Lenalee Lee's Guide to Getting Your Best Friend Laid

AN: Hey everyone! I'm not dead and stuff! :D here is a nice shiny new chapter for you all!

Also, I'm going to be at Anime North this weekend. If anyone else is attending, let me know! We can meet and have coffee or something! I'll be the one cosplaying as Deke! ;D

Theme 41: Teamwork

-LLGTGYBFL-

Allen Walker was Lenalee Lee's best friend, hands down, no question. They'd met as children and made a fast and lasting friendship. They'd had their spats, their jokes and their scares, mostly from Koumi of course, and Lenalee could honestly say that she loved Allen with her whole heart, all his flaws, all his strengths and even that creepy obsession he had with medieval weaponry. Really, that room of his was filled with the stuff of nightmares. Lenalee knew Allen loved her too, just as much, if not more than she loved him.

Which brought her to the current problem. Allen was really nothing more than a big ball of nerves and stress these days, what with his father breathing down his neck to get good grades, his uncle looming over his shoulder wanting to borrow money constantly and that creepy stalker Tyki Mikk watching him from the bushes more than would be considered healthy. By anyone. Allen definitely had a lot to deal with, and on top of that, he recently confided in Lenalee that he was still... still a virgin. A Virgin! Lenalee couldn't believe it. How he hadn't exploded yet was an absolute wonder to her. She imagined he must have some other way to unwind but it was clearly not enough, because he was getting more stressed by the day. And so, Lenalee concluded that Allen Walker needed to get laid. She would be more than happy to relieve Allen of his Virginity of course, but there was one teeny tiny little problem with that.

Allen Walker was really, REALLY gay.

So the whole "Lenalee taking Allen's virginity plan" was definitely a no go. Which sucked, massively. So Lenalee had to come up with some other kind of plan, one that involved a man whom she knew would be a good match for Allen, Allen's complete co-operation, some lube, a locked room and maybe a digital camera. This was going to be difficult.

Step one: Find the Right Guy For Your Best Friend

This one was probably going to be the hardest, Lenalee thought as she walked towards her friend, Kanda's, house. She needed to find someone who would balance out all of Allen's positive and negative qualities and set them up with Allen knowing as little as possible. And he had to be hot. Like, really. Lenalee would not set up her friend with some homely jerk. Allen's mystery man had to look good, maybe not a model or something, but he had to care about looks to some degree. He also had to be gay, obviously, and funny, but know when to be serious, and he had to be willing to deal with Allen's creepy obsessions, and he has to be at least moderately intelligent to keep up interesting conversation with Allen and- Lenalee stopped, mid thought. She was in trouble. How many nice guys are there out there? Not a whole heck of a lot, though she did have the advantage of looking for a gay one, because really, all the nice men were gay.

"Oh, Allen, why did you have to be gay? This would be so much easier if you weren't!" Lenalee mutter to herself, running her fingers through her hair. She briefly considered taking Allen's virginity anyway, but discarded that thought. Kanda could probably help her find someone. He seemed to know every gay guy within a fifty mile radius. Weird, though, because despite his looks, he was probably the straightest man she knew. Lenalee hummed to herself, knocking on Kanda's door, hoping he would know someone remotely compatible with Allen. She smiled brightly at him as he opened the door, regarding the eighteen year old girl suspiciously.

"Whatever it is, I'm not getting involved." Drat. How did he always know? Lenalee wondered, putting on her best "please help me" face.

"Oh, come on, Kanda. It will be so easy! All you have to do is introduce me to some people!" Kanda's perfectly kept eyebrow quirked up. Lenalee could tell he didn't believe a word he was saying. The jerk.

"Who?" Kanda asked gruffly, eyebrow still raised over his dark gray eye. Lenalee paused, thinking about the best way to explain her plan to her ridiculously straight friend.

"I'm trying to get Allen laid." The second eyebrow joined the first, and Lenalee knew she was hitting her first major road block on the path to meddling- err, fixing Allen's love life, "and you know like, every gay guy in the area. So you're going to help me."

