Godzilla vs. Double Jeopardy!
By AtG
[A fanfare starts playing. The camera slowly pans in to show the stage.]
Narrator: THIS IS JEOPARDY! And here is your host, Alex Trebek!
[Camera pans in on Alex.]
Alex: Hey! And welcome to another game of Jeopardy! Today will be the second part of the Monster Series. The returning champions are:
[Camera jumps to Godzilla]
Alex: Godzilla, also know as the Gigantis the Fire Monster, current head of the Godzillian Party...
[Camera slides to the right]
Alex: Mothra, also know as The Thing, current Queen and Empress of Birth Island...
[Camera slides to the right again]
Alex: and Anguirus, also known as Anguirus, current president of the Godzilla fan-club.
Alex: Since it's been over a year since the last game, the judges have forgotten who won last time.
Anguirus: It was me. I won!
Alex: That being the case, they have decided to start all the players out from zero all over again.
Anguirus: But I won!
Alex: And now, here are the categories:
_______________________________________________________________________
How do you Spell That Again?Abbreviated Song TitlesGrammatically Incorrect Movie QuotesStay in School"Or" Don't
| $100 | $100 | $100 | $100 | $100 |
| $200 | $200 | $200 | $200 | $200 |
| $300 | $300 | $300 | $300 | $300 |
| $400 | $400 | $400 | $400 | $400 |
Alex: With the first category, you must spell out a word; with the second, name the song title ; with the third, give the name of the movie it's from; note the "or" in quotations in the last category, answers in that category will end in "or".
Mothra: (whispers to Godzilla) He had to explain almost all of them! You think they could have put in good titles, like in the regular game!
Godzilla: (whispers back) Must be budget cuts.
Alex: Sorry about having to explain almost all of the categories, we have had to cut back: good titles are expensive! Anyway, since the judges are on vacation with their mother, I get to choose who goes first! Pick a category, Godzilla!
Godzilla: I would like Grammatically Incorrect Movie Quotes, for $200.
Alex {ANSWER}: "Me are Batman"
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Batman!
Alex: Yes indeedy-do! Choose another!
Anguirus: I want the same category, for $400!
Alex {ANSWER}: "You was supposing to destroyed a Sith, not not not joinifying they!"
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Monty Python and the Holy Grail!
Alex: Wrongo!
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is Rocky XIII!
Alex: What in the world?!? That's wrong! And there were only twelve Rocky movies, by the way.
Godzilla: (sighs) What is Star Wars?
Alex: Please be more specific.
Godzilla: What is Star Wars ... (almost a whisper) Episode III?
Alex: Yes! You certainly don't like that movie!
Godzilla: ...
Alex: I only watched it 'cause Sony made me. Anyway, Godzilla, you pick.
Godzilla: I tire of this silly category, I choose "Or" Don't, for $800!
Alex: OooOOooo! Goin' for the big money!
Alex {ANSWER}: A fictional planet, whose fictional moon, inhabited by fictional characters, was almost destroyed by a fictional battle station, in the fictional world of the movie Star Wars, a work of fiction.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Gigantor?
Alex: Wrong movie!
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is Mordor?
Alex: That's ... not even a planet.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: Me again? What is Endor!
Alex: Correct! Pick your nose ... errm, next choice!
Godzilla: Oh, think think. "Or" Don't, for $200.
Alex {DAILY DOUBLE}: Congratulations! It's the first of the two daily doubles! How much would you like to wager?
Anguirus: Weren't we supposed to have one last time?
Alex: Umm ...... be quiet, it's not your turn! What do you wager, Godzilla?
Godzilla: Umm. Let's see. I have $1,200. I wager $554!
Alex: Very well, now for the clue.
Alex {ANSWER}: It's the pivotal conjunction uttered in Hamlet's famous speech.
Godzilla: Umm, errm, let's see ...... what is OR!
Alex: Yes! That is right!
Mothra: But it's just "or"! I could have guessed that!
Alex: Too bad you didn't pick it. Godzilla, please continue.
Godzilla: I want "Or" Don't, for $400, please.
