Rats!
by Cookie Heist

Summary: When Vincent is ordered by an irritated Hojo to reset the rat traps in the basement of the Shinra Manor, he learns that, for Lucrecia, science always comes first.
Genre: General/Humor
Rating: PG
Warnings: Mild violence, some poorly-written innuendo.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII or any of its characters.

Notes: I was "inspired" to write this fic almost a year ago after watching Ratatouille. Took me long enough to finish it.

Lucrecia jotted down a few notes, then lifted the last white rat off of the electronic balance and replaced it in its cage. "Seems to be maintaining a healthy weight… Good. All right then." After a final glance over the content of a page, she snapped her notebook shut and then peeled off her latex gloves, depositing them in a nearby wastebasket.

She glanced over at her bodyguard, who was leaning against the wall across from her. "That's it for now. Vincent, do you want to get lunch?"

He shrugged noncommittally, following her up the stairs. "It's warm outside."

"Oh? Shall we have another picnic?" Lucrecia's voice took on a playful quality. "Under our tree?"

Vincent smiled crookedly. "If you're up to it."

She smiled that pretty, faux-innocent smile back at him. "I'd be more worried about you. You do so much for me. Not that I mind, though."

He laughed. "I think I can handle it."

"I'll be right back." She left him standing in the hallway.

More often than not, these excursions were just excuses to leave the Shinra Manor for a while. Once Vincent and Lucrecia were away from prying eyes, the picnic basket and packed lunches were often forgotten. Neither of them worried too much about missing a meal, though. They had other appetites to satisfy.

"Do you need something to do, boy?"

Vincent was jolted out of his imagination just when it was beginning to get interesting. He spun around to face the source of the caustic voice behind him. "I'm getting lunch."

"Liar," Hojo spat. "I don't know what you Turks are taught, but I have no tolerance for idling. I don't allow my lab assistants to stand around doing nothing, and since Shinra Manufacturing has so generously left you in my hands, I will expect the same level of commitment from you. If being Doctor Crescent's professional shadow is not enough of a responsibility for you, I can supply you with plenty of chores to keep you from getting bored."

"Like I said, Professor," Vincent tried to retain a respectful tone, despite his rising level of hatred for this man. "I was going to lunch."

"Someone along the way must have neglected to teach you proper grammar. 'Going' implies action, something you are clearly lacking. Since you are not too busy at the moment, the rat traps in the basement need resetting. You can use cheese as bait. I trust you know where to find it. Well, what are you waiting for? Get to it, boy."

And so Vincent Valentine found himself back in the Shinra Manor's poorly-lit basement, a wedge of cheese in one hand, feeling uncharacteristically spiteful. He could be enjoying the fresh mountain air and Lucrecia's company, but instead he was here in this crypt of a basement, putting hunks of cheese inside of metal cages and resetting the springs that triggered the door's shutting when the rats went for the bait.

Why did Hojo use live rat traps, instead of the kind that snapped up and killed the little pests right away? He knew Hojo wasn't trying to be humane. Kindness wasn't in that man's nature. So why not skip the extra step of trying to find some other creative way to kill the rats once they were in the traps?

Vincent crouched down beside the next trap, placing a piece of cheese at the back of the cage. It occurred to him that Hojo had never mentioned how many traps he was to reset. This was obviously intentional. Vincent could be kept out of the way all afternoon just checking to see if he'd found all of the traps.

Oh, he was the world's worst bodyguard. It annoyed him that Hojo sought to continually prevent him from doing his job. But what could he do? He had to maintain the delicate balance. Lucrecia didn't like it when he expressed his dislike for Hojo, and he was willing to keep his anger in check if it made her happy. He'd feel worse about the whole "world's worst bodyguard" thing if Lucrecia were actually in real danger. He'd been in Nibelheim long enough to figure out what the two scientists had known all along: there really was nothing dangerous. His assignment here was nothing more than pointless Shinra bureaucracy.

Vincent gradually became aware of a rustling sound coming from behind a stack of wooden crates to his left. A rat… a big one. It rounded the corner and he glimpsed a set of glowing blue eyes in the darkness, moving straight towards him.

He turned a backwards somersault to get out of its way, drawing his gun. It scrabbled towards him, a hissing mass of gray and green.

With practiced calm, Vincent pulled the trigger. The monster fell to the floor, the bullet lodged in the side of its head.

The young Turk replaced his gun in its holster and stepped forward to examine his kill. It was larger than a house cat, but it looked like it had once been a rat. Its long, naked tail had patches of green scales, and its fur appeared to be falling out in places to make room for similar disturbing protrusions of bone and scale. Its dead eyes were a fluorescent blue that did not occur in nature, and saliva dribbled out of the corner of its mouth.

Vincent heard the clicking of high heels behind him and Lucrecia's voice: "I heard a gunshot…"

Hojo pushed past her, took one look at the crusty red hole in the head of the mutated rat, and rounded on Vincent.

"What do you think you're doing, boy? That was a valuable specimen!"

"Why was it running around loose?" Vincent demanded. "It could have attacked someone!"

Lucrecia narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you scared of a rat?"

"Of course not. It's a monster. I was trying to protect…" He was telling the truth. He'd faced much more frightening things on his regular Turk assignments. He was trained to remain calm, to always be prepared to kill.

"Just what kind of bodyguard are you?" Hojo sneered.

Lucrecia turned to Hojo. "How will this interference affect the results of your experiment?"

"It's difficult to say. If none of the specimens survive the modifications, it can't possibly be considered a success."

The two scientists began discussing what to do with the dead rat lying at their feet.

"There's no heartbeat."

"An infusion of phoenix down will fix that."

"It will have to be moved."

"Carefully… But it will be seriously compromised. Even mako-enhanced rats can't survive with half of their brains blown to smithereens."

"I wonder if I may… The negative lifestream I've been studying… It has remarkable powers of regeneration. Perhaps the specimen could be restored after all."

"Well, it's of no use to me now."

Lucrecia nodded and scooped up the rat corpse in her arms.

"Can I help--"

"Move, Vincent." She pushed past him impatiently.

And her Turk bodyguard saw, over the next several days, Lucrecia's varied attempts to defy the laws of nature and raise the dead.

Her experiments were not a success. When met with Lucrecia's negative lifestream, the rat's weak body did not react as she had hypothesized.

She sighed, wrapping its twisted and burned-out remains in plastic, to be frozen in storage should they need to be referenced in future studies.

Vincent sighed too. There would be no more picnics for a while, and he still wasn't sure what he'd done.