Shades of Red

Summary: Alice goes to work at the mental ward of Carlisle's hospital, where she meets a girl who refuses to explain why she's there, who is getting closer to the edge every day. Can Alice save her, or will it be too late?

Disclaimer: My name is Laila. It is not Stephenie Meyer. Therefore, I do not own Twilight. The song "What Sarah Said" belongs to Death Cab For Cutie.

*~*~*

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

*~*~*

"This is absolutely ridiculous." I said as Carlisle and Edward dragged me forward. "Why do I have to help you two work here? You know I hate this place!" I attempted to dig my heels into the floor, but Edward, rubbing it in my face that he was stronger than me, picked me up and threw me over his shoulder before I could damage the linoleum. Grr…

We got to the door and Edward put me down, handing me a white coat and a clipboard.

"Doctor Alice." He said, obviously pleased as I shrugged on the white coat. Geez, the people who made these coats obviously have no idea as to what's comfortable and what isn't. It was made of some itchy material, I think polyester. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to tell you at all.

Exactly how I managed to get an internship at Carlisle's hospital almost immediately after graduating from high school for the 10th time, I don't know. But it was extremely frustrating, because they decided I should help out on Level 4. AKA, the mental ward. Why is Level 4 always the mental ward? Every hospital I have ever been in, Level 4 has always been the mental ward. Is there some medical law that says that Level 4 has to be where all the so-called insane people are? Yet again, frustrating. I sighed and attempted putting my hair into a pathetic excuse for a ponytail, which would look a lot better if my hair was longer. Carlisle sighed and Edward snickered quietly. I shot them both an evil glare as I opened the door. It shut behind me very loudly and I was mildly shocked at the scene at hand.

First thought: everybody in this room is either schizophrenic, psychopathic, suicidal, or bipolar.

Second thought: every single one of the guys – and a few of the girls, for that matter – is staring at me.

Third thought: the youngest person here is 5 years old. Tell me, how does a 5-year-old end up in a mental hospital?

The 5-year-old boy suddenly started shrieking as another nurse walked by him. He picked up a book and began attempting to hit the nurse. Note to self: stay away from creepy demon-child 5-year-old who looks like he should be in The Exorcist. Or maybe that one video game, F.E.A.R. Yeah, he can help fight with what's-her-name, Alma.

I leaned against the wall, taking in my surroundings. It wasn't the cleanest place. There was dirty laundry scattered across the floor, a couple of empty chip bags, several other unidentifiable items that I didn't want to investigate at the moment, and the occasional shoe. The window shades were closed tightly, not a single ray of light getting in. Even the fluorescent bulbs on the ceiling were turned off.

There was a grand total of 23 guys and 34 girls, all ranging from about 5 to 80. Most of the girls were anorexic looking, and before I could blink – not that I needed to – two of these girls got into a fight.

There was a small noise from the darkest corner of the room, on my left, about 20 feet away. Instinctively I turned to look. Sitting there was a girl who looked about 13 years old, with her knees pulled up to her chest, wearing grey jeans and a black hoodie. Her hair was dark brown, covering her face, and she was extremely pale for a human. As the other nurses tried to control the ongoing fight, I found myself very slowly edging towards this girl. Everyone else was talking, shouting, screaming, ignoring everyone. But this girl was paying attention to everyone, despite hiding behind her bangs. I watched as her crystalline blue eyes darted back and forth, watching everybody walk around. I wasn't sure if she had seen me until she looked up, her ice blue eyes going straight to mine. The moment she did this, she waved me over. Confused, I slowly walked over.

"You're Dr. Cullen's daughter." She said as soon as I was 5 feet away. Startled, I froze.

"How did you…?" I began, but she cut me off.

"Nametag." Her voice was a high soprano, a hint of sadness and hysteria in the tone, accentuating key words in her sentences. It sounded like she could sing pretty well, considering that her voice was already slightly musical in tone. I was still confused as to why she had called me over.

"So why did you call me over?" I asked, anxious. For all I knew, this girl could snap and attempt to attack me. She laughed, a quick laugh that sounded so out of place in the dreary environment.

