browniechadowes: I am now going to give you a taste of the new parody hitting the web. No more crazy updating until tomorrow… mainly due to the fact that everyone is still wallowing in the pit of discarded characters, and Bella and Edward are slightly incapacitated. I have asked Bella to at least sober up enough to get through the prologue. We shall see. Maestro!

Orchestra: *drumrolls*

browniechadowes: I give you the third installment of Stephenie Meyer and the Renegade Characters. However, I must warn you, I do not own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, or any of Stephenie's lame jokes… I would like to make the latter quite clear.

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I's Too Drunk To Talk Bout Death

browniechadowes: *dousing Bella with cold water* Now, Bella, just toddle on over there and say what you need to say.

Bella: Mmmmkay. With ice in my heart, I watched him prepare to defend me. At this moment, his family was fighting for their lives just as surely as he was for ours. – Stephie, hey Stephie? *taps Stephenie on the shoulder*

Stephenie: Yes, Bella?

Bella: This mean thad Emmett's gonna getta fight?

Stephenie: Most likely not.

Bella: Awww. *squints trying to read manuscript, turning it upside down* Urgghhh, Steph, I's too drunk to talk bout death.

Stephenie: *shocks Bella with tazer*

Bella: Ouch. Wow. Note to self: Electric currents take the tequila right back out of you. I still don't get why we have to start out every novel with me in some situation where someone's about to die. It's so fucking melodramatic.

Stephenie: Look, Bella. I have been nice. I have been hard on you. I have tried to ignore you. I have shocked you, murdered bagels in front of you, and set my evil monkey after you. I have threatened to delete you. Let's face it, you're still here and crowing about prologues… again. You know you're going to go through with it, so just get it over with.

Bella: *sighs* Would I ever find out who the winners and the losers were? Would I live long enough for that? The odds didn't look so great. The moment when I would surely die. – Gah, Steph, I wish you would kill me off and just get it over with.

Stephenie: Later, Bella, later. *under breath* After you have carried the seed of Edward's undead existence to fruition.

Bella: ?

Stephenie: Nothing. Go on.

Bella: Somewhere, far, far away, a wolf howled.

Edward: *stumbles into view, drenched in whipped cream and Jell-o* Dunchooo worry, Bells, it's just Emmett howling. He founda pit fulla whip cream, loofas, and naked persons. Hee hee. Naked.

Aro: Where did you run off to, my little cream puff?

Bella: Ughh. *knocks Aro over the head with the tequila bottle and chugs for dear life* Can't believe I'm doing this shit again.