Disclaimer: Janet Evanovich owns everything. It's her play ground, I just like to play in it.
Spoilers: I don't think so, but I guess through 14 to be safe.
A/N: This is a one-shot that's been rattling around in my brain since before Just Life, only I couldn't get myself to write it. Well, here it is. It's not exactly a song fic, though it was inspired by A Fine Frenzy's "Near to You". I'll post the lyrics at the end for anyone who's interested. It's a beautiful song, and reminded me so much of the Joe/Ranger/Steph relationship.
It had been thirteen days. Thirteen days lying here wondering why in the hell I was still lying here. Why did it hurt this much? It shouldn't hurt this much. This should not be tearing me up inside like tiny shards of glass being pumped through my veins.
I love him, of course I love him, but it wasn't enough and we'd finally agreed on that, and now I couldn't remember what contentment felt like.
Thirteen days. Thirteen progressively more annoying messages from my mother. Thirteen concerned calls from Lula and Connie. Ten calls from Mary Lou, but only because she has her sons to take care of, or else I was sure there'd have been thirteen.
Two ignored visits from Joe. Two calls.
Thirteen baby carrots for Rex. Twenty tasty cakes. Six peanut butter and olive sandwiches. Three pints of Ben and Jerry's. Twenty four bottles of beer. Exactly no pineapple upside-down cake.
Two billion tears.
Five calls from Ranger, one word each, 'Babe'. Two ignored visits from the Merry Men. One food delivery from Ella.
Four billion more tears.
It was on the eve of the fourteenth day that I heard my locks tumble. In an earlier life, I might have been scared. I might have jumped from bed and raced to get my gun out of the cookie jar.
But that was before. Now I just waited. I waited for the robber or rapist or murderer to come and end my misery. I didn't want to die, far from it. I was just sorely lacking in the energy to care these days.
I felt his presence like a tickle of energy up my spine. The tiny hairs on my arms stood on end, my fingertips tingled, my eyelids fluttered closed.
He entered the room silently, like a wisp of smoke, or the ephemeral wind he'd always claimed to be. I didn't turn to face him.
I felt his eyes on me, surveying me, burning into me, and I wanted to sink into the mattress and hide there forever. I didn't want him to see me like this; completely broken over another man. I didn't want him to know that I was soft and weak and so much less than I'd always tried to be with him.
I felt him moving, felt the air shift as he pulled the chair up close to my bed and sat in it. He didn't speak. He didn't need to. His very presence was like a balm to my soul, though it shouldn't be anything of the sort.
This was the first time I'd been in the same room with him since Morelli and I had broken up. Two weeks. It would be two weeks in a few hours. It shouldn't still hurt like this.
"It'll get better," he whispered, his words low and rough as if burdened by some strong emotion. "You'll get better."
I shook my head, still refusing to look at him. Didn't he think that I'd tried to move on, to get over it? Didn't he think that I wanted to be anywhere but here, lying in bed, my heart broken at losing Joe? Didn't he think I'd erase it if I could?
"The heart doesn't chose who it loves," he said simply as if reading my mind.
Finally, I rolled to my back and stared up at him in the darkness. I could barely make him out in the scant light filtering through my curtains. Only his dark eyes cut through the light like burning obsidian flames.
"Why?" I whispered, unable to force anything else out.
"Why does it hurt?"
I nodded.
"Because you love him. You've been with him for three years. Why wouldn't it hurt?"
He wasn't being rude or crass or any of the other things I'd feared he might be. He wasn't poking and prodding at Joe, and he wasn't downplaying my feelings. He was being everything I needed him to be in that moment; a source of understanding, a funnel of advice.
"Why?" I asked again, my throat aching from the unshed tears. Tears brought on by the utter caring I sensed in his eyes. Tears I held back so that he wouldn't know how much he meant to me and take off like Batman into the night.
"Why am I here?"
I nodded again.
"You haven't left your apartment in almost two weeks. You haven't spoken to anyone. It's time."
I didn't have to ask what for. It was time for me to get up and move on with my life. It was time for me to stop moping and accept that Joe and I had never been destined for a lifetime commitment. My head had known it years ago; it was my heart that was just catching on.
"I'm not sure I can."
"I know you can." He nodded stiffly.
"How?"
"You get up. You smile. You go about your life. It'll hurt. It'll always hurt, but after awhile the sharp ache will turn into a dull throb. It'll fade. Like a bruise, it'll fade."
I stared up at him, wanting to say something, wanting to roll over and go back to sleep, wanting to be held.
"How do you know?"
He shrugged, his eyes never leaving mine. "My ache faded two years ago. But it still throbs every time you go back to him."
I gasped, my eyes widening, my breath caught in my throat. How could he…Why would he…He didn't…He couldn't…
"Breathe, Stephanie."
I choked down a breath, then another, until I was pulling in slow, deep breaths.
"But…"
He reached forward and smoothed my hair back from my face. His eyes were hard and intense when he finally spoke.
"I love you, Stephanie. You know that whether you've admitted it to yourself or not. I know I've said a lot of stupid shit. I'm sorry for that. I was still trying to figure out who I was, never mind what I wanted in life. I know now."
I stared at him, my mouth opening and closing in a close approximation to a fish until he reached forward and closed it with a finger under my chin. I swallowed quickly.
"And?"
"And you're not ready for this," he whispered and if I didn't know better, I'd think he sounded disappointed.
"Ready for what, exactly?"
He placed a slow, lingering kiss on my forehead.
"Ready for this," he said quietly, motioning between us.
It didn't matter that he was right. It didn't matter that the pain from Morelli was just now starting to dull. What mattered was that he was here, and he was the reason for the dulling.
"I want to be ready," I said softly, tears threatening once more to fall.
He swiped his thumbs under my eyes and I was surprised to feel the wetness against my skin.
"You will be," he said with a small smile. "Give it time."
He pulled away from me and rolled to his feet.
"Wait." Panic crept in at the thought of him leaving. He was the only thing keeping me from slipping back into the melancholy which had overtaken me for the past two weeks. He was the Band-Aid keeping the pain at bay.
He stopped in the doorway and turned back to me, blank face in place.
"Please don't leave. Please, stay with me"
He cocked an eyebrow, but took a few steps back towards my bed.
"It's better. I'm better, near to you. You make me better."
He watched me a few moments longer before reaching down and unclipping his gun belt. It landed with a thud on the floor and then he was beside me in bed, still fully clothed, but warmer and stronger and more perfect than any man had ever been. This was it; this was where I belonged.
"Sleep, babe." I felt his lips move on my ear as his breath brushed through my hair. "Tomorrow will look better."
I didn't think that anything could be better than this moment now, here in his arms. It would take some time for me to get over Joe, but with Ranger here by my side I was already healing.
Fin.
Near To You
- A Fine FrenzyHe and I had something beautiful
But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last
I loved him so but I let him go
'Cause I knew he'd never love me back
Such pain as this
Shouldn't have to be experienced
I'm still reeling from the loss,
Still a little bit delirious
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
You and I have something different
And I'm enjoying it cautiously
I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be
He's disappearing
Fading suddenly
I'm so close to being yours
Won't you stay with me
Please
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I am
Better where you are
I only know that I belong
Where you are
Near to you, I am healing
But it's taking so long
'Cause though he's gone
And you are wonderful
It's hard to move on
Yet, I'm better near to you.
Yet, I'm better near to you.
A/N: I know there is so much more that could be done with this song, this is just what I came up with. I'd love to read someone else's take on a songfic with this song. Thanks so much for reading! I'd love to know what you thought.