So I ran faster

but it caught me here

yes my loyalties turned

like my ankle

in the seventh grade

running after BILLY

Running after the rain

-Tori Amos

Hitomi wanted to die. She shut her eyes tightly and prayed that she would. She couldn't believe that this was happening to her. Why?! What had she ever done wrong, huh? //Absolutely nothing, that's what!// she thought. She was lying, strapped to a metal emergency cot, her arms and legs strapped down tightly. The paramedic sitting close to her was filling out some kind of a form. He kept asking her all these stupid, unrelated questions like how old she was, how much she weighed, is her period regular? //For fuck sake, he's taking me to the Looney bin and he's asking me if my period is regular?! What does he think this is, PMS?!?!// she thought bitterly.

The paramedic turned his back to put away the piles of papers that he had been writing on. In that short time, Hitomi flung herself against the bonds that held her firmly to the bed. Nothing happened, except for that she hurt her wrists.

Hitomi slumped, exhausted. There was no point in trying to get away anymore. She had been straining against these straps for the past fifteen minutes, and to no avail. She blinked, trying to get rid of the tears that were threatening to overcome her. //This isn't right! I am sixteen years old, the star of the track team, a grade A student, have an amazing boyfriend, and I am going to the Betty! It isn't FAIR!!// Hitomi gave up trying to suppress her tears. She sobbed. All she wanted to do was to go home and sleep for a few dozen years. She wished with all of her might that she hadn't gone back inside that school to get her things. If she had known that they would chase her. And those little sluts! Those betraying bitches that she had called friends ruined her life! Her hands twitched, the itch to slap their fake horrified looks off of their insincere faces was overwhelming. Her fingers scratched at the cot, ready to stab their eyes out.

//Oh God, I AM crazy!// she thought, ashamed of how much she wanted to realize that daydream. Hitomi was so upset with herself that she didn't even realize that the ambulance had come to a stop. The paramedic who had been driving came around and opened up the back of the ambulance and together the two lifted the stretcher out and into the daylight. She squinted, her eyes slowly adjusting to the light, while the paramedic explained that he couldn't take the straps off of her until they were inside the building. Procedure, he said it was.

Hitomi looked in amazement at her surroundings. It was nothing like what she had expected. In movies and stuff, asylums were made out to be made of cement and steel. This was a large grey building made out of old fashioned looking stones, and there were little statues around the outside. Then there were gardens full of gorgeous flowers and huge oak and maple trees. The only thing that ruined the pretty and extremely welcome sight was the fence, which was twenty feet tall and topped with barbed wire. The paramedic saw Hitomi looking up at it as they passed through the gate and said in a friendly voice, "No matter how pretty it is, they mean business. Keep your wits about you girl."

As Hitomi reached the doors of the building, he saw that they were covered with intricate carvings. She examined the windows just before she was pushed inside. Barred, just as she had suspected. Suddenly Hitomi was terrified.

The light was blinding. Everything was white. EVERYTHING! It hurt her eyes to look at. She forced herself to see, as if looking at the place would make it cough up its secrets. //It just looks like a normal hospital. Not like that's a good thing though. I fuckin' HATE hospitals. And now I am supposed to be livin' in one?!//

Two nurses approached and help the paramedics unfasten her restraints. The paramedics left, the nice one winking at her before she left. The nurses, both fairly normal in appearance, were wearing white overcoats over regular jeans and slacks. They smiled warmly.

"Welcome to the Albrecht Durer Asylum!" said the younger one energetically.

The older, wiser looking one said, "Hitomi, I must ask you a favour. I need you to take some sedatives." Hitomi's eyes widened. She shook her head violently. The nurse looked at her with sympathetic eyes. "Please, Miss. The doctors will be easier going in their assessment of you if you do! It will relax you as well. You look so tense!" She continued on like this for some minutes, but even before she was done Hitomi knew that she would accept the drugs.

The woman handed her a mysterious pill and a little glass of water. Hitomi put the pill on her tongue and shut her eyes tight as she swallowed. The nurse took the glass away from her. She set it down, and they gently took her, on either side, by the arm and led her down a hall towards a big black door. Hitomi's legs felt weak, and she walked with difficulty. There was something wrong here, very wrong! It felt like this was the most dangerous place that she could be, and it felt so right at the same time. Her stomach was jumping around inside of her when they opened the big black door. Hitomi blinked, trying to clear her fuzzy thoughts. She looked inside the door and saw a small, neatly organized office.

The paperwork was a blur, and a boring blur at that. Hitomi's vision was quit fuzzy, and to see anything clearly, she had to concentrate REALLY hard. Finally Hitomi gave up trying to read what they were writing about her. Instead she just let her gaze wander to the pictures on the walls, at the various notes and drawings on the door. Suddenly Hitomi realized that someone was watching her. It was a girl. She stood, just outside, peering in through the window in the door. She was staring at Hitomi. Hitomi was so drugged that she didn't really care that this girl sent chills down her spine. She was the same age as Hitomi, by the looks of it, and her hair was cropped short. //It's almost hard to tell that she's a girl!// Hitomi thought.

The nurse working on the paperwork looked up and saw the girl. She glared at the girl sternly in a look that plainly said, "You are out of place and you know it!". The girl took the hint and disappeared from the window.

Hot and cold flashes came in waves for Hitomi, and it seemed like the air was solid. The walls wavered and began to close in on her. She tried to breath in to calm herself, a and found that she couldn't! Hitomi started to panic. She tried again with the same result. She clawed at her throat and gasped, trying desperately to get oxygen into her burning lungs. The nurse started up, just in time to catch Hitomi as she pitched foreword off of the chair. Then, it was blackness for Hitomi.

The head nurse looked at the girl in her arms and said, "Get Dune and tell him to hurry!" With that, the assistant ran off and left the other alone, trying to revive the limp body of Hitomi.


Ð Ð Ð

Moon hangs around

A blade over my head

Reminds me what to do before I'm dead

Night consumes light

And all I dread

Reminds me what to do before I'm dead

-Kidney Thieves

The black wasn't just nothing...it was *something*. It was like a place, where it was night and there were no stars in the sky. Hitomi knew this, because she was standing, and to stand, there had to be something to stand on. Her feet on firm ground were a relieving feeling. It was comforting. As Hitomi relaxed, she could hear her deep and steady breathing echoing out into the dark. All of the tension was releasing its firm grasp on her body when out of nowhere, something happened that made Hitomi scream in terror.

All around her was a deafening thunder, and the ground shook. At the same time, there appeared one of the most terrible and heart wrenching scenes Hitomi had ever seen. She was standing in a battle field. All signs of life were gone from the prostate bodies everywhere. Blood covered their armour and fire lapped at their bodies. What had been contentment had changed suddenly to grief. She screamed again as she looked down at her feet; there was a boy, about sixteen years old, lying dead, and his eyes and been ripped out of their sockets. Hitomi fell to her knees and was violently sick.

When she thought she had finished, she moved to wipe her mouth. She was startled to see a hand wipe her mouth for her with a strip of red fabric. She looked up at the hand that was offered to her. There stood a boy, younger than herself, reaching out to help her up. She couldn't see the details of him, for the light of the fires cast a shadow over his face. He was skinny and wore beige pants and a red shirt. All around him were beautiful white feathers falling softly to the ground. She moved to accept his hand, when she recoiled at the figure behind him. There was another boy, his chest heaving, and sweat covering his brow. His face was one of hatred and bloodlust. He lifted his sword, and said, "NOW YOU DIE!!!!!" The boy turned, only to be cut down. She screamed and screamed and screamed until it went away.

Something had changed when she opened her eyes again. Instead of a battle field, it was just plain red everywhere. It was thick, like tomato soup, and just as hard to breathe in. She felt sweaty sheets around her body, and a soft mattress beneath her, but she could see neither. She felt trapped, and even worse, she felt like she was being watched. //What is *wrong* with me?!// thought Hitomi desperately. Panic rose inside of her. She tried to move, and fell with a thud to a hard surface, and then scrambled, trying with all of her might to untangle herself and get out of this red hell. Finally she screamed as the rage and desperation and fear rose so much inside her that it was unbearable. Then, there was a voice, a masculine, haughty voice that interrupted both the red that surrounded her and her scream.

"Just what are you doing, you stupid girl?!" asked the voice. At the knowledge that she was not alone here in the red place, the panic ebbed a little and was replaced by curiosity. Finally she asked, "Who *are* you?"

"You can call me Scratch," said the voice, as if it was doing her some great favour. "But who are *you*? And *what* are you doing in Lena's room?" he asked accusingly.

Confusion tore at Hitomi. "What room? Lena who? Is 'Lena' another voice?" excitement had creeped into her voice. She didn't want to be alone in this place with this voice. It was a mean voice.

"You really are psycho aren't you?" it said with an odd tome in the voice. Then the voice, the red and the ground beneath her slipped away into a cold, dreamless black sleep.


Ð Ð Ð

No one can blame you

For walking away

With too much protection

Role of rejection

Life can be easy

But it's not always swell

Don't tell me truth hurts little girl

Cuz it hurts like hell

-David Bowie

When Hitomi awoke, the first thing that she was a pair of vibrant blue orbs looking right back at her. Hitomi started, surprised. Her body was tense, ready for fight or flight. She looked again as the owner of the eyes backed away. Hitomi felt her body relax as the potential threat moved away. She breathed an involuntary sigh of relief.

The girl was now sitting cross legged on the bed opposite Hitomi's. It was the same girl that had been watching her in the office. She was incredibly thin, and her fingers and face were bony. Her wavy blond hair was cropped short. Her skin was pale and creamy looking. She was made even paler looking by all of the black that she was wearing. Black surrounded her eyes and covered her lips. Around her neck she wore a collar that had the word "DEATH" on it in little metal studs. All in all she was more than a little intimidating to a girl who had been in a sheltered private school for the past three years.

Hitomi stopped thinking about the girl sitting looking at her, and turned her thoughts to her whereabouts. She looked around the room. It was normal, if a little plain on one side. The other side, which obviously belonged to the girl, was covered with posters and art. The rest of the room though, was a sickeningly normal light blue. There was a bed side table beside her and a little white lamp. There was a window on the blue side, and on it were thin metal bars. That snapped her memory into place. She was in an asylum!

The recent events flooded Hitomi's memory. Anger and frustration swelled in her. She groaned, and then screamed. //It's not *fair*! // she thought. The other girl blinked and then laughed. Then she rolled her eyes at Hitomi.

"What?! What are you laughing at?" Hitomi asked indignantly. "Do you have a *problem*?" The girl merely shook her head and smiled, obviously amused. Hitomi flung the covers off of her, annoyed, and then stood up. She grimaced as she caught sight of herself in the mirror, and felt like she would die. It was so typical of her luck.

"Oh shit mother fucking son of a ping pong pussy cunt scab fuck sit HELL!!" Hitomi fumed. The other girl looked at her and raised her eyebrows. "Why in hell do I always end up in the stupid uniform?! They've gotten me, even in here!" Hitomi stopped ranting, and made herself count to ten. Before she was on seven, the girl spoke for the first time since Hitomi had seen her.

"That *is* an ugly uniform. Honestly, who mixes deep red and bright green in a kilt? Do you want to borrow some clothes?" asked Lena.

Hitomi looked at her dubiously. "You are a stick! I wouldn't be able to fit in anything of yours." She said flatly.

The girl moved over to the closet and began to root around, until she seemed to find what she wanted. Triumphantly, she pulled out a pair of stretchy black tights, and a large black sweatshirt. She tossed them to Hitomi. "Here. This will fit, no matter how big you are. But you're gonna look more than a little eighties." Hitomi took them gratefully.

While Hitomi changed into these new clothes, she thought about the girl. She didn't *seem* to be crazy. Their first conversation was so normal it was almost eerie. Her thoughts were interrupted by the girl.

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Hitomi Kanzaki. You?"

"People call me Lena. I assume that you're my new roomie. I wanna get a few things straight, okay? First of all, absolutely NO underwear on the floor, got it? You would not believe some of my previous roommates that I've had. They were such slobs! And another thing...no frilly shit will ever make its way over to my side of the room. Ever." Lena kept up this tirade for several minutes, until she was interrupted by a knock at the door.

"Pass word?" she called out, her voice portraying her anger at being interrupted.

Then a *very* familiar voice called back, "Cut out the bullshit Lena!" She smiled widely and moved over to the door and began to unlock it. Hitomi felt dazed. It had been the voice, the one from the red hell. How did Lena hear it? She watched with anticipation as a regular human boy stepped through the door. Well, not exactly regular.