"Because you look like you have no idea what you're doing, that's why." She still had her knees pulled to her chest. "And I should warn you. The demon child over there, that's Kyle. He claims that there are words on the walls, and he follows every single girl he can around. Considering what words he claims are on the wall, I'm surprised he's not in a straightjacket. All the girls here are either anorexic, homicidal maniacs with anger management problems, or they tried to kill themselves. And the guys are pretty much all pedophiles, so I suggest staying away from them." She knew what she was saying, which surprised me. "The blonde girl over there in the pink Hollister outfit, that's Lauren, and the girl next to her is Emily. They think they control everyone. They're both anorexic, and they flip out over anything and everything." She rolled her eyes, then looked at me. Yet again, I was taken aback by the crystal blue. But I noticed several other things this time, like the fact that this girl was baby-faced, yet looked mature beyond her years. And the fact that she had pierced her ears twice, and was wearing blood red earrings. And she had her arms pulled as close as she could, as if she was trying to hide them.

"You're wondering why I'm here." She suddenly announced, managing to keep her tone a half-whisper. I nodded, yet again, taken aback.

"Various reasons. Mostly because I got tired of people. But you aren't like most people, I can tell. There's something different about you." The girl jumped up. Great. Another person was taller than me; despite being physically younger, this girl was 5'3". "You're also wondering who I am. I'll tell you. I'm the girl nobody pays attention to in class, yet who everybody finds it funny to torment every day. I'm the girl who never did a thing to piss off anyone, yet everyone hates me. I'm the girl who didn't say a word, and had a million rumors at once spread about me. I'm the girl whose boyfriend broke up with her because she was 'crazy' and who it turned out was cheating on her during the entire relationship. I'm the girl nobody really gives a damn about." She said calmly, as if it was a well-rehearsed nursery rhyme.

"And my name has yet to be decided. The file they have here for me says Roatan Micah Rosse, but I haven't really decided what my real name is." I nodded, surprised that she hadn't attacked me. Not that it would do any good to try tackling a vampire.

"Roatan?" I asked, curious about the unusual name.

"It's where I was conceived, or so my mom says, though I highly doubt it. I doubt it. Stupid woman probably would have named me Vegas if she had been there when she found out she was pregnant. But no, she had to name me after some Caribbean port. It's not that I don't like the name, it's just too unusual for my taste." She explained.

"What about…?" I began, yet again, to be cut off.

"The name Micah? My mom had a 'friend' named Micah in middle school. Not to mention the fact that this Micah person was a guy."

Wow. This girl obviously didn't care about other people.

"Wanna know the best part? The name Rosse probably isn't even my real last name. My mom just thinks that it was my dad's last name. Which would probably be better if she could actually figure out who that was, considering every guy she's with drugs her, screws her, then dumps her after a week. My so-called dad was just the guy she happened to be with when she went to the Caribbean. And like all guys, he followed the pattern and abandoned her there! Ha ha. Smart guy. I hate him for abandoning me, but he was smart enough to leave her." What did this girl have against other people?

"What did your mom do that makes you hate her so much?" I asked. I felt like a psychoanalyzer. Roatan smirked.

"She has a habit of dating guys who either look good or are rich, occasionally both. She thinks she's the most perfect person in the world, but there are much better people. I really could care less about her because she acts like a hooker. And she probably is one. But the guys she's with the longest are the ones who like buying her expensive clothes and jewelry, not to mention the Porsche she got for her last birthday." The girl shuddered. "She's one of those 6'5", bleached blonde, blue eyed, supposedly supermodel-beautiful women, and all the guys like her. I'm just glad I took after my dad, whoever he is. Me and my mom don't have anything in common and I personally hate her guts. She is, with no due respect, an airheaded whore." Roatan must really hate her mom.

"So are you going to tell me why you're here yet?" I asked. She shook her head.

"Tomorrow. Your shift's over anyway. Auf wiedersehen." She pulled herself back into her corner and I looked at the clock. My shift was over. Damn. I walked out the door, shaking my head.

What had happened to this girl?

*~*~*

It continued like this for a week. Roatan would explain why she hated her mom and most people, and I was somewhat amazed at the fact that she seemed so normal, despite being certifiably insane. She refused to say why she was there, though, and I was starting to get the feeling that she was just clinging to whatever bit of sanity she had left.

After I got home on the seventh day, I practically threw myself onto the couch, sighing.

"When is she going to speak?" I shouted in exasperation. Edward looked at me.

"Who?" he asked, honestly curious for once.

"Roatan. The girl I've been talking to from Level 4. She has refused to explain why she is there for a week, though I have to say after all she's said, Britney Spears seems like a better person than her mom." And considering how much I hated Britney Spears…

"Roatan Rosse?" Edward asked. "I'm not surprised. I got a look inside her mind. Very…angry. Very musical, too. And also very desperate." He said. I stared at him.

"What do you mean by desperate?"

