Patient File 02089
Name: SCHIFFER, Ulquiorra
Age/D.O.B: 27/???
Gender: Male
Blood Type: B-
Date Admitted: March 18th

Ulquiorra suffers from a severe form of depression, which had lead to numerous suicide attempts inside and outside the facility. The reasons for this depression are unknown, but it may connected to his job (Formerly a high school biology and German teacher). We are unsure though, as he is reluctant to talk to our therapists.

He is very antisocial, and generally uninterested in most things. However he has shown an interest in a book series entitled 'bunny suicides'He has also formed an awkward friendship with INOUE, Orihime (see patient file 44563). However whether he seeks her company or hazardous cooking has yet to be confirmed.

Patient File 44563
Name: INOUE, Orihime
Age/D.O.B: 19/September 3
Gender: Female
Blood Type: O+
Date Admitted: July 31st

Orihime was admitted after the death of her older brother (Car Accident). The trauma of loosing her last living family member is likely the trigger to her was admitted by a workmate when a 'voice' told her to put rat poison into the Gespatcho To date we have identified 6 voices, each with distinct personalities and varying degrees of danger. They are known as Hinagiku, Baigon, Lilly, Shuuno, Ayame, and Tsubaki.

She has stopped listening to them to a certain extent however Tsubaki continues to be a problem. His bullying is what creates the dangerously unhealthy concoctions, apparently.
Orihime has recently been seen getting close to Ulquiorra.

0843 HRS
Chief Supervisor Yamamoto has arrived. Thankfully the patients are behaving for once.
Rukia's cravings have begun. She put toffee flavour ice-cream sauce and gherkins on her bacon sandwich this morning. She took one bite and gave it to Ichigo (who turned into Shiro, who refused to eat it.) before running to the bathroom.

I am unsure as to whether this was due to the taste or the morning sickness. I tried to ask her but Shiro threatened me with Zangetsu.
He is very protective of the 'Future Heir'

Chief Supervisor Yamamoto asked me how I let one of my patients get pregnant, much less by another patient. I told him if he didn't know by the end of the day, a miracle has occurred. Chad is mumbling to (the almighty) Yuichi suspiciously. Unfortunately, I cannot speak Aztec so I do not know what he is saying.

1042 HRS
I take back what I said about the patient behaving.
Chad has sent everything into chaos.

That infernal bird of his has learned how to talk.
Chad was trying to feed him the remains of Rukia's sandwich when it started yakking away about play parks mommy and ice-cream in everyday Japanese. All the while referring to our resident Aztec as 'Ojii-Chan'
To say chad had a conniption fit would be an understatement. He started mumbling and thanks to Ichigo's translation (I still have to get Renji those bonbons. Blackmailing little brat…) we learned that he has placed the blame ot (the almighty) Yuichi's so-called desecration on Supervisor Yamamoto.

This is no laughing matter!
He attacked him with a fire extinguisher!
Zaraki had to knock him out with his kendo sword so we could lock him up in solitary.

Supervisor Yamamoto was slightly traumatized. He works in an office all day so he's not used to normal patients, let alone ours. He has been given a seat and a cup of tea by Orihime.

I advised him not to drink the tea if he valued his life.

1207 HRS
Supervisor Yamamoto is quickly becoming irksome. His snide comments on how 'poorly guided' the patients are. I find this very insulting. Clearly Yamamoto has never been to a high security (Pft. High security my foot) hospital before.

Rukia broke out of solitary confinement in under 9 hours using a spoon to chisel though a wall.
A spoon.

And she only has an inferiority complex!
That is mild when compared to her stupid boyfriend!
And we wont even go into Gin…
These patients are far from normal and Yamamoto calls them poorly guided?!

If it wasn't illegal I'd shoot him full of sedatives myself.
Maybe Zaraki or Ichigo will get him with their swords if I bribe them…

*NOTE* Find out who taught that blasted bird to speak, and find a way to have their vocal chords removed.
The bloody thing wont shut up now.

1324 HRS
Chad's isolation seems to have had a negative effect on Ichigo.
They have a strange sort of friendship going on, and usually 'talk' for at least an hour each day. With Chad in solitary Ichigo has no one to talk to during activity hour at 2PM.

He is currently talking his reflection on the back of his soup spoon. This means he is talking to either Shiro or 'old man Zangetsu' and thus, is suffering a relapse.
Knowing my luck it will be Shiro.

Supervisor Yamamoto however, disagrees. He is under the impression that Ichigo is finally coming to peace with his other personality(s) and so, is making progress.

I say these are my patients and I know them best.
I.E.; Yamamoto is delusional.

The day Ichigo and Shiro learn to get along is the same day that Yoruchi will wear clothes voluntarily (as in, she puts them on by herself).

1406 HRS
Ichigo has managed to find the art materials (they have been missing for six months. I suspect Gin and/or Urahara for this.) and is now making something out of papier mache.
I think it is a mask since he keeps sticking his face into the newspaper-mache goop.

He keeps yelling swear words rather loudly as well.
With any luck he will get glue up his nose.

Supervisor Yamamoto is overjoyed that Ichigo is 'pursuing a healthy and creative recreational activity'
Supervisor Yamamoto is mistaken.

None of the recreational facilities here are healthy for our patients.
Especially for me.

However because it would be a violation of human rights to deprive them of these 'recreational activities' I have to put up with them.
The fact they make my job ten times harder is not important, apparently.