Alex {ANSWER}: A legal term used to refer to someone under the age of 18.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is junior?
Alex: No.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is a senior!
Alex: No. Anybody else, Godzilla?
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is a minor?
Alex: Yes! Finally.
Mothra: And just what is THAT supposed to mean?
Alex: (sweats) Godzilla, go again.
Godzilla: Let's finish off "Or" Don't, for $600.
Alex {ANSWER}: It's what people are filled with upon seeing Godzilla tromp down the road in the city of Tokyo, on a Monday night.
Mothra [buzzes in]: (angrily) What is stupor?!?
Alex: No, not even close.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is horror?
Alex: Close, but no carrot!
Godzilla [buzzes in]: Do I have to answer all of these? What is terror?
Alex: Yes that's right! [looks at watch] Oh look! We've already missed one commercial break! Time for the second then.
[cut to commercial #1]
Gojira: Hi, my name is Gojira. Over the last few months, the Ghidoricans have been putting up vile and malevolent ads, calling me a 'fool' and claiming that we are wasteful. These claims are quite untrue. Just see what we, the Gojiracrats, have done for this country:
[shows a school; a little monster walks up to the camera]
Minilla: Mr. Gojira paid for my tuition. Now I can have a rich and complete education, thanks to the Gojiracrats.
[cuts back to Gojira]
Gojira: The Ghidoricans consistently voted against the bill that allowed little Minilla to get his education. Do you really want someone that doesn't care for children in office?
Slightly Less Politically Correct Announcer: This ad is part of the Vote for Gojira ad campaign.
[end commercial #1, cut to commercial #2]
[a Japanese man speaks in the background]
Nintendo Announcer: You've been waiting for months. Now it's here! Super Smash Bros. War!
[a video game battlefield of a platform with two smaller ones above it appears]
NA: See four of the new characters, never before seen in Smash Bros! See ...
[a man in green armor with a gold-tinted visor jumps unto the battlefield]
NA: Master Chief!
[a short, anthropomorphic orange bandicoot spins into sight]
NA: Crash Bandicoot!
[a giant, scaly hand smashes the top right platform]
NA: Godzilla!
[a tall, bearded man with a black hat and a circle-encircled star on his vest walks in]
NA: And Chuck Norris! See them battle!
[all the characters get into fighting stances except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris blinks at them, and they are all immediately KO'd.]
NA: Super Smash Bros. War! In stores 11/11/11!
ESRB Announcer: This game has not yet been rated.
[end commercial #2, cut back to Alex]
Alex: OK, since we already talked to the contestants last time, let's look at the scores so far:
_______________________
| $2,754 | -$2,200 | -$2,000 |
|Godzilla| Mothra |Anguirus|
Alex: Here is the board so far:
_____________________________________________________________________
How do you Spell That Again?Abbreviated Song TitlesGrammatically Incorrect Movie QuotesStay in School
| $100 | $100 | | $100 | |
| $200 | $200 | | $200 | |
| $300 | $300 | $300 | $300 | |
| $400 | $400 | $400 | $400 | |
Alex: Godzilla, it's your turn to choose. Again.
Godzilla: Hmm. Maybe I'll win with Abbreviated Song Titles, for $200.
Alex {ANSWER}: W.A.T.C.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is 'We are the Champions'!
Alex: Ye-
Mothra: Same, for $400!
Alex {ANSWER}: S.H.A.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is 'Sweet Home Alabama! Same, for $600!
Alex {ANSWER}: S. H. S. H. T. A. D. H. T. T.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is 'Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands'!
Alex: [looks at card with a surprised expression] Yes. That's right!
Mothra: I would like to finish the category.
[Alex still stares at the abbreviated song title]
Mothra: Some time today, please!
Alex: Oh, sorry! [looks at next card] Oh dear goodness, not another one of those.
Alex {ANSWER}: T. S. O. T. M. O. S. R, K. O. T. C. O. K. A, A. S. B. T. M. O. S. R., K. O. T. C. O. K. A, A. P. O. T. S. O. M. P. A. T. H. G, W. F. A. A. B. T. M. O. S. R, K. O. T. C. O. K. A.