"Does the sprout know about this?" huh. That was off. Kanda usually wouldn't give two shits about whether or not Allen knew of one of Lenalee's plots.

"... No." Lenalee couldn't lie to Kanda. He'd probably verbally bitch slap her.

"So you're going behind his back." Kanda crossed his arms, looking rather unimpressed. He made it sound so... so bad when he said it like that.

"... Yes." She admitted, "But you make it sound a hundred times worse when you say it like that!"

"Look, Lena, I'm not helping you." Lenalee's face fell, and she could see Kanda averting his eyes so her kicked puppy look wouldn't suck him in, "I don't like the brat, why should I help him?

"..." Lenalee narrowed her eyes. "I'll tell Koumi you touched my boob." Kanda froze, glaring at her pointedly.

"You're a liar. You wouldn't-"

"Oh, but I would. Allen needs someone to cuddle and you're going to help me." Lenalee smiled triumphantly as Kanda grimaced.

"Shit, okay, FINE but you owe me." Kanda looked pissed off but more or less subdued by the thought of Koumi unleashing his fury.

"Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, tough guy act and all that fun stuff." Lenalee laughed, flouncing into Kanda's house relatively uninvited and walking towards his bedroom, "Is your laptop on?" Kanda grunted affirmatively and Lenalee tromped up the stairs, planning to hack Kanda's Facebook and make a list of Allen's potential lovers. Because you know, Lenalee would definitely pick the perfect one. Totally.

-LLGTGYBFL-

To say that Lenalee Lee was frustrated would be a rather gross understatement. To say she was pissed off beyond rational thought would be a little closer to the truth.

"We're trying to help him Kanda. Help. Say it with me now. HELP." Kanda rolled his eyes at Lenalee and she glared a bit, not liking his attitude even a little bit. Kanda was like, her other best friend forever after Allen, but he could be a massive prick sometimes. And by sometimes she meant all the time, by the way.

"You can help him all you want; I intend to screw with him as much as possible." Kanda crossed his arms stubbornly and Lenalee sighed, rubbing her temples in uncontrollable rage- frustration. Yeah. That one.

"Look. I can pull out my cell and give Koumi a little Jingle Jingle when ever the hell I want. Now stop your bitching and help me you arrogant ass!" Kanda snorted and closed his eyes in thought. Is this progress? Lenalee wondered hopefully, watching the contemplative Japanese asshole.

"I hate the sprout." Lenalee wilted, almost ready to give up and take the names she already gathered and hope for the best, "So the bean will probably want to be with someone who I hate more than him."

Lenalee perked up a bit, "But you hate everyone, Kanda. Everyone. And their grandmothers too. It would be like, impossible to narrow it down based on that." Kanda scoffed, scrolling through his friends list. Lenalee thought briefly back to the day she had strong armed Kanda into making the account. The flood of friend requests from girls in their grade had been almost humorous; if it wasn't for the fact Kanda denied them all, unless Lenalee hacked his profile and accepted them for him. The Jap really was too pretty for his own good.

"There are different hates. There's 'I want to slit your throat' hate and 'I can tolerate you, but don't push it asshole' hate. I don't like anyone, but there are people I hate less." Kanda grunted out, not really listening to himself as he clicked on a profile, "This guy, Lavi Bookman. You know him?" Lenalee hummed, squinting at the photo of the rather attractive redhead.

"I've seen him around school a few times. What kind of hate is he to you?" she asked, looking at Kanda curiously.

Kanda smirked a bit, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, "Depends on my mood and whether or not he's talking." Lenalee chuckled a little, going through this Lavi boy's photos and recent activity.

"He seems quirky enough. I don't know... you think he and Allen would get along?" Lenalee looked at Kanda, a bit worried. The older boy just shrugged, looking bored.

"The moron Rabbit likes anything and anyone. They'll get along just fine. Whether or not they fuck is up to them." Lenalee blushed a bit, shaking her head at Kanda.

