Title: Enough?
Fandom: Gossip girls
Pairing:Serena/Blair
Summery: Blair just can't bring herself to forgive Serena. Serena offers her away. A slight change in the way the Ivy League episode (S1 E3) played out.
Warnings: [spanking] [language] [subtext]
Rating: M
Beta'd by my best mate Purrpickle (you can find her in my favorite authors. I love her fics!)
A/N: I am sure you are wondering what possessed me to write this fic. Spanking? Really? All I can say is that the plot bunny came to me and I followed it down its strange rabbit hole.
"Enough, Ok?"
"It's enough when I say it's enough."
"So we've actually come to physical blows, huh? Truce?"
She is exactly where Blair thought she would be. Her face is hidden behind a book, curled up on a bench as if it was not pouring rain 10 feet away, and while the plaza is roofed, the wide arches render it basically outdoors. But no matter the cold, this is Serena's safe place; always has been. Serena hears her approach and peeks over the top of the book, then closes it and sits up, placing the book in her lap. The space on the bench is an invitation Blair refuses.
"B."
"S."
There is a lot to be expressed in those short syllables. A lot of hurt and a lot of love. These two girls have a past, and the most recent betrayals are all the more poignant because of how much they used to trust each other. Blair fakes it through life, but Serena has always been the one person she didn't have to fake it with. She isn't used to faking it with her. When she tries, Serena just sees right through her.
"Eric told me about what you did for him."
Serena's voice is hoarse. "Yeah, well... family, you know."
"That's the point. I didn't know."
"No, Blair, you didn't." Serena always said a lot with her eyes, but they are unreadable now.
"I should have," Blair admits. "I miss us. I miss knowing about you, and I miss you knowing about me."
"But...?"
"I still hurt. None of your apologies matter. What you did hurt me, and you knew it would hurt me, and you did it anyway. So, we could go back to being 'best friends', and I know how easy it would be, but inside I still want to hurt you."
Serena nods, her eyes downcast, staring at Blair's high heel shoes Her voice is soft, and at first Blair doesn't know if she's hearing her right. "Then hurt me."
"Huh?"
Serena looks Blair directly in the eye in a way that is half dare, half pleading. "Hurt me. Hit me. Slap me. Hell, spank me, if that's what it takes. Hurt me if you have to but stop trying to ruin my life, or you might end up damaging somebody who doesn't deserve it."
"Spank you?" Blair says, half laughing despite herself. "You can't be serious."
But Serena is serious. "If that's what it takes to make things even between us, sure."
It's a ridiculous idea. Physical pain means nothing in the face of what Serena did to her by fucking Nate like he was just another boy. Or even worse (she doesn't admit this out loud but Serena knows it anyhow) leaving her alone without saying goodbye. But then Blair remembers the satisfaction she got when she knocked Serena down during P.E.. When boys got mad, they hit each other. Alright, so maybe it doesn't help make them any less mad, but it must grant some measure of satisfaction.
"Okay."
"Okay?" Serena seems surprised, but she shouldn't be. This is her idea after all.
"Okay." Blair stalks up to Serena and looms over her, looking her directly in the eye. She channels every bit of the rage that still seethes inside her into her stare. Serena glares right back. "Okay, Serena. I'll spank you like the dirty little slut you are, if that's what you want. Kinky, but what the hell. And afterward we won't be friends, but I can ignore you if you stay out of my way. I'll just... forget you ever existed."
Something in her face must be showing the lie to her words because Serena has that look on her face, the one that says she wants to draw Blair close, pet her hair, and protect her from everything that hurt her. A year ago, Blair would have let her. A year ago, it wasn't Serena who had hurt her more than anyone ever had.
She pulls back, out of Serena's space, warning her with her eyes that sympathy isn't wanted. "Chuck's room, tonight, 8' o clock. I'll make sure he's out."
Serena nods.
"You better be there. If not, there are a hell of a lot of things Gossip Girl doesn't know about you that I haven't spilled yet.
"I'll be there."
Blair nods sharply and spins around. After taking a few steps, she risks a look back and sees that Serena has once again brought her book to her face. She doesn't see the single salty tear that leaks out of Serena's eye and travels down her face to hang, trembling, off the tip of her lip. She doesn't see that as soon as she is gone, Serena puts the book down and lets her face fall into her hands as tears stream through her fingers.
Chuck is a bastard and a cad, but he's a manageable bastard because Blair knows something about him that very few other people know. Chuck is gay. Or perhaps bisexual is a better term, because he does enjoy sex with girls, in fact he very much enjoys it. But he enjoys sex with boys much more. It's a secret that could ruin him easily, because his father is just the sort of man who would disinherit him for being an embarrassment. In fact, his father has told him so, on many occasions. Chuck uses his bad reputation with girls to hide what could be his bad reputation with boys, and most people would never guess that he loves nothing better than to suck a hard dick. Nate doesn't even know this.
