Disclaimer: I do not owner either Harry Potter, or Twilight characters.

Warning: Please be well updated to AT LEAST all four Twilight books and up to Goblet of Harry Potter. If you are not, you will remain ignorant to the jokes.

It was our favorite Golden Trio walking along the corridors of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Only, they were not alone. With them were our favorite hunky, gorgeous, orgasmic, molestable vampire, Edward Cullen, and his accident prone girlfriend, Bella. They were the new students, along with the rest of the Cullens and Jacob Black.

"Hey, you guys! Wait up!" Speaking of which, Jacob, our little cuddly werewolf (HA!) came running up to the group. "Whatcha' guys up to?" he asked, scanning the group, giving a coquettish smile to Hermione, who in turn, blushed.

"Hey, Jake. We were just walking. Kind of looking for everyone else. Seen an-" Bella turned to speak to Jacob and tripped on her foot. Luckily, Edward was there to catch her in time. Some of the others chuckled. "Thanks, Edward." Bella readjusted herself and started walking again. "But seriously, Jake. Have you seen anyone? They just seemed to disappear."

"Nope. Haven't seen, or smelled, either of them. Sorry, Bells."

"They might be eating in the Great Hall." All heads turned to look stoically at Ron.

"Really, Ron. Vampires don't eat food. Haven't you read 'Hogwarts; A History' yet? Hermione scolded.

"Why would I read it when you can just tell me everything that's in it? That's a waste of time." Ron replied.

"You're a waste of time." Hermione briskly picked up her speed, Ron following her, yelling a "what's that supposed to mean!"

"So, little guy, you seem to know your way around the school. Where are places people hide in here?" Jacob raised his eyebrows, looking down at Harry. Harry blushed, "well-" he started, but was cut short.

"Jacob! What happened to your shirt! You have to be clothed in school! We aren't in Washington anymore!" Bella yelped. Edward chuckled at her outburst, and Harry blushed, if possible, even more. ("Poof!" Ron.)

"Heh, heh, sorry, must have not noticed," he scratched the back of his head. "Now, little guy- ("Harry"), yah, Harry. Where are secret passage ways, fake walls, or holes in the floor that anyone might have fallen in?

" I'm not so sure about holes in the floor, but there are tons of secret passage ways and rooms."

"Well, come on then, nancy! Show us the way!" Jacob patted Harry roughly on the back which Harry returned with a glare.

"Why do we have to help them look? It's not like we really know them or anything." Ron murmured gloomily to Hermione. It didn't really matter though, only Harry and Bella couldn't hear the comment.

"Stop complaining, Ronald! They need us to help them around the castle. Harry can't do it alone. And it is no use murmuring in the presence of a werewolf and vampire!" Hermione had stopped to yell at him.

"Oh, please do continue the murmuring. It's quite amusing." Jacob gave a toothy grin, followed by a sudden stop in his movement and his nose thrust up in the air.

"Well, there must be a disturbance in the force. Do you smell something? Hear anything?" Bella walked up to Jacob while questioning him, futile as it was, Jacob sped off farther down the hallway. "Jake! Wait up! We better follow so he doesn't get lost." Bella clumsily took off after the wolf. The others looked at each other and followed, though not as much enthusiasm as the girl.

A few twists and turns in the halls led the wolf and lamb to a pair of intricate golden doors. Their faces contorted with confusion as the doors shook and dust slowly cascaded from the walls. "What is in there?" Bella stood shocked and fearful at what was behind the doors. "Do you think they are in there?" She asked worriedly.

Jacob was as equally stunned. He hadn't registered the question until Bella wacked him on the arm. "I- I really don't know, Bells. There are way too many smells mixing to tell what exactly is in there." As Jacob finished this sentence the rest of the group meandered to the doors.

"Do vampires bathe?" Ron turned to Hermione who would obviously have the answer. She narrowed her eyes at him at first, then a studios look took vacancy on her face.

"I doubt it. What need do they have to bathe for? And even if they did decide to take a relaxing wash, well, as you can see, it seems like a bit of destruction is going on in there. Anyways, you need a password to get in the Prefects Bath. You can't just stroll your way on in there." Hermione was met by questioning looks from both Bella and Jacob.

"Prefects Bath? What is that? Some royal bathing room, or something?" Jacob walked over to the frizzy haired girl.

"Yes, Jacob. That is the gist of it. The Head Boys and Girls may use it as well as Quidditch captains and Prefects; hence the name." She answered him with a bit of arrogance in her voice, and continued on, "but that does not explain why your friends would be in there. Neither of them is at any of those statuses, and they obviously do not know the password."

Jacob turned on her, "first of all, little lady," Hermione furrowed her brows at this comment, "they are not my friends. They are Bell's. Second, we are dealing with vampires here. Manipulative, future seeing, vampires. And third, get us in there."

"Al-alright," Hermione stammered while walking closer to the door.

