Fate-Season's Road

"Autumn-Winter Project – 2008-2009"

"Because it will probably take that long or more…"

Author - Jyoohan

Editor - Yuurei-san

Original Creators

Type-Moon

~*~*~

Einzbern Wedding Panic -RE-Act-!

A young boy once foolishly tried to make everything in the world rational.

He picked and sorted all perfectly until 'that' came along.

No matter how much he reasoned, No matter how much he thought,

"It's useless," He said because, "Love is purely irrational!"

"Prelude to Madness"

It was a dark and stormy night as autumn's rain bared its cold blight. The people of the town tightened their coats and straps to escape from the night's chilling trap. A night of creep and--*Plonk!*

(This ain't a Halloween fic!)

Oh, sorry, *ahem*.A flash of lightning illuminated bars of iron, reaching high like prison walls. Another crack of thunder pierced the darkness as pallid fingers traced a cold gate lock. With a nostalgic creak, the iron gates swung open as three hooded figures made haste to the mansion before them. It was smaller than what they were used to, but an even larger mansion accustomed to their tastes would be a bother in this 'urban' town.

After two generous knocks, the door opens as if waiting for its guests.

"Welcome, we have been awaiting your arrival." A pretty red headed maid ushered in the three guests. Expertly, she retrieved their soaking coats without getting a single drop of rain on her spotless apron.

"Oh, you're not half bad." A pair of red eyes did not miss a single detail.

"E-eh? I'm sorry, was there a problem?"

"Sella, we're not here to gauge other people's maids." The proud voice of Illyasviel von Einzbern graced the foyer.

"Forgive me, milady."

"It's fine, but you are?" Ilya turned to the redheaded maid, wearing a western maid uniform.

"Good evening honored guest, my name is Hi—."

"Hisui-chan! Has our guest finally arrived? Oh my, I didn't mean to raise my voice so. Welcome." A merry voice echoed through the mansion. From the east wing, another redhead sprang forth, but she was outlandishly dressed in a kimono under an apron. Sella was too shocked by the second maid's tactless behavior to even sound a complaint.

"Nee-san, is that a—"

"A feather duster, I was doing a little sprucing here and—*CRASH*—there." Kohaku smiled innocently with boundless cheer. Only in Kohaku's hands would a feather duster be even considered a Weapon of Mass Demolition.

"Judging from the sound of it, a fine china vase around 13 lb. fell," Kohaku flinched in obvious guilt. "Where three more were broken at an earlier time." Leysritt finished, making Kohaku shrink away even further into the background.

"Nee-san…" Hisui held an open hand, beckoning for the dangerous feather dusting weapon. With teary eyes, Kohaku surrendered her tool of malevolent destruction.

"Prepare tea for the guest?" Hisui nodded to her sister's proposal before she fretfully left for the kitchen.

"Um… excuse me, but is this a normal thing?" Leysritt asked worriedly.

"Unfortunately, nee-san isn't well suited for cleaning duties within the mansion." Hisui bowed apologetically.

"Then is not it even more dangerous by sending her into a kitchen?" Ilya reasoned.

"No worries need to be shed over nee-san's cooking ability, honored guest. While I overlook the majority of the cleaning duties inside the mansion, nee-san specially handles all of the cooking. If you would follow me, I'll lead you to the sitting room where Akiha-sama awaits." Hisui said with absolute confidence.

Though their worries were far from dispersed, Ilya and her maids followed Hisui while keeping a wary eye out for Kohaku. Opening a pair of double doors, the head of the Tohno house, Tohno Akiha, sat lucidly to greet her guests.

Ilya curtsied with faultless elegance before introducing herself and company. "A pleasant evening to you Tohno-san, my name is Illyasviel von Einzbern, and these are my maids, Sella and Leysritt."

"And a pleasant evening to you as well Einzbern-san. I am Tohno Akiha, and I'm sure you have already met Hisui and Kohaku after hearing your scuffle in the lobby." Akiha resisted the urge to chuckle. "But where are my manners? Please, take a seat."

