It was easy to feel small in the big space under the big sky. It was easy to imagine that God could extend his ever-occupied hands to play her to the edge, that it was his will she lingered on the roof of a castle in the clouds. It was easy to believe only birds flew, that if the wind rushed by and swept her off she could fall.

And that would be the end.

Easy.

But birds weren't the only things that flew and she had heard that God did not want people on the roofs of anything, and, though she was in fact small, she was not small enough.

She was one hundred and sixty six centimeters taller than ignorance, forty-eight kilograms heavier than bliss, and sixteen years older than she should have been.

And there would be no end.

Nothing was easy because one hundred and sixty and six more than ignorance meant she was a target of one hundred and sixty and six for rapacious reality, because four twice more than twenty twice meant she could not be swept off the roof by a giddy gust of glee, because sixteen more than zero meant she had a throbbing organ under her dutifully developing breasts and no easy way to rip it out.

How does one kill a bird?

Drowning maybe, but she had no water.

Running into windows that went unnoticed, but her castle in the clouds was never empty, someone was always watching.

Perhaps a bigger bird would eat her, but she knew no way to make herself pretty enough to catch the eyes with the right mouths.

Even falling could work- if she had broken wings.

It was easy to conceive in the big space under the big sky where no one but God was watching. If he was watching. She was only one hundred and sixty six, forty eight, and sixteen; not small enough… not big enough? Hers were fragile limbs-

"Hello?"

She froze.

"Who's there?"

The distance her eyes ate away to reach the door was somehow shorter than she remembered.

"Identify yourself!"

It hurt.

Perhaps she fainted. Perhaps she sank to her knees. Perhaps she hoped to disappear by pressing her knees into the stones until they let her in.

"Remain still, please! That's an order!"

She sat and watched his feet eat away the somehow-shorter span.

His hair was golden. It was beautiful.

One hundred and seventy two, sixty two, and nineteen wrapped in a bulky black robe stopped at her feet when he recognized her. His eyes were blue and cold. She thought she might as well enjoy them before they flared. He was one of the people with the keys, he would stand her up and beat her down and lock her in her cage. She had worn their chains before and they told her they had removed them ten years ago, but they were all liars.

The best of liars.

He was a liar.

The best of liars and no number of night apparel pieces could disguise that.

But his hair was bright. It was beautiful.

He straightened. "Why are you here so late?"

"Why are you?"

"Because I passed the door to the roof on my way downstairs from the Inspector's temporary residence, and it was open. Unusual, to say the least, at eleven in the evening."

"I see…"

"Why are you here?"

"How could he keep you until eleven? That seems rather late for a meeting."

"I wasn't with the Inspector."

"Were you cleaning his room then? Is that what it is? You're his lap dog and his maid?"

"Why are you here?"

"Maybe I took a walk." She was six centimeters shorter. "How does that sound? Does that sound reasonable?"

"… You sound tired."

Six centimeters shorter than the devil's lap dog.

He held one hundred and seventy and two against the cold and one twice more than thirty twice kept him still on a windy night and nineteen more than zero, three more than sixteen, was enough to know why a bitter bird would seek a rooftop.

She watched his eyes melt as they studied empty space next to her, blue and soft and full of three more years than she had.

But the wind was biting. They grew hard again.

"You want to jump?"

She started.

"Then jump… Go!" His finger forced her eyes to follow, pointed to the rail behind her- he knew. "I won't tell. I'll never say I saw you. Go on! End this. Get it all over with, that's what you want, correct? That's what will fix everything, JUMP!"

"Mm!" She flinched when the words hit her.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT, ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?" He held her shoulders tight, like thirty one years more than him had done in the dark like this, but he did not shake her.

He did not shake her.

The wind ate the words after slashing them over her again and again for a unit of time that could not be measured.

Her skin stung and he released her. "I see. So it's not what you want-"

"N-no…"

"'No' it's not what you want or 'no' it is-"

"I-I don't… stop-"

"Don't sit."

"No!"

"I asked you a question, look at me and answer! Don't sit!"

"P-please don't touch…-"

"Is it too hard? Are you having second thoughts?"

"G-ge ge…"

"Thinking of the people you'll hurt? Or did you just realize that you'd be hurting people at all?"

"Ge…"

"But they've all hurt you before, haven't they? It's only fair; they deserve it, don't they? That's the whole point: to make them hurt. And it's not really that hard is it? You were just thinking how easy it would be-"

"N-no, I-"

"Ah! That's right, your legs. Problematic indeed… They could very well save you without you asking them to, couldn't they? Perhaps if you broke them first-"

"STOP!" She jerked out of his touch, hit the wall, opened her eyes.

Her own words whisked back to smack her, whisper in her ears, brush between her legs. She felt sick.

But his hair was long. It was beautiful.

"Stop…" Perhaps she fainted. Perhaps she sank to her knees. Perhaps- something warm and soft brushed her cheek, something bulky and black. "What are you-"

"You want to jump? I'll show you. It's easy."

"Are you crazy?!"

"Absolutely not. Do I look crazy?"

"STOP! W-why are you- Come back! Come back, please don't- I- no, no, no, no!" She reached out and grabbed fistfuls of air in front of his legs but found that the distance her eyes ate away to reach the edge of everything was somehow longer than she remembered.

And hers were fragile limbs.

"You can't have any doubts. You have to know that your choice is right and that all the other choices are wrong. Simple. And then all you have to do is step back-"

"NOOOO!" Her fingers found a hold on cotton pants and clenched.

He folded one hundred and seventy two centimeters in half and moved sixty-two kilograms forward to the inside edge of the highest part of a castle in the clouds. "Why not? Why do you care?"

"What about the people who love you?"

"Do you think I would not enjoy seeing the surprise in the eyes of the man who took away my childhood when he found my broken body?"

"But other people-"

"What other people? Other people would be rejoicing, I'm sure, you among them probably."

"Your family-"

"Who I haven't seen in over ten years, who gave me up for a history of honor and ideals-"

"Then God-"

"If he wanted me to live, why would he wake me up at eleven to take a walk on the roof?"

Perhaps she tripped. Perhaps she collapsed. Perhaps she wanted to disappear by pressing her face against his shoulder until he held her.

And his hair was warm. It was beautiful.

"I don't know, I don't know why..."

"Try 'for yourself'. Try 'because someday someone somewhere will need you'. And it is your duty to be there." He gently pushed her away and stood.

She was six centimeters shorter.

"But what then? What comes after someday someone somewhere?"

"Things will change. You'll understand when it happens."

She watched his eyes melt as they stared into empty space about her, blue and soft and full of three more years than she had.

He smiled and made two less stars in the sky. "Good evening, Miss Lee."

It was so much shorter than she remembered. "How do you know?"

His hair was golden. It was beautiful.

Her eyes are dark. She is beautiful.

"Experience."

It was easy to feel small in the big space under the big sky. It was easy to imagine that God could extend his ever-occupied hands to play her to the edge of a roof of a castle in the clouds.

But she and birds were not the only things that flew.

The best of liars had told her they wore white.

They wore black and she was six centimeters shorter than one.

Six centimeters shorter than an angel.

This was heavily inspired by a film called "Wings of Desire" or "Der Himmel über Berlin" (The Sky/Heavens over Berlin) by Wim Wenders. :) I highly recommend it. (The English title makes it sound hopelessly cheesy but it's not, I promise! XD)

"Der Himmel über Nichts" means (if I am correct in my translating XD) "The sky over nothing".

Questions, comments, concerns, homicidal urges? Please feel free to adress them in a review! XD

I hope you enjoyed it. :)

-bows-

-S