He was one of the strangest looking guys she had ever seen. His skin was white, and his hair was silver. He had large, glittering red eyes as well. //Isn't there a name for this...that's right! He's an albino.// He looked about nineteen, and was probably six foot something. His hair was the same length as Lena's and he wore all black. The only thing different in their appearance was the fact that he didn't wear black lipstick. He scared her more than Lena did. Around his wrists and neck he wore leather collars with large metal spikes. Underneath his lip was a black metal spike. He practically oozed anger. All in all he was gorgeous.

He smirked at Hitomi. "Cat gotcha tongue?" he asked, teasing her.

She looked down, her cheeks burning.

He turned to Lena. "So this is the Newbie Psycho huh? Do you have a name?"

Hitomi nodded, but she couldn't make her mouth work.

"Lena, does it talk?" he asked.

Anger made Hitomi recover her tongue. "Yes I do. My name is Hitomi Kanzaki." She said annoyed.

He smiled. "I'm Scratch. But we already met, didn't we?" his voice was both cutting and amused. Hitomi blushed even more, and tried to stare him down. After a second or two, she gave up and stared down again. He saw this and chuckled. "Don't worry, I don't bite. Well, not usually. Besides, If Lena hasn't killed you yet, you *may* turn out to be worthy of hanging out with me. So unless you always find linoleum this fascinating, stop looking at it."

Lena punched him in the arm. "Scratch, you are *so* arrogant!"

"And your point is?"

"That *is* my point!" Lena shrieked, annoyed.

"Oh, go take a Valium."


Ð Ð Ð

Finally recover and the mood is right

looking up into a neon sky

child in me takes over, guess it's been too long

since the last time that i tried to fly

-Dry Cell

The dinner bell had interrupted Lena and Scratch's "little" argument. They led Hitomi down the hall to the elevators. Once inside, they pressed the button for the ground floor. They went into the cafeteria, and found the table where Scratch and Lena usually sat. They sat Hitomi down on the bench. "Watch our seats, okay? We're gonna go root through the shit that they call food. There might actually be something decent there. Do you want us to pick you up anything?"

Hitomi nodded. "Anything." She said genially.

She smiled as she watched them walk away. It felt like she had made friends out of them. It was a relief to not feel like she was alone in this. After reflecting on this for a while, she turned her attention to the cafeteria. It was a large room, with about twenty black tables that could seat about twelve people each. The cafeteria was pretty, if you were color blind. Lights and fans dangled form the ceiling, and the walls were covered in light pink and yellow paint. Maybe they used those colors to try and cheer people up. It was crowded full of people, mostly between the preteen and late teen years. Hitomi searched every face for a sign of some sort, some clue that might tell her why they were here.

A girl who was standing by the door waved in Hitomi's general direction. Hitomi thought that she must be waving at someone else, until the girl caught her eye and smiled. Then the girl began to walk across the cafeteria towards her. The girl was tall and she looked like she was strong, and had long light brown hair that was swept back in a ponytail. She wore comfortable, soft looking clothes, and a pair of doc martens. Her face was kind, and soft. She stood in front of Hitomi for a second, smiling at her, and then sat down beside her. When she spoke, her voice was full of offers of warmth and companionship.

"Hi! You're new here, so I just wanted to come over and say hi and introduce myself. My name is Tamara. You are?" she asked, her voice coaxing.

"Hitomi Kanzaki." She smiled.

"Cool! So Hitomi, what types of stuff are you into? Like, what types of music and TV shows?" she asked. She actually looked interested too.

"Well, I like heavy metal and rock, but most of all, I really like anime soundtracks. I *love* anime." Hitomi was cut off by Tamara.

"Oh my God! Me too! I am a total anime freak. This is so cool! What is your favourite series?" she asked. Her face became animated and she grinned from ear to ear.

"Um, well, I really like Kenshin, Gundam Wing, and Ranma ½. What about you?" Hitomi was getting into the conversation.

"Kenshin all the way! I've never seen Gundam Wing, but I *love* Ranma ½. But I'd have to say that my favourite series would be FY."

"FY?"

"Fushigi Yuugi, and I take that you've never seen it." Hitomi shook her head. Tamara commenced in enlightening her in the ways of the world of Fushigi Yuugi.


Ð Ð Ð


Meanwhile, Scratch and Lena were waiting in line for the poison of the day. Lena turned to him. "Well? What do you think of her?" she asked.

Scratch shrugged. "She...Oh, I don't know. I haven't seen enough of her yet. She seems like a bit of a goody goody. But despite her being a complete prep, there is something about her." He looked across the room to where Hitomi was sitting. "What do *you* think of her?" he asked.

"She's got potential. And she isn't really a goody two shoes. You should have heard her earlier! She's got a dirtier mouth that you!"

Scratch feigned anger and hurt. "Impossible! No one can beat me! You have insulted me for the last time, slut! I demand satisfaction in the form of duel!" he exclaimed.

Lena grinned. "Tomorrow at morning spare. Chose your weapon."

"The usual; shaving cream at five paces." They laughed. They moved up and got their trays. Lena stood to the side as Scratch piled up their trays. She grimaced at the smell of the food.

She watched as Tamara made a beeline towards Hitomi. "Shit. It's Genki-Girl moving in for a kill." Scratch turned and looked in the same direction. He scowled. Just bloody perfect.

Ð Ð Ð

My scream got lost in a paper cup

You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone

I got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it's enough

To get us there

-Tori Amos

Tamara saw the Twins from Hell glaring at her from across the room. They started to walk towards the table. She hastened to bring the conversation to a halt. "Anyways, I just wanted to say that if you need a friend, I will be arou-" She was cut off by Scratch, who was looking none too pleased.

"Scram brat!" he said.

Tamara glared at him and muttered under her breath. She moved away quickly before Scratch could backhand her.

"Bye!" Hitomi called after her. Then she turned back to Scratch and Lena.

"I am starved!" she exclaimed as she saw the three trays piled up with food.

Scratch smiled approvingly. "Well, this isn't exactly food, but it will have to do." He handed her a tray. They were silent as Hitomi and Scratch gobbled down their salad and tortier. Then conversation started up as they slowed their pace to work on the cheesecake.

Hitomi, feeling bolder than before, decided to take a gamble and said, "Look, I know that this is a really nosy question and it's none of my business. It's just that you guys seem to be so normal. That is, aside from your clothes and attitudes and stuff. So why-"

"Why are we here?" Scratch finished for her. She nodded. Lena looked at their plates; both Hitomi's and Scratch's were empty, and Lena's barely touched.

"Are you done?" Lena asked Hitomi. She nodded again.

"Then let's go back to Lena's room." said Scratch. So they left their trays on the table and left the cafeteria. The halls were dark and cool at night. Their footsteps echoed around them. When they got to the room, they opened the door quietly and went in, locking it behind them. Lena bypassed the bright overhead lamp and turned on her red lava lamp instead. It cast an eerie red glow over the room. Scratch stretched out on the floor and Lena and Hitomi sat cross-legged on either side of him. Scratch looked from Hitomi to Lena.

"Lena, do you wanna go first?" Scratch asked, his voice hopeful.

Lena snorted. "Absolutely not!" she muttered. Scratch grimaced, disappointed. He would have liked to just drop the whole subject; he didn't like talking about this aspect of his life. Unfortunately, in an asylum, you were bound to find out anyways and better from him than from other people who would twist it around.

"You sure?" he asked Lena, though he already knew the answer. Lena raised an eyebrow at him in confirmation. Scratch paused and licked his lips before beginning. "Hitomi?" he said, and she looked down at him. "Do you know what the medical terms are for mental illnesses? It will be easier to explain it to you if you do." He said. Hitomi shook her head before speaking. "I know, like, one. Schizophrenia is when you have multiple personalities." Scratch waved his hand as if to dismiss that thought. "That's not right. Everybody always thinks that! But that's beside the point. My diagnonsense is called Sociopathology. I am a sociopath." He paused, taking a deep breath. "That means that I know how society works and its rules, but I don't understand how people themselves work. I don't have the basic knowledge to get along with people and I don't give a shit. 'Nor do we feel emotions like love, hate, remorse or sadness.'" He scowled at this. "That's what the books say anyways. Basically, I am a freak that doesn't feel." He said bitterly. It was silent in the room for several moments. Scratch had obviously forgotten that they were there.

Lena nudged him. He looked up at her startled. "You done?" asked Lena. Scratch nodded. Hitomi turned to Lena next and said, "What about you?" She wasn't sure that she wanted to know anymore, though. Lena shut her eyes tightly and said, "I...I am what Scratch like to affectionately call a 'Low Level Crier, Ambitious Type A Anorexic'. I don't like that though. It means that I am mildly depressed, and that I am very anorexic. In fact, there was a point in my life that they doubted I could pull through. But I hate thinking about it. I am just me, okay?" her voice was angry.

//This would explain why she is *so* skinny.// thought Hitomi. Hitomi could sympathize. She had had problems with anorexia just that year. She could also sympathize with the anger that accompanied it. Several sets of footsteps were heard coming down the hall.

Scratch got up. "Guess dinner is over." He said. "I better go or else they'll end up having kittens or cows...or maybe both." He smiled at them. Lena smiled back. "Now wouldn't we all love to see that." She said sarcastically. With that, he left, shutting the door softly behind him. Lena looked at Hitomi for moment, and then turned out the Lava lamp. "You can sleep in those." She said, referring to the clothes that she had lent Hitomi earlier. "You'll be getting your own clothes soon and then these can be washed." Her voice seemed louder in the dark room. Hitomi crawled up onto the bed and then under the sheets. "Thank you," Hitomi said softly. There was no reply. Hitomi smiled and closed her eyes. Within minutes, the darkness of the night had taken her to her safe, emotionless, dreamless place.

Ð Ð Ð

You fell away, what more can I say?

The feelings evolved, I won't let it out

I can't replace your screaming face

Feeling the sickness inside

-Chester Bennington

"So Lily will bring your belongings here in a few hours. Sometime in the mid-morning." said Lena, who was hurriedly getting ready for her classes. Hitomi sat on the bed watching her rush around the room in frenzy. Lena stepped into the washroom for a second, leaving the door opened. There was a bunch of noise, kind of like the rustling of clothes.

A strange thought popped into Hitomi's mind. //I *hope* she doesn't go to the washroom with the door open!//. Suddenly, gripped by this notion, Hitomi got up and crept along the wall towards the bathroom door. She sighed in relief as she peeked in. Lena was merely putting on her deodorant and brushing her teeth. Lena spat in the sink and then rinsed out her mouth.

"I have to go to French class." Lena said, with a tone of an older, smarter sister. Hitomi merely nodded. "Just...just sit tight, and *don't* leave this room, unless one of the nurses or doctors asks you to. That way you won't get into trouble or do something stupid." Lena stopped talking long enough to take one bite out of the bagel Scratch had made her take from the cafeteria. Chewing and swallowing rapidly, she tossed the rest of the uneaten bagel on the bed where Hitomi sat and left, slamming the door behind her.

Hitomi looked at the bagel and picked up off the bed. She had absolutely nothing to do for the next few hours until her stuff arrived. Then she would unpack. Hitomi wondered how long she would need her things for. //Will I need to get more? Will I be staying here that long?// Hitomi curled up in a ball on the floor, and began to nibble at the bagel. It was still a little warm, and it had a thin layer of butter on it. She nibbled at it enough to have accumulated a mouthful, and then she swallowed. Then she put the rest of the bagel down on the floor in front of her.

Hitomi felt so uncertain. She didn't know what was going o happen to her. Was she only going to be in here for a few weeks, months, or was she crazy enough to stay here for years. If so, then the schooling provided wouldn't be enough to prepare her for a career. Would she be able to go back to her life after this? Could she go anywhere? Were all of her dreams of being an actress worthless now? She curled up tighter.

All she really wanted right now was to go home as if nothing had happened. She wished that she could just go back to the way it was before. At the same time, she knew that it could never be like that at home. That's why, in a way she feared going home at the same time. Her mother would sob and blubber endlessly, and make Hitomi feel guilty for what she couldn't control. Her dad would just sigh in this heavy way that told her she was a disappointment to them. Sometimes Hitomi wondered if her dad might up and kick the bucket one of these days. He always looked so tired of living. She couldn't stand that. No. Home was definitely not where she should be right now. It would be too painful for all of them. Hitomi squeezed her eyes shut. She didn't want to be here either. She wished fervently that she were an eagle, flying high above the world, unseen, unheard, and untouchable. She could just let it all slip away. All of the pain, the fighting, loneliness, dieting, and the hating. She couldn't stand the hating. It would all just slip away as she left the earth below her, going higher and higher until-

"Wake up Honey Child." A thick sweet southern accent brought Hitomi crashing back to earth. Hitomi sat up and looked around bleary eyed and groggy.

