Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter characters, settings, books, Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, etc. I do admit to twisting the plotline for my own amusement.

Slythering To Victory

Background: Harry was Sorted into Slytherin. So was Ginny. Ginny and Luna are his only friends, though over the years most of the Slytherins have learned to leave him and Ginny alone for fear of the Bat-Bogey Hex and mostly ignore them now. Also, there are no horcruxes in this AU (the Diary was just a really Dark enchantment).

The Announcement:

"Harry Potter."

Said Slytherin stared aghast at the Headmaster. So did most of the school and the representatives from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons.

Feeling like he was walking towards Death, Harry slowly stood and moved towards the antechamber where the other three Champions had gathered. Ginny shot him a look of sympathy, and from across the room he could see Luna at the Ravenclaw table giving him one of her rare focused looks.

It really wasn't that comforting.

xXxXxXx

"He cannot compete! Eet eez an outrage!" The French Headmistress stated loudly, while Harry was desperately trying to remember everyone's names.

"Yes I agree!" he said quickly. The interruption afforded him a respite from the yelling and he quickly used it to his advantage. "I don't want to compete at all. I swear I didn't enter my name. So really Headmaster Dumbledore, can't I go back to dinner and we'll call it a mistake?"

"I'm afraid not my boy." Dumbledore said firmly, the annoying twinkle absent from his eyes. "Your name came out of the Goblet of Fire, and this constitutes a binding magical contract. You must compete."

"Or what? I lose my magic? I Die?"

"You lose your magic."

"Better than my life. I'll go pack." Harry wheeled about and marched out the door. Everyone was too shocked to stop him.

There were several minutes of pandemonium.

Eventually Dumbledore got everyone to settle down. "I'll talk to Harry. He has until the First Task after all, if he doesn't compete in it the contract will bind his magic, but I'm sure I can bring him out of his rather drastic… er, snit. I'm sure its just nerves."

"Headmaster" Cedric Diggory spoke up, "are you sure about that? I mean, he's been talking about all the deaths and crippling injuries of previous Tournaments where everyone can hear him, and I've heard him telling that blonde Ravenclaw friend of his he was looking forward to a quiet year. I think he may actually be serious about not competing." Fleur and Krum both nodded. Harry had been rather vocal.

"Not to worry my boy," Dumbledore said with forced cheerfulness, "I'll talk to him." And that was apparently the end of the discussion.

xXxXxXx

Rita Skeeter quickly learned not to manhandle the Boy Who Lived. She was now stuck in a broom closet and the boy she had attempted to drag in with her was on the wrong side of the door! Worse, she couldn't use her beetle animagus form to escape through the crack as it would alert people to her illegal means of gossip gathering.

The rest of those present at the Weighing of the Wands were quite content to let her stew for the rest of the ceremony and picture-taking. Besides, it wasn't as if the door was locked. Though the thin silvery sticky stuff Harry called "duct tape" that he'd conjured and stuck across the doors seemed to be holding pretty well.

The First Task:

Eventually the Headmaster had indeed talked Harry into competing, reminding him he didn't need to actually "go for the win" just compete enough not to lose his magic. Harry eventually gave in mostly because the near-constant meetings with the Headmaster were giving him a headache.

Now, as he stared at the miniature dragon in his hand, he was reconsidering.

Unfortunately whoever had been before him just finished (he really hadn't been paying attention ever since the first animated miniature came out of the bag and his stomach hit the floor at mach 5) and he was being pushed out of the tent.

The life-sized Hungarian Horntail was infinitely worse.

Giving a strangled sound Harry dived for the nearest cover – back into the tent.

The dragon, having seen him, charged roaring and spurting flame. The dragon handlers had to come out at a run and subdue it before it burned down the tent with Harry, Madame Pomfrey, Rita Skeeter, and Skeeter's camera man inside.

Afterwards they refused to hand him the golden egg or give him any points on the grounds that he hadn't beaten the dragon (which amused Luna, who later pointed out that the stated task had been to get past the dragon and retrieve the golden egg, not actually beat it, and Ginny added that technically he'd gotten the dragon handlers to do that for him). Though since he'd stepped out in front of it the "magical binding contract" was satisfied that he was competing and hadn't bound his magic.

Harry considered his continued survival proof of his personal "winning" status despite being in last place.

The Yule Ball:

Harry hated the spotlight. He really did. He also hated dancing. And getting dressed up in fancy robes which only looked more like a dress than usual.

Ginny was going with Neville Longbottom from Gryffindor. Bound to piss off Slytherins and Gryffindors alike, that match. Good for her!

Luna was "scouting" as she called it. It was amazing what people would discuss in front of a "Looney." Hopefully by the end of the evening she'd have gotten the details of whatever clue was in the golden egg, just by listening in to the first through third year girls from Hufflepuff (Diggory's House), Ravenclaw (Diggory's girlfriend's House), and Beauxbatons, gathered in the Hufflepuff common room for their own party. Girls could be such gossips.

In the meantime, Harry was escorting a rather giggly Moaning Myrtle to the Ball. He couldn't wait to see everyone's faces.