Seconds after Ilya took her place upon the sofa, a cart rolled out from the kitchen as if on cue. Atop, a set of tea cups filled with auburn liquid billowed steam. Sella and Leysritt's previous impressions were blown away as Kohaku set the saucers and teacups like a well oiled machine. And after a generous amount of tea cakes were placed around the coffee table, Kohaku asked with a courteous bow, "Is there anything else you would like to request, Akiha-sama?"

"No, you've done well Kohaku." And with that, Kohaku took her place behind Akiha along with Hisui, in wait of her mistress's need. Two pair of maids stared each other down. The Tohno maids have a clear upper hand in this silent battlefield with their home field advantage.

"It's nowhere near a castle or anything, but this is a most lovely home you have here Tohno-san. I'm sure life is very peaceful in a town like this." Ilya started small talk whilst enjoying her tea and cakes.

"We've had our fair share of problems like any other city. But forgive me as I must say, I'm sure neither one of us want to waste much time on idle chit-chat."

"True, I'm pleased we can skip right to business then." Ilya took her last sip of tea and her face turned solemn. "I heard that you have an elder brother Tohno-san yet haven't even met the eldest son of the Tohno family."

Akiha visibly flinched. A brief second past before she replied, "I'm sorry to say that my dear elder brother is not home tonight."

"Not home? The weather outside is just dreadful and where else would he be at this late hour or… whom he might be with?" Ilya opined, not missing Akiha's growing anxiety. "Are you feeling alright Tohno-san? You're shivering. I feel a bit of a chill myself. Maybe we can—"

A sudden clap broke Ilya's sentence. "Ah, forgive me Einzbern-sama. I just remembered something very important. Hisui-chan, I remembered a cake I had just baked the other day. Could you get it for us from the kitchen please?" Kohaku clasped her hands as if begging.

"Nee-san, but I… understood. I will bring it right away." As if suddenly remembering, Hisui walked briskly towards the kitchen. Her head drooped oddly. Ilya however had a peevish look in her face, particularly leering at Kohaku.

"Kohaku, it's very impolite to interrupt our guest when she is talking." Akiha scolded, but her grin said otherwise.

"Forgive me Akiha-sama, after remembering I couldn't help myself." Kohaku kindly returned a bright cheery smile of her own, almost too cheery for her own sane good.

"Returning to topic, by the way you talk; you seem very much attached to your elder brother." Ilya's earlier sneer is nowhere to be found.

"Is it strange for a brother and sister to be close?" Akiha raised a suspicious brow. "I'd rather not speak about such a nonsensical topic. It ruins the tea."

"But I've managed to find a bit of information that might interest you, Tohno-san. It seems that a certain house head has been hiding a dirty secret."

"This sounds like a rather bland gossip, but g-go on."

"You love your brother, don't you?"

And with that sudden bomb dropped, a clichéd blast of tea misted the air and found a comfortable home all over Kohaku's form. "Akiha-sama, that reaction was…"

"W-w-what impudence you have to accuse me of such a thing!" Akiha jumped up and shouted with a cherry face.

"You didn't deny it." Akiha suddenly stepped back. "So it is true, don't worry. I have don't have any ill intentions towards you Tohno-san." Ilya giggled with a curly grin.

"Why are you grinning? What are you planning?" Akiha returned to her seat, her calm shattered.

"There's nothing to be worried about, Tohno-sama, for Tohno-sama and milady are as close as kin through rather special circumstance." Leysritt spoke suddenly.

"What do you mean special circumstance?" Kohaku asked while trying to get the tea out of her eyes.

"Yes, do explain." Akiha crossed her arms in disbelief.

"Thanks to special research and PI investigation—"

"You did what?!" Akiha exclaimed but Leysritt continued without interruption.

"—we've found remarkable similarities between milady and Tohno-sama. For example: One, both ladies are from a wealthy and well-established family. Two, both have a brother complex for their elder brother. Three, the said brothers whom are a target of the brother complex are not a blood relative to their younger sisters. These parallels go on and on"

Akiha's mouth gaped open in shock. "You can't be serious. It's like someone deliberately made it that way."

