DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£).

NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. Hope you enjoy.

To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Jackass'

From: sabakut acc. edu 'Temari'

Subject: Your impending demise.

You're going to die.

I'm well aware it was you that tampered with the background...thing... on my computer. (Shikamaru informs me it's called wallpaper). If you don't take it down right now I'm going to complain, officially.

I'm sure posting half naked pictures of yourself on a students computer against their will (and I know it was you, we have those stupid passwords for a reason right? And you can bypass them) counts as sexual harrassment and I could get your ass fired in five seconds flat.

You've got five minutes. If I log back in to find it still there, first I'm complaining then I'm hunting your vain egotisical ass down and I'm jamming you face first into the staff office shredder.

Five minutes.

Temari.

To: sabakut acc. edu 'Dyke'

From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'God of...well, pretty much fucking everything'

Subject: RE: Your impending demise.

Fuck me, you got your panties up your crack, woman. You know, what you call 'sexual harrassment', most chicks would call ART. You're one uncultured fucking person, seriously. No taste.

Fine, I'll change your fucking background. Not your thing anyway, right? A little too, oh...MALE.

Oh come on, seriously though, you know you just saved a copy of that for yourself. Remember noob - every time you masturbate to that picture, Jashin-sama will know. JASHIN-SAMA WILL KNOW.

Hidan.

To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Buyer of cosmetics and probably wearer of women's underwear'

From: sabakut acc. edu 'Straighter than you by a long shot'

Subject: Re:RE: Your impending demise

I know Art. Art is Picasso or Dali or Cezanne, Chegal or Degas. Art has some....well artistic merit.

Art is not someone posing half naked in what they obviously (mistakenly) believe to be an attractive 'come hither' kind of way. You look like constipated frog when you're pulling that look by the way, might be why you're currently lacking a boyfriend.

And I like men, you're just so far from my type it's unbelievable. Even if you were straight I prefer my men with a little bit more intelligence, dignity and without such an egotistical strain it makes it pretty damn obvious they're compensating for shortcomings in other departments.

I have saved the picture for your information. However it's only for evidence in case you ever try anything like this again I can use it to prove you've been sexually inappropriate to me on more than one occasion. As if I would ever do anything like that to a picture of you. Besides it's on the school computer, and no one would do anything like that at school would they?

Actually on second thoughts I don't want to know, I bet you've got a stash of gay porn hidden away on here somewhere.

Oh great now I'm going to have nightmares thanks to that.

Temari

PS Haha very funny. I don't want a topless woman as my background either. Change it or tell me how to do and I'll do it myself.

To: sabakut acc. edu 'No fucking sense of humour'

From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'So out of your league'

Subject: Re: Re: RE: Your impending demise.

Oh hold your fucking horses, woman. I've sent Nara down there now, I'm sure he'll get rid of what's giving you the best fucking orgasm of your life. In more ways then one.

Art is ALSO that fucking David guy, you know - the one with his dick out? I've been told I'm built like that shithead, only I'm better hung. There you have it. Tell me I'm not art, if you're really NOT gay. I'm so your type, noob. Ever heard 'the lady doth protest too much?'. THAT'S YOU.

You keep that picture, sweetie. Think of it as a freebie. Oh, and could you please NOT spam my work mail with your fantasies about me in gay porn? I never had you pegged for a yaoi fan, seriously. See you tomorrow in class, chick. Don't blush too much when you see me, people might get the wrong idea.

Hidan.

To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'He of the ridiculously inflated ego'

From: sabakut acc. edu 'So not interested'

Subject: Do you ever shut up?

I've decided this method of communication is more tolerable because at least this way I can get a word in edgeways.

Yes I am ignoring you, it's because I'm trying to get my work done. Kick my chair one more time and I'll loudly ask if you and your boyfriend have gotten over your problem with erectile dysfunction yet.

Oh and concerning your last e-mail, the idea of you in any type of porn makes me want to be sick. And as for 'protesting too much' what the hell are you doing over being gay then? You're obviously in deep denial.

Temari

PS I'm not a yaoi fan but Yamanaka is, if she gets wind of you being gay expect her to go all squealing fangirl on your ass.

To: sabakut acc. edu 'Has been'

From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Up and coming'

Subject: Re: Do you ever shut up?

Huh, what? What's this? Oh, it's just, I was trying to get some fucking work done, but this chick who is trying to act all pissy with me KEEPS STARTING EMAIL CONVERSATIONS. (Amazing that she knows how to work the fucking internet to begin with, seriously).

You know what? Believe I'm gay if that's what makes you shiver and shake at night, baby. I don't give a fuck - in fact, go for it! I'm a generous guy, and I'm all for charity work, seriously. If I can help lonely, bitter old spinsters one red hot orgasm at a time, my work is done. I'm a fucking saint. Jashin-sama will be proud.

Would you stop harassing me now? I need to get some fucking work done, seriously.

Hidan.

P.S. Yamanaka likes Nara. Which makes her a fucking rug-muncher.

To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Absolutely shitty educator'

From: sabakut acc. edu 'Trying to learn here'

Subject: Re: RE: Do you ever shut up?

What? So you call spending the past ten minutes repeatedly kicking my chair and making comments whenever I so much as hesitate about which button to press working? (For your information Shikamaru says I'm picking up this internet stuff pretty quickly, we covered e-mail last week.) Why do you always claim there's something wrong with a computer that is directly opposite/next to mine every lesson? I mean do you get off on tormenting me or something?

Oh for fucks sake am I going to have to spell it out for you?

I. Don't. Find. You. Attractive. At ALL.

I find Shikamaru more appealing than you, hell I find Rock Lee more appealing than you.

And if you're so busy stop kicking my damn chair and do your work then. Or I might have to retaliate and accidentally run my chair over your foot.

Whoops too late. Bet that hurt.

Temari

PS Oh come off it, she doesn't. The last time I saw them together she was screaming at him for trying to make her change the color of her....font? is that what it's called.... well whatever it is back from bright pink. He looked like he wanted to crawl under a table and die.

To: sabakut acc. edu 'So not'

From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Shit hot'

Subject: Re: Re: RE: Do you ever shut up?

Yeah Yamanaka yells at him. You tell at me too. You're a total fucking harpy. I wait for the day your head folds in half, seriously.

Nara's so damned perfect, I'm sure. Such a good teacher. 'Oooh look at me, I get all the stupid chicks'. Yay, good for him - I believe that's called TAKING ADVANTAGE. Or grooming. Way to go - you picked a swell fucking teacher. I applaud you.

Hey, it's not my fault the incompetent assholes at this place can't set computers up right. Either that, or you're sabotaging them on purpose. I won't hold it against you - I've met your kind before. They have pills for that shit now, by the way.

And yes - you running over my foot DID fucking hurt. What are you, a fucking elephant? I feel sorry for whoever marries you and has to carry that shit over a threshold, seriously.

...you find Rock Lee attractive? I knew you had issues, woman, but FUCK. Hell, even if I WERE gay and hard-up, I wouldn't fuck that. I wouldn't fuck that with a fake dick, which you're totally gonna have to do. I bet he's into that.

Just think you oughta know - he's already been had by the gym teacher. The fucker in the green spandex. You sure know how to pick 'em, noob.

And seriously - stop being so fucking fixated on the idea that I WANT you to be attracted to me. Woman, have you seen our English teacher? The drunk blond? Now THAT is a woman. Get a body like that and I might let you blow me.

Do you spit or swallow?

Hidan.