Godzilla: What is 'I'm sick and tired of this category'?
Alex: No. Good thing you didn't buzz in, but yes, I am quite tired of this-
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is 'The Song of the Minstrel of Sir Robin, Knight of the Court of King Arthur, as sung by the Minstrel of Sir Robin, Knight of the Court of King Arthur, as part of the Soundtrack of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Which Featured an Appearance by the Minstrel of Sir Robin, Knight of the Court of King Arthur.'?
Alex: Yes. You're right. Even if you weren't, I think I would have given it to you anyway. Mothra runs away with the category. You must know your irritatingly annoying movie title abbreviations. (aside, to someone off-screen) Remind me never to suggest abbreviated song titles again. Ever.
Mothra: Since it seems I have completely owned that category, I would like Grammatically Incorrect Movie Quotes, for $600.
Alex {ANSWER}: "Life are not not not like an boxes of chocolate."
Mothra [buzzes in, again]: What is that movie with that dude on that desert island with the volleyball!
Alex: Sorry.
Mothra: But I can see him saying it!
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Forrest Gump?
Alex: Yes! Finally, someone else. Choose, and please get it right!
Anguirus: Finish that category!
Alex {ANSWER}: "I fighted an big fights! Now, where is was mine sons then!"
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is Rocky XII?
Alex: Yes! Quickly now. Only a minute to the next commercial break!
Anguirus: Stay in School, for $200!
Alex {ANSWER}: Of the Presidents the United States has had, he's the only one to consider entering the wooden denture dentist school.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: Who is Abraham Lincoln?
Alex: Sorry, wrong time period.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: Who is the awesomest and bestest president ever, George Washington?
Alex: Yes! Good job Anguirus, you're starting to come around. But before we continue, let's hear a few words from our sponsors!
[cut to commercial #3]
Nintendo Announcer: You've been waiting for months. Now it's here! Super Smash Bros. War!
[a small octagonal platform appears above a long distance-marked dirt track. The dirt track stretches past the edge of the screen and on. Stadium-like seating also stretches out in the background. Mario and a sandbag appear on the platform.]
NA: You've played Sand-bag Smash before, but you haven't played it like this!
[picture of Bowser appears on the sandbag. Mario gets mad, and knocks the sandbag off the screen.]
NA: Now, with the Customize Sandbag option, you can take a photo off the Wii message board or an SD card! Just imagine, you can now vent by putting in pictures of...
[Sandbag reappears in front of Mario. A middle-aged woman appears]
NA: All those mean school teachers!
[Sandbag clears. An old man appears]
NA: Bad neighbors!
[Sandbag clears. A politician, which one, I leave to your imagination, appears]
NA: And even annoying politicians!
[Mario smashes the sandbag off the screen again.]
NA: Super Smash Bros. War! In stores 11/11/11!
[end commercial #3, cut to commercial #4]
[the interior of a mid-sized shopping mart appears. A mother and two children are walking down an aisle, talking]
Mother: I really like the affordable prices here!
Boy: I like steak!
Girl: Yes! They have that, so we can all have delicious, fresh food!
Mother: And your father will be glad when he hears that all these groceries only cost $20! For a month's worth of food!
Boy: I like steak!
Mother: Just a few more items, and we can go home!
Girl: Mom, can I have a chocolate bar?
Mother: With the affordable pricing and great selection they have here at Sprout, sure you can!
[they walk to the cash register. After checking out, the Mother is about to pay when one the Manager walks up]
Manager: I see you like to shop here! Sprout is a different kind of store. We're something, hmm, well, we're something completely different!
[suddenly, five employees start singing a song in unison, and to the tune of 'Chopsticks'
Chorus: Sprout is a really nice place to go shopping, and we hope you'll come back again and again, again and again! We'll discount the pizza and mark down the cole slaw and lower the price of the bread, it's easy to save here, we'll...
Manager: And, for a limited time, if you spend $5,000 dollars or more on groceries, we'll give you a brand new set of Ginsu steak knives!