So, when Blair asks him for the use of his room for 2 hours, Chuck agrees without question. He knows of a club where the bouncers won't ask for his I.D. for a price, and where half the patrons are as deep in the closet as he is. He tells her she's free to spend the night, and only grins cheekily when she tells him it's not like that.
It's 7:59 when Blair hears the knock on the door. Her heart immediately speeds up, and she must stand still for several moments, breathing deeply before she can make herself walk to the door and unlock the deadbolt. She opens the door a crack and sees Serena standing outside, looking much too much in possession of herself. This doesn't seem fair when she herself is a nervous wreck.
She opens the door just wide enough for Serena to slip through, then closes it. She locks the deadbolt and pretends not to notice the ominous finality of the action.
Serena stands in the center of the room looking at her. Their gazes lock and pass messages back and forth that neither are able to articulate out loud. Then Serena lets out an all too shaky breath, and Blair inwardly sighs in relief to know she's not the only one who feels insecure about this strange new territory they seem to be entering.
"Blair? Do you really want to go through with this?" Serena asks, her voice trembling a little. Blair notices her long blond hair is damp from the rain, and that she is still in the same clothes she was in earlier that day; a white shirt that evokes 60's flower children and faded blue jeans. Her eyes are red rimmed, and Blair knows she has been crying. Sympathy for her enemy could undue her, so Blair shuts a mask over her face and becomes the girl everybody thinks her to be.
"What, S? Are you backing out?"
Serena rolls her eyes. "No, B. I just thought perhaps you hadn't thought this entirely through."
Blair arches a dark eyebrow.
"So...where do you want me?" Serena darts a glance at Chuck's bed.
"While I'm sure Chuck would get off at the idea of me spanking you on his bed, I was thinking the couch."
Serena bites her lip, then walks over to the white couch where she notices the Table Tennis paddle on the wooden table beside the couch.
"Blair, what is that for?"
"That," Blair explains, a wicked smile coming to her lips, "is for when my hand gets tired." She takes pleasure in seeing the fear come to the forefront of Serena's eyes. Perhaps she is finally getting a clue that although Blair has accepted her compromise, it doesn't mean she is going to get off easy.
Serena's hand goes to the button on her jeans, playing with it nervously as she shoots a questioning glance at Blair. Blair nods, and she pulls her pants down, stepping out of them. She pushes them out of the way with her foot. Her hands reach for her underwear.
"Bend over the armrest," Blair orders before she can remove that as well. First drawing in and letting out a deep breath, Serena complies, her long blond hair falling into her face, obscuring it. She rests on her elbows.
Blair walks up behind her and just stands there, the moment stretching on in heavy silence. Finally, Serena cranes her head back, her eyes challenging. "Well?"
Shaking away any doubt, Blair pushes Serena's long shirt out of the way. She pulls Serena's underwear down, exposing most of her bottom but leaving just a bit covered to give her some illusion of modesty. She doesn't know if Serena appreciates it but she feels Serena sigh deeply, letting more of her weight onto the couch.
"I am sorry," Serena mutters, the words almost lost into the fabric of the couch.
The rage which had had smoldered restlessly in Blair's chest flares to life when she's hears Serena's apology and her palm makes contact with Serena's bottom. Serena jolts as if shocked, a soft "Oh," escaping her lips.
There is a pause as Serena rearanges herself more comfortably. She says she is sorry again.
So Blair hits her again.
Each time Blair hits her, Serena says she is sorry, and it makes Blair madder and madder, spurring her on. After a particularly heartfelt sorry, Blair rears back and slaps her bottom with as much force as she can.
"Fuck!" Serena yells, pushing herself up and sending an enraged glare in Blair's direction. "Ow!"
"I'm not done yet, Serena Van der Woodson." Blair states, pushing her back down roughly. She notices that Serena's ass is turning a light pink color. Her own palm is tingling and she notices that it is rather pink as well. She leans over and grabs the table tennis paddle.
"Do I get a safe word at least?" Serena grumbles.
Blair snorts. "No. You can get up and leave if you want but I will consider that backing out. If you do that, you will wish people only thought you had a drug problem."
"Fuck you, Blair," Serena growls, tensing back into position.
The paddle has rubber on one side and a thin layer of felt on the other. Blair hits her with the felt side, using roughly the same amount of power as she had used with her hand on average. Serena huffs, then inexplicably giggles.
