Date Originally Posted: January 7, 2009
Title: The Hat
Series: Bleach
Rating: G
Characters: Shunsui Kyoraku. Nanao Ise. The Hat. Spot of Ukitake.
Pairing: Um. Shunsui/hat?
Spoilers: Nothing particular. Just mentions of kido spells.
Word Count: 553
DISCLAIMER: Bleach is Kubo Tite's.

NOTE: This was inspired from a Christmas card I sent to bearlyhapnin on LJ. In people's cards I drew Zaraki with red and green hair and a star eyepatch. Then I added little "Dear Santa" notes. Hers had one from Shunsui asking for a new hat because Nanao burned his. (I think. I can't exactly remember what I wrote.) So then we were talking via LJ and said how we could see Shunsui and Ukitake having a funeral for the hat and Nanao looking irritated. Then my brain went with it.

The Hat

Shunsui Kyoraku and paperwork went together like oil and water. Orange juice and toothpaste. Matsumoto and high collared sweaters. Hitsugaya and height requirements at amusement parks. Komamura and fox hunting parties.

Which was why he wasn't terribly concerned for the stacks of paper when he accidentally knocked over his saké jug. The same, however, could not be said for the actual saké.

The papers quickly soaked up the saké causing the ink to run. Shunsui momentarily considered sucking the saké out of the paper but decided Nanao wouldn't approve of seeing his mouth ink stained. Again.

Nanao! Oh she was going to kido his butt when she saw the paperwork. Shunsui quickly grabbed his hat and moved for the door.

Unfortunately Nanao was just returning from the restroom. She took one look at the paperwork and the guilty look on her captain's face.

"Taicho!" Nanao ground out. She took aim and cried, "Hadō 31, Shakkahō!"

Shunsui's eyes widened and he ducked. Unfortunately, his beloved straw hat was mostly reduced to charred bits. Tears sprang to his eyes as he fell to his knees.

"NO!"

---

"Dearly beloved, we have gathered here to day to say goodbye to a dear, dear friend," a voice said solemnly.

Nanao glanced around in disbelief under lowered lashes. Why were there so many people here?

Dozens of shinigami dressed in formal garb gathered around a large sakura tree that Nanao knew to be one of her captain's favorites. In the middle stood Shunsui and Ukitake. The white haired man had a hand patting his friend's back.

Before them was a hole in the ground and a wooden box.

Somehow, Nanao knew what was in the box.

The charred remains of Shunsui's straw hat.

Nanao could not believe she was actually standing here, witnessing a funeral for that stupid hat.

"-so Kyoraku-taicho told me to use The Hat so I wouldn't get wet from the rain. The Hat saved me from catching a cold!"

"-the Annual Saké then Snowball Fight with Eleventh. I was allowed to use The Hat as a valiant shield! You should have seen Kuze when I nailed him in the face!"

"The Hat is just so sexy!"

"The Hat will be sorely missed!"

This was beyond ridiculous. Various members of the Eight and some from other companies were speaking up about that damned hat. She glanced at the position of the sun and inwardly groaned as she was being forced to use valuable daytime for this inane event.

It was then that she noticed the other shinigami were slowly edging away from her. Perhaps it had be leaked that she was the destroyer of the beloved hat or maybe they felt the irritation rolling off her in waves. It didn't matter as long as this spectacle ended soon.

Another twenty minutes passed and Nanao could feel her left eye twitching. Finally, her captain was drawing things to a close. She heard him thank everyone for attending and then- No. He wasn't. He was not inviting them all to go drinking.

"Kyoraku-taicho! You have to go do your paperwork," she ordered. "Now."

"But lovely Nanao-chan, I am distraught! There is no way I can do paperwork in this state," he whimpered.

"Paperwork. Now," she ground out. "Or the pink haori is the next thing to go."

"Jyuu-chan!" Shunsui cried while clinging to his friend. "Did you hear that? Nanao-chan is systematically removing my clothes!"

"Hadō 54, Haien!"

OMAKE

A short while ago in a Company far, far away sat Yama-jii with his faithful sidekick Sasakibe Chōjirō. "Sasakibe-san. I sense a disturbance in the force... As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced... Ah, Shunsui must have irritated his lieutenant again."

A/N: The omake is from more babblings of bearlyhapnin and myself. As she says, the voices were silenced by the sight of Shunsui's haori bursting into flames.

I'm not entirely sure what sort of animal Komamura is. I think he looks like a fox. So that's why I had him and fox hunting parties together. Fox hunting consists of a bunch of dogs hunting down a red fox for sport. Nice, huh?

Hadō 31, Shakkahō- Shot of Red Fire - Fires a ball of red energy at the target. In the anime, there's a part from when Renji is back in the academy. That's the kido he uses when he manages to mess up and end up all ashy.

Hadō 54, Haien - Abolishing Flames - Fires a blast of purple spirit energy that will incinerate a target completely when it makes contact. Manga chapter 213.

And yes. I made up the 'Annual Saké then Snowball Fight' with Eleventh. I could see the companies going and getting smashed then challenging each other to a snowball fight. DRUNKEN DISORDER!

Oneshot! Because my attention span is pathetic.