This is actually not my best work, but I've had this for so long, I just want it gone. So whatever. Remember that this is crack, through and through, and also remember that I love both Sasuke and Shikamaru to itty-bitty pieces. Enjoy! Also, please remember that this fic was started ages ago, and then I stopped reading the manga, so I choose to pretend a certain someone is alive and reading. Oh, and this is not Shikamaru x Sasuke. That's kind of bizarre. But I like Minato x Sakura, so I don't judge.

Disclaimer: I own nothing someone else does.

Candyman

This was just plain sad.

There were a lot of holes to fill when Sasuke left; holes he always planned to come back and fill again, whether he wanted to or not. His position of Naruto's best friend, as Kakashi's prized pupil, as Sakura's first love. He was the number one rookie of his generation, the mark of a clan massacred, the younger brother of a thought-to-be criminal, and, most importantly, the biggest heartthrob to hit Konoha's streets since the fourth Hokage. Not exactly his biggest accomplishment, but a mantle he was, if not willing, ready to take up again.

So he returned at some point to Konoha, and he went back to Team Seven Plus Sai. He treated Naruto to ramen in a way he wouldn't notice, and after that, the blond wouldn't let him out of his sight and the two were back to being the best of friends – not that either would ever admit it.

Sakura was easily won over. He only had to hold out one hand to her, and she all but leapt into his arms, blathering on about how much she had missed him and how much she would always love him. He decided to be nice to her, and put his arm around her in what would seem like an absent, half-hearted gesture, but which was really more of a sign. I'm back and she's mine.

Kakashi was a little harder to win over, but the man was hurting and, Sasuke knew, he wanted everything to be okay again, so a sincere little speech from Sasuke, and a grim acceptance of whatever punishment was given to him had his old teacher testifying at his trial on his behalf. Sasuke escaped the death penalty, and Kakashi knew he had the boy forever in his debt.

The changes were minor. Yes, there was another teammate (who Sasuke, naturally, didn't like). Yes, Naruto was stronger, more mature, more battle-weary, more serious to fight. Yes, Sakura was busy, and yes, Kakashi was absent. But even so, Sasuke felt he could adapt. He had always been good at that.

But that was before he realized his status as Most Sought-After Bachelor had been taken, and by the least likely of people.

He could understand – however grudgingly – Neji, or even his dinky little replacement, Sai. Hell, even Kiba would be acceptable.

But never could he have predicted that the fangirls would turn their backs on him – stoic, dark, broody, beautiful – for lazy, cloud-watching, girl-hating, genius-boy, insufferable, intolerant, smoking, bleary-eyed Shikamaru.

It just didn't make sense. But that was what happened.

-x-

He first noticed when he and Naruto dropped by the hospital, looking for Sakura. She had been standing outside a room, flipping through a file, and didn't so much as look up when they approached.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto sang gleefully – euphoric being his default since Sasuke had come home – "Ramen-time!"

"Just a sec…" She glanced up at Sasuke's nearly-silent steps, just behind Naruto, and beamed. "Hi, Sasuke-kun."

"Hi." He stuffed his hands in his pockets, glancing around. He had never much liked hospitals.

"I need to see Shikamaru," she said, nodding at the door in front of her. "Then I can take my lunch break."

"We'll help!" Naruto offered, bouncing on his heels. Sasuke hoped he would run out of energy soon, but he didn't seem to even be getting tired.

Sakura pursed her lips. "Well," she said hesitantly. "If you're sure…" Then she inhaled, long and deep, and slowly opened the door.

The smell hit Sasuke first. It was fresh, floral, and downright disgusting. A peek inside the room confirmed his suspicions. Shikamaru lay on the bed, arms folded behind his head and eyes closed, in full-on relaxation mode, surrounded by dozens of bouquets. Pink flowers, red flowers, yellow, blue, white, purple; tulips and daisies and roses and all the flowers Sasuke had never bothered to learn the name of, scattered over every available surface.

