Radar winced as he sat down at his desk. He fought down his pain and tried to focus on his paperwork. It was all because of those stupid new latrines. The old ones had been blown up a week ago by the enemy. When they went up so had their custom order toilet seats. Radar had fixed it so they could get new ones but it was going to take another week. In the mean time Zale had carved a few replacements out of scrap wood. The results had not been pleasant, but people were holding up. The enlisted and nurses helped each other out in their tents, but Radar didn't bunk with anyone. And as much as he looked up to the Doctors here he knew Hawkeye was going to laugh at him.

But as he shifted on his chair and let out a yelp of pain he realized he was out of options. He already had 5 days worth of injury, he was even sure at least on was infected. Radar got up and hobbled over to the Swamp. He breathed a sigh of relief to see only one figure inside. He knocked and was even more relieved when a familiar voice hollered, "Yo."

Radar waddled inside, trying to look normal but wincing when the door tapped his behind as it closed. Hawkeye didn't see any of this though because he was looking at one of his nudest magazines, "Sir?"

"Just a second Radar. I'm reading an article on the ultimate full body tan." Hawkeye replied

Radar shuffled, trying to find a more comfortable position and failing, "Please sir, it's real important."

Hawkeye must have heard something in Radar's voice because he put down his magazine and focused, "What's wrong Radar?"

"Well, Sir, it's to do with my...well ya see..." Radar was really red now

"Spit it out Radar."

"It's my behind sir. That is, the back of me." Radar said quickly, "Zale's new latrine seats aren't made to good and..."

Hawkeye smirked as Radar trailed off, "You got bit by wooden teeth like the rest of us right?"

"Yes sir." Radar mumbled, "Except you guys always have friends to help get that stuff out. But I bunk alone so I've been just leaving it."

"Radar, are you insane?" Hawkeye snapped as he got to his feet and took Radar by the arm. As he frogmarched Radar toward the hospital building he said, "Those latrines are filled with germs. Letting something that came out of there stay in your body is suicide. You could catch any number of things or get an infection."

As they entered the building they ran into Trapper coming out, "Hey Hawk, Radar. Something wrong?"

Hawkeye explained the situation as he led the group into one of the private treatment rooms. By the time they got there Trapper had started in on Radar, "Where did we go wrong?" he asked Hawkeye, "We gave him all the lectures."

"He's seen all the films." Hawkeye added

"And yet he went out and got himself mixed up with the first latrine he sees." Trapper slapped Radar's shoulder

"Now cut that out." Radar said as he shifted away from Trapper's hand, "This is serious. I can't sit at my desk and do my morning reports. If I don't do them soon the mail'll leave without them."

"Alright, calm down, don't blow your tiny top." Hawkeye said, "Drop your pants and bend over the table."

"I know you're an officer but you could at least say please sir." Radar grumbled as he fumbled with the belt of his pants with embarrassment. He heard a shocked hiss as he leaned over and went stiff, "What? Whats wrong?"

"Radar, why didn't you have anyone take care of this? You've got 3 infected splinters and more slivers then you can shake a wooden toilet seat at." Hawkeye asked as he began to work on the swollen red behind

"Well, it's real personal." Radar argued as Trapper came to stand where Radar could see the concerned look directed at him, "And I don't have anyone I'm close to enough to ask."

"Are you kidding?" Trapper asked, looking insulted at the insinuation, "What does that make us? Army Surplus?"

"But you Sirs are Sirs, Sirs." Radar said with slight shock, "Major Burns told me last week that Officers and Enlisted can't be friends. Said it was against regulations or something."

"Ha, you should know better then to listen to Major Bull." Hawkeye said, "Radar, you and Trapper are my best friends. Nothing, not even some made up regulation, could stop that. Me and Trap depend on you for our sanity. Without you this place would be buried in paperwork. The least we could do for you is make sure you aren't in pain or get sick from infection." Hawkeye gave Radar's back a pat, "Now, try and relax. This is going to sting a little."