"I'm serious. I don't know the details, but I know your brother was adopted from a lost clan called the 'Nanaya'. And that your brother has been frequently meeting with a certain vampire and church woman."

"Oh, Einzbern-sama has done lots of research!" Kohaku said amazed.

"Quiet Kohaku! So what that you know that I have a brother complex and that nii-san has been meeting with that vile foreigner and church agent. You have no business in my personal affairs!"

"I think you've missed the point Tohno-san. Didn't we say that we're two of a kind?" Ilya stood up as well. "I have a brother complex, too!" She exclaimed proudly. As if heaven's gates opened, a holy light shined upon Ilya's facade, while Akiha looked confused.

"Let me explain Tohno-sama," Sella stepped forward to speak, "In case you had no prior knowledge, milady has her infatuation targeted to a certain monkey back in Fuyuki City."

"Sella, don't speak about my onii-chan like that!" Ilya griped.

"My onii-chan?" Kohaku tried to hide her giggles in vain.

"Milady was conceived between the union of Irisviel von Einzbern and Emiya Kiritsugu. However as a torrent of events passed, Kiritsugu left the Einzbern with unsaid reasons then adopted a child, which he named Emiya Shiro."

It only took a moment before the gears in Akiha's head began to turn and realize the purpose of this most auspicious meeting. "You said you had no ill intensions before. So… what kind of intentions do you have, Einzbern-san?"

"I will humor you this time Tohno-san. I believe that we can accomplish what has never been done before. We are about to shape history. I have the utmost confidence in our… partnership." Ilya extended her hand.

Akiha had to admit, Ilya had that look in her eyes. The eyes that said, 'what I want is what I'll get.' Those were dangerous types; but nonetheless, those were also the types that would get things done. "I believe it's too early to make any permanent bonds Einzbern-san, but I cannot deny that you have me intrigued. For now, I must say that we should get to know each other better."

Taking Ilya's hand, a mild chortle began between the two and grew into a hysterical fit of laughter. Underneath their clean benign words lie sinister plans and plots. A beacon of hope for brocons everywhere as these two little sisters dares to prove the world wrong!

Two particular men felt the strongest chill in their life crawl down their spines, and somewhere in the world, Kokutou Azaka sneezed with a terrible yet fortune tolling hoot.

"Ahem." A cough from Sella returned both ladies back to their senses. Other than a slight flush to their cheeks, no one could have fathomed the powerful aura that had emanated just moments ago, a most nefarious aura it was. Immoral beyond all comprehension!

"And now that brings me to this, Liz!" Ilya signaled her maid and in an instant, a large trunk appeared out of nowhere.

"W-where have you been hiding that?" Akiha wondered where they could have hidden that thing until now.

"This is the solution to our problems, after we… coax him." With a snap of their mistress's finger, Sella and Leysritt unsnapped the trunk's bindings and opened it but nothing came out. After nothing happened for a minute, both ladies took a curious peer inside and almost screamed at the horrors held within. Inside was something that looked akin to a shriveled mummy or zombie.

"What is that thing?! What do you bring inside my house?!" Akiha resisted the urge to hide behind her sofa.

"Maybe transporting him like this wasn't the best idea. But it's his fault for not being cooperative and being incompetent." Ilya squinted her eyes, barely able to recognize this… thing.

"Akiha-sama, I've brought the cake." Hisui voice came from the kitchen. A sweet scent filled the air, the aroma of freshness reaching the nostrils of the shriveled form within the trunk case.

"F-f-fooood!!" The zombie like being jumped out the box like a crazy spider monkey. Bounding off the ceiling and in the blink of an eye, the cake Hisui brought on a silver platter disappeared. Next to a dark corner, the crazed eyes zombie drooled in anticipation as the delicious scent was like euphoria. Without another moments waste, it took a sizable bite out of the whole cake.

"Ah… he ate it." Kohaku half hid her face behind her kimono sleeve.

A soundless minute passed as the unknown house guest crouched in the corner silently, not a single movement after its monstrous bite out of the cake. It seemed very odd to Ilya, but suddenly Akiha asked, "Kohaku, is there something I should know about a certain cake?"