"Whoa," Naruto breathed, seeming to read Sasuke's mind.

Sakura seemed to want to laugh, but she was holding her breath. Sasuke thought she looked like a chipmunk.

"Wake up, you bum," she chirped, dodging floral arrangements to reach Shikamaru's side. He didn't even stir. Sakura poked him in the side – repeatedly, until he blinked his eyes open and grabbed the offending finger.

"You again?" he sighed, finally straining himself enough to sit up.

"Don't sound so sad about it, you'll hurt my feelings," she admonished, pulling the sheets away from him. "How're you feeling?"

"Fine."

Sakura clucked her tongue and pressed a hand to Shikamaru's chest. It glowed faintly for a moment, and she was silent, as Shikamaru glanced over at Sasuke and Naruto, who were still transfixed by the flowers.

"Who're these from?" Naruto wanted to know.

"Some girls," Shikamaru said, waving a hand lazily. Sasuke thumbed through the cards on the flowers.

Get well soon! Kisses, Ino read an enormous bouquet of carnations.

I hope you like these. Hope to see you soon! Shiho was tied to three lilies.

Come down to Ichiraku when you're better – I'll give you a meal on the house! Love, Ayame read a single daisy.

Holy hell.

"You must have a flower from every girl in the village here," Naruto said.

Shikamaru just shrugged in response. Sasuke scowled at the flowers. He hated pretty things. He was so glad that he had woken up to a bare hospital room when he had returned.

No, really.

-x-

Okay, that was a lie. Sasuke was seething, especially when Sakura laughingly informed them of Shikamaru's new "hottie" status.

As if, Sasuke thought acidly, mashing up the noodles in front of him. He was back, wasn't he? Who could possibly out-hottie him?

"Sasuke-kun, stop sulking."

He glowered at Naruto, since he couldn't at Sakura. "I'm not sulking."

"Yes, you are. And stop glaring at Naruto."

"Yeah, what did I do?"

"You existed," Sasuke hissed. Naruto threw a fist at him. Sasuke poked his chopsticks in Naruto's eyes. And that was all it took.

Sakura wiped her mouth calmly. She had missed this.

-x-

"Ah, I'm glad you're back, man," Naruto said, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Hn."

"That's Sasukese for 'I missed you too, be my best friend forever, I wish I could be as handsome as you, Naruto.' Right?"

Sasuke flipped him off.

After being thrown out of Ichiraku, Naruto and Sasuke had gone to their old training grounds to continue their spar – and to get away from Sakura's disapproving stare. She had returned to the hospital, and they had nothing better to do.

"It's weird that Sakura-chan has a job, isn't it? I used to spend most of my time training or on missions, but I felt kind of like a kid around her," Naruto mused. He was lying flat on his back under the shade of a large, leafy tree, staring up at the bright blue sky. "Plus, it's lonely without her."

Sasuke wondered who Naruto had looked to to irritate while he was gone.

"I used to spend time with Sai, mostly. Kiba and Chouji sometimes, or Konohamaru. Sometimes Iruka-sensei. But they're all kind of weird. Plus, Chouji's always with Shikamaru," he added, glancing at Sasuke, sitting beside him. "That guy is such a man-slut."

Sasuke almost smirked, but caught himself just in time to hear Naruto say thoughtfully, "Kinda like you."

Sasuke stared, and Naruto continued: "Why don't I have fangirls? All I had was Sakura-chan. and you stole her. I hate you."

What a loser. "What was that about Shikamaru?"

Naruto blinked, clearly surprised by Sasuke's sudden interest. "Like… the flowers. Everywhere he goes, girls follow him, all giggly and stuff. Like they used to follow you," he said. "Well, except Sakura-chan…"

Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows, tuning out the rest of Naruto's irritating chatter. Shikamaru had fangirls following him? While Sasuke wandered the streets, abandoned and alone? Unacceptable.

It was clear that something had to be done. But what?

-x-

First things first: Information Gathering.