1625 HRS
Ichigo has decided that Supervisor Yamamoto's existence is a threat to his un-born child (though whether its his or Shiro's is debatable with the way Shiro get so protective of it).

He put on his mask and, joy of joys, ladies and gentlemen say hello to 'Shiro high on ecstasy!'
Zangetsu also appears to have been sharpened at some point (can you even sharpen plastic?)
Once again, supervisor Yamamoto is recovering in the infirmary.

We have locked Shiro in solitary confinement but the lack of effect from the sedatives is worrying me.
I hope they haven't gone past the use-by date again…

I have confiscated Zangetsu and sent it to Kurotsuchi's assistant for testing (Kurotsuchi is still suspended.), I refuse to believe that thing is made of plastic.

*NOTE* Find a small reward for Ichigo and Shiro. Even they have their uses at time.
I was considering killing Yamamoto myself, I was just having trouble with the alibi.

1733 HRS
I just saw Yoruchi put on a coat.
Considering Ichigo and Shiro teamed up to plot the supervisors demise I must grudgingly admit that Yamamoto was right about their learning to gat along.

1737 HRS
I take that back. They only had a common interest.
I just heard them arguing over how to escape solitary confinement.

Use their 'contacts' or have Shiro use something called Cero. I also heard something about a 'Black Getsuga'
Rukia told them to shut up, get themselves out, and get rid of 'the fat, old, nuisance of a bastard'

1801 HRS
HOW DID RUKIA GET INTO THE SOLITARY ROOM WITHOUT UNLOCKING IT?!

*NOTE* Forbid Rukia from going near the cutlery as a precautionary measure (except for mealtimes).
Also find out what 'Cero' and 'Black Getsuga' are.

1816 HRS
Yamamoto has finally woken up.

He has decided to focus on the other patients for I while.
I do not think this is advisable, but I refrained from informing him of my opinion.
He would just ignore it.

He can get what's coming to him for all I care.

And I know something is coming to him.
They patients have been shooting him glares all day.
They've been having a conference In the supply cupboard on ward 10 for the past three hours.

I wish them luck in whatever they are plotting.

1923 HRS
Supervisor Yamamoto has been poisoned (by Orihime), hissed and clawed at (by Yoruchi), beautified (by Yumichika and Matsumoto), been clobbered with bricks (by Renji), given 5,793 tips on hoe NOT to commit suicide (by Ulquiorra), challenged to 462 duels (Ikkaku and Zaraki), been lectured on the deeds of little john and robin hood (by Ishida), told his house will be constantly snowed in for three years (by Toushiro), and given a lecture on the 369 possible ways he ay be failing in life (by Rukia), told the difficulties of being blind (by Tousen), given 81 pointers on achieving world domination (by Aizen), and asked 'how ya' doin?' 43 times whilst being smiled at (by Gin) and given a psychiatric evaluation (By Isshin).

He is clearly not used to dealing with patients in general, let a lone ones such as ours.
He doesn't have the level of patience required to maintain personal sanity.
Look at Kurotsuchi; he's a throw of the dice away from becoming a patient himself!

1959 HRS
Supervisor Yamamoto has officially fled the building.

Isshin gave him the results of his psychiatric evaluation and for once Isshin has done us all a favour.
Yamamoto almost ran out, mumbling about resignation notices and kerosene.

Despite the silver lining I am worried about how cleverly the patients managed to drive the idiot out.
Only a select few could come up with a plan like that, and one of them is Gin!

Not to mention Chad hasn't woken up yet...

2146 HRS
I finally discovered what has been going on behind the scenes.

Chad was pretending to be asleep so it would give Ichigo a reason to attack the old goat.
The other patients then responded to Ichigo's punishment.
Chad informs me that (the almighty) Yuichi has been able to speak for 6 months (Ichigo translated… again).

Incidentally, it was Gin and Urahara who came up with the whole shenanigan.

*NOTE* Never let Urahara and Gin stay in the same room together for more than an thirty minuets.
Ever. The damage they could cause is too terrifying to think about.

2239 HRS
The head office called.
The patients did more damage to Yamamoto that I had originally thought.

He tried to burn down his office, but he accidentally set his beard on fire instead.
He is being admitted after the burns have healed properly.

His assistant told me to 'beware Ryuujin Jakka'

2257 HRS
Noises are emerging from Urahara's room (he calls it a laboratory), however I cant get in to find out what hes doing.
Yoruchi is guarding the doorway and she tries to claw my face off every time I get within five inches of her range.
And she has a very wide range.

I suspect Urahara bribed her with mackerel again.
I can smell fish.

0148

CRASH. BOOM. CRASH. BONK. BANG.

"I did it! Yoruchi, its finally finished!"
"Meow!"

"KEEP IT DOWN HAT AND CLOGS"
"EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL MASH YA WITH ZANGETSU!"
"ICHIGO! SHIRO! SHUT UP! IM TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP HERE!"

"Sorry Rukia.."
"Keh… Stupid Bitch… OW! OW! OW! ALRIGT! ALRIGHT! IM SORRY! LEGGO! LEGGO OF MA EAR"!"

WHACK. BANG CRASH.

"NASTY MAN! WEAVE WUKIA AWONE!"
"FUCK OFF YOU GOODDAMN BRAT!"

………Why do I even work here?