"Oh my, whatever can you mean Akiha-sama?"

"Hisui?" Akiha switched targets, but Hisui avoided her mistress's gaze. "Kohaku…"

"You shouldn't have such a look in your eyes Akiha-sama. You'll get wrinkles."

"K-Kohaku!"

"And my poor Hisui-chan tried her most hardest to make something everyone would enjoy… even if only the smell came out right."

"As I thought, this is has turned for the worst." Akiha said with almost painful eyes.

"Excuse me, but can you please tell me what's going on?" Ilya pouted.

"If we don't help your uninvited guest soon, he may not live long enough to be of use in whatever you're planning Einzbern-san."

"What are you talking about?" Ilya got up and walked towards the crouched zombie. "He's just… KYAAAH?!" The crouched figure was frozen stiff like a stone statue but somehow managed to vomit blood in the process.

-After a stomach flush and couple minutes later…-

"I am deeply surprised he lived through that. A normal man would not have made such a quick recovery." Akiha sighed as the uninvited guest gorged himself on Kohaku's gourmet cooking.

"Phew, I'm alive. For a second, I thought I saw a bright light at the end of a tunnel." The humble author sighed in satisfaction whilst patting his full stomach.

"My-my, don't say such ominous things, Mr. Dimensional guest. Its bad luck you know. It could have been a freight train coming your way." Kohaku had a twinkle in her eyes.

"Um… I see." The author shrinked in his chair as Kohaku loomed over him menacingly even though she was doing nothing to be threatening.

"Kohaku, we need him alive… for now." Akiha ordered.

"But of course Akiha-sama. I'll go make the necessary preparations then." Kohaku left the room with an innocent hum, while the author wondered if he was going to leave this mansion alive… and in one piece.

"Um… maybe I should have asked earlier, but where am I?" The author asked.

"Why you're in the Tohno mansion." Turning to the child's voice, the author sprayed tea all over Ilya's form.

"You insolent dog, what have you done to Ilya-sama?!" Sella charged her hand with prana.

"It's the evil loli! Quick, run for your lives!" The author made a dash for the closest door but oddly found his feet not touching the ground. It took him a second to realize he was suspended off the ground thanks to Leysritt's halberd.

"You filthy dog… no, you brainless mongrel." Ilya, drenched in tea, already had her hands around the author's neck, wringing him with all her might… but wasn't exactly strong enough to do anything. But Ilya's pissed off look was enough to scare any author that made some mistakes in the past.

"Calm down Einzbern-san, it's unsightly to see you this way." And Akiha kept her cool composed nature.

"If you had gone through all the bullshit this author put me through, believe me, you would be ready to wring him out to dry!" Ilya raged on trying to crush the author's neck futilely, shaking him like a rag doll.

"S-stop please, I'm getting dizzy."

"Please explain what you mean by… bullshit, Einzbern-san."

"Akiha-sama, you shouldn't use such language. Think of what Shiki-san would say if he ever heard such a vulgar word come out of your mouth!" Kohaku suddenly busted in. The author's eyes noticed a small case in Kohaku's hand and saw something like a menacing aura from the things contained within.

"This brainless mongrel destroyed my chance to take my onii-chan!" Like a switch being flipped, all of Akiha's attention was solely focused on Ilya. "I mean for crying out loud! He writes a story saying that I'll be the heroine for once, yet I'm hardly in the main story! "

"That's horrible!" Akiha glared at the author for his incompetence.

"Even more so, the title had my Family's name it in, and my stupid grandpa got more limelight than me!"

"Did someone call for papa?" Acht suddenly appeared, while Ilya's face turned ghastly white.

There was an uneasy silence until Akiha finally asked, "And you are?" She was starting to get annoyed at all these uninvited guests.

"Please excuse my impolite entrance, I am Ilya-chan's pa-Plah?!" Acht's grandiose proclamation was interrupted as Ilya threw Leysritt's halberd in his face. Unfortunately the blunt part smacked him.

"After all that effort to lose him at the airport and subway, he still managed to follow me." Ilya cried full of sorrow.