//I must have fallen asleep.// she thought. She looked up at the woman standing above her. She was probably in her early thirties, and had beautifully tanned skin. Her voluptuous body was covered by a white dress and a coat. To top it off, she had honey colored hair, and deep brown eyes.

"I am Lily. I take it that you are Hee-toe-mee Kan-zaa-kee, eh?" Hitomi like the way this woman, Lily, drew out her name and pronounced each of the syllables separately.

Hitomi scrambled up. "Y-y-yes," was all that Hitomi could stutter in reply.

"Good. I have a special delivery for you." She opened the door and revealed two large suitcases full to the brim, and a beautiful basket filled with all of Hitomi's favorite delights. There were bath salts, home made chocolate chip cookies, nail polish, some new fantasy books she had been wanting and a card addressed to her. Her heart beat fast just looking at the card. She tore her gaze away from it and back to the nurse standing in the doorway.

"Umm, what else-" she was shushed by Lily.

"You, Dahlin, can just sit back and relax. That is until three in the afternoon. At that point Dr. Heney wants to see you in her office. It is only just down the hall, and her name is on it. You can find it. She only wants to get to know you in this session. It won't be long. Then you are free to do as you please. You will get your schedule on Sunday. It will tell you when your classes and therapy sessions and meals are. Hell, it'll tell you when to pee and when to fart. That's the way it is here." Hitomi grinned at this.

"Well, I've got be off. I'm doing checks around here today. You should get unpacking. It'll pass the time."

Just before Lily was about to leave, Hitomi said softly, "Checks? What are Checks?"

Lily smiled at her. "Checks are what we call looking in on certain patients every fifteen minutes. Don't worry. You aren't on that list." With that, Lily was gone.

Hitomi picked up the envelope. It was blue, and it had the scent of her mother's favorite perfume on it. Anais Anais had always been Hitomi's favorite perfume too. She set this softly on the head of her bed, and put her pillow overtop. Then she went to one of the suitcases.

This suitcase was brimming with underwear, socks, pajamas and clothes of all descriptions. Hitomi moved over to her dresser and pulled out all of the drawers. She sorted the clothes into different drawers in this fashion: underwear and socks were on the bottom, pajamas were after that, in the middle were her tops, and on the second last drawer she put her pants. She left the top drawer empty. She wasn't sure why, though. When she was satisfied that there was nothing left to put away from that suitcase, she opened up the other one.

The inside of it was a jumble. There were items off all types inside. This one would take longer to unpack. The first thing that she saw was a little metal cash box with a combination lock on it. Hitomi lifted this delicately, as if it were made of porcelain. //Bless those darlings who are my parents!// she thought happily. She was please that they had sent this to her. This was were she kept all of her most private poetry and writing. She pushed this underneath the bed, as far into the corner as she could manage and then sat down in front of the open suitcase again. Her CD player was also there, along with all of her favorite CD's. Hitomi selected one of her favorites; 1000 Oceans by Tori Amos. She put the CD in and got ready for some major organization. Then she plunged right into the heart of the chaos, all the while tapping her feet to the tune.

These tears I've cried

I've cried 1000 oceans

And if it seems

I'm floating in the darkness

Well, I can't believe that I would keep

Keep you from flying

And I would cry 1000 more

If that's what it takes

To sail you home

Sail you home

Sail you home

I'm aware what the rules are

But you know that I will run

You know that I will follow you

Over silbury hill

Through the solar field

You know that I will follow you

And if I find you

Will you still remember

Playing at trains

Or does this little blue ball

Just fade away

Over silbury hill

Through the solar field

You know that I will follow you

I'm aware what the rules are

But you know that I will run

You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried

I've cried 1000 oceans

And if it seems

I'm floating in the darkness

Well I can't believe that I would keep

Keep you from flying

So I will cry 1000 more

If that's what it takes

To sail you home

Sail you home

Sail you home

Sail

Sail you home .

Ð Ð Ð

Just as Hitomi was putting her last items, her toiletries, in place, she heard a bell ring, signaling the end of class. It also signaled the beginning of lunch for which her stomach was grateful. //Perfect timing,// she thought. She quickly went over to the closet and grabbed Lena's clothes that she had borrowed. She folded them up in a little pile and was just putting them on the bed as Lena stepped into the room.

"Oh.Thanks," she said, noticing Hitomi's activity. "Are you coming down to the cafeteria? Me and Scratch are gonna go grab some food and chill for a bit, maybe go to the commons room."

Hitomi pulled out a pair of comfy fleece pants and a black turtleneck. She quickly changed into these while Lena put away her books."Yes please. I would like to come." said Hitomi, trying to be polite. She never knew how to act.

Lena made a face and groaned. "Cut out the Miss Manners shit with me okay? It's not necessary in here. In fact, its not even *allowed*!" said Lena, her voice annoyed, but her face betraying her amusement. "We're gonna go meet him and the others there. C'mon." Lena said, and stood waiting at the door.

Out in the hall Hitomi asked, "What others?"

Lena laughed. "You are so *naïve*! Did you really think that me and Scratch only had each other as friends?" Lena's voice was incredulous. Hitomi decided it would be best to keep silent for now.

The cafeteria was lit up with yellow sunlight. Lena and Hitomi scanned the crowd for Scratch. He was nowhere in sight. Lena sighed. "Probably off smoking!" she muttered darkly. They turned towards the table they had sat at the night before, but there were other people there now. And there were only two seats left. Lena noticed this at the same time as Hitomi did and she stomped over to the table. She was glaring at a girl's back. She roughly grabbed the girl's shoulders and pushed lightly. The girl's face slid forward into her food. She sat up, and began to whip the potato salad off of her face. She looked hurt and confused.

Lena ignored this as she said, "Marly, you are sitting in my friend's seat." She said it sweetly, but everyone there could sense a threat underneath the honey. The rest of the people laughed.

"I-I. There was no one here." She stammered. "Well, we're here now. And who ever said you could sit here in the first place? Move." On the last word, Lena's voice became cold and hard.

The girl, Marly, pursed her lips and shook her head defiantly. Lena's eyes glistened dangerously but before she had a chance to react, someone else stepped in. A pale hand started to bring a fork down in a quick movement. Luckily Marly saw this and moved her hands away from the table, but had she been any slower, she would have been skewered. Everybody looked up into Scratch's grinning face. The girl began to shake.

"Move Marly." He said with authority. Marly got up this time, taking her tray and began to walk away. Only Hitomi saw her look back at the table, her eyes glistening with tears.

Scratch sat down where Marly had sat, completely relaxed as if nothing had happened. Lena sat as well, and motioned for Hitomi to sit beside her. The people sitting at the table laughed as Scratch pulled his fork out of the table and began to dig in.

The girl beside him said, "Thanks man. She's such a pain. We couldn't get rid of her."

He replied to the girl, but looked right across at Hitomi. "That, my dear Bella, is because I have the magic touch." He winked at Hitomi. The rest of the table laughed.

Hitomi spoke up finally. "Who was that girl?" she asked. The blond boy beside her turned to her and said, "That was Marly Hamilton. She's the worst pain in this entire ward. She's such a baby. Normally, I am against being mean to anybody, but she is the limit."

"Yes, well, we all know that you are the Prince of Peace here Chester." said Lena affectionately.

"She is a serious crier, professional slut and a grade A bitch," announced Scratch. "Serious criers are always annoying because they are so clingy."

Lena took over at this point. "Hey guys," she said, raising her voice," this is my new room mate, Hitomi Kanzaki. I want you all to treat her *nicely* because she's still a little deranged-" she was cut of by a brown haired boy sitting on the other side of Scratch.

"So you aren't still deranged, huh Lena?" he asked.

"Shut up fag-face!" she snapped. "Anyway, treat her better than you do me or Scratch okay? This is just her first full day here without thinking that Scratch is a door."

Hitomi let herself laugh with the rest of them. It felt good to laugh. The blond boy beside her introduced himself first. "I am Chester. This is my boyfriend Michael." He motioned to the brunette across from him. "And this is Bella, our Anarchist Supreme." He pointed to the girl beside Scratch. She had dark Spanish skin and her long black hair was in dreads. She sported dark eye make up and a system of a down T- shirt. She glared at Hitomi through the mess of tangled hair. Hitomi smiled at her tentatively.

"So kiddo!" said Scratch, addressing her. "Still hallucinating or what?"

Hitomi paused before answering. "Don't think so."

Scratch nodded in approval. "Good." He said. " It was probably the dope. So when is the Old Kahoot seeing you?"

"This afternoon." Interjected Lena.

"See here kid," Scratch said, "you aren't very talkative. Talking is important. If you don't talk, you don't get out. It's as simple as that. Get it?" Hitomi just stared out the window, nodding absently. "Yo! Kid!" he exclaimed. "ET can't go home right now! I said 'Get it?'! WAKE UP!" he snapped, annoyed. Hitomi snapped out of her daydream and looked at him.

"Sorry," she said, "Gotta go." She stood up and walked away without touching any of her food. The whole group watched her leave. Scratch shook his head. "Nutty. Absolutely nutty."

Ð Ð Ð


Should'a been born on the milky way

Can't believe what I heard today

Oh life's a bitch and then you die

"Come in Miss Kanzaki, please, come in." Dr. Heney ushered her into the spacious office. The room was filled with sunlight. One of the walls was made entirely out of glass, and the sunlight reflected off the beige walls in a way that made the room cozy and warm. Hitomi looked around her. There were some beautiful watercolour paintings too. Dr. Heney sat down in a large reclining chair and motioned for Hitomi to sit on the big white couch in front of her.

Hitomi sat, and felt herself sink into the huge soft cushions. "May I call you Hitomi?" asked Dr. Heney. Hitomi nodded. She wanted to cooperate with almost anything that this doctor asked of her. She didn't want them to think that she belonged here.

"Good. I want you to call me Jan. This session is just for you to get to know me and me to get to know you." Jan shifted in her chair. "First off I would like to talk about your behaviour so far." Hitomi's throat constricted and she felt like her stomach had jumped into her head. What had she done wrong? Had she been a bad girl? Why? "I want to apologize for the unfortunate events upon your arrival here." Jan continued." You do not remember what happened I am assuming, and I always believe in admitting mistakes. When you arrived here, the nurse gave you a standard sedative that we give to all patients. People have a tendency to panic when they get here. Unfortunately, you had an allergic reaction to the drugs. Very suddenly you stopped breathing. Even worse, I wasn't here at that point, and there was only my assistant and a few nurses. Luckily they revived you, and drained most of the drug out of your body, but you may have been feeling really sluggish or confused the past few days. This is normal. It should be wearing off soon." Hitomi felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off of her. She had been good. She hadn't been a bad girl! She sighed in relief.

Jan continued talking, but Hitomi's mind kept wandering, and she couldn't make herself focus on the words. Jan was probably in her mid-forties. She had chin length red hair that was made to look blonder by the patches of grey here and there. Her face was round, and she had a double chin that wobbled as she talked. The woman was huge; she overflowed her chair. Instead of wearing a suit or a white coat like the nurses, she wore a pair of black stretch pants and a sweatshirt. In her chubby hands was a can of diet caffeine free Coke.

Hitomi stared at these hands intently. She examined all of the lines and grooves, the freckles and bumps. Small blond hairs were sprinkled over them, and they reflected the sunlight.

"Well, Hitomi. We're done here today. Do you have any questions for me?"

Hitomi's voice dried up in her throat. Her heart beat fast and she started to bite her lip. She couldn't think. She needed a question. Her hands started to sweat, and she wiped them on her pants. Question, question, she just needed one lousy question. "Are you gay?" //Oh shit!// she thought. It had just flowed out of her, she hadn't wanted to say it. It had leapt out before she knew what she was saying. Hitomi hung her head in shame and opened her mouth to apologize.

She looked up, and saw that Jan was smiling at her, one of those huge ear to ear grins. "You are more than just a smart kid, do you know that?" she said. "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am a lesbian. My partner and I have been living together for six years. I can see something inside you Hitomi. I see something that no one else here has. Intuition is what you've got girl, and don't you dare forget it."


? ? ?


Tamara watched in disgust as Marly was pushed into her food, and then nearly stabbed with a fork. She couldn't believe this! She flushed with anger and looked around to see who was on duty. //Dammit!// she swore to herself and the room in general. It was just two orderlies who were too busy to notice what was going on. Even if they had noticed, they wouldn't care. Everyone but Jan, Dune and Lily turned a blind eye to those Junior League murderers-in-the-making. It was always someone like Marly who got picked on when they were let loose.

Marly stood in from of Tamara, and she could see that Marly's eyes were full of tears. To preserve Marly's dignity, she made her sit with her back to Scratch. If she was going to cry, Tamara wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing it.

