Chapter 5: Apologies

(One day before the raid)

Jared was angry with me, there was no getting around that. I had gotten my way easily with Jeb, but honestly, he should have seen that coming. Jeb knew that I wouldn't take no for an answer, but it didn't matter; the crazy old man had never been able to say no to me since I was a little girl. I just had a way with him, I guess.

Unfortunately for me, Jared was not so forgiving. He'd been against my going on the raid to begin with. I knew he only wanted to keep me safe, but who was going to keep him safe? Besides, Jamie was going with him anyway, and if there was a risk of losing one or both of them, I wasn't going to sit in the caves day after day waiting for them to come back or to find out they were dead. But I knew Jared would forgive me in time. It was Ian who we would have the trouble with.

Ian hadn't been angry with me at first; after all I had defended him when Jeb said he wouldn't be allowed to go on the raid. But I had also done something terrible. When I knew that my hardheaded uncle would never change his mind, I decided to use that to my advantage. After I had told Jeb I wanted to go, I used Ian's absence to convince Jeb to let me go on the raid. They would need another person anyway, and for all the time that my body had not been my own, I deserved to spend my time however I saw fit, and no one was going to stop me.

As much as I was dreading it, I knew I had to apologize to Ian. I wasn't sorry that I was going on the raid, I was just sorry that I was replacing someone else. I hadn't used him...it just happened to look that way.

Ian had been hiding all day long; I had done his chores in addition to my own, and Jeb did not object. He knew that Ian would need some time, and we all knew that he would pull his more than his fair share of the weight once we were gone, which would only be in less than a day.

I found him in the place where he and Wanda had hidden on one of the many days they had spent together; he was hiding in the corn field – or what served as a corn field for us anyway. He was just sitting there staring off into nothing, obviously deep in thought. I sat down next to him and waited for him to acknowledge me, but since he didn't, I spoke first.

"Hey..." I let my voice trail off as I reached for the words I was looking for. "Look, I'm really sorry if it seemed like I was using you as an excuse to go on the raid. That's not what it was about, although I know it looked that way. I was going to talk to Jeb about it anway– well I guess I shouldn't be making excuses, should I? Um..."

"I'm not mad at you," he said, but I could tell his mind was somewhere else. Still, so far this was going easier than I thought it would.

"What are you thinking about?" I whispered.

"Well...I'm glad you're going to get Wanda a new – this sounds so weird – host, but I've just been wondering how I'm going to react when I see her in a different body. I mean, isn't it obvious why I was sleepwalking the other night? I was dreaming of Wanda, but in a way I was also dreaming of you. I still look for her in you. I've never seen her in a different body...it's always been yours and I'm just so confused. I'm afraid I'm going to end up rejecting her initially because it won't be the same, and I don't want to hurt her. I had always convinced myself that I love her for who she is, but since the whole incident, I've started to second-guess myself."

"Ian, look at me," I said firmly, grabbing his chin and pulling his head up, forcing him to look. "You don't have anything to prove to anybody, including yourself. It's very clear that you love Wanda purely because of who she is. Just look at all of your determination to keep her alive when you knew that Doc's orders were to do otherwise. That should be proof enough for anyone, but especially you."

He looked at me and smiled. "Thank you," he said. "I needed to hear that. You know, I was angry at you for a little while, but then I realized how great it is that Jeb decided to let you go on the raid. You and Wanda have a bond that I never understood. And you deserve it after having another living thing inside your head for all that time – literally." He was making corny jokes. That was a good sign.

I smiled back. "So I was on my way to get something to eat...do you want to come with me?"

"Nah. I think I'm actually going to stay here for awhile. I'll eat later. And in case I don't see you before you leave tomorrow...be safe and good luck." He kissed me on the cheek.

"Thank you, I will," I said.

Jared was leaving just as I was about to enter the small room that served as the kitchen. We nearly collided. I wanted to say something, apologize, but I bit my tongue. He was being stubborn and ridiculous, and it wasn't going to change anything. Besides, I didn't have anything to apologize for. I was planning on ignoring him and walking past him, but he surprised me by grabbing my wrist as I was about to go in. I turned to face him. He kissed me gently on the forehead, then stood back and looked at me with a pained look in his eyes. I knew it would kill him if anything happened to me, but that went both ways. He didn't say a word to me as he turned and quickly walked away.

I ate in silence while Jamie sat animatedly beside me and chattered endlessly in his excitement about the raid. I laughed to myself when I thought about how he probably wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. Maybe I would get Jeb to talk to him, or better yet convince him to stay here.

When I arrived back at the room I shared with Jared, he looked like he was already asleep, although I could never be sure. Either way I didn't expect him to speak to me tonight; he hadn't for the past two.

Just in case he was asleep, I slipped into the room as quietly as possible and slid quietly onto the mattress and under the blanket, not facing Jared. I felt him turn over, and he put his arms around me, holding me tightly.

"Mel..." he choked out. It almost sounded like he had been crying. "If anything happens to you..."

"It will be entirely my fault," I interrupted. "I wanted to do this. It was my decision. And if you think about it, I've done this before. Every time Wanda went on a raid, I was right there beside you. Don't forget that."

"I love you," he whispered. "And I'm sorry. I just don't know what I would do if..."

I turned to face him. "Which is why we're not going to think about it. We're in this together. I love you. And nothing's going to happen. Nothing."