The perfect woman (Episode 1, Do I know you?)

"I'm marrying the perfect woman!" Ted announced, covering his mouth as he belched. He took another long swig of his beer. "I'm marrying a woman who loves Star Wars!"

Ted, Marshall and Barney were seated in their regular booth at McLaren's. It was getting perilously near to last call and they were all pretty wasted. The celebration had started early.

"To the perfect woman! To STAR WARS!" Marshall saluted Ted with his beer. Both Ted and Barney clinked their bottles together in a show of solidarity.

"The perfect woman…" Marshall repeated with a sigh. "The perfect woman is beautiful, loving, caring and generous," he said. Ted and Barney both nodded emphatically. "She'll look after you, even when you've lost your job."

Barney snorted. "Oh come on! How many times have I got to offer to help out, Marshall?"

Marshall waved his hand at Barney. "Dude, I've got an interview on Monday. I don't need your help." When Barney's face fell, he quickly backtracked. "Yet… Hey, brother. If this one goes south, I'll be knocking on your door."

Ted was waving his beer around, looking slightly cross-eyed. "You left one thing out, Marshall. The perfect woman is intelligent!"

Barney snorted, practically choking on his beer. "You have got to be kidding me!"

Marshall laughed. "Oh now… now… I know you like smart women, Barney. Don't say it's not a turn on." Ted made noises of agreement.

Barney laughed. "When I'm banging a chick, conversation's, like, the last thing on my mind. KnowwhatImeanMarshall?" He grinned, raising his hand and getting a reluctant high-five from his friend.

Ted shrugged. "Well, I kind of know what you mean." Marshall looked horrified. "Well, you know! Stella and I don't really talk so much."

Barney gave Ted a lecherous wink. "I always thought that Stella had something of the bimbo about her!"

Marshall rolled his eyes. "You're both disgusting!"

"Oh come on, Marshall, don't be such a pussy. You know Ted was only joking…" Barney winced suddenly, clutching his side and causing Ted to sit up and Marshall to half-rise to his feet.

"Are you okay, Dude?" Marshall asked, anxiously.

Barney waved him away, scowling. "I'm fine! Jesus. Come on. It's just heartburn. I told you. Will you stop treating me like I'm an invalid? I haven't had any trouble in weeks now!"

Marshall frowned at him. "Barney, you don't have to be brave about it. Do you have your meds?"

Barney gave Marshall a withering look. "What are you, my mother?"

Ted turned towards him. "Barney, Marshall's right. You were in a major accident, like, three months ago. Your physiotherapist says it's a miracle that you're walking around at all."

"It's a miracle I'm still sitting here listening to you two. If I wanted a three way, there are a couple of real girls over at the bar there…" He stuck his thumb out at the general direction of the bar, not turning around.

"They left, like a half hour ago!" Marshall laughed.

Barney looked surprised and glanced over to check. "Damn." He let out a bark of laughter. "Well, that's another thing to add to your list of the perfect woman, Marshall. She's got to stick around. The worst ones are the ones that reel you in and then leave you hanging." He sighed wistfully.

Ted grinned. "You struck out with a few girls lately?"

Barney cocked his head. "So asks Mr Married here!"

Ted laughed. "Not yet, my man. But soon… very soon."

Barney caught Marshall's slight look of disapproval and thought "Interesting…!"

"Well, Barney can get turned down by hot, intelligent women any night of the week." Marshall said, getting reluctantly to his feet. "I've got a woman upstairs who'll tan my hide if I don't get to bed before she falls asleep."

Barney looked interested. "Oh really? I always had Aldrin down as a dominatrix. I think it's the hair…"

Marshall laughed. "Barney, stop lusting after my wife! You're just jealous."

Ted got up to leave too. "I'm jealous. Jealous that your woman is upstairs and I've had too much to drink to even think about making the trip out to New Jersey tonight."

"Get to bed, old people." Barney said, although he followed them out of the bar. "Later, suckers!"

As Marshall and Ted made their unsteady way up to their apartment, Barney stood in the street, breathing in great lung-fulls of ozone-filled air and trying to sober up enough to hit another bar. He didn't feel much like spending the night alone lately.