"Jacob! You didn't have to scare her! Scaring someone is not going…to…help…" Bella dragged off at the end after Hermione had called out "Pine Fresh" and the large double doors opened.

Now, this, my friends, is when all hell broke loose. What our group stumbled upon, you see, was a plethora of jaw dropping, eye widening madness too shocking for this website.

*Censor*

Just kidding! I can't do that. I spent too long on this.

Now, what really happened was indeed scandalous to say the least. Eyes followed Emmett and Rosalie, who were "breaking houses" all over the stalls, water shooting out from broken pipes. Ceramic pieces were flying everywhere creating obnoxious noises.

In the middle of the room, next to the giant tub in the center, was a pair of men. One was obviously the gorgeous, blonde vampire, Jasper, who was wearing a flowery nightgown. The other was another inhumanly stunning blonde, clearly vampire, standing next him seemingly berating him, holding up a school uniform.

"Just put them on, Jasper. You can't walk around like that. Students are getting worried-"

"Students are wearing robes just like this all around. I just added some personality to mine." Jasper said stubbornly.

"Those are for women to sleep in, Jasper. The boys here wear these," Carlisle emphasized on the uniform, "during school and day hours."

"I'm not putting that on," said Jasper in indignation. "I like a healthy breeze 'round my privates, thanks."

Eyes roamed to the floor, watching as a dirty, worn out hat was circling the room. In tow, following the hat was the pixie-like vampire, Alice. Said vampire was agitatedly yelling "get back here! My everything-must-be-perfect-pretty-and-clean complex will not let me rest until you are subdued!" to the hat.

"Will you shut it and leave me alone you infuriating girl! I have been here longer than you could imagine and I will not tolerate disrespect to your elders!" The hat yelled back at her. "Hey! Wait! What do you-!" Alice had finally caught up to the hat and held the tip with her slender fingers. She picked the hat from the floor and a pop sounded throughout the room. Lucky if anyone heard it with all the calamity going on. Where the hat had ceased its escape now sat a little child; a young girl about the age of three.

The young girl looked towards the door at Bella and beamed. "Mommy!" She crawled towards the startled human and waited at her feet to be picked up. "I'm Rennesme! Your half vampire, half human daughter!" She looked over at Jacob and smiled, if possible, even wider.

"Oh, shit. I'm in love with an infant." The only words Jacob could say. This knocked Bella out of her stupor as she tackled Jacob to the floor yelling about pedophilic wolves and unbelievable imprinting. The Golden Trio looked repulsed by the actions of their new class mates. They scanned over the broken stalls, to the man in the floral nightgown, to the crazy girl dusting off the sorting hat, and finally landing on the child who watched the muggle fight with the wolf with interest.

However, their eyes went back to the middle of the room when noises were heard from the tub. Slowly the water started to ripple as something was rising to the top. A small pair of gray ears broke the surface followed by the round of and equally gray and white head. The head of a wolf had fully emerged from the water, its tongue lolling happily from its mouth. The rest of the wolf just seemed to be lifted from the bottom of the large bath to the top. When it was fully visible, it looked to be seated, floating, right on top of the water.

"Seth!" Jacob yelled to the small wolf, after he was situated from the debacle. The dog just smiled lamely. "What are you-" Jacob was cut off when the wolf started to rise once more. This time another head appeared underneath him. It was a bald, pale white, head. Eyes opened up to red, cat-like, pupils with a malicious gleam.

"Voldemort!" The three gasped. The man looked truly evil. Well, he did, before he started coughing up water while trying to make threats.

"Here I am, trying to prove my wickedness, and I sputter all over, making a fool of myself." He then realized the pressure on his head and his eyes floated upward to the wolf. "You are not Greyback! Get!" The dog scampered out of the room, tail between his legs. Voldemort stepped out of the bath and used his wand to dry himself.

"That man gets to wear a dress and I'm stuck with a uniform! At least I look good!" Jasper flailed.

"It is not a dress! It is a robe, thank you!" He yelled to the melodramatic 'teen'. "Now, if Mr. Days of Our Lives will let me finish," he glared over to Jasper, "I would like to get to the matter of things." He walked forward, his voice booming. Emmett and Rosalie stilled in a heap, Alice quite her chiding to the hat; all eyes were on the figure in the middle. Voldemort was in an intimidating stance when possibly the most flamboyant voice emerged from the mouth. "How do you think the entrance was? I'm trying to get it right for my big comeback at the end of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Coming out of a cauldron isn't as easy as it sounds, you know."

The whole roomed was stunned to silence. Voldemort stood waiting for an answer, impatiently.

"I'm farting, and leaving."

And that was exactly what Edward Anthony Masen Cullen did.

Just for some info, the quote that Edward says at the end was something my cousin said one day and has forever remained hilarious to me.

Thank you for reading! I hope you were as entertained as I was.