The second Marly sat down, she began to sob uncontrollably. Tamara just sat there patting her back. This was becoming routine for both of them. She sat there and tried to soothe and console Marly. Eventually the sobs gave way to miserable hiccups. Tamara sat up. The flood was over...for now.

"I don't want to make you feel worse, but I told you so." Part of Tamara felt guilty for saying it, and another part of gloated that she had seen from the start that Scratch was nothing but bad news.

"I know. I just need-" Marly was cut off by Tamara's annoyed voice.

"You don't need anything to do whit those scum bags!" exclaimed Tamara. "They're shit and they treat people like pawns in their twisted little game. Honestly, I don't understand how you could be so infatuated with Scratch after all the shit that he's put you through. In fact, I don't understand why you liked him in the first place! He may be good looking, but underneath that he is a monster through and through."

"But I know that I can change him!" exclaimed Marly stubbornly. Just then, Scratch's voice came over the din announcing, "She is a serious crier, professional slut and a grade A bitch!"

Tamara looked at Marly, her eyebrow raised. "And then what?" demanded Tamara tartly. "You will ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after? Sorry Honey, but life isn't no fairy tale. The prince is long gone and maybe sleeping beauty's dead. Who cares?! The *only* thing that Hitler-in-the-making cares about is his partner in sadism. Lena always was and always will be his only priority. Don't you see that?" Tamara stopped ranting. She got control of her anger and subdued it. Then she looked at Marly's crushed face, and wished that she could take it all back.

"I understand." Said Marly sadly.


? ? ?


When I white lipped

Yellow bellied

Green eyed blue devil

Caught red handed

In a pink ghetto netherworld

A light that will always find its way through the rain

With the confidence of all great beauties

They're adding to the rainbow

-Gwen Swick



Hitomi grinned as she walked down the hall towards Tamara's room. Despite Lena's constant attempts to drive Hitomi away from Tamara, she was finding herself becoming friends with the overly cheerful girl. Hitomi never quite understood Scratch and Lena, but she loved floating in their orbit. Their cool callous ways and their fierce loyalty to each other intrigued her. And they were also the cool kids of the Betty. But none of that made her hesitate to hang out with Tamara. Tamara made her laugh, you see. In a way that no one else could. Her spacey, random ways made Hitomi laugh until she cried, clutching her aching stomach. It felt so good. There were no bad feelings when you were around Tamara, for she was just too happy to stand for depressing thoughts.

Tamara's door was open, as if it was a silent invitation for people to come in. Standing in the doorway, Hitomi could see that Tamara was typing furiously on her little typewriter. She didn't even notice Hitomi.

"Whatcha writing?" asked Hitomi curiously.

Tamara turned and smiled at her, waving vigorously. "Nothing much. Occasionally I write fiction for myself, and that's what I was doing. I'm writing a story that uses a few of the characters from Fushigi Yuugi. You know, the Genbu seishi? The dead hotties I told you about?" Hitomi nodded her head as if she understood. That was the best thing to do in this situation. "Cool. Can I read it sometime?" asked Hitomi.

"Maybe.Well," Tamara said as she pulled the paper out of the typewriter and placed it into a carefully marked folder, "We had better get going to math class. Mr. Wallace will have a fit if we're late."

"Why do they even make us take these subjects anyways?" asked Hitomi as they walked down the hall, on their way to their math class two floors up. Tamara shrugged. "I mean," continued Hitomi, "when and *if* we get out of here, these courses won't be of any use to us. They are so lame that they wouldn't even count for a half a high school credit each. What's the point?"

Tamara smiled at her annoyed friend who was semi sulking over the matter of school. "Like they need a point in here." Said Tamara genially.

Hitomi snorted. "I sometimes wonder if the wackos running this funny farm aren't on more dope than we are." Hitomi said irritably.

"Well, it *would* explain a lot."


Ð Ð Ð


At the end of each class, there was this rather annoying bell that would sound, somewhat like the sound of nails on a chalkboard, signalling the very eager escape of the students. On this particular day, at the last period, instead of the bell, there came a voice over the loud speakers. It was a very tinny sound that came across, and one could barely recognize the rich southern accent of Lily.

"Sorry to disturb you, all mah little Dahlins," she said sweetly, "but I have an important announcement to make. I'm sure that you will all be very excited to know that in one month, it will be the Open Invitation Visiting Weekend." As soon as this was heard, the class cheered happily, and various cat-calls were made. The teacher, Mr. Wallace, made motions with his fingers to get everyone to quite down. It was fairly ineffective for several minutes, but apparently this reaction was expected, for after a long pause, Lily continued. "You have two weeks in which to decide who you want to invite. Then, you must sign up that person, their address, and phone number on the sheet. If you don't, they won't be invited. That's all." There was a click, and then the dreaded imitation bell sounded, making Hitomi cringe.

Hitomi gathered up her things and got moving. She had to stop off at her room to drop off her things and then she would go meet Scratch and Lena in the commons room. They had a date for tonight, they were going to watch Girl Interrupted which had been rented for the pleasure off all.

The commons room was more crowded than usual. There were masses of teens crowding at this particular table, fighting over who got to write first. Hitomi rolled her eyes. She bypassed the mass of pushing, impatient people and went to sit on the couch. She was just waiting for Scratch and Lena to get there so that she could ask them about their day. She was quite shocked when a few minutes later she saw them emerge from the now almost rioting crowd. They grinned happily and sat down. They were very rumpled, hair and clothes a mess. Lena's collar was stretched out and Scratch's eyeliner was smudged in a line across his face. Hitomi looked at the normally poised teens. She raised her eyebrows questioningly. They both shrugged at her as if to say, what can you do?

"What were you two *doing*?!" she asked.

It was their turn to raise their eyebrows at her. "Signing up, duh!" said Lena, as if she should have known better.

"But signing up for *what*?!" snapped Hitomi.

Scratch's eyes widened. "You mean you don't know what Open Invite is?" he asked incredulously. She nodded, glad that they realized it. Scratch explained why there was a hullabaloo. "Well, it's this weekend, when everyone in the Betty is allowed to invite one person, friend, family, whatever. This person is checked out for safety and suitability and, should they pass the inspection, they are sent an invitation. Should they chose to come, they would spend the whole weekend here. Jan was the one that thought it up. She thinks that it's good for us to hang out with non-crazies a bit. I think that she's hoping that it will rub off on us. It's one of the most favoured times in the year here. There's always a rush to sign up because they have limited sleeping space."

"Oh." Hitomi could see why there would be a rush to get on the list. She would have liked to sign up someone, but unfortunately, it wasn't appropriate for her. Her two best friends hadn't forgiven her yet, and they had hung up on her when she tried to call them. This kind of made her feel sad, because Scratch and Lena were already talking excitedly about the weekend, and she had no one to invite. She snapped out of her reverie, because the movie was being put on. The only thing she caught out of their conversation was Lena saying excitedly, "I can't wait to see Van again!"


Ð Ð Ð

Every finger in the room is pointing at me

I wanna spit in their faces

Then I get afraid what that could bring

I got a bowling ball in my stomach

I got a desert in my mouth

Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now.

-Tori Amos

"Where in bloody hell is that girl?" muttered Scratch. He was impatient by nature, and he detested being late. He paced back and forth across the room. Hitomi watched him from her seat on the floor. She finished tying her shoes and then stood up to braid her shoulder length hair.

"I am sure that Lena will be here in a minute," said Hitomi calmly. "Pass me that elastic." Scratch looked around the room, finally he saw a hair elastic lying on the bedside table. He handed it to Hitomi.

Hitomi felt strange inside. She was so calm, it was almost unnerving. This would be her first ever Little Group session. There would be lots of other people from the ward there, and they would all be expecting her to say something intelligent, let alone coherent. Somehow that didn't worry her, though she doubted that she could meet their expectations. //I'll just make it up as I'm going along. I'll worry once I am inside the room.//

Just then, Lena burst through to door. "Sorry my munchkins!" she said cheerily. "I got a phone call from my friend Lisa at home!"

Scratch stood up, relief painted allover his features. "Let's go, children," he said, shooing them out the door. "My audience awaits, and we are late."

Little Group was two floors up, so it took them a few minutes to get there. The door was open, so they just walked in. Hitomi saw that Dr. Heney, Jan, was standing and looking at her watch. She was tapping her foot impatiently and making "tsk" noises. Finally the last person arrived and Jan closed the door.

It was a comfortable room. There were dark red blinds on the windows and it was warm. The room itself almost made her think of velvet, the air was that thick. Along the walls were pictures made of bamboo beads strung out in different patterns. There was also various religious art from around the world. Instead of hard plastic chairs to sit on, there were several futon couches set up in a circle. Inside this circle was a beautiful painting of a Celtic knot, and there were little faeries peaking out here and there. The rest of the people were sitting down on these futons, so Hitomi followed their example. Not knowing where she should sit, she just took the only space available. She was wedged in between Scratch and Michael. Jan cleared her throat.

"Okay everyone! Let's get started. The first thing that I would like to say is that we have a new group member today. I'm sure that many of you have already met Hitomi, but in case anyone hasn't, There should be some introductions. Is there anyone who hasn't already met her?" Hitomi looked around the circle. Marly spoke up.

"Think that I'm the only one who hasn't been formally introduced yet. I am Marly. I hope that-" she was cut of by Bella.

"What? You hope that she has nice stay? Since when is this place the Holiday Inn? Unless you've got something minutely intelligent to say, shit your trap." snapped Bella.

Marly stuck her tongue out at Bella. "You suck!" she said, her voice immature.

"You slurp!" retorted Bella.

"You swallow!"

"You choke!"

"You gargle!"

Bella glared at this last comment. Then she smirked. "At least I get paid for it!" she said smugly. Marly thought for a minute, and then couldn't think of a comeback to that. Bella stuck her tongue out. Jan looked at them both disapprovingly and jotted something down in her notebook. Then the strange man beside Jan spoke in a deep rumbling voice.

"I also haven't met you Hitomi. My name is Dune. I am a student at the local university. I am studying to become a psychiatrist. I am working here as an assistant to Jan to get experience and to pay my way through school." Hitomi remembered laughing out loud at that point. This man, Dune, was so outrageous looking that she couldn't see him in an office like Jan's. Actually, she couldn't picture him in an office period.

The first thing that she saw was his hair. He had sky blue hair, and it was cut in a mullet of all styles! The rat tales trailed down to the middle of his back. He was also huge. He must have been way over six feet tall, and Hitomi could tell this despite the fact that he was sitting down. He had broad shoulders and was very muscular. He would do well in professional sports with a physique like that. His eyes were so kind and intelligent looking that she felt she could trust him with anything. He smiled at her, revealing two rows of perfect white teeth. She made a little wave at him.

"Hitomi, I would like it if you would tell the rest of the group why you are here. If you aren't sure, just tell us why you * think* that you are here. It's a tradition whenever somebody new comes into the group." The group nodded. They wanted to know what was wrong with her. They, like all humans, had a great deal of morbid curiosity. Not one of them, not even Scratch or Lena knew what happened to land her here.

Hitomi took a deep breath. She could do this. It wasn't painful for her to think about these memories anymore, she just didn't care. She had no reason to be ashamed of what had transpired, for it had been out of her control. Her problems weren't scary for her anymore. It was her dreams that scared her.

"Well, I should probably start far back so that you understand why I did what I did. This year I am in grade ten. I just turned sixteen this February. My mother had been a single mother for years. From the time that she and my father divorced when I was one to when she remarried ten years later, she struggled to feed her and myself. She was a vet, and she had her own practice. It was in the basement of our house, because that way she could keep and eye on me; she couldn't afford child care. My mother was always stressed, so when I was about four, she began to drink. Sometimes she would scream at me. I just needed to get out sometimes.

"There has never been a time in my life that I don't remember my Gramma being there. She would look after me for weeks at a time, and I never understood what she was doing to me until recently. I went there when I couldn't stand to be in my own home a moment longer. That's why I feel so stupid.

"My Gramma never hit, not really, if you are thinking that. She did other things but she never just plain out hit me. She was too cunning for that. She needed to abuse me in a way that I couldn't fight against. So she manipulated me into doing things. Sexual things. And she would drink too. She would make me feel so sorry for her that I would feel like shit if I refused her anything. She had me in the palm of her hand. I felt like I had to take care of her and give her what she thought she needed. I put up with her drunken fits, verbal abuse and even the thrashings for years.

"When she was mad at me, she would threaten me by saying that she'd spank me with this wooden paddle with a nail coming out of it. For the longest time I thought that it was just a threat to make me behave. Then, a couple of times, she got really drunk, and brought it out of her closet. It was so real. I can still see her, raising that paddle at me and bringing it down again and again and again.