"Sakura," Sasuke said seriously, grasping her by the shoulders on her way into his apartment for dinner, and staring deep into her eyes. Sakura looked startled.

"Yes, Sasuke-kun?"

"I have a question." Sasuke paused thoughtfully, and Sakura watched him, silent. "What made you obsessed with me?"

Sakura burned red at the question. Sasuke waited expectantly, and she cleared her throat. "Um," she said eloquently.

"Yes…?" he prodded.

She averted her gaze and bit her lip. "Well, I—don't judge me for this, alright?"

"Of course not," he said impatiently. "Tell me."

She frowned at him and stepped back, out of his reach. "Well – and this was before I actually knew you, remember – " She cleared her throat. "Well, it was mostly your appearance." Her cheeks were pink with shame. "And… your attitude?" At Sasuke's blank look, she elaborated: "Your way of carrying yourself. You're kind of mysterious and quiet, and confident. You're very… alluring. Until you open your mouth," she added, grinning impishly.

Sasuke shot her a Look, but he was thinking of what she had said. Sakura brushed past him to head for the couch, and he turned to stare after her.

"So… what's attractive about me?"

She looked at him like he was deranged, and Sasuke had difficulty smothering a smug smirk. He had always liked Sakura.

"Try everything," she said, folding her legs underneath her. "You have a good body, nice hair, perfect skin, great cheekbones…" She reddened and mumbled, "I've always liked your eyes."

Sasuke glanced at her. She was the one with the big, bottle-green eyes, framed with thick lashes. Not like he was looking, or anything.

Sakura looked curious. "Why the sudden interest?"

Sasuke just shook his head, and she dropped the subject with a shrug. She hefted a thick medical text from her bag into her lap, and the room was silent but for the rustling of pages, which suited Sasuke just fine. In the quiet, he was free to plot.

And plot he did. All through a silent shared dinner with Sakura, in his living room afterwards, where he stared unseeingly at a mission scroll and ignored Sakura's inquisitive stares, and lying in his bed at night after Sakura had left him with a quiet word of farewell.

And after all his thinking, Sasuke had come to one conclusion: the only way to use his attractiveness to its best potential was to:

(1) Get wet enough so droplets of water crawled down his pale skin to disappear down, down, down and draw maximum attention to everything that lay beneath—

(2) His clothes, which would have to be stripped off – irritably, because his attitude was obviously an asset, and which would allow him to use his—

(3) Smoldering eyes, black eyes that narrowed and burned into girls' souls, along with the boyish charm that would come from his—

(4) Artfully messy hair, which would fall, just barely dripping with water (so as not to ruin the carefully gelled style) into his eyes to soften the annoyance, and someone to spar with when all of this was happening, so he had a reason to—

(5) Flash a superbly hot smirk and—

(6) Show just who the best fighter was, because—

(7) He had it all, dammit!

It couldn't be that hard. He just need to pick out the perfect clothes (black, formfitting but not tight), arrange his hair (spiky, bangs falling into his eyes), practice his smirk (one corner lifting higher than the other, a glint of teeth, devious and confident), and organize the spar – and his audience, though if all went according to plan, the two would go hand in hand.

Because wherever Shikamaru went, Sasuke's (HIS!) fangirls followed, right?

So, the next step, The Unveiling of the Great Body (which, by the way, had only gotten better in his time away) would take place around noon, after a light lunch of tomatoes (to avoid any bloating). He just had to talk to Shikamaru…

Who was (un)surprisingly slow.

Idiot. Sasuke had nothing to worry about.

"You want to spar with me?" Shikamaru echoed.

Sasuke twitched. How was this word-wasting, bumbling moron still more popular than him? What was wrong with the world?

"Yes," he managed to say through gritted teeth, keeping his cool, disaffected demeanor in front of three ex-fangirls. They could barely keep their eyes off Shikamaru long enough to glance his way.

"Sure," Shikamaru finally said, shrugging. He stood, looking pained. "Now?"