"What?" asked Blair.
"It hurt less than your hand did. I had expected it to hurt more."
"Huh." Blair looks down at the paddle in wonderment. "So did I."
Serena doesn't expect the next blow when it comes, and lets out a surprised squeak. Blair enjoys the sound with sadistic pleasure and starts to get creative, altering the timing and strength of the blows so that Serena doesn't know what to expect. She draws an assortment of sounds out of the girl's mouth: grunts, squeaks, cuss words, and once when the paddle lands on the sensitive skin of the lower ass that skirts the fine line between inner thigh and pubic area, she gets a squeal.
She has been roughly equal in her treatment of each ass cheek so far, and as an experiment she decides to concentrate on one of them, landing each each blow on the exact same spot. That spot turns from pink, to red, to deep red that is almost plum. Between the smacking sound of the paddle, she hears Serena whimper, so soft she almost didn't hear it.
Instantly she drops the paddle and places her hand on deep red spot. It's edges are a mottled purple, which she hadn't noticed from further away. Serena's bottom, soft under her hand, is surprisingly warm, fiery even, and she feels the girl shudder beneath her touch. "Sweet Jesus, B," Serena hisses, her voice high and tight.
Blair kneels beside the couch, pulling the curtain of Serena's long blond hair, which has become kinked from the rain, out of her face. She sees that Serena's cheeks are wet, and there are teeth marks on her finger.
"Oh god, I'm sorry, Serena. Are you okay?" she asks.
"Fuck no, I'm not okay. Are you done?" Serena asks roughly, her voice hoarse.
"Yes, I'm done. We are done," Blair says, nodding and standing up as she moves away from the couch. She looks anywhere but at Serena.
Serena pushes herself into a standing position, easing her underwear back over her reddened bottom, wincing as the fabric touches areas that have become over sensitized. "You are really done?" she asks as if she doesn't believe her.
"Yeah, I'm done, okay? Blair says irritably.
"So you're telling me you are not still mad at me for fucking the boy you have been in love with since kindergarten?"
"Serena." Blair cannot believe that her former BFF is trying to make her mad again. She doesn't know what her deal is and she doesn't want to play her game.
"Blair." Serena returns in the same aggrieved tone. "You've been waiting years for that perfect moment. You wanted it to be special. You were planning to make love to Nathan. I fucked him while I was drunk and high in a dining hall at a wedding. He still has feelings for me, and if I said a word, he'd drop you for me in a minute. You are honestly ready to let that go?"
"What do you want me to say, Serena?" Blair growls, "Do you want me to tell you how much I hate you? I'll never forgive you. Never!" She screams the last word in Serena's face, then backs up as her hand goes to her mouth. There is an ill feeling curling in her stomach. Her eyes squeeze shut to stop the tears which verge at the edge of her eyelids and she dashes them away angrily.
Serena pulls her underwear down and off, dropping it in on top of her discarded pants. She bends back over the couch and looks at Blair with come hither eyes. "Lets finish this, then."
"What are you, some kinda masochist?" Blair asks, but she picks the paddle up anyway.
"No, I just want you to leave this room fully" her voice hitches as the paddle smacks into the cheek that had been neglected, hard enough to jolt her forward an inch, "satisfied." the word comes out strangled.
The next blow comes down over the same spot, forcing an expletive out of Serena's mouth.
"I don't understand you at all, Serena," Blair says, her voice low. The paddle comes down on that spot again; the response another grunt; high and tight.
"Why did have sex with Nate?", she asks, before she whacks her again. Same spot. She ignores Serena's outraged yell. She's not holding back the strength of her arm at all, in fact she's putting her full body into it. Serena's cheek is starting to bruise purple, but she doesn't care. She wants it to hurt. She wanted it to hurt for a long time.
When Serena doesn't answer, she brings the paddle down on that purpling spot so hard it jars her shoulder.
"Oh fuck," Serena sobs.
"Why?" Blair yells as she brings the paddle down.
"Oh god, oh fuck, it hurts Blair."
Blair carries the the paddle up high, anger carying her past the sharp clench of her heart. She won't stop until Serena answers her honestly for once.
Before Blair can land a blow, Serena shrinks and tries to roll off the armrest, words spilling out of her mouth in an almost incomprehensible jumble. "Because I was drunk and high and he was cute, and I was stupid. I was stupid, B." They leave Serena's mouth as part of a sob, the start of many. She can't seem to stop. "I was so fucking stupid. I'm so sorry."
Blair lowers her hand slowly and puts the paddle down on the wooden table. She feels dizzy, light headed. Realization and understanding war with her rage and win.