Ð Ð Ð


Blood and blisters on my fingers

Chaos rules when we're apart

Watch my temper I go mental

I'll try to be gentle

-Garbage

"I can still see her raising that paddle at me, and bringing it down again and again and again." Hitomi's voice trailed off. There was silence in the room. Every face was riveted on her. Hitomi winced. "I still have the scars...in any case, she fucked me up *real* bad. I never thought that it would constitute abuse, so I had no qualms about telling a counselor about it. She went directly to the Children's Aid Society. It escalated from there. They wanted to get the police involved to take her to court and get her arrested.

"It was dealing with the stress of the police constantly bothering me, the constant hospital appointments for anorexia, the depression. It was so bad. And then one day, it happened. I snapped. I was in science class, sitting beside my best friend Yukari. We were working on a lab together, when, quite suddenly, I was overcome with rage. It burned deep inside me and the longer I tried to hide it, the more it grew. I had to get out of that room, no matter the consequences. So I just got up and walked out. I needed to be alone, so that this feeling would go away. I think that I would have made it through that day if it hadn't been for Yukari.

"Sarah and Laura, my other best friend, were worried about me, and came to look for me. They found me in the downstairs locker room. They kept pestering me with all of these questions like 'Are you alright?' If I was alright, I wouldn't be down there with them asking that question, now would I? I just wanted them to go away. So I decided to try and scare them away. I started to bash my self against the lockers like I was, well, crazy. Well, it sure scared them; a little too much. They ran out of the room and straight to the VP. I didn't know this of course, so I just went upstairs like nothing had happened. I was unlocking my locker to get my stuff out and go home when I saw them, Laura and Sarah, walking towards me with the VP.

"I couldn't stand more questions, laying my heart bare to yet another person, being chewed up and spit out. I just couldn't. So I ran. The whole staff was alerted of me. They were told to find me and bring me down to the office. So I kept running. Finally, I found a room with no teachers in it. There were just some other students from my grade. I shut the door behind me, and thought that I was safe until I saw the looks on their faces. They *knew*. I could just tell. I was drowning in frustration and desperate for a way to get out. So I kicked the window open and was about to fling myself out of it when a pair of strong hands grabbed my arms and twisted them behind me. It was the school nurse. She thought that I was crazy, I swear. She was asking me if I was seeing things, she was asking if I was scared. I wasn't scared, I just needed to get away from people. So something inside me changed at that moment.

"My mind stopped working, and my instinct took over. The instinct to get out. It clouded over everything. I don't actually remember anything past that point, but I was told later that I escaped and bolted from the nurse. Apparently I also injured several people who had stood in my way. I even tried to kill Yukari with a glass bottle. Then the police and the ambulance came, and in a few moments, it was all over. That, is why I am here."


Ð Ð Ð


Damn! She's dawning on me

finally dawning on me

she's beautiful

it's not that you don't know what love is

its just that you love her and not me

It's finally dawning on me.

- Bif Naked


Marly's Diary, March 6th

I don't have a chance with Scratch. Not one. I may have had one, a few years back, but I sure as hell don't now. And on top of that, any chance that I do have with him has been eliminated by that new girl, Hitomi. What a bitch. Ever since she came here, just under two weeks ago, Scratch can't seem to think straight. Even his insults towards me are slightly dulled. And it's because of her. He wants *her* and I can tell because it's obvious to anyone who has been around Scratch for as long as I have. He can't stop staring at her for five consecutive seconds! God, I hate her! I wish she would just roll over and die!

To be absolutely truthful though, I don't actually hate *her*. She seems to be an okay person, and Tamara says that she is a good friend so I should probably just give her the benefit of the doubt. But it's so hard! I can't help feeling resentful. *I* used to be where she is now; the trusted confidante, the friend, the potential *love* interest. And I never really wanted him when I had him. It was only afterwards that I realized just how much I cared for him. And I want him back. No, I don't really hate her. I hate myself for driving Scratch away, and I hate him for not forgiving me.

I *know* that this sounds really bitchy, but *I* had him first! I was the one! He should be mine, rightfully. He should be with *me*! I know that in reality, that's not how it is, but I prefer to live in a fantasy world. It's just the way I am. And the situation wasn't helped out any by Hitomi's little confession about her past with her family. It will only make him feel more at ease around her. I will have to think of someway to get him back! In the mean time I will probably end up doing exactly what I always do: sulk.


Ð Ð Ð


Hitomi's Private Thoughts, March 6

I don't believe it. I just can't believe that I laid everything out in the open to those people. I don't know what made me do it. Maybe I was sick of secrecy, and feeling like it had to be hushed up because it was shameful. Maybe I just wanted someone to understand. Or maybe it was temporary insanity. But never mind *why* I did it. The fact is I did, and now everyone knows.

I have to admit, it *was* kind of thrilling though. Sitting there in the dark, smoky room, seeing all their eyes on me, I felt a rush of power. I was in the spotlight, and I had words at my command. They wanted *me*. Well, not exactly me, but just something juicy to chew on. But never the less, I felt, as I sat in that little room, like I was floating. I am a performer by nature, and I guess that side of me took over. I was good. They were really hanging off my every word.

They all had different reactions to my story. Most of them looked sad, sympathetic or horrified at the appropriate moments. Bella looked rather smug, for she was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. I think she may have made a bet with someone over some detail in my past. Well, by the looks of it, she won. Lena was shocked and dismayed at hearing this. I have never really thought that *either* Scratch or Lean would actually care for me as a person. They were just too...above everything else. They always manage to make people feel beneath them. But I think that Lena may be beginning to care. If she didn't care, well, she wouldn't have reacted the way she did, now would she? Scratch pretended not to give a damn, but I could tell from the way he kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye that he wanted to know every bit as much as they did. Well, I hope they are satisfied. Even if I am given the opportunity, I wouldn't be able to do that again for a long time. It's too nerve wracking *afterwards*. God, I have a headache. I wonder what the rules are about Tylenol.


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Nyeusigrube (Scratch's Journal) March 7

I only write in here when I'm confused, and that rule applies now. Jan keeps bugging me to right more in my journal, the one that she gave me. But I just don't see the point. I have Lena, and now Hitomi to talk to. I can trust them with almost everything so when I need to talk, it's to them, and not to some stupid book. But I can't talk to Lena, because she wouldn't understand, and I can't talk to Hitomi because, well, it's about her.

I feel so weird inside. I feel...like I'm not myself, like I'm some other person. I have almost always known who I was and where that put me in life. I am a guilty person. I am, always have and always will be bad. It just happened that way. It's who I was from the beginning. Then, the day the I actually *realized* that I was tainted and couldn't be forgiven, I knew that it didn't make sense to just be mediocre in my guilt. I know from that day on that I would always be the meanest, bitchiest, cruelest person I could be. It wasn't hard for me to do. It came naturally. If I am gonna go to Hell, I may as well get away with as much as possible. I have been that way for years now, brutality and spite becoming more who I am than a mission. I am the ultimate self-centered; I have been diagnosed as that. The mask stayed on for so long that it isn't even a mask anymore. I am the worst person I possibly could be. But lately, I find myself not wanting to be so horrible. It's hard for me to pull off, but I have been trying. And this doesn't make any sense to me.

I think that the reason behind this sudden, well, call it irresolution, is Hitomi. I'm not quite sure how she is causing this, but she is. It only started after she arrived. For a nutcase with a past like hers, she is the most optimistic, *controlled* person I know. She isn't annoyingly happy like Genki-girl, nor emotionless like Bella. She just guards herself carefully against letting any of her emotions flair out of control. I know that she isn't *actually* happy, but she puts on an air of contentment, and it is almost infectious. It makes me want to change who I am. It makes me wish I were good like her. It makes me wish that I could tell her everything....but I can't, and I never will. No matter what she has been through, she will still never understand. She will never forgive me if I told her. She would hate me forever.

Sometimes I just want to brush her hair away from her face, but I can't. Even if she let me touch her, I couldn't let myself. I haven't touched anyone or been touched for years. And I intend to keep it that way. I won't let anyone get close enough to want to touch me. I am not going to break for some little girl, however different she may be. But it is so tempting.

I just needed to get that out. It was driving me mad not to say it, not to know that it was just floating around in my mind. I will get over this though. I have done harder things. But I can't let this girl get underneath my skin. I look out for Number One, and no one else. And if that means shutting others out, well, I'll do it. I come first. No matter what.


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Hitomi's Private Thoughts, March 10

I hardly ever use this book, but lately I seem to be turning to it more. Oh well. Maybe I just don't want people to know how stupid I am. I am probably one of the stupidest creatures on earth. I knew that I was capable of weird things before, but this tops it off. I have a crush on Scratch. I don't get it! How insane is that? I deserve to be in a Looney bin for that by itself.

There is no denying that he is handsome. Every girl, and even some of the guys I know think he is. Hell, he's gorgeous. I love the way he walks; as if the world was created just for him to walk on. And I love the way every one shuts up when he starts to speak. When he talks, he's so cold, so detached from emotion on the outside. But sometimes I can just feel that there is more underneath his icy, malicious exterior. Sometimes I can tell form the tone of his voice, or the flash in his eyes, that he actually does feel things. He may even feel them stronger than the rest of us put together. He hides it so well that even Jan is fooled. I even like his cruelty. There is something exciting about seeing someone who is totally without care for another's feelings. He just gets what he wants, and tramples on as many people as possible to get it. It must be exhilarating to do what you want and never think about the consequences.

I suspected that I liked Scratch before; I had some attraction to him. Today it was confirmed in my own mind. You see, I was finally put on grounds pass today, and Scratch told me that he wanted to go for a walk. I could tell from his tone that he wanted me to come too. So we got ready, and went out and walked the various trails. We were by ourselves, because Lena was with Jan for therapy. It was so cool. We talked for two hours straight. We talked about religion, life, people and common prejudices of the world today. It was incredible. And every time I looked at him, it felt like my stomach was doing somersaults. By the end of the walk, I was sure that my stomach was trying to climb up my throat. And do you know what the funny thing is? I enjoyed it.


Ð Ð Ð

Suck on my mouth

Suck my pain away

Helplessness I am hard to stain

Potentially inappropriate

I pray to you

You are in me

You are my religion

-Bif Naked

Scratch tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you ready *yet*?" he asked irritably. He watched as Hitomi slowly rubbed sunscreen into the skin if her face, neck and shoulders. Her thin figure was kind of swaying back and forth to the music she was humming. She was beautiful. Scratch hated himself for thinking it, but she was.

"I really don't know why you need to put on sunscreen in April!" he exclaimed, exasperated. He felt caged in. The need to be free was driving Scratch crazy. It was making his skin itch. It was too hot in here. Or maybe that was just because he was with Hitomi but none the less, he was desperate to get outside and into the fresh clean air.

"All right, all right, I'm done." Hitomi said, seeing how anxious he was today. "I'll regret it though," she continued, "because if I get too much sun, my face will get all red and blotchy." She grinned as she dabbed a little sunscreen on Scratch's nose. "Wouldn't want that now would we?"

Scratch shook his head as a reply, and then wiped the sunscreen off of his nose. "Are we going for a walk before free time is up or what?" he asked crossly. Hitomi knew enough to ignore the nasty note in his voice.

"Okay, okay, Mr. I-Have-Ants-In-My-Pants, we're going." She said as she hopped up and kind of danced out the door. Scratch, relieved, shut the door behind her. Soon they were outside, their breaths showing up in the cold spring air. Winter had been longer this year, so despite the fact that it was April, it felt like February.

Hitomi pulled her jacket around her tightly and in silence they walked towards the 'Forest Trail'. Hitomi loved these walks with Scratch. She cherished them. Ever since Hitomi was put on grounds pass about a month before hand, she and Scratch would go for walks together while Lena was in One on One therapy with Jan. There was no other time that they could really go outside, for Lena detested anything to do with snow. Or cold, for that matter. So every second day they bundled up and headed outside.

They talked about almost everything. Politics, weather, fashion, the price of peas in China, it was all fair game for verbal dissection. Or sometimes they would walk together, side by side, in silence, like they were doing now. It was very calming to just stroll, looking at all of the big oaks and maples, listening to the chickadees chirp and hear the crunch of snow beneath their feet. Hitomi felt an overwhelming surge of contentment. Before she quite knew what she was doing, she found herself entwining her fingers with Scratch's. Surprised and confused, he jerked his hand away from her letting it fall limp as he turned his back to Hitomi. Hitomi felt hurt, angry. What was wrong with holding hands? Was she that disgusting to him? Tears pricked at the back of her eyes and she blinked several times, to fight them. She heard Scratch draw a deep ragged breath. When he spoke, his voice was strained.