"Hn."

"Lead the way."

The tricky part was getting enough people to watch. Fortunately, Sasuke had thought ahead, and ensured that Naruto and Ino were around to hear about the spar.

"You're gonna spar with Shikamaru?" Naruto asked, loud enough for Orochibuto, wherever he was, to hear.

"You're sparring with Sasuke?" Ino demanded of Shikamaru, loud enough for Itachi to hear.

Awesomesauce.

The Great Blond Idiots of Konoha marched along behind Sasuke and Shikamaru, squawking about the fight so much that it was no wonder that when they reached the training grounds (conveniently located alongside a shallow stream to rest by), there was already an audience of girls, enough to appease Sasuke. His fanclub would grow in due time.

It wasn't just girls, however. There were a few young boys (idolizing Shikamaru?!), some jounin with nothing better to do, the rest of the old Rookie Nine, and Hyuuga and his teammates.

Surprisingly, Sakura was also there, standing off to the side with her arms folded across her chest, clearly baffled.

"Wow, you guys are popular," Naruto said.

Sasuke glared at Shikamaru. He didn't seem to notice, so Sasuke turned his heated look to somewhere above the heads of his audience. He didn't want them thinking he was shooting them bedroom eyes, after all. It wouldn't do to get jumped so early in the game.

He smirked haughtily and stepped back into a defensive stance, activating his Sharingan. Shikamaru yawned, blinked, and readied himself.

If standing completely still was readying oneself for a spar with the Uchiha prodigy.

Sasuke gnashed his teeth together.

"Shikamaru's so cool!" squealed a random voice.

Ugh.

Sasuke rushed him – he would make Shikamaru respond – just enough to suffer a humiliating defeat. After throwing Sasuke in the river, of course.

It was perfect.

Nothing could go wrong with his plan.

-x-

…Nothing except losing, what the hell.

"You shouldn't underestimate your opponents," Shikamaru advised him, breathing hard and nursing a gash on his forehead. He offered Sasuke a hand, and he stared up at him from where he sat on the prickly grass.

It wasn't as if he had been crushed – he just… dodged when he should have hit, and hit when he should have dodged. Shikamaru was surprisingly strong. Sasuke could allow that.

What he couldn't allow was a dispersing crowd. His fangirls slipped away before he could be dunked in the river, before he could strip off his shirt, before he could be gorgeous!

Sasuke watched helplessly as they all left, until only Naruto, looking shocked, and Sakura, fixating on their wounds and fishing out some disinfectant from her pouch, remained. Along with Shikamaru.

"Hey. Are you okay?" Shikamaru asked when Sasuke didn't move.

Sasuke looked at the hand being offered to him. Then he looked up at the face of its owner. How could that face compare to his? It wasn't fair!

So Sasuke – Naruto's best friend, Kakashi's prized pupil, Sakura's first love, the number one rookie of his generation, the mark of a clan massacred, the younger brother of a thought-to-be criminal, and once the biggest heartthrob to hit Konoha's streets since the fourth Hokage – did the only thing he could do: punch Shikamaru square in the nose, so hard he went flying back three feet.

"Sasuke! What the hell!" Naruto shouted, leaping to Shikamaru's side. Great. He had lost Naruto, too? What was next? Sakura?

"Sasuke-kun." Oh. No, Sakura was crouching beside him and putting a hand on his back, looking concerned for his sanity. Great. "What happened?"

Sasuke glared at Shikamaru, still looking shell-shocked. Naruto was helping him up. Sakura was waiting for a reply, her eyes wide and scared.

Sasuke pointed. "He stole my fangirls!"

His words echoed in the clearing, hanging heavy in the tense air. Sakura blinked at him, clearly caught off-guard. Naruto stared, slack-jawed, and Shikamaru stopped rubbing his sore ribs long enough to shake his head, as if he didn't believe what he had just heard.

