Diclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: Alas, school starts tommorow. But on the bright side, I got a quick idea for a story! This is due to the fact that drastic action needs to be taken. It seems everyday that more and more ClopinOCs come up on this archieve. And while I won't deny Clopin's sexiness, there are OTHER characters in the movie besides him. Besides, most of the OCs end up being obnoxious Mary-Sues. Also be aware I'm not trying to lampoon of one particular person. So if you have no sense of humor and/or get offended easily, turn away now.

For reasons unknown, Clopin as well as most of the other protagonists from Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame are locked in a room.

"SQUEEE!!!"

"YOU'RE SOOO HOT!!!"

"I LOVE YOU CLOPIN!!!"

"DO THE PUPPET VOICE AGAIN!!!"

Cries and squeals similar to these rang throughout the room. Clopin was sitting in an armchair, looking thourougly delighted. At least thirty girls, if not more, were cooing over him. Some looked like modern day teenagers who had somehow traveled back in time. Others without a doubt came from the fifteenth century. Or at least, what was an attempt at trying to dress like they belonged at the period. Most of them dressed as Gypsies in outfits that not only were beautiful but entirely slutty too. Some even were cross dressing as boys. It couldn't be! But unfortunatley, they were Mary-Sues. A better half of them had ample bosoms and luxiourious blonde hair as well as fair skin. Others were sobbing intensely about how their mothers were Gypsy traitors and their fathers were soldiers working for Frollo. But somehow, their parents managed to fall in love. Then they sniveled as they explained how their mother died first (as often happens in stories) and how the father became a drunk. Overcome with sadness, they began their journey to the Court of Miracles where they were immediatley tied up by the burly skeleton men, only to fall in love with Clopin.

Meanwhile Frollo, Phoebus, Esmeralda and Quasimodo were standing in the corner, looking quite grumpy.

"Seriously, I don't understand why all those girls think he's amazing," Frollo grumbled, "I mean, he's a Gypsy! And everyone knows that Gypsies are sinners and deserve to burn in hell."

"You're such a hypocrite, Frollo!" Esmeralda said angrily, "you claim that I'm evil yet you want to sleep with me!"

"Whatever, I can't help that I'm lonely," he sneered.

"Well," Quasi reasoned, "probably all the girls like Clopin because we don't know much about him. I mean, he only appears five times as the narrator. Plus, you can't tell if he's good or evil since one minute he's doing puppet shows and the next he wants to hang me and Phoebus! And when you add in the fact that he's good looking and quite flexible, you've got your dream man!"

"Except he's balding slightly, has mild chest hair and a bulge for a belly," Esmeralda giggled.

"I heard that!" Clopin bellowed. He would've gone near his friends, but the fangirls and Mary-Sues were on him like ants on an abandoned watermelon rind.

Suddenly, a few of the fangirls and Mary-Sues drifted towards Frollo, eyeing him intensely.

"Get away from me, you sinners!" he cried, sticking out a cross in front of him like he was repelling vampires.

"Oh Frollo!" cooed one of the girls, "you're positively gorgeous!" And with that, she began snogging him while the other girls tried to join him.

"Ugh, that's disgusting," Esmeralda gagged. Staring at a Mary-Sue who was attempting a split, Esmeralda clenched her fists and made her way toward the girl.

"What's happened?" Quasi asked, inching his way over to Phoebus.

"One of those girls attempted to dance like Esmeralda. I swear, they just automatically assume that she won't be able to dance at the Feastival of Fools. Even if she was as sick as dog, Esmeralda would dance," Phoebus said confidently.

"That's another thing I hate," Esmeralda said, striding back over to them, "all these girls expect me to be their best friend! It's quite annoying because some of them only come to me for the best ways to seduce men. It's sickening, but what's even worse is when they try to override my existence entirely. Sometimes I'm not included in the story. Or if I am, she does all the parts that I was particularly assigned to do! Such as MY DANCE and standing up for Quasimodo."

Suddenly, Phoebus fell to the ground, groaning in pain.

"Phoebus, are you okay?" Quasi asked.

"YOU'RE SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON!" the Mary-Sue cried, whacking Phoebus with a wooden club.

"STOP BASHING MY HUSBAND!" Esmeralda roared, sending the Mary-Sue away in tears and lifting her husband to his feet.

"Why does everyone hate me so much?" he asked to no one in paticular, "I'm not a bad guy. I saved Esmeralda from being arrested after the Festival, I saved the miller's family from becoming barbequed, and I even saved Quasi from falling into a pile of melted lead!"

"It's not lead that Quasi used, it's LAVA!" cried one of the fangirls.

"No, it's lead!" Phoebus hollered back, "anyways, why would everyone hate me if I've saved so many people? Plus, Esmeralda and I are the only other biracial couple that Disney has ever created! So I don't understand why no one likes me if I save people AND marry a Gypsy despite the fact that it was frowned upon in the 15th century!"

"It's probably because you're so good-looking and Esmeralda chose you rather than me," Quasimodo said.

"But our creators tried compensating for that by creating a sequel where you finally get true love!" Esmeralda reminded him.

"Yeah, but the way they made us look was down-right horrible. I mean, did you see how creepy I looked when I had that rose in my mouth?" Clopin asked, finally able to come near them.

"And since I'm already ugly, I looked even worse," said Quasi glumly.

"Thankfully I didn't have the misfortune of being in it," Frollo said, managing to shake off the fangirls briefly to go into the conversation once more.

"That's another thing, I'm the protagonist," Quasi pointed out, "so without me there wouldn't even be a story! So you'd think I'd have more stories about me! Instead, I'm barely in them!"

"Why Frollo even has fans is a mystery to me," Esmeralda said, "he's a cold-blooded, racist, murdering hypocrite. Not to mention how he's so old."

"0mGz h0w cAN j00 $Say tHt?/!1!!1?!" asked one fangirl, "fR0lL0 iS SOOOOOOOO HOTTT! ND h3's rIcH 2!!!1!!! LOLZ! :)"

"Did that girl actually use improper sentence structure?" Clopin asked.

"You'd be suprised," Phobeus said, shaking his head in sadness, "it's a form of communication that 21st century people use called chatspeak. Apparently it can shorten conversations."

"Now where on earth is my Fangirl-to-Gypsy translation dictionary?" asked Esmeralda, patting her skirt.

"How can you even read?" Frollo growled, "women barely received proper education. When has it been okay for historicaly inaccuracies to be overlooked?"

"I couldn't agree more," said Phoebus, "I mean, some people mention us using things like guns and mascara. I think there was even reference to an iPod!"

"Oh, here it is," Esmeralda exclaimed, finally pulling out the dictionary, "apparently what that girl said was 'Oh my God, how can you say that? Frollo is so hot. And he's rich too! Laugh out loud! Smiley face'."

They stared at each other, wondering what was happening to their fandom. Their integrity was being stripped down. What was to become of them? Unfortunatley, as fictional characters they didn't have a say in the matter. All they could hope was that whoever wanted to create stories about them would try and make the original characters stick to their true personality. And maybe, just maybe, the days of orbiting around Mary-Sues were over.

A/N: Finally, I got that off my chest. Please read and review! All types of criticism is accepted, whether it's positive, constructive, or even flames.