"She views herself as on the edge of a cliff, just about to take a step off. She was about to jump, then you started working there. She views you, Alice, as the force holding her back. You may be the only one who cares about her. Did you know she tried to kill herself?" Edward asked. I glared.

"What? Roatan isn't suicidal!" I would have been able to tell. You can tell when somebody surrenders, gives up completely on their life.

"Think about it, Alice. She hates humanity, she hates the people who betrayed her, her mom's a worse person than Britney Spears, her boyfriend cheated on her, and she's in a mental ward. Why else would she be there?"

"Maybe she's bipolar. You never know these days."

Edward sighed very loudly.

"Look at her wrists." He whispered almost inaudibly.

"Wha…? Her wrists?"

"That's how she tried to kill herself. They barely found her in time. She slit her wrists so many times that she lost a pint of blood. Not to mention it was at her school, in front of her classmates and teacher." Edward explained.

Roatan?

She was suicidal?

"You would be too if you had gone through all she has. People were spreading rumors that she was pregnant. The rumors stopped, but it got worse. She was at a so-called friend's party and someone gave her LSD. Do you realize what that can do to someone like her?"

My Roatan, so mad at everyone, yet so innocent at the same time, had been forced to take LSD? By who? Ohhh…they were gonna have to have a little talk with me.

"Why do you call her your Roatan?" Edward whispered.

Because I'm the one who is saving her from herself, that's why. Nobody else gives a damn about her, obviously. Why should I ignore her too? I'm not some emotionless, hyperactive shopping addicted pixie vampire, no matter what my family thinks. And Roatan is meant for something. I have to save her. It's not a choice. Neither of us are who we seem to be; I'm a supposedly mythical creature, a vampire, and she's a human who gave up on the world. But I have to protect her. I don't have a choice in the matter. She has to live.

"Because…" I begin, but Edward has already heard what I'm about to say in my thoughts.

"Talk to her again, if that's how you feel." He says quietly.

I sigh and trudge upstairs, looking for Jasper. He'll calm me down.

*~*~*

"Roatan." I say as I walk in, looking at the blue-eyed girl in the corner. "It's been a week. Are you going to tell me why you're here?" I ask. She frowns.

"Well, since I really don't know how much longer I can hide it…" she stands up and pulls the sleeve of her jacket back. My eyes widen. Wrapped around her hand and halfway to her elbow is a white bandage, covered in shades of red. There are scars going all the way to her elbow, some newer than others. She pulls the sleeve back down.

"I got tired of everyone treating me like crap. I wanted to show them what had happened. It would have worked if the doctors didn't come." She said, an obvious edge of hysteria in her voice. "But they don't care. I don't think a single person in this world could care about me, except for maybe you, Alice." I was a bit surprised she had used my first name, but oh well. "The pain isn't gonna end soon, though. I wish it would." She closed her eyes. I suddenly realized why they were such light blue.

"Roatan, you never explained why your eyes are so…light." She laughed, opening her eyes, and looked at me, the crystalline eyes still shining, as usual. But she looked more upset than before. Hiding something from the one person left who cared. Or vampire. But I was still a person.

"Acid, meth, coke. They found it entertaining to force me to do drugs. And I mean force. They held me down and literally forced me to take the drugs. So much for friends."

LSD, methamphetamine, cocaine. Some of the most powerful drugs there were.

So my Roatan was forcibly drug-addicted and suicidal? Great! That's gonna make it all the more hard to save her.

"Roatan." My words sounded slightly harsh now. "Why did you try and kill yourself?"

"Because I am worthless. My dad's off somewhere with some slut, my mom is a slut, everybody and their dog hates me, and I'm never going to amount to anything, so why still live? If it's survival of the fittest, natural selection, all of that, what do I have that would help the human race? Musical talent? That never helped anyone except for Beethoven and all those old guys. Being able to write? Being creative? Not unless somebody would want to read my stories or see what I draw. It's all just going to turn into shades of red if I try to understand them. I'll be too angry to see straight. And it's all going to end soon enough. I'm not gonna live that much longer. I'm sorry you had to meet me. Maybe it would be easier for you." Roatan finished her speech and curled up in her corner, as usual, closing her eyes.

"You are not worthless! Don't you dare think about killing yourself!" I half-shouted. Nobody looked at me. They were used to shouting. Roatan smiled. What was she planning? I groaned loudly, but it sounded like a whimper. Suddenly she opened her eyes, looking right at me, a half-smile on her face.

"Shift's over."

I turned and walked away.

I gave up.