Serena had not been trying to take Nate away from her. She had not been trying to hurt Blair. She'd just been doing what Serena Van der Woodson did back then, which was party hard, get really drunk and fuck boys. Nate had been just another boy to her. No plot. No grand betrayal. Just a stupid girl doing something stupid at a party, like so many stupid girls do. Right now there were probably 50 stupid girls on Manhattan island alone having sex with somebody they shouldn't because they were too drunk to know better.
Numbly, because she doesn't want to hear her own thoughts, Blair helps Serena get up off the couch. She's still sobbing, and her tears soak into Blair's shirt as she mumbles apologies against it. Blair lays her down on her stomach on Chuck's bed, then falls beside her."Why did you leave me?" she asks, her voice breaking slightly. "My world was falling apart and you were the only one who would have understood. My father left my mother for a 31 year old model. A male model. Every day I felt like screaming because there was no one to talk too. You were gone. My dad was gone. Nate was acting weird," she chuckles, somewhat sadly and looks into Serena's eyes. Serena has stopped sobbing although tears still trail down her cheeks. She is just listening, which all Blair ever needed from her. For her to be there. For her to listen.
"Where were you? Why didn't you call?" Blair is tearing up herself now, but she soldiers on through. "You were supposed to be my best friend. I missed you so much." Serena grabs her hand with both of her own and squeezes tight. Blair snuggles closer, her uncaptured hand clutching Serena's shoulder and as she ducks her head into her hair. "I miss you so much."
Serena seems to be struggling for words. She strokes the side of Blair's face, and opens her mouth, chokes and opens her mouth again. "I didn't know-"
"You knew." Blair pulls away and looks with all the hurt inside her into Serena's eyes. "You knew. And you didn't even call." She's crying outright, now.
Serena starts again, shaking her head slightly. "I didn't know..." she pauses, searching for the right words; finds them, "what to say to you, or even how to be your friend after what I did. I am so sorry," she says, her words choked out through a throat tight with crying.
"All you had to do was be here," Blair tells her, running a hand through the blond girl's hair, which has somehow gotten tangled. "I love you. I could have forgiven you anything. I already have."
"I'm so sorry," she's a broken record, but it is all Serena can say, knowing the fault she had been apologizing for all this time had not been the fault that Blair had been punishing her for.
"Hey," Blair says softly, managing a brave smile, "don't cry too hard or you will end up drowning."
Serena manages to giggle shakily and cries even harder as Blair pets her hair and holds her close. "I love you, Serena. I forgive you. I love you too much to hate you," she tells her.
Serena can't speak at first, she's crying so hard, but when she can she says, "I'm glad. I love you too. I never wanted to hurt you."
The two of them, thinking of all the ways they have hurt each other in the past few days both fall into another round of hard crying, which eventually drains away to sniffling. Blair gets the hick-ups.
Blair sits up to find some water, and her leg brushes against Serena, making her hiss. Blair realizes that she has forgotten all about what she had done to Serena in the last hour. When she sees it she lets out a gasp. Serena's bottom is mottled red and purple and even blue. In several places the outline of the edge of the paddle can be seen.
"Oh God, Serena, I'm so sorry." Sorry again. That word seems to be the only thing they say to each other now.
"That bad?"
"Worse. That must be hurting."
"It hurts less than my heart does for abandoning you," Serena asserts bravely.
At Blair's look, she amends, "Only a little bit less."
Blair rushes to get a towel and and wets it with cold water, draping it over Serena's abused skin. Serena's breath hitches at every movement of the towel, but she says that it feels better, and thanks her.
Chuck, the bastard, has no ice in his freezer for once, so Blair must hiccup through a call to room service. "ice, just ice, and hurry." When it arrives, she places the ice cubes on the top of the wet towel and they soak through, providing cool relief. Serena assures her that she's floating on a bed of endorphins still, from both the pain and the crying, and it probably hurts a lot less now than it will tomorrow. This does not reassure Blair very much. She promises to skip school with Serena until she is able to sit down again, and Serena tells her, honestly, that it might be a few days.
When Chuck stumbles back to his room, early the next morning, he is confused to find a lone ping-pong paddle on the floor and a damp towel on his bed. Snooping reveals no facts but that Blair Waldorf put in a call in for ice. She also seemed to have a bad case of the hiccups. Nobody knows whether or not she entertained guests.
The next chapter is a smutty outtake starting at when Serena entered Chuck's room. It's rated MA and the ending is completely different from the original. It's also a lot more femslashy, instead of being subtexty like this one. I'm not sure its as good. But it is smut, so if your interested, go on to the next chapter.