Chapter 7: "Asparagus and Beer"

With the prison in sight, Alice unexpectedly shot forward as if out of a cannon. She landed right next to the prison door and yanked it open for me. The entire backside of her dress was missing and her panties were scorched black. She was soaking wet. "Mad Andy must have used another jack bomb boost in a speed run. I hate that guy. Always blowing me up. And somebody else drowned me. Man, does life as a video game character suck. Why couldn't I have been the anonymous traveler in Myst? Straight down the corridor. We'll duck into American McGee's cell."

We left the door conveniently open for the zombie hordes, and, as expected, they ran right past us, trampling everything in front of them. They did a good job of clearing all of the prison guards out of the main corridor, but none of them had enough brain power to turn into the two side corridors. "Give me your panties!" screeched Alice. She then took off her own panties and ran out into the main corridor. "Looky here, assholes! See! Panties! Whee!" Alice tossed one pair of panties into the left corridor and another into the right corridor and then ran back down the main corridor and side-jumped into the cell with American McGee and me. The zombie hordes raced after the tossed panties. Well, the male zombies, anyway. Apparently the female zombies still had a few brain cells. They stayed at the end of the corridor.

Alice peeked out of the cell and noted all the female zombies at the end of the main corridor. "Damn!" she said. "We've got to clear the female zombies out of there to get to the portals. Alice pulled a bar of chocolate out of an apron pocket and stepped back out into the hallway. "Yoo-hoo! Hey all you skinny bitches! Look! Chocolate!" I peeked around the door and saw Alice toss the chocolate bar down the right-side corridor. The female zombies looked unimpressed. One looked straight at Alice and said, "Fattening." Alice stomped back into American's cell.

"This is ridiculous! All the zombies in the world and I get a bunch of anorexic bitches with eating disorders! Whoever heard of zombies with eating disorders?" I suggested that female Weather Channel (registered trademark) zombies might be figure conscious because they have to stand in front of a TV camera sideways. We heard a loud disturbance in the right-side corridor. Alice took a peek and discovered that the male zombies were fighting over the chocolate bar. Well, they were trying to fight over the chocolate bar. None of them had figured out how to turn around yet.

Alice came back and scratched her head. "I can't use most of my weapons without risking damage to the portals behind the door. Maybe I can try dropping my jacks up close to the bitches." Alice sauntered up to within five feet of the female zombies, tossed her jacks, and then ran back to our cell. We peeked around the corner and saw that the jacks had no real effect. Alice started to look at American sprawled out snoring on his bunk with a copy of "Naked Video Game Babes" in his lap. The centerfold was Princess Peach. She poked him.

"We're going to need asshole here," announced Alice. American was still woozy from being "worked over" by Lara Croft and didn't look like he'd be of much use to anybody. "American, yoo-hoo, asshole!" cooed Alice in American's face. "Want some asparagus and beer?" American snapped out of his haze as if somebody had flipped on a switch. By this time the back of Alice's dress had grown back. There was no trace of the jackbomb boost. I wondered if Alice also had a new pair of panties. I decided that it would be unwise to lift her dress to check.

"Asparagus and beer?" queried American. Suddenly he looked deliriously happy -- like a teen-aged boy who had just been "worked over" by Lara and her flotation devices. "He loves asparagus and beer," said Alice. "They're his secret weapon. He can clear away anybody from anything once he's had asparagus and beer."

"And just how does this work?" I asked. "Is asparagus and beer for him sort of like spinach for Popeye?"

"Sort of," said Alice, "but in a very different way." Alice put a heavy emphasis on the word "different" which left me with a sense of foreboding. "I'll be right back. Just a quick trip to the kitchen in the left side corridor. The male zombies don't have enough brain power to turn around."

Alice was gone for about four minutes, and returned with two armfuls of six-packs of Australian beer. "Drink up! Asshole! I'll be right back with your favorite sauteed asparagus." I didn't realize the significance of the beer and asparagus combination right then. American pranced around the cell. "Aparagus and beer! Asparagus and beer! I'm gonna get me some aparagus and beer!" I couldn't help staring. I wondered if making "Bad Day LA" had permanently fried his brains.

Five long minutes later Alice returned with the sauteed asparagus. She held it up as if feeding a seal and tossed it. American scampered around the cell catching every toss of the asparagus. I tried to look the other way. The relationship between these two was just too weird.

After the asparagus was gone, American stood up, thumped his chest like a gorilla, and tucked the remaining ammo -- the six-packs of Australian beer -- under his arm. "Okay, I'm ready! Who do I have to chase out?"

"You see those female zombies at the end of the corridor? Get rid of 'em!" American looked at the female zombies and unzipped. Out it came. His weapon. His corridor clearer. I screamed. I couldn't help it. I hadn't seen one like that since I watched that porno Alice movie with the Mad Hatter as a flasher.

American stepped into the hall, gripped his spray nozzle, and guzzled another six-pack. He advanced on the crowd of female zombies continuously spraying green mist in all directions while guzzling one six-pack after another. The stench was horrific. Now I know where he got the idea for Grimm. The female zombies steadily dropped to the floor as the green mist enveloped them. Alice and I hung back waiting for the mist to clear as we moved forward toward the door to the portals. The green mist congealed on the floor and walls and looked like seaweed. Beer cans littered the hallway. I wondered if this guy had ever managed to hit the toilet even once in his life. Maybe he used the bathtub.

"It's the aparagus and beer combination," said Alice. "It turns urine, or at least American's urine, into a thick, green, smelly liquid. Keep quiet about this. Can you imagine what the Pentagon would want to do with him if they knew about this?"

"I thought you hated him. Why would you care?" I asked.

"Would you want the Pentagon to get ahold of that stuff to spray-bomb valleys with?" said Alice. She was entirely serious. "His kidneys are a deadly weapon. Some general would stuff him full of asparagus and then strap him to the bottom of a crop duster with a beer helmet on his head!"

It was all over in two minutes. Every last female zombie had collapsed to the floor, twitching, choking, and coughing. The way to the portals was clear. I was about to go home.

I should have kept my mouth shut. Alice set the portal to drop me back in my house. Just before I stepped into the portal to go back, I asked Alice, "Did you know that American has a development team working on a sequel to 'Alice' in Shanghai?" I should have kept my mouth shut.

Alice went crazy. As I stood in front of the portal, Alice began chasing American tossing one jackbomb after another. Right out the door of the prison. I waited a few minutes and could still hear jackbombs going off in the distance every four seconds.

It's good to be home. From now on, it's X-Plane for me. And if you do ever see "Alice 2" in the video game stores, have a little mercy. If you buy it, switch on the notarget via the console. Alice's ass needs the rest. So does American's.

The End

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the rights.

This story is entirely a work a fiction. Any resemblance to characters living, dead, or developing video games is accidental and unintentional. Please don't sue me.

"...all over the road, technicolor, man..." --Loudon Wainwright III