"Hitomi, I'm sorry. I-I need to tell you- you deserve to be told." That's all he could manage to get out. He sat down on the hard snow, and motioned for her to sit as well. As she sat, she wondered what he was going to tell her. It was something bad, that much she could tell. His eyes were clouded with pain and remorse, and maybe...guilt? He kept biting his lip and looking at her like it was the last time that he would ever see her. Hitomi opened her mouth to speak, but Scratch put a finger over her lips, silencing her.

"Please." He said, his voice rough. "Don't say anything. Even when you know the truth, don't say anything, please. Just walk away from me and don't look back. Don't make me feel worse that I already do." Hitomi felt her stomach lurch. What was he going to tell her? He looked her straight in the eye as he spoke.

"When I was little, two to be exact, my father died. Heart failure was the cause. He was very young, only in his early thirties. My mother, who was even younger, wasn't going to sit around and mourn for the dead and gone. That's the way she was. So when, two years later she met a new man named Corey, she didn't hesitate to say yes when he asked her to marry him. And they decided together that he should adopt me, so that it would be like I had a real father in my life. A father whose name would be put on my birth certificate. I had no real say in this, because I was so young. I didn't hate him, I just didn't like him."

"Well, about when I was eight, my mother discovered that she had cancer. It was very serious, and the doctors wanted her to be put in the hospital immediately for around the clock treatment. So she went. She stayed there until her death four months later. Anyways, Corey was ok, at least up until mom died. He pretended to love me like a son, probably just so I wouldn't say anything to mom when we visited her. Then, after her funeral, everything changed. He got sick of playing daddy, so when I misbehaved, or just if he felt like it, he would hit me. He had an awful temper, and he knew how to use a switch just a certain way that could make you scream for mercy. He would also throw things. Occasionally he threw me. Now, if I had had any common sense, I would have told someone and gotten out of there. It wasn't too late yet. But I didn't because I still had my dignity. Then one night he came home drunk, and even that changed."

"I knew that he was in a rage the moment he entered the room. Even the way he opened the door conveyed how much he loathed me. The way he stood, towering over me, I felt somewhere deep inside that there was something wrong there. That I should get out. But I had gotten really good at ignoring my instincts by that point so I just said hello. But I felt it. Maybe it was the way his fingers kept twitching. Maybe it was the way he looked at me like a dessert being set out for him. In any case, I was scared. He came over to me, and picked me up by my hair. Then he threw me across the room, and my head collided with the wall. I was bleeding, and everything was going fuzzy. The last thing that I saw, he was pulling down his pants." Scratch looked away from Hitomi now, he couldn't look at her anymore.

"I was lucky that time." Scratch said, his voice muffled my the wind. "The other times--- the other times he made me feel each and every moment. He would make me scream, he would make me beg, he would make me-" Scratch stopped. His throat had tightened up so much that he could barely breathe. He fought to keep back tears of anger and shame. Boys don't cry. He closed his eyes so that he wouldn't have to see Hitomi's disgusted face. He didn't want to see her walk away, hating him. He could stand it, if only he didn't watch.

Hitomi's eyes widened n shock. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. It made her heart ache to hear the words, and she wished she never had. They echoed inside her head, torturing her. Anger boiled up inside of her. //How could anyone do *that* to a little boy?!// she thought angrily. She wanted to kill that man, Corey. She wanted to so badly. Then Hitomi looked up from the ground and looked at his face. Pain was written all over it, and his eyes were shut tightly. She felt her anger melt away as she watched his white hands clasp and unclasp. Gently, she took one of these hands and pressed her lips into his palm.

Scratch opened his eyes, disbelief and surprise shining through at her. "Why are you so surprised? Did you think that I would blame you, find you disgusting?" she asked softly, moving closer to him. He nodded his head, looking down. "I would *never* do that, Scratch. Never! It wasn't your fault what happened. You were a child. *It* *wasn't* *your* *fault*." She accentuated each of these last words with a firm kiss to his hand. Scratch felt relief wash over him. She took her other hand and wiped at the corners of his eyes, where the beginnings of tears had formed. "Why did you think that I would abandon you for something like that?" she asked.

"I-oh, it's nothing. I just felt- it doesn't matter." He stood up and held his hand out to her to help her up. She grabbed the offered hand, and pulled herself upright. Together they walked back to the building, still holding hands, each finding comfort in the simple show of affection.


Ð Ð Ð

She disappeared then reappeared

Whenever she was able

She opened up a can of worms and threw dinner on the table

It's suitable for fishing

A dinner well worth missing

But we are all invited and we must all attend

-Gwen Swick

Scratch turned over in his bed, trying to find a comfortable position. It was virtually impossible. The room was too hot, despite the fact that the window was wide open, letting in the cold night air. His skin was clammy and his breathing was shallow. After what seemed like an eternity of trying to sleep, he sat up. It was obvious to him that he wouldn't be able to sleep at all that night, no matter what he did. He looked at the little digital clock beside his bed and saw that it was about two in the morning. //Shit!// he thought. //No one's gonna be up at this point. I have absolutely nothing to do.// he crawled over to the bedside table and clicked on the little lamp. He squinted as a bright light was cast all around the room. He felt pissy. He was definitely in the mood for a dark room. Walking across the cold floor, he found a black t-shirt, and threw it over the lamp. Nothing but a little bit of light shone out from beneath the shirt. //That's better.// he thought.

Scratch sat down on the floor and looked around the room. He knew he was angry at himself, but he couldn't remember why. He looked at all of his posters on the wall, as if they would give him answers. When they didn't, he decided to let it go. He decided to just let his mind wander.

Scratch couldn't believe what he had done. He had told *Hitomi*, of all people, about his past. He hated himself. No matter how understanding she may have seemed, there was no way she could look him in the eyes from now on. Virtually no one knew the truth about Scratch. Only Jan, Dune, and Van knew the real truth. And now Hitomi. She would never think of him as anything other than an object of pity now. Scratch got up and walked across the room. He stood in from of full length mirror, and looked at his naked upper torso.

//Even if she didn't pity me, and didn't hate me, she'd be to disgusted by who you are.// he told himself angrily. He ran his fingers along his chest and stomach, digging his nails into his skin, and watching as five little red trails appeared on his skin. In a fit of anger he attempted to dig his fingers into his skin and rip it off. He was disgusting. He hated himself. He looked down from the mirror to the floor. He felt so young. He wanted to crawl up into a little hole and never come out. Never, not for anyone.

He walked over to his dresser and rooted around until he found his spiked collar. He picked it up and felt for the strip of black electric tape on the inward facing side. Scratch carefully removed the tape and took the razor that had been hidden underneath. Scratch always kept it there so that no one could find it if there was a room search.

He sat down and held the razor up as if to see it better. The light glinted off the sharp edge, and his skin itched in anticipation. Scratch bit his lip and let his eyes roll back into his head as the blade began to dig into his flesh.

Ð Ð Ð

it feels like a movie

'cause i've done something heavy

now i'm all alone

you know I like it

well i wish i was older i could hold my liquor

then i 'd blow your cover instead of my own

-Nina Gordon

Everyone was sitting in the commons room. Some were pacing anxiously; others were chattering away or tapping their fingers impatiently. Everyone was excited. It was the first day of Open Invites and the guests would start arriving any time now. Even Hitomi was excited, despite the fact that she hadn't invited anybody. The atmosphere was infectious.

Scratch was sitting beside her, his headphones blaring Rammstien so loud that everyone else could hear it as well as him. His expression was unreadable; his face was relaxed and emotionless, and his eyes were covered by opaque sunglasses. Hitomi watched him for a moment or two, pondering his behavior towards her today, or the lack thereof. Ever since they went for the walk yesterday and he told her about his childhood, he had barely spoken two words to her. It was like now that she knew the truth about his father, he didn't want to have anything to do with her. It was like he wanted to get her out of his sight. Frustration welled up inside Hitomi and she clenched her fist. He was being such a fuckwad. She just wanted to rip those sunglasses off his face and *make* him look at her. She was also pretty tempted to just punch his face in, but either action would merely end her up in isolation for the duration of the weekend. She wanted to stick around to meet all the non-crazy people. So she sat back and turned away from Scratch. She looked at Lena instead.

Lena was excited, anyone could see that, but only someone who knew her better than the others would be able to tell that she was also nervous. Hitomi could tell by the way that she kept tapping her foot rapidly against the floor. But the dead give away was the fact the Lena had grabbed a section of her hair and was gently tugging at it. Only when Lena was distressed about something would she do that, and the more upset she was, the harder she pulled. Hitomi just couldn't figure out why Lena was so...uncomfortable. Her puzzled thoughts relating to Lena were interrupted by one of the girls who had been looking out the window to the parking lot below.

"Someone's arrived!" she exclaimed. "A few cars just pulled up!" Every one moved, en masse, towards the wind. Hitomi and Scratch were the only ones who weren't trying to climb over the bass of teenage bodies to get a glimpse of the visitor. Hitomi figured that she would meet these people soon enough, and Scratch just looked like he was asleep, though she couldn't tell because of his glasses. She opened up her sketch book and began to draw him.

The announcement of new arrivals and the crowding to see them occurred several times during the next hour or so. Every time, someone would identify their guest, and they would run off to the entrance hall where they would greet them. Eventually, there were only a few people left in the room besides the three of them. Not even Lena bothered to get up when Michael, who had been spotting at the window, informed them that someone had just pulled up. She just sat looking dejected. Hitomi only looked at her for a moment before turning back to her sketchbook.

"Maybe he isn't coming." Said Lena miserably. "Or maybe he forgot or..." she trailed off for a few moments thinking. Just as she was about to open her mouth to speak again, Jan came into the room and interrupted her.

"Lena, Scratch, I'd like you to come with me." she looked at Hitomi, as if scrutinizing her and then said, "You too." She crooked her finger at them. Scratch frowned but got up, and the girls followed suit. They were lead down the hall towards Jan's office. They each had their own suspicions about why Jan wanted to see them. They all thought they were in some sort of trouble, but each had different ideas of why. All three were a more than a little apprehensive by the time they reached the door. Then, just as Jan was about to open it, they heard two deep voices chuckling. Hitomi recognized the voice of Dune, but she couldn't place the other one. The identity of the person was not long a mystery. Lena squealed and yanked open the door. Scratch watched her amused as she ran inside yelling, "Van!"


Ð Ð Ð


i'm like a self made hand grenade

but i can't pull the pin

i set the bait and sit back

and wait then i try to see if i can reel you in

-Nina Gordon

"Sorry I'm late guys!" exclaimed Van. Lena threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. Van chuckled and hugged her fiercely. He then turned to Scratch and embraced him. Normally, he forbade anyone to touch him, even Lena. Hitomi watched in amazement as he threw his arms around Van and buried his head in his shoulder. Van smiled and stroked Scratch's hair affectionately.

"So kid, how are you holding up?" he asked softly. Scratch lifted his head to look at him. Then he shrugged and said, "As well as any psycho in a Betty could be." Van laughed and gave him one last squeeze before letting him go. It was then that Van noticed Hitomi standing as far away from the group as she could, her back up against the door. He moved around Scratch and stood looking her up and down. They silently studied each other for a few moments.

Hitomi's first impression of Van was that he was attractive, in a bad boy kind of way. He was somewhere in his early twenties and stood just as tall as Dune. He wore a loose red t-shit and a pair of khaki shorts that showed off his bronzed muscles. Hitomi wondered how anyone could have such a nice tan at this time of year. His long, thick black hair was kept in a ponytail that reached his waist. He grinned lopsidedly at her when he saw that she was looking at his long hair. He held out his hand to her.

"My name is Van. I'm please to meet you." He said politely. Then he burst out laughing. "There Jan! You see? I told you I'm learning some manners! Even if I can't keep a straight face." Van trailed off and looked back at Hitomi. Scratch snorted. "Little suck up!" he muttered.

Hitomi smiled back at Van, a little tentatively. "My name is Hitomi Kanzaki," she said, taking the proffered hand. She studied it while she shook his hand. He had the tattoo of a red and black dragon. The red dragon's head was on his hand and the other one was somewhere under his shirt. The two wound around his arm in an intricate design and disappeared under that shirt sleeve.

"Do you usually hang out with these Twinkies, or are you too sophisticated for them? He asked, winking at her. "Because you sure don't look like the scumbags they usually hang around with."

Hitomi was baffled. "I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult!" she exclaimed.

"Take it as a compliment," he said.

"Wadda ya mean "scum"?" interjected Lena indignantly.

"You mean scum like you?" growled Scratch. Van smiled indulgently.

"That, my dear sick boy, is *exactly* what I mean." Jan interrupted their friendly banter to shoo them out of her office. She had to do some paper work and discuss medicine doses with Lily. Dune stayed behind and waved to them before closing the door behind them.