This lasted for a very long ten seconds, before the three of them broke into simultaneous laughter. Sasuke scowled. This only made them laugh harder.

"You're jealous?" Naruto crowed, clutching his stomach. "Oh man, this is gold!"

"You're jealous of me?" Shikamaru said, eyes glittering with amusement. "That's even better."

Sasuke ignored the immature plebeians and looked at Sakura. She was staring up at him, not smiling anymore. His stomach twisted. He was in for it now.

"Sasuke-kun," she began softly, "Why do you need fangirls at all? I thought you hated them."

"I do," he said at once. Sakura furrowed her eyebrows, clearly not comprehending. Sasuke knew it didn't make much sense, but – it was a matter of pride. Shikamaru, of all people, had beat him in fangirls. Next, Neji would have better hair, Naruto would be smarter, and Chouji would beat him in a spar. And then it was just a matter of time before Lee stole Sakura from him, too.

"Isn't it enough to have me? I'll always be your fangirl," she assured him.

Sasuke cocked an eyebrow at her. Sakura was the only one not sending Shikamaru flowers or following him around like a lovesick puppy. She had stayed stubbornly by Sasuke's side as long as he had known her. Most importantly, Shikamaru would never get his slimy hands on her. So, he supposed…

"Yeah." His gaze softened since his facial muscles were physically incapable of forming a smile. He didn't have time to do much else, before Sakura launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck tight enough to choke him.

Sasuke didn't mind. Or rather, he wasn't paying attention, because across the clearing, Shikamaru was watching them thoughtfully. Sasuke tightened his grip on Sakura, shooting Shikamaru a pointed glare.

Shikamaru smirked.

-x-

The next day, Sakura canceled her lunch date with Sasuke, Naruto, and Sai to treat Shikamaru in the hospital.

"Honestly, Sasuke-kun, did you have to him so hard?" she scolded later that night, when she appeared at his doorway for dinner, as usual. "The poor boy practically needed me to stick my hand through his chest to ease the swelling."

"…"

"And he refused to see anyone else, probably afraid you'd come back to attack him!" she went on, hands on her hips. "I didn't get time to do anything else but watch him! And who knows how long he'll be in the hospital, maybe a week with how he was complaining—"

In the hospital. With Sakura.

For a week. With Sakura.

Shikamaru. Constantly. With Sakura.

Oh no. He wasn't going to let that happen.

Sakura had wandered off to the living room by now, still nattering on about how inconsiderate he was being, while Sasuke walked to the bathroom to put his plan into action.

Sakura finally whirled around, shaking her head with disappointment, to say, "I mean, really, Sasuke, this kind of thing doesn't look good for—Sasuke-kun?"

The hallway was empty. Sakura blinked, glanced around the living room and, not finding Sasuke hiding in a corner, padded towards the kitchen.

"Sasuke-kun?" she called out. He wasn't there, either. She heard the sound of water running, and realized he was probably in the bathroom, so she turned towards it. "Sas—"

"Sakura."

Sakura stared.

Standing before her in the kitchen doorway, was a shirtless, wet-haired, smirking, absolutely perfect Uchiha Sasuke, giving her what she could only deem as bedroom eyes.

Sakura had to clutch the kitchen table to keep from falling over.

Sasuke's smirk widened. "You were saying?"

She was saying? She could speak? Her mind was blank, her mouth dry, but Sakura forced herself to stammer, "Um – Sasuke, you—" She swallowed.

"Sasuke, me…?" Sasuke leaned against the doorway, pushing the hair from his bangs. "Still mad at me?"

"About Shikamaru?" she asked dazedly, then swallowed, forcibly bringing herself out of her trance. "Yes, actually! How do you think that kind of thing looks, Sasuke-kun—"

Sasuke's smirk fell. Short of ravishing her, he didn't know how to get her attention now. What happened to his number one fangirl?

"You really hurt him, Sasuke-kun. You should apologize…I mean, he was so nice about it, too!"

He really, really hated Shikamaru.