One day out of the blue, Kevin Swanson came back to town. See, he'd gone away on a bus to an out of state college for a few years and was blissfully unaware of any changes that had gone down in Quahog during that time.

Namely, the fact that Meg, once an object of his affections, was now the towns...how shall we say it, Butt Monkey. Pariah. A living joke. Not knowing this, he asked her out in public.

"Oh my God! Kevin, have you gone blind?!" Lois screeched. "I know Meg's my daughter and I'm obligated to love her, but she's an eyesore! Look at how fat and ugly and gross she is!"

"Yeah, really, you sure you'd rather not just become a homosexual? You know, just to have an excuse to stay away from her?" Stewie ventured. Brian flashed him a knowing smirk before joining the fray.

"And she's crazy, man, I defended her once and she ended up trying to rape me in a hotel, seriously," he said."

"You could do soooo much better!" Connie D'amico added, flaunting her irritatingly perfect figure at him. "Like me, for example."

Kevin rolled his eyes and threw an arm around Meg, who looked like she wanted to die of humiliation and self-hatred.

"I'd rather have an awkward pudgy girl with glasses than a blonde anorexic whore who masturbates to Angry Video Game Nerd episodes!" he snapped. Connie gave a scandalized gasp.

"Who told you?!"

"Dad's police cameras. He got bored one night," Kevin said. Peter burst out laughing.

"Oh man...I was all ready to say somethin' nasty about Meg, but jeez! Angry Video Game Nerd, Connie? You might as well masturbate to...y'know, Mort Goldman's pictures or the video games themselves, or something of equal or lesser unsexiness!"

"Oh God, that is the most fucked up thing I ever heard!" Lois howled. "I'm glad Meg's my daughter after all, even if she's not pretty at least her sexual fetishes are normal!"

"The Angry Video Game Nerd's obsessed with poop!" Chris laughed. "Maybe Connie's that way too!"

"We already know she's a pedophile," Stewie said. "Maybe she got angry because I didn't crap on her while we were making out!"

"Hahahaha, maybe she'd like to roll around in Mayor West's yard where I've been-uh, I mean, where other dogs do their business!" Brian said, almost giving away the fact that he hadn't been using the toilet like he told Lois.

"What? You mean...my sausage seeds haven't been growing at all?" Mayor West narrowed his eyes. "It must be the fault of those other dogs!"

Connie was in tears now as the people's ridicule was redirected at her. In all her years she never imagined humiliation could feel this bad...even the time Brian laid into her at the prom hadn't stung this badly. Suddenly, she began to regret ever having targetted Meg in the first place.

Almost.

"Fuck you, Meg!" she screamed. "I'm going to turn the tables back on you somehow...did everyone know that Meg wears granny panties?"

"Oh no you don't, Connie. No one cares about my fat girl underwear anymore!" Meg taunted. "So tell me, when you're fantasizing about the Nerd, does he talk about buffalo diarrhea dumps as he's nailing you? Does it get you hot?"

"Stop it! Kevin, this is your fault! If you hadn't come back to town Meg would still be the Butt Monkey my secret would remain a secret!" Connie wailed. "And come on, the Nerd is almost exactly like Peter Griffin and you people don't give Lois any crap!"

Lois grabbed Connie by the collar and lifted her off the ground.

"Don't you ever compare my idiot husband to some internet loser again, bitch, or I'll get Quagmire to rape you again!"

"Hey, you could get me to do it anyway! Aw-right!"

Despite everything, Meg couldn't help feeling a little sorry for Connie. No one deserved to be an object of ridicule and besides, the Angry Video Game Nerd wasn't that bad.

Then again, she had been tormenting Meg all throughout high school, so it was only fair.

And besides, the Nostalgia Critic was hotter anyway.

Smiling, she took Kevin's hand and they walked off into the sunset as the insanity continued behind them.

"So...what else have I missed in the past few years?" Kevin asked.

"Oh, where do I begin," Meg laughed. "Well, there was the time my dad bought a tank and it ended up destroying Superstore USA..."

Disclaimer: The events of this story are 100% not canon and not likely to ever be canon. No Nerds or Critics were harmed during the writing of this fic. Character bashing in fics is bad writing. Mayor West is a nutjob.