*~*~*

"I do not deserve to be taking care of somebody as hard to reach as Roatan!" I shouted as I marched into the house. Everyone looked at me in surprise. Jasper and Emmett had been playing the Nintendo Wii, but paused it at my outburst. Esme was attempting to cook for Renesmee and Jacob, who looked a bit nervous as to what exactly she was cooking. Edward sat on the couch with his arm around Bella, holding her close to him. Rosalie was painting her nails a bright blue. Carlisle was on his laptop. They all stopped what they were doing immediately to watch me storm upstairs. I was too mad to think straight. Everything was swirling around in my head, making everything look distorted.

Shades of red.

I ran into my room and immediately sat down, shuddering with anger or something similar. When someone you've come to care about has decided that they are worthless and don't deserve to live, what are you supposed to do? When there are drugs in their system, hypnotizing them into thinking they're all alone, making it impossible to understand why they should live, how do you convince them otherwise? When they're already about to jump off the edge, how do you hold them back if they've already taken the leap and known what it feels like?

How do you stop someone from dying when they have nothing to live for?

Everything suddenly turned foggy, and another scene began playing in front of me, clearer than the real time. Roatan was backed up in the corner with everybody surrounding her, and she was smiling, staring at them with her crystal eyes, holding a scalpel to her bandaged wrist. She pushed it down and the crimson blood began spilling out. She laughed, hoarsely.

"Perfect." She whispered as the blood started dripping to the floor. She gasped, then fell to the floor, knocking over a clock, which read a little over 2 minutes into the future.

"NO!" I screamed, snapping back to the present. She had decided to kill herself, dammit! The clock had said I had 2 minutes and 5 seconds to get there. It was about 15 miles away, and would probably take 1 minute and 30 seconds to drive there going at 180 miles per hour. Unthinking, I jumped out of the window and sprinted, fast even by vampire terms, to the garage. Jasper's motorcycle was the first thing I saw, and I jumped on it, revving the engine and fishtailing around. The garage door was barely opened as I drove under it, ducking my head to avoid hitting it. The motorcycle suddenly seemed painfully slow. Faster, faster! I was going 167 mph and still getting faster. I only had a minute and 30 seconds left. 170, 175, 180…

13 seconds left. I parked the motorcycle and ran at a human pace into the hospital. Everybody was rushing upstairs, probably to help Roatan. I pushed past them and got to the elevator, frantically pushing the Level 4 button. 7 seconds. It went painfully slow. By the time it stopped, I only had 3 seconds. I threw open the door just as Roatan collapsed to the ground in a pool of her own blood, knocking over the clock. The scent was almost overpowering, burning my throat, but the drugs were diluting it. My mind went blank. I forgot about the blood, the feeling that a white-hot branding iron had been shoved down my throat, the crimson pool spilling on the ground. All I saw was the girl who had been forgotten by all but me lying on the ground, dying.

Her breath was getting ragged, heartbeat slowing.

"NO!" I screamed. A few people turned to look at me. Roatan's eyes were open, a faint hint of a smile on her pale face. She looked at me and smiled.

"It's over." She mumbled, inaudibly, weakening every second.

Roatan's heart faltered and began to fade away.

*~*~*

At some point in my lifetime there had been a girl who had said that love was watching someone die, and in my case, the girl who I had just seen nearly die in front of me was someone I cared about. It played like a slow-motion scene over and over again in my head, the brunette falling to the floor, knocking over the little alarm clock on the table. Her blood was spread on the floor, still diluted by the traces of LSD, cocaine, and meth in her system, not to mention the lithium and Prozac they had put her on. Two self-contradictory drugs. I'm surprised the blood didn't take over my thoughts, but I guess when you care about somebody it isn't as hard.

I don't know when it was exactly that my family got there. I remember being on the floor, my head in my hands, staring at the spot where Roatan fell. They had cleaned the blood, taken everyone away. I sat in the hallway outside of the ICU room where Roatan lay. I felt numb, completely emotionless, my mind blank. All I could see was Roatan falling, her crystalline eyes catching mine for the brief second before she nearly died…

The first thing I remember after that was Jasper falling to his knees, wrapping his arm around me, whispering that it was all right, trying to calm me down. I don't remember responding, I just remember dry sobbing. I wished they could have saved her. They had taken her to the ICU, and I had stood there waiting for her to wake up, but her heart was weakening, taking her away.

