I know it's been a year, but I got this idea and couldn't resist…
WAL-MART EMPLOYEE APPLICATIONS
Application of employment: Wal-Mart enterprises
Name: Emmett Cullen
Age: 19
Sex: yes :)
Position Desired: Owner and/or CEO. Also that one guy who controls all the money
Salary Desired: 100K plus
Minimum hours: Zero a week
Maximum hours: Maybe an hour or so, as long as it doesn't interfere with my golf game or sex life
Availability: Monday and Wednesday from 3pm to 6pm
How will you benefit the Wal-mart team? I am a strong willed, extremely handsome individual with more talents than everyone else and also dashing good looks. I will attract multiple female customers thus benefitting the Wal-mart enterprise.
Do you prefer jobs with a set schedule or where it is always changing? Well, as an owner I believe I will need to be ready for anything, and besides, as an owner wouldn't I make the schedule anyway?
References: Jasper Hale- He worked UNDER me at Target when I was the CEO guy. We had a great time, email him at: this is a real email account aol . com
Also don't contact Edward Cullen for references. He's gay and an ex bathroom cleaner at Target. He was fired because he's a creepy stalker who was sexually harassing me. :(
Thank you for applying at Wal-Mart. You're welcome
Application of employment: Wal-Mart enterprises
Name: Major Jasper Hale
Age: 20
Sex: I wouldn't sleep with anyone to get this job, if that's what you are implying.
Position Desired: OK, now this is just sick.
Salary Desired: Whatever you think is fair. I use to be a major and made 20 dollars a year. I was the youngest Major in history.
Minimum hours: 168/week
Maximum hours: 168/week
Availability: Monday through Sunday from 12:00 a.m. to 11:59 p.m.
What is your greatest strength? Well I'm told I'm a people person. I have this sort of charisma that makes people want to do whatever I feel. My brothers may be stronger and faster (No, this is not a sexual reference), but I can sit alone in a corner and still make you feel jealous. Also I'm a quick thinker and love to plan ahead so I can make the schedules if you were ever to promote me onto the top (again not a sexual reference).
Do you have a criminal record or have you ever been in any trouble with the law? If so please explain. Well it's sort of a long story… You see I was playing this game that Alice found and there was an incident and Wal-mart, I mean Target sort of sued me. As a punishment for being sued (Wal-mart, I mean Target, lost by the way) my father Carlisle said that we should all have to apply and see what we put the poor workers through.
References: Emmett Cullen- he was my co-owner at Target. We were a great team.
Thank you for applying at Wal-mart
Application of Employment: Wal-mart Enterprises
Name: Rosalie Hale
Age: 19
Sex: You wish
Position desired: Above you
Salary desired: yes
Minimum hours: none
Maximum hours: a few
Availability: You wish
Do you work well with people: It depends, I don't like people who whine, or are annoying, or ugly, or ones with freckles (Those are not angel kisses, trust me) or people who smell, or really short, oh and ones with self esteem problems, PEOPLE WHO NEVER EVER GROW UP, or try and argue with me, or random people that I dislike. SO yeah, I like people, what can I say, I'm a people person.
What do you consider the difference between a major and a minor disaster? Oh, that one is easy. A minor disaster happens to someone else, a major disaster happens to me.
References: That one random guy at the quick mart who faints when I walk in and that teacher who didn't make me do any work and gave me an A anyway. Actually all my male teachers would work. ;-)
Thank you for applying at Wal-mart
Application of Employment: Wal-mart Enterprises
Name: Edward Cullen
Age: 17
Sex: Male, oh screw this crap
Position desired: no
Salary desired: no
Minimum hours: no
Maximum hours: no
Availability: no
Do you consider your self a positive person, what are your most valuable traits? no
Do you believe you will be a good asset to the Wal-mart team? no
References: no
Thank you for applying at Wal-mart
Application of Employment: Wal-mart Enterprises
Name: Bella Swan
Age: 18
Sex: Female
Position desired: manager, or whatever is available
Salary desired: $10 plus/hour
Minimum hours: 10/week
Maximum hours: 30/week
Availability: Um, am I liable to answer this question?
Why are you applying at Wal-mart? Long story, don't need to explain now…
How would you handle customers who are wrong? Isn't the customer always right? But, don't worry, I have experience arguing with people who won't let the little things go…
References: Angela Weber- very sweet and honest.
Thank you for applying at Wal-mart
Application of Employment: Wal-mart enterprises
Name: Alice Cullen
Age: 18
Sex: I'm amazing in bed
Position desired: Fashion consultant. Those blue shirts need to be shredded into little pieces and everyone needs to say it with me. Ready, accessories!
Salary desired: maximum
Minimum hours: zero
Maximum hours: ten maybe, I'm not sure
Availability: I'm married
What's your favorite thing about large chain stores such as Wal-mart? If you buy everything in one store you can just go to the next one.
Would you be comfortable firing an employee? Yes, I believe I'm a chief not an Indian. I could totally fire someone. I'm the Tiffany in the Tiffany & Co.
References: Ralph Lauren, yes, the Ralph Lauren. I met him after an incident in his store. We are actually close personal friends now.
Thank you for applying at Wal-mart
I hope you enjoyed this one last chapter. If you are interested, I started a blog at: http:/ frogblog10 (dot) blogspot (dot) com, it is, of course, humor. I would love it if you guys checked it out and followed me. :)
P.S. – thanks to anyone who read this story, it was really fun to write and helped me a lot as a writer. I am currently writing my own stories, and will sometimes post experts on my blog, if you want to check them out. Thank you.