They stood in the hallway wondering what to do for a few minutes. Then Van spoke up. "I wanna take a tour," he said. "A lot of stuff has probably changed since I was last here." Hitomi felt awkward walking down the hall with them. She shouldn't be there; this was a time for old friends to catch up, and she was getting in the way. They didn't want her tagging along.

"Hey guys," she said, "I'm gonna go back to my room. I have some major laundry I need to do. Lena, do you want anything cleaned?" Lena shook her head, not even taking her eyes off of Van. Hitomi slipped away, and her feeling of loneliness increased as their cheerful chatter echoed down the halls after her.


Ð Ð Ð


Van watched the girl walk away from him for a few moments and then turned back to his companions. Lena, who was almost *bubbling* with excitement had asked him what he was up to these days. "Well, I'm doing a lot of photography in my spare time. I still have a job at the mechanic's but I am discovering that I love being behind the lens of a good camera. You know," he said, when he read the look of slight incomprehension on Lena's face. "Taking pictures of models, tweaking them, etc."

Scratch smiled. "I'm quite sure you are loving your new talent, especially if there is a pretty woman in front of you," he said cynically.

Van nodded, not even bothering to disagree. "That's true and I can't deny it, but I also do scenery or pets or just about anything else really." said Van. He smiled at his two little lunatics and asked, "But what about you? What have you been doing?" As usual when Van was involved, Lena dominated the conversation.

"Well, ok I guess. They transferred me to the Eating Disorder section of the clinic when I dropped below 70 lbs but sent me back once I managed to gain another sixteen back. Not much has changed since then really. Except for Hitomi. She came just over a month ago and she's my new room mate. She's actually pretty cool if you get past the whole school girl look. I don't really know *why* she's in here; she's saner that just about everyone and is pretty lacking in the problem area. Otherwise, she can be a lot of fun." At this point Lena actually stopped for breath, and Van took advantage of this silence to speak.

"And what do you think of her Scratch?" he asked. Scratch shrugged noncommittally. When that didn't seem to satisfy his older friend he said reluctantly, "She's...okay...I guess." His voice lacked conviction. Van's eyes narrowed and he peered at Scratch as he moved ahead, as if to move away from the topic. He only did that when he didn't want to talk about something for reasons of his own. Graciously, Van let him change the subject by suggesting that they go out for a smoke.


Ð Ð Ð

sometimes he'll twitch for no reason

its just a twitch and its part of his style

he tells me I'm his one and only

the only one driving him wild

-Bif Naked

For Open Invites the cafeteria's "cooks" had been given the weekend off. Obviously *someone* up at the top knew that they couldn't cook for shit and decided to hire caterers for the whole weekend. The result was enormous amounts of gourmet food that smelled so good that even Lena tried a little bit of everything. The smells wafted through the building, and by dinner time, people were licking their lips in anticipation. If Lena ate, you could be sure that the rest of the people who crowded the cafeteria, guests and patients alike, were *gorging* themselves.

That evening, Hitomi decided that it would be better to leave Scratch and Lena to have dinner with Van. Besides, she felt awkward around them, and she just wasn't feeling up to it. Instead she had joined Bella at an isolated table by the wall. Despite Bella's icy greeting upon Hitomi's arrival, the two of them had fun talking. For the first week or so they had both been rather offish towards each other, but that soon melted away. Hitomi had then discovered that Bella, no matter what else she might be or come across as, was hilarious. Hitomi could easily compare the random things that were said in their conversations to some of Tamara's idiosyncrasies. The only difference was that Bella usually thought along more cynical or sexual lines than Tamara. Everything had a hidden meaning or connotation with Bella.

That particular evening they were finding all the ways in which they could relate food to sex. It had started with the creamy sauce over our fettuccine alfredo. Hitomi looked at it, her eyes kind of crossed and said flatly, "It looks like cum." That was it. It escalated from there to include every and any edible food they could think of.

"So Bella, having fun *slurping* back that glass of milk?" asked Hitomi with a devilish grin. Bella glared at her. "Shut up. At least I'm not..." she trailed off, trying to think of something appropriate to call Hitomi. Her eyes widened as the idea hit her. "At least I'm not a yogurt squirting milk carton!" she blurted out. Then her eyes widened as if she was surprised she had said it. Hitomi was taken aback at first, and then the humor of it hit her. Only Bella would come up with something like that.

She began to giggle uncontrollably. The image of a yogurt squirting milk carton and all of the sexual innuendos associated with dairy products made it hard for Hitomi to gain control again. She wiped her eyes and saw that Bella had been laughing too, just as amused as Hitomi.

"Snargleboo," said Hitomi with a pout. This was her trade mark nonsense word to say that she was sulking or mad at you. Bella was well familiar with it.

"Snarglebitch!" Bella said happily. This altered version of her favorite word coming from Bella sent Hitomi into peels of laughter. Then she noticed something that sent her right over the edge. Still giggling, she pointed to Bella's lips.

"You...have..." she stopped. She needed to catch her breath. Once she felt she could string a few words together at a time she spoke again. "You have...white...stuff...on your face." Hitomi then gave in to the urge to laugh. She rocked back and forth and nearly fell off of her chair.

Bella, who was rather annoyed at being the unwilling but of Hitomi's sick joke, took advantage of Hitomi's distraction. She took a large spoonful of the rich alfredo sauce and skillfully flicked her wrist. The off-white goo landed right between Hitomi's eyes. This shocked Hitomi out of her laughing fit as she stared at the now-empty spoon in Bella's hand incredulously. Mouth open in amazement, she touched the dripping sauce with her index finger and pulled it away a little disgusted. Bella smoothed out her napkin primly. "Now who has white stuff on her face?" she asked smugly. Hitomi's eyes narrowed at Bella. "You did *not* just do that!" exclaimed Hitomi as she wiped the sauce off her face. "I'll get you for this. I swear you will be *very* sorry."


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i know this feeling awfully well

i could build a camera custom made

to tape record the smell of the perfume

that we used to share

until you spilled it on the floor

what more could anybody ask for?

-Nina Gordon

The full moon shone down lovingly on her many children. She belonged to the night, as did the stars of fate. The night was strangely silent and calm. Even the heavenly bodies themselves seemed to have dimmed. The world was dark. It was a strange night, almost eerie in its stillness. It was a night for dreams. It could make you believe in the unbelievable. It could bring the skeletons out of the closet.

Ð Ð Ð

Lena was standing in the middle of a circle. All of the other children were her age; they were in her grade four class. They stood, shoulder to shoulder to prevent her escape, and began to close in on her. They pulled at her hair and clothes, ripping and tugging. As Lena struggled to make them stop, the taunting began.

"Lardo!" "Fatty!" "Hippo!" "Piggy!"

Hurt and confusion shone in her eyes. This seemed only seemed to make her peers more agitated. They began to become more and more aggressive in their pulling. They began to hit her and kick her. She fought like a wild cat, biting and scratching. She would not tolerate being treated like this! She moved to hit them back when Jenna, one of her old friends, grabbed her hand. She gripped Lena's pinkie finger in a tight squeeze and began to twist it ever so gently. Pain shot up into her hand and settled there.

Lena stopped thrashing about as they continued to beat her. She wasn't going to fight back if her hand was in danger. She couldn't let Jenna hurt her fingers if she was going to be a concert violinist when she was older. Lena wanted to kick and scream and fight back, but her dream meant too much. She had spent hours practicing everyday. She had started taking lessons from when she turned three! It was what she was going to do with her life. She had always known it. So for this and this alone, she lay there on the ground, finger still held by Jenna.

Eventually the children tired of this 'sport' and, one by one, they began to cease their violence and retreat to other parts of the yard. All of the others had left, save Jenna. Janna stood over her, looking at her in disgust. "Pieces of shit like you don't deserve to live!" she snarled, voice low and cruel. Suddenly she flicked her wrist, twisting Lena's pinkie finger. There was a sickening crunch, and Lena screamed, more in rage than pain, and clutched her limp finger. Jenna a walked away, never bothering to look back at Lena.

Lena lay there sobbing, staring at her mangled hand. The pain eventually began to fade. It was replaced by a deep hatred. They had ruined her. All her time spent on the violin was for *nothing* now. Everything she wanted was gone. She wanted to kill them.

Her hatred clouded her vision, and everything disappeared. An angry face loomed above hers and blocked out the scene. "Just what do you think you are doing here girl?!" asked the boy in an irritated, rather arrogant tone. He held out his hand to help her up off the ground. As Lena stood, she saw that the school ground, the play structure, the children- it had all been replaced by a long metal hallway. It seemed to go on forever in both directions, and every few feet there were large black doors. This in itself was odd. A hallway didn't just go on forever. But the thing that shocked her the most was that the boy in from of her looked exactly like Scratch. If one replaced red armour with black cotton and took away that long scar on his cheek, then it *would* be Scratch. Lena stared at him open mouthed. It looked like he wanted to say something to her. He began to open his mouth, but before he could make a sound he faded away, along with the hall and the doors. Lena was left with an empty darkness, a hole of black.


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Lena knew that it had been a dream before she was even fully conscious. She blinked a few times, but that didn't really help her see any better. She just had to let her eyes adjust to the dark. That dream had been so strange. It was so odd that she would have a dream about Scratch wearing clothes like that, and in such a weird place too. It was so absurd. And the other part of the dream.

Lena involuntarily twitched her fingers. She hadn't thought about her wasted violin ambition for years. She had all but forgotten it being here in the Albrecht Durer asylum. Lena pressed her hand firmly against her chest, and felt a deep sorrow wash over her.


Ð Ð Ð


Hitomi sat on the top of the stairs, watching the landing below. This was her duty as the self appointed guardian of the house. She would sit for hours and watch the people who came in and out of the door below. She would direct them to go around the corner and down the *other* set of stairs to get to where they wanted to go. If any of them were confused as to where they were to take their pets, she was there to help them. She would take them under her wing and direct them to her mother's veterinary clinic in the basement.

The upstairs of the building was her house, and Hitomi was fiercely protective of it. It was the only home she had ever had, and with all of these suspicious strangers coming in and out, she needed to keep an eye on them. Should any of the pets escape from below, she would catch them before they had a chance to mess up her house.

She watched like a hawk as a boy emerged from the basement and stood at the landing, looking up at her intently. She sat up straighter. She had seen this boy go down with his mother who had been carrying a rather scruffy looking cat, but neither the mother nor the cat were with him now. He just stood, his eyes burning holes into her.

He was older than her. She couldn't tell how much older though. He was rather sunburnt, and a handful of freckles dotted his nose and cheekbones. Obviously someone had tried to tame the mass of wild black hair by combing out it of his face, but it didn't do much good. He broke of his gaze rather abruptly.

"Well, how old are you?" he asked this as if she should have told him ages ago, and what did she think she was doing just sitting there staring at him? Hitomi held up four fingers in front of her face. "Four huh? I'm nine." He stated, proud of his maturity. "Do you have any good movies here?" he asked her. She nodded, then waited.

People usually talked if you gave them a chance to collect their thoughts. This was one thing that Hitomi knew for sure. This remained true with the boy. "Well, aren't you going to invite me up?" he asked, amazed at her stupidity. Without waiting for an answer he bounded up the stairs and stood beside her. "I'm Hitomi," she said proudly. His reddish-brown eyes were filled with amusement. Hitomi. What a strange name.


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If it was possible to be a hermit at the age of 10, Scratch had pulled it off almost to perfection. He detested talking, laughing or just being with people in general. He, for the most part barricaded himself inside his room, typing furiously. For a child, he already knew all the quirks of hacking and programming. Occasionally he would look out his window to the outside world for a few moments, and then he would turn back to his technology infested room.

It was on one such occasion that he saw them. He saw the blond girl first, Lena was her name, and then Hitomi. They were kneeling on the ground, sidewalk chalk in their hands, busy drawing or writing on the pavement below. Standing above them was Van, bossing them around, as usual. What Scratch couldn't understand was how a twelve year old boy like Van could stand to even be *near* a pair of giggly seven year old girls. Sure, they were spontaneous, and usually quite funny, but you had to draw a line somewhere. Even Scratch was enticed by them; they could occasionally convince him to come out with them. But he just couldn't understand why Van would voluntarily join himself at the hip with them. Scratch shook his head at the scene below. He just didn't get it.


Ð Ð Ð

and you don't seem to understand a shame

you seemed an honest man

and all the fears you hold so dear

will turn to whisper in your ear

-Boa

Hitomi felt the steaming water flow over her body, relishing in the warmth that was invading her skin, and sighed tiredly. She had woken early that morning and was completely drained of all emotion and energy. More correctly, she felt like she had been hit by a bus during the night. And she knew *exactly* what was making her feel so crappy.