"So vulgar..."

"Don't give me that. You were thinking it too." Lenalee blushed more and busied herself with looking through some other profiles, hoping to narrow down the list to a few candidates for her dear best friend.

But seriously, if Allen didn't love her for this, she would probably have to slap a bitch.

-LLGTGYBFL-

Lenalee Lee was ready to kill herself, "I'm going to kill myself." She announced, slumping forward over the table in the cafe she and Kanda were sitting at. It had taken more threats and strong-arming than Lenalee would have liked to get Kanda out to the cafe to help her meet the potential candidates for her virginal best friend, Allen, but he had eventually agreed, much to his discomfort. They'd seen five different men, and none of them were just right for sweet, innocent Allen. They were too arrogant, too boring, or too... well... gay. Allen was definitely riding a rainbow, but he still had his man-pride.

"Why did I agree to help you with this shit again?" Kanda grumbled, glancing at his watch, wanting the last person to show up and get all the bullshit over with.

"Because you love me?" the snort that followed that crushed Lenalee's heart a little, "because I told you to then." Kanda was about to say something when a happy voice cut him off.

"Yuu~!" Lenalee blinked, processing that. Someone had just called Kanda by his first name. She wasn't even allowed to do that. Oh, there was that tick just under his eye. Whoever said that is going to die a slow and painful death. The owner of the voice ran over and Lenalee vaguely recognized him as Lavi Bookman, the only person Kanda had suggested for Allen.

"Have you finally realized your undying love for me, Yuu? Are we going to run away to Paris together? I speak French you know. It would be easy- whoa~!" the playful redhead had just barely dodged a vicious punch from Kanda, and Lenalee vaguely recalled Kanda calling him a rabbit at one point. Funny how Kanda's nicknames are always perfect for describing people. Lenalee shook herself out of her thoughts as Kanda picked up a chair to throw at the now frightened redhead and stood, grabbing Kanda by the ear and pulling hard enough that he made the tiniest pained noise in surprise.

"Down boy. Don't kill the candidates." Lenalee said dryly, not really in the mood to deal with Kanda's rage right at that moment. Kanda was less than pleased to be pushed around like a child, but Lenalee's attention was quickly filled up with a curious red head.

"Oh, hey there random girl. You're Lenalee right? I've seen you on Yuu's Facebook!" Kanda growled, but Lavi went on, ignoring him, "Nice to meet you. I'm Lavi." his smile was almost blinding as he held out his hand to shake and Lenalee took a long moment just seizing him up. Lavi's smile faltered a little and he glanced at Kanda who shrugged.

Lenalee snapped her fingers, breaking out into a grin, "You, my fine red haired friend, are perfect!" Lavi looked rather flattered, putting his hands in his pockets and grinning back at her.

"Well I already knew that sweetheart, but what makes you say that so soon after meeting the lovely me?" Lenalee grinned wider, and Lavi looked almost as pleased, happy to have found someone who agreed with him on his level of awesome.

"You're just perfect. I dunno, I can feel it. How do you feel about blind dates?" Lavi raised one rusty eyebrow, clearly not expecting that.

"Depends on whether or not it could land me in jail." Lenalee laughed lightly at Lavi, who grinned.

"Well, I'm pretty sure you're alright there. See, I've been looking to get someone to date my best friend. He's really uptight and needs someone fun to balance out his serious side. He can be really funny, but he's just... I dunno, too worked up bout stuff sometimes. I think you two would be just the cutest match ever! You in?" Lenalee looked so ridiculously hopeful that she knew it would pull Lavi's heartstrings right out and wrap them around her baby finger.

"Err-uh, yeah, okay, sure." Lavi stammered out, trying not to melt. Kanda sighed, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms, which Lenalee pointedly ignored.

"Wonderful! Be ready to go out on Friday. You'll meet my friend at the table, be there by six, the reservation will be under 'L,Lee" okay?" Lenalee gave him just the right look and he nodded mutely, not sure how to react to Lenalee's emotions.