[the singing employees stop singing, jump on the conveyor belt, and start doing the Can-Can]
Mother: Umm, I think we'll be leaving, now.
Manager: But what about your groceries?
Mother: We weren't really that hungry anyway. You can keep them! Kids, let's go.
[the three make a swift exit out the automatic front doors]
Boy: I like steak!
[end commercial #4, cut back to Alex]
Alex: It seems this round is about to wrap up. Here's the score card:
_______________________
| $2,554 | -$200 | -$400 |
|Godzilla| Mothra |Anguirus|
Alex: And the remaining categories:
_____________________________________________________________________
How do you Spell That Again?Stay in School
| $100 | | | $100 | |
| $200 | | | $200 | |
| $300 | | | $300 | |
| $400 | | | $400 | |
Alex: Since Anguirus got it last time, thank goodness, he will go again.
Anguirus: Stay in School, for 400 bucks!
Alex {ANSWER}: After starring in Rocky VIII, Sylvester Stallone opened this school in Philadelphia, earning him the nick name 'The Scholar Boxer'.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is the Philadelphia Academy for the Art and Science of Boxing?
Alex: Yo Mothra, that's right!
Mothra: $600
Alex {ANSWER}: This multi-millionaire went to Harvard, only to land himself on an uncharted desert island for 15 years.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: Who is Bill Gates!
Alex: No.
Anguirus: Donald Trump?
Alex: No. Your time is almost up.
Anguirus: (mutters to self) What would Gilligan do? (suddenly remembering, Anguirus makes a sudden exclamation) Who is Thurston Howell III!
Alex: That was a good ... waste of time. Pick again.
Anguirus: Let's close that school category down!
Alex {ANSWER}: It's the number value of the Guinness Record of the most times a high-schooler failed to graduate.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: (triumphantly) What is 1,337 times!
Alex: Yes! But how would you know that?
Anguirus: It wasn't me!
Alex: Pick again.
Anguirus: How do you Spell That Again, for $200.
Alex {ANSWER}: According to a non-prescription drug commercial, it's how America spells the word heard here:
Announcer: Relief.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is R-E-L-I-E-F!
Alex: Wrong.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is R-O-L-A-I-D-S?
Alex: Wrong again. Anguirus?
Anguirus [buzzes in]: (snickers) What is F-A-R-T?
Alex: That's ... correct! Choose a clue.
Anguirus: $400
Alex {ANSWER}: This hardened piece of metal can be used to hold a tent to the ground.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is S-T-E-A-K?
Alex: Sorry, wrong steak.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is S-T-A-K-E?
Alex: Yes!
Godzilla: (growls deeply)
Anguirus: $600!
Alex: A spike-shelled monster that Godzilla often defeats.
Anguirus [buzzes in]: What is M-E?
Alex: Hmm. Since the judges are gone, and I am the interim judge, I'll allow that. Now, for the final clue.
Alex {ANSWER}: According to Mary Poppins, it has some relation to a spoonful of sugar and medicine.
Godzilla [buzzes in]: What is Y-U-C-K?
Alex: You're right, but you're wrong. About the answer.
Mothra [buzzes in]: What is S-U-P-E-R-C-A-L-I-F-R-A-G-I-L-I-S-T-I-C-E-X-P-E-A-L-I-D-O-C-I-O-U-S!
Alex: What? Well, that's close enough for me, so you get it. Now, it's time to look at the clue for Final Jeopardy. The clue is-
[on-screen motion freezes. Jack Lord's voice can be heard in the background]
Jack Lord: This is Jack Lord inviting you to be with us next week for Final Jeopardy! See Godzilla threaten Alex! See Mothra spell more crazy acronyms! See Anguirus not totally fail! Be there! Aloha.
[cue Hawaii 5-0 theme song]
Hawaii 5-0
Starring:
Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett
Douglas MacArthur as Danny Williams
[music suddenly slows and stops]
Caption: We are having technical difficulties. Please wait while the situation is taken care of.
[Jeopardy! Theme starts up]
Jeopardy!
Starring:
Jack Lord as Alex Trebek
Douglas MacArthur as Johnny Gilbert