She had dreamt last night, for the very first time since she arrived at AD. It hadn't been a nightmare, but it was creepy none the less. It had been so *realistic*. Everything about it, her old home, the smells and sounds of the clinic below her, the fray in the stairs where she had sat for many hours at a time.It was so typical of her to be sitting at the top of the stairs, shrewd eyes judging all who passed her. It was sort of like déjà vu.

Hitomi had made many of her friends by sitting at the top of the stairs. Most kids would feel either intimidated or curious when they saw. And both of those emotions lead to conversation, and usually a friendship of sorts. But she had no recollection whatsoever of this strange, bold boy in her dream, but at the same time, it struck something deep within her. He *felt* real, in every sense. The way he smiles, the sound of his pre- pubescent voice, it had awakened something inside of her, and Hitomi didn't know what.

The reality of it disturbed Hitomi. It was like a new part of her had been kindled last night, just be wrenched away from her when she awoke.

Hitomi felt her eyes stinging, and closed them. She would *not* allow herself to cry over a meaningless *dream*. She turned off the tap and stepped out into the cold air. Quickly, she wrapped a towel around her torso and then peered into her steam distorted reflection.

"Snap out of it, Kanzaki!" she muttered angrily to her reflection. It was a silly little *dream*! She was young, fit and had some of the best, most *interesting*, if not sane, friends she could ask for. There was no point in getting all weepy over a fictional character that her sleeping mind had created.

Taking a deep breath, she gathered whatever emotional energy she had left, and forced a smile on her face. When that didn't work, she tried instead to relax her face a bit, to make her seem more natural and content. That was better. //Real enough. They'll buy it.//

After twisting her hair back into a sloppy bun, she pulled on a stretchy T-shirt and a pair of jeans. She looked at herself, satisfied with what she saw. These jeans were her comfort food for her body. They were worn with age, and faded, and all of the curves suited her body perfectly. And her favourite thing about them was the patchwork writing up the leg. It said in big bold letters, "Kiss me, I'm confused." Pulling her sneakers on, she crept out of the room, careful not to disturb Lena, who was still sleeping soundly.

Walking down the deserted hall, she decided that she was going to go to the common room, where she could read or watch TV until the others woke up. Not that she would be spending much time with *either* Scratch or Lena, since Van was around. Lena would just spend her time drooling, and Scratch would wipe it up.

Immediately, Hitomi regretted thinking this. It wasn't fair. She knew that they hadn't seen Van for almost a year. It was just that things were so weird between her and Scratch already, and she just wanted to be alone with him so that she could sort out how she was feeling.

Hitomi glanced at the clock on the wall as she began to open the door to the common room. It was just half past six.

"You're up early." Hitomi jumped, surprised to hear a voice other than her own. Then she saw Van, who was standing beside the tall bookshelf, some tattered copy in his hand.

"Oh. It's *you*," she said dejectedly.

"Don't sound so excited, Hitomi!" he said, his eyes showing a bit of hurt behind the humour.

Hitomi grimaced. "Sorry. I'm tired." She said shortly. She was feeling kind of guilty about being so jealous of him. She just wanted to erase it, but she couldn't help feeling awkward around him.

"How about we go for a walk? It's kind of dead around here right now," Van suggested, casually.

"Sure." Van put down the book that he was hold and made his way across the room, taking big strides.

They walked in silence, both unsure how to start the conversation, until they elevator doors closed in front of them. Then, Van turned to her and asked, "Do you dislike me for any particular reason?"

"What?!" spluttered Hitomi.

"Well, after I arrived yesterday, you hurried off, and then, at dinner, you didn't sit with Scratch or Lena. They were both kind of upset. They wanted you to stick around. I just wanted to know if you didn't want to be around them because of me." Van mentally crossed his fingers, hoping desperately that she wouldn't say yes. He knew that she had always been brutally honest, and it was unlikely that she had changed much. Hitomi hesitated before speaking, her face pensive, and uncomfortable.

"Yes," she finally said, and Van's heart dropped. "It *was* because of you." She saw the look on Van's face, and her words became more hurried and apologetic. "I don't mean that I dislike you! Don't think that. I just...I don't really want to say this but...I was jealous. I didn't want to have to hang around while you got all the attention from Lena and Scratch. Ever since I came here, I have been pretty central to our friendship." At this point the elevator doors opened, and they stepped out onto the ground floor and make their way for the exit.

"When you came," Hitomi continued, "You represented the side of their friendship that I wasn't a part of. It's childish, I know. I'm sorry." Van smiled at her. She hadn't changed an bit. Especially when it came to her own faults, she would always cough up when questioned. He looked at her beautiful face, flushing with embarrassment and shame. He couldn't help it. He wanted to kiss her. But as he was considering it, she turned away from him.

"It was unfair of me." She said softly. He laughed. "Don't be so self-criticizing! I'm just glad that you don't have, like, some sort of huge thing against me. Look," he said, as he saw her dubious expression, "Let's just forget that it ever happened, okay? It *never* happened. Now, I want you to tell me a bit about yourself, but I can't really expect you to do that unless I talk about me for a bit, right?"

"I guess that's fair," conceded Hitomi. This was weird. Van had such a charismatic energy around him that Hitomi really did want to forget that she had ever been envious of him. She shrugged and decided to play along. Seeing that she agreed, Van began to talk in easy, flowing words, his deep voice friendly and open.

"I'm twenty-one, and I live in LA. I have a little two bedroom apartment there. I've been living in LA since I got my walking papers and my inheritance. When my parents died in a fire, they left both me and my brother Dune enough money so that we could each dabble freely in whatever catches our interest." He stopped and watched as Hitomi regained her breath after choking.

"*Dune* is your brother?!" she squeaked. He grinned and nodded.

"We don't look much alike, except for body build. I take after my mom, but Dune, he takes after no one. He's the oddball." Hitomi chuckled, obviously amused by something. "What?" asked Van, gently.

Hitomi giggled. "Well, I was just wondering who was sent here first, you or your brother, and if in *either* case it was the reason behind the other ending up in AD too." She shrugged.

"It was an amusing thought. The idea of Dune driving you crazy is rather...interesting. His workaholic tendencies *could* do that."Van grinned, before becoming serious. "Actually, you're right. After I was institutionalized, my brother became slightly obsessed with the who's and where's and how's...and most of all the why's of my sudden...predicament. He's determined to figure out what happened to me to make me into a loony. I doubt that he ever will though. I have a hard time understanding it myself, and it's hardly something that I could explain to someone. It's just one of those things that you couldn't possibly understand unless you had been through the same shit." //Like you.// he added silently.

"That's totally understandable. As much as I adore Scratch and Lena, I couldn't expect them to *understand* how my mind works." agreed Hitomi.

//Wouldn't bet on it.// Van had to bite his tongue to keep from saying this out loud. He gazed at her affectionately at his oh-so-innocent childhood friend and fantasy lover. She had grown up so much, so much prettier than he had expected that despite the fact that she was just a kid, he felt a familiar stirring inside of him.

She stopped walking. He gave her a quizzical look.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Like what?" he asked, his words casual, but the strain in his voice betrayed his troubled state.

She paused for a second, her voice soft and sweet. "Why are you looking at me like you had lost a part of yourself, and that when you watch me, you've found it again?" she looked up into his face, eyes searching. "Why?" she demanded again, her voice a little more bold. Van debated for a moment, and then decided to ignore *all* of his warring ideas.

Instead, he stepped forward and grasped the back of her neck. "Maybe, just maybe I look at you that way because I have."


Ð Ð Ð


from my eyes flowed glacial water from my soul

sick obscenities I died eating French fries

in the restaurant on the corner

where you broke my heart

I cried cuz I bit my tongue

Knowing truth would wash over you like rain

-Bif Naked

"Maybe, just maybe I look at you that way because I have." He said, just before he leaned forward to meet her lips with his. For a moment, she was too startled to react, but then she began to return the kiss, ever so hesitantly. It was soft and sweet, kissing Van, and feeling the early morning breeze ruffle their hair. She sighed contentedly as she inhaled the scent of crisp spring air that was so similar to Scratch's own distinct fragrance.

Suddenly she pushed Van away, a deep shade of crimson rising to her cheeks. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed, her tone strained. Then she buried her face in her hands so that he couldn't see the guilt and shame that were displayed so blatantly on her features. When nothing was said for several minutes, she finally looked at him timidly. Instead of the hurt and confusion that she expected to see there, his eyes held only an apology and a tinge of smugness. "I'm sorry." She said simply, her voice grating. How could she have done that?! She wanted *Scratch*!

He nodded. "I know. It's Scratch."

She looked at him, bewildered.

"Don't apologize, I should be the one apologizing to you." He began to elaborate. "I sensed earlier that there was a...connection...between you and Scratch. I am fairly good at detecting these things, *especially* in one of my closest friends. I *did* want to kiss you, but another part of me just wanted to see if you felt the same way about him." Hitomi's eyes widened in comprehension. For some bizarre reason, she wasn't mad in the slightest. Instead, she felt kind of please, because this meant that Scratch felt *something* for her, despite his recent efforts to be cold to her.

"All right then, Freud. How do I feel?" she asked, tone without rancour.

He shrugged. "You're a teen. You're confused and hormonal."

Hitomi snorted, but Van continued, ignoring her obvious amusement. "It's made even worse by your..." he waved his hand around, gesturing to their surroundings, "...*situation*. But through that I can see that you care deeply for him. And I'm glad. Scratch doesn't need another wishy-washy person in his life who will abandon him. I know that it's a lot of responsibility to put on a person as young as you are, but I sincerely feel that you would not do this, not under any circumstance. I hope so anyways."

Hitomi smiled, relieved. As they turned back to the building where the others were just beginning to wake, she began to speak.

"I do. I mean...I want to be...something to Scratch. A big something. It's just so *hard* to get passed his barriers." She looked up at Van, and his whole expression seemed expectant. "I'm going to tell you how the land lies right now, if only because you want the best for him," said Hitomi seriously. "I also feel like I can trust you." Van nodded, comprehendingly. "He opened up to me *once* so far, and that happened only a few days ago. He's just *beginning* to trust me. He's told me about his childhood experiences with his father. He was *so* sure that I would turn my back on him once I knew the truth. He assumed that I would find him disgusting. He looked so...*defeated*. It was so heartbreaking, especially since Scratch is such a strong, detached guy. Of course, I immediately put all such ideas out of his head. I told him that I would never hate him for something like that. And...he looked at me like I was his whole world. In that one instant, I was all that mattered to him. I don't know why I feel the way I do for him. Firstly, I generally have *no* interest in dating whatsoever, and secondly, he's the exact opposite of me, not to mention the people that I get along with well. He's cold and distant...and cruel. But none of that seems to matter when I am around him. My heart starts to pound so loudly that I'm *sure* the rest of the world can here it, and my stomach starts to do acrobatics." Hitomi grinned, wryly. "I probably just sound like some lust driven teen to you."

Van shook his head. "Not at all, Hitomi." The building was now in sight. Van turned and grabbed her arm gently. "Look, Hitomi, I want you to keep in touch with me after I leave. Absolutely *anything* that you want to get off your chest, you can trust me. I know what it's like to have something inside, and you can't tell Jan, or Scratch or Lena, because they just wouldn't *understand*. They'd just shrug and say you're crazy. But if there is something that you never want to be judged for, something so strange that you don't understand and could never tell anyone here, you can tell me. Chances are, I'll understand better than you'd expect."

Hitomi looked at him, eyes wide. Something in his tone struck her. It was like he *knew* about the dream that she had seen the night before. Suddenly, it struck her. The boy in the dream, Van, they were the same person! But how? *Why*? Why on earth did she have a dream about meeting him as a child? She had only met him a couple of days ago. Hitomi shook her dead to clear away these thoughts for later. Then she smiled at him.

"I'd love that."


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Marly grinned, her face a mask of malicious triumph, as she watched Hitomi begin to respond to Van's kiss. From the bush where she was hidden, she could see them clearly. This was too perfect for words. Van, Scratch's *best* friends in the world, was kissing Hitomi. *And* she was responding! Maybe if he knew, he wouldn't be so eager to share things with that bitch. He would stop looking at her out of the corner of his eye, treating her like she was some sort of personal goddess or saviour.

Marly tore her gaze from the scene in front of her, just missing seeing that Hitomi was pushing him away, her face almost in tears. She never saw that. All she knew was that Hitomi was a traitorous bitch. She ran back to the building. She couldn't wait to tell Scratch the *truth* about his precious Hitomi. She began to giggle at the thought, glee spreading through all of her features.


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