The Second Task:

Harry stared out across the lake. Somewhere underneath there was Ginny. And there were still slivers of ice floating on top. Lovely.

A whistle blew. There were three splashes. Then there was a bunch of expectant stares directed at him. He turned and stared blankly back.

"I can't swim."

The expectant stares turned aghast as Harry Potter strode back towards the castle.

Less than ten minutes later he was back, trailing an angry red-faced red-haired Weasley Matriarch (still a bit sooty from the Floo) with a smirk.

"ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE! HOW DARE YOU USE MY BABY GIRL IN SUCH A VIOLENT AND DANGEROUS TOURNAMENT! WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! WITHOUT TELLING ME! SHE COULD BE DROWNED!"

"Now Molly, she's perfectly safe –"

"POPPYCOCK! THAT'S NOT WHAT THE BLASTED EGG RIDDLE SAID! I WANT HER OUT OF THERE! NOW DUMBLEDORE, DO YOU HEAR ME? NOW!!!"

And Harry's hostage was rescued in less than half the time given, well before any of the others'.

They didn't award him any points, stating that he hadn't even tried.

Later, Snape gave him a smirk and awarded 100 House points for "an understated win via Slytherin tactics, and allowing me the enjoyment of watching Dumbledore put in his place by a rampaging Molly Weasley."

The Third Task:

Harry had two things going for him. One, he was quite good at Defense and Creatures, which certainly helped get him through this maze. Two, he'd always had a high percentage of good luck especially when his life was on the line.

Speaking of which, this bloody Tournament seemed designed to kill him. He was going to return the favor and kill whoever the bloody hell entered his name! They were probably out to kill him anyway, he could plead self-defense….

Fleur and Krum were out by this time, the French girl victim of the crucatius curse and the Bulgarian a victim of imperious, and had oh-so-nobly chosen to remove himself so he wasn't compelled to crucio someone else.

Harry rounded a corner to see the Cup, Cedric halfway to it, and an acromantula creeping up behind the Hufflepuff.

"Diggory! Get down! Bombardia!"

Sometimes he had Gryffindorish tendencies.

It took a couple minutes, but the two were able to knock the giant venomous spider unconscious.

Then Diggory stopped to argue with Harry over who got the Cup.

"Look," Harry finally said, "I'm in last place. Hell, I've got no points at all! And yet if I take this Cup I win the Tournament? That's bull! Besides I'm not here to win, I'm here to survive. Just take the bloody thing so I can get out of here!"

"But if you hadn't seen the acromantula –"

"Are you going to keep that up? Fine, we'll take it together. It'll still be a Hogwarts win…. On the second thought, somebody entered my name and I can't shake the feeling they wanted me to get killed. What if the Cup's a trap?"

"Isn't that a little paranoid Harry?" Cedric looked skeptical.

"It isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you. Tell you what, help me levitate that spider."

"Why?"

"You've heard of portkeys right? No better way to check than send an angry acromantula through. If it doesn't disappear we can stun it again and take the Cup together. If it does then whoever's on the other end'll get a nasty surprise. Just humor me, okay?"

Cedric shrugged bemusedly and levitated the twitching spider. Harry enervated it and prepared to blast it back should it not be portkeyed away. Cedric maneuvered the angry thrashing acromantula over the Cup and dropped it.

Cup and spider disappeared.

Harry and Cedric stood there stunned, gaping.

"Well I'll be damned…."

Glancing at each other, they raised their wands and shot simultaneous sparks into the air. The giant hedge walls came down revealing the two to a screaming crowd.

The Tournament had never ended in such dramatic loss before – for the first time all contestants had forfeited.

The Aftershocks:

Cedric was declared winner by default, having had the most points. He invested half the prize money in Fred and George's "Weasley Wizarding Wheezes" just for kicks.

Crouch Jr's polyjuice wore off in the middle of the crowd where he was promptly stunned and taken in by aurors for questioning. Karkaroff and Crouch Sr disappeared.

Snape noted that his Dark Mark had faded completely, and wondered just what the hell had happened since it had been getting darker for months.

The freshly dead – and poisoned – body of Peter Pettigrew was found the next morning when aurors traced the Cup portkey to a graveyard in Little Hangleton. Of course this meant they couldn't question him about anything. The acromantula was also dead, apparently from food poisoning. Aurors speculated it had eaten whatever had been inside the cauldron found set up, probably for a very dark ritual which apparently included a baby since remains of one were inside the acromantula. At least it was the right size for a baby, though that could have been because it was partly digested and very chewed up.

Amelia Bones, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, put out a statement that since Pettigrew obviously had not been killed by Sirius Black 13 years ago they were now investigating what else had been wrong about Black. Unfortunately for her investigation it turned out he hadn't been given a trial... but a week later she found a large black dog in her office who turned into Sirius Black then turned himself in. She immediately gave him veritisserum. After being thoroughly questioned he was released and his innocence was printed in the morning paper. He immediately set about taking custody of his godson.

When questioned about how Harry felt at finishing in utterly last place, he stated: "I survived. That's winning enough for me."

After all, there were more important things to "win" than a Tournament.

The End