"Y-yeah, I'll be there..."

"Great! I'll tell Allen then!" she hummed, skipping off, leaving the boys to their own devices.

Step one was a success.

Step two: Get Your Best Friend to Agree to The Date

"Lenalee, I don't have time for a date. I've got other things to think about, and that doesn't include boys." Lenalee wilted, completely put off by Allen's complete and total denial of her pleas.

"... I'll tell Koumi you touched my boob." Allen sighed, looking up at her, clearly not in the mood, "and that you came onto me the last time you slept over."

"Lenalee, Koumi knows of my... persuasion. He would know that I wouldn't-"

"You really think Koumi would listen to logic?" the long, awkward silence after that 'question' lingered for a moment as Allen absorbed that. Koumi was a silly scientist when it came to Lenalee. What with the lasers and the robots and the things that went right for the crotch... Allen was clearly thinking the same thing as he crossed his legs uncomfortably.

Allen took another moment before sighing, "I'm not getting out of this, am I?" Lenalee giggled, sitting down beside him.

"Nope! And trust me, you'll love this guy. He's like, perfect!" Allen looked decidedly sceptical, but he scrubbed a hand over his face thoughtfully.

"Fine. But I reserve the right to blame you for anything that goes wrong." Lenalee nodded, giving Allen all the information he needed about the reservation and teasingly keeping all the information she knew about his mystery date to herself.

Step two was also a success.

Step three: Monitor The Date in Case Something Goes Wrong

Lenalee Lee really felt she should get a great big, loving pat on the back for being so unbelievably awesome. Like, really! If she peered over her menu, and she could SEE the chemistry floating in the air around them as they talked. It was almost unfair how awesome she was and- ohmaigawd, did Allen just... blush? Lenalee was really glad that Lavi and Allen were getting along so well, but she couldn't help but feel just a little, teeny, tiny bit sad. Part of her wished she was the one sitting with Allen, but she mentally squashed that part and threw it into a dark, ugly corner of her mind.

There was no way Lenalee would let a little bit of stupid, misplaced jealousy get in the way of her best friend's happiness. Kanda sighed, sipping at his water sullenly, and Lenalee pointedly ignored him, watching Allen and Lavi flirt like it was going out of style.

"They don't serve soba here." Kanda didn't sound surprised.

"Suck it up princess. Eat something healthy for once." She mumbled, trying not to make too loud of a sound as Lavi brushed some sauce off Allen's face with his thumb and then licked it clean, "Oh, they're just way too cute." Kanda rolled his eyes but refrained from making his customary pseudo-Homophobic comment.

"They're both morons. They're obviously going to like each other. What's that saying? Stupid people breed faster?" Of course, that wouldn't stop him from making some other dick comment, but hey, it was a start. Though, it would be nice to know how Kanda figured Lavi and Allen intended to 'breed'.

"Are you ever like, not a total asshole?" Lenalee wasn't trying to insult him, well, she was trying a little, but she meant well. She really was curious. Seeing Kanda not being an asshole would be like seeing a pony leap into the air and start firing rainbow lasers from its eyes. It just didn't happen. Ever.

"I don't bitch at people when I'm sleeping." So in a round about way, Kanda admitted he was nice when he was sleeping. Which Lenalee wasn't one hundred percent sure he did. He definitely struck her as a vampire, though, a real one. Not one of those weird sparklepyres or whatever the preteen girls were worshiping these days.

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Now quiet. I'm trying to hear what they're saying." They were just out of hearing range, which frustrated Lenalee a little, because really. She set them up! She should be able to hear their flirts! Kanda rolled his eyes, looking like he could hear her internal whining, or was she whining out loud? Oh well, whatever. As long as he didn't make any more unnecessary dick comments, she didn't care.