I wish I could remember the name of the girl who had said the thing about love and death. It would be easier to calm down then, hopefully. And my own husband was failing at that. Jasper picked me up and we walked to the waiting room, slowly, trying to calm me down the entire time. Waves of peace, of lethargy, attempting to make me snap out of it. He placed me on the chair and I looked at the ground. Rosalie and Bella were pacing; Renesmee just sat on Jacob's lap, biting her nails; Edward tried to read a magazine, but he threw it down and just sat with his head in his hands; Emmett seemed as numb as I felt, not even trying to joke around; Jasper sat with his arm around me, attempting to make me stop dry sobbing. The TV blared some kiddie show, and old magazines nobody read were scattered on tables. The hum of the vending machines filled the room. The only thing I could do was whisper my apologies to everyone, even if it wasn't my fault. The apologies were more for Roatan's sake than mine. My train of thought stopped. Roatan…

Please let her live…at least let her know someone cared…

The nurse walked around the corner at that moment, followed by Carlisle. I looked up, as did Jasper and everyone, waiting for an answer. Edward gasped quietly, his eyes widening, then quickly going back to normal. Carlisle was visibly upset, I could tell. Oh my God…

"We did all we could, Alice." Carlisle said calmly. "But she lost too much blood…her heart gave out… and she passed away." He was regretting this. He knew I cared about Roatan. But she was dead now. Dead. With no hope of return. I knew what he was thinking. I didn't need Edward's telepathy to tell. He was regretting making me work there. If I hadn't gotten close, maybe it wouldn't feel like my heart had been ripped to pieces.

Roatan. My Roatan. Dead. No. It was impossible. It was way too freaking impossible. Roatan. Was. Not. Dead. NO!

I remembered then that the girl who had said the thing about love and death was named Sarah, and she had been one of Carlisle's patients a few years back. She had died a month after admission, from leukemia. Geez. Did this all have to be like a Death Cab For Cutie song? I bit back my lip, wishing for the first time in 50 years that I could cry. To shed a tear for the girl who had given up on her life.

Roatan was gone. She was never going to come back.

And I had watched her die.

There would be times in the future when I'll wonder if I could have stopped her and if I could have saved her. But when you're so far gone that you forget about the one person who cares about you, can you really expect to be pulled away from the edge? When your mind has been destroyed, can it be fixed? I should have taken her away, changed her to a vampire, but when you wanted to die so badly, would immortality solve anything?

Roatan had been my best friend in the past few weeks, and I guess you could say she had become a sister to me. A little, drug-addicted suicidal sister. In retrospect, she would have killed herself anyway. I see now why they tell you not to get close to hospital patients, especially when you're a doctor, or even an intern, like me. The girl had tried to speak to someone, but in the end, nobody would listen.

I wonder if anybody would care besides me. If her slut of a mother would even care that her only child had died. If her runaway dad would see her face in the news and see the resemblance. If her cheating ex-boyfriend would regret what he had done. If her classmates would be ashamed. When you're all alone in the world, who would care?

Who would watch you fall to the ground and die?

*~*~*

Amongst the vending machines and year old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all

And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news

And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said

That "love is watching someone die"

So who's gonna watch you die?

So who's gonna watch you die?

So who's gonna watch you die?

What Sarah Said – Death Cab For Cutie

*~*~*

A/N: My first Twilight fic. It's very…angsty, that's all I can say. If you read between the lines, you can figure out Roatan is pretty much me and my two best friend's personalities combined. Roatan looks like I do and had the same stuff happen to her at school that I did, has really weird mood swings like Gabby, and is a suicidal drug addict like Mike was. And of course I had to put Death Cab For Cutie in there, because that song fits what Alice was thinking at the end so well, and I wanted my name to be in there somewhere. So of course, I borrowed the song lyrics. I wanted it to be like the song, so…yeah. I may end up writing humor, but I really had to get this out of my system. Attack of the plot bunnies, much? Don't review just to tell me Alice is OOC, or to complain that the other characters aren't in there enough. THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE! Because she really isn't being OOC, it's just that some of the stories on FanFiction make her OOC, and that's what everyone comes to expect. And it doesn't really need all the other people in the story, so that's why they're only mentioned in passing.

Mike'll probably be mad that I borrowed part of his last name once he reads this, but oh well! Roatan does have his personality, and I really like that name. Along with the name Micah, soooooooooo… and Micah is close enough to Mike's name that he'll know that I named her after him. Poor Mike.

Please Read and Review.

Bonus Trivia: What year did the song "What Sarah Said" come out, and is it really the title track of the Death Cab For Cutie CD Plans?

Heh, long author's note. I'll shut up now.