"I apologize for the intrusion Akiha-sama, but this man claimed to be the head of the Einzbern house. I did not want to show any disrespect and showed him in." Hisui bowed.

"You… the head of the Einzbern house?" Akiha was dumbstruck.

With a cough to clear his throat, Acht suddenly showed a noble side as he nodded his head before introducing himself, "It's a pleasure to meet you Tohno-san. My name is Jubstacheit von Einzbern. Most call me old man Acht."

"W-well, the pleasure's mine Einzbern-san." Akiha gave her respects, unsure of what's going on anymore.

"Yes, and this is a most opportune moment to formulate another plan. You, young man, come here at once and we shall devise a full proof plan that cannot fail even with reason!" Acht's eyes were bloodshot red as he was pumped full of excitement, but the author was completely clueless as to why he was brought here… and how it was even possible for him to be even existing in this dimension.

"First, we need to find the biggest reception hall we can fi—" With a thundering crash, Acht face-planted the coffee table, but not before Hisui and Kohaku recovered all the food and tea to safety.

"Are you retarted?! The reason why the wedding got crashed was because it took so long with your flair for showing off!" Ilya grinded her grandfather's face into the floor.

"Wait, hold on a second! You already tried to hold a wedding ceremony?!" Akiha exclaimed.

"Yes, it was all going according to plan but a couple of snags hit the net. One thing led to another and just blew up out of proportion." Acht laughed before Ilya nuzzled his face again.

"Yeah, why didn't we just do a normal wedding and could have gone and done with it?! That evil witch is probably raping his body and soul as we speak!" Ilya started biting Acht, and a certain blonde character sneezed as she made a lovey-dovey meal with her sweetheart.

"So wait, this thing you're proposing… does this mean that-that I'll be marrying nii-san?!" Akiha's entire body flushed, her hair flashing vermillion for a brief second. A million lewd yet dreamy thoughts flashed like a wondrous kaleidoscope of delight.

"I mean no disrespect Akiha-sama, but since you are considered siblings among the general public. I don't think a wedding like this will be accepted very well." Hisui crushed the premature dream.

"That's right, the Tohno name is well known and if word got out that a brother and sister were to be engaged. It would be scandalous, and to think that I even relished such a forbidden thought." Akiha ruffled her hair in dissatisfaction.

"Not to worry, aristocrats have nothing to fear from inbreeding among—*Crash*." And again, Acht had his face smashed into the already demolished coffee table.

"Don't listen to him, he's going senile. But your problem is rather simple Tohno-san. All you have to do is reveal your brother's true identity." Ilya said.

"The tabloids would have a field day over this kind of thing!" Akiha screamed.

"But you would have a shiny ring on your finger."

"You… … have a point." Akiha surrendered.

"Oh my, so you're really going to go through with it Akiha-sama?" Kohaku giggled. "Now that both parties are in agreement, there's only one thing left to settle. Isn't there?" She glanced sideways, making the author physically jump. Now all eyes were concentrated on him.

"Yes, a certain someone must make penance lest divine punishment splits him asunder between his legs and up." Ilya's demonic face made the author shudder as he protected his family jewels.

"Now-now, my daughter who holds our magnificent circuits, revenge is a dish best served cold. We must plan this with utmost care as if stroking a kitten." Acht chuckled while many nefarious things were going on behind him.

Kohaku opened her briefcase and began to prepare syringes with mysterious blue-purple liquids. Hisui entered the kitchen for God knows what. And Akiha's eyes flashed vermilion before she said, "As I am in full support of Einzbern-san, you will do well to tread lightly, will you not? Mr. Author-san."

As the camera fades back to a shot of the Tohno mansion braving autumn's storm, not a soul heard a wild scream for help.

-Prelude Out-

~*~*~

Author's Notes:

Yes, I procrastinated. I've been playing too much video game late at night. And I've gotten addicted to some new anime with a near Type-Moon zeal. … … … not a very good time for this author, indeed.

And a final word, as the title said, a prelude to madness… only a prelude.

Footnotes:

"A freight train coming your way." – The little jab Kohaku made here is actually from a lyric by a band called Metallica. The original goes: "Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel was just a freight train coming your way."