Allen glanced over at their table and paused, eyebrows furrowing. Crap. Lenalee knew that look. It was the 'what-the-bloody-hell-are-you-doing-here-Lenalee look' and it promised trouble. The black haired girl squeaked and hid her face behind her handy dandy menu, praying that Allen wouldn't recognize her without her face out in the open. Kanda raised an eyebrow but didn't comment, going back to contemplating his menu, hoping to find something that he could tolerate eating. Lenalee would guess that the search wasn't going so well, based off the sour look on Kanda's face. Nothing happened for a few minutes, so Lenalee deemed it safe to peer over her menu again to spy on Allen.

It would have been like, really great if they was still there though.

Wait, what? Lenalee gasped, standing up swiftly and looking around for any sign of her white haired friend and his soon-to-be first lover. Seeing not even a strand of white or red hair left in the place, Lenalee sat down with a huff, crossing her arms. She had to figure out where the two of them would go now. Would Lavi just take Allen home? Or would they go somewhere else and have more fun without her watchful eye!

"Oh no! We have to go find them now!"

"What?" Kanda hardly had time to blink before Lenalee was dragging him towards the exit almost frantically. He sighed and let her, knowing he didn't really have much choice if he wished to ensure that his man-bits stayed intact. Koumi really was a silly scientist.

Step three was sort of a success.

Step four: Wait patiently for it to happen, Then Gloat

Waiting was really the hard part, Lenalee decided. It was almost six months before Allen got the tell-tale confident swagger of a boy who just recently lost his purity. Lenalee licked her lips as she watched him, grinning almost devilishly from the bushes as Allen greeted his lover with a less-than-chaste kiss. Oh yes. They'd definitely done it. Now, she just had to wait until it was her time to take credit for all the hard work she put into getting Allen de-flowered.

Of course, he would never admit it without a little... coercion- err, help. Yes. That was the word she was looking for. Allen Walker was a stubborn little cutie after all, Lenalee thought with a grin, leaning right on up in his face and observing that tell tale hickey on his throat. Most people wouldn't have noticed it, thanks to his collared shirt, but Lenalee knew and there was no way he was ever going to live this down. EVER.

"Say it." Allen shot her a glare, crossing his arms stubbornly, "come on, say I was right~!"

"I have no idea what you mean." Allen Walker really was a stubborn little cutie, but Lenalee was a woman. And no matter how gay Allen was, Lenalee was definitely going to crack him.

"Say it and I'll make you my special Dango~!" oh, that got Allen's attention. He was visibly fighting with himself now, and Lenalee knew it wouldn't be long before he caved. Gay or straight, the best way to a man's heart was through his stomach. And in this case, Lenalee wanted Allen to spill every juicy detail about his little romp with his new bed-mate from the very depths of his beating heart. Oh, eww, Lenalee was getting too poetic about that.

"... What do you want to know?" he sighed, his stomach clearly refusing to let him turn down Lenalee's offer.

"Well first you're going to say I was right about finding you the perfect man. Then you're going to tell me how much you love me, and would totally do me if you weren't running with the gay pride. Then you're going to tell me exactly what happened, and how glad you are to have lost your virginity." Allen went a rather dark shade of pink.

"I'm only doing this for the dango." He insisted, looking around nervously and pulling on his collar a bit, and Lenalee saw the rest of the tell tale marks on his chest and shoulders. Oh ho ho. Lavi is a biter, huh?

"And because you love me." The snort that followed crushed her heart just a little bit.

"Yes you were right about finding me the perfect guy, I love you lots, and if I weren't gay, or you were a man, I would definitely do you," Allen rolled his eyes at that to try and hide his embarrassment, "A-And as for what happened... well... I was on top..."

Lenalee would never look at sweet, innocent little Allen again after that story.

Step four was definitely a success.

-LLGTGYBFL-

End

AN: and there we have it folks.

Remember; let me know if you're going to be at Anime North! I'll see you lovely people there!

Please Review if its convenient for you!

PS, un-beta-ed so yeah. If you see any typos, let me know.