"If you leap awake in the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fraction of a second you can't remember where you are
Just open your window and follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star…"
- Father and Daughter, Paul Simon
It's finished! This is really similar to the feeling I had when I completed "The Foster Child in the Forensic Anthropologist." When you spend so much time on a story (even a fanfic), and really put a lot of yourself into it, there's always that bittersweet feeling at the end. You don't want it to be over—you want the story to go on, to live on, to keep being. You get attached, you get involved, and it becomes almost a relationship between you and the story. You give it life, and it gives you a pool in which you can reflect on your own.
Speaking of reflections… does the title of the story make sense now? I have had some people bring up the title with their theories as to where it came from, and nobody was wrong, really. There are a lot of things explored in here, and each of those avenues is really to some degree an accurate reflection of the meaning (excuse the pun). My main idea was that Booth had to reflect on his past, on the bad dream that he escaped and hoped to never return to. He had to put those nightmares to rest, to finally face them and understand them... and in understanding them, understand himself.
Because the truth is, you can't carry that around with you for your entire life, all that resentment and pain and anger, and just be "okay" with it. It always digs at you, and if you never let it go, it will just keep emptying you until there's nothing left. I'm sure all of you have had something happen in your life—be it the magnitude of what Booth faced in the story or not—that you had to square off with. Everyone does, and if you haven't, it's only because it's coming in the future (sorry, I don't mean to be a downer, but nobody escapes life without a few hard knocks).
When we are faced with those challenges, we can take them one of two ways. We can run from the pain and suffering, or bury it deep within us, whatever it takes to try and escape so we don't have to deal with it. The problem with that is that it doesn't go away, it just waits for the opportune moment to remind you that yes, it's still there, and you can't ignore it away. On the other hand, we can face it, and in facing it come to an understanding and move on.
That is what I wanted Booth to do with his father—to embrace what happened to him as a child and young adult, accept the pain, and move on with his life. Because his life is great now—he has Brennan, he has Parker, he has his job and his friends. He has grown into a true man, a good man, but he can't be a whole person with part of him weighed down by the pain of the past. Nobody can. I can't, you can't, not even our main man Booth can. Only by letting go can we grab onto something better, which is the gift of the here and now. You only have two hands; you can't hold tight to the past, and simultaneously reach out for all the good things life has to offer. You can only hold one, and as obvious as the right choice is, many of us have a hard time letting go.
Okay, I am getting off my soapbox now, I promise. (I think.) Throughout this fic I have credited the lyrics used in the beginning of each chapter, but as of yet I have not listed and credited the lyrics used in the title of each chapter. That I intend to do now, in order. Each of these songs is great, and each holds a special meaning to the chapter it heads off. If you haven't picked up on those meanings yet, maybe now you will.
Chapter 1: Lean on Me – Kirk Franklin
Chapter 2: Father of Mine – Everclear
Chapter 3: Wonderful – Everclear
Chapter 4: I Can – Nas
Chapter 5: Numb – Linkin Park
Chapter 6: I'll Stand By You – Carrie Underwood
Chapter 7: Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley
Chapter 8: Syndicate – The Fray
Chapter 9: Broken Bridge – Daughter Darling
Chapter 10: I Want a Mom – Cyndi Lauper
Chapter 11: Say When – The Fray
Chapter 12: Sweet Child o' Mine – Guns and Roses
Chapter 13: Flood – Jars of Clay
Chapter 14: Nobody's Home – Avril Lavigne
Chapter 15: The Story – Brandi Carlile
Chapter 16: In the Sun – Michael Stipe
Chapter 17: Soul Meets Body – Death Cab for Cutie
Chapter 18: Today Will Be Better, I Swear! – Stars
Chapter 19: Toy Soldiers – Martika
Chapter 20: Whispers in the Dark – Skillet
Chapter 21: Swans – Unkle Bob
Chapter 22: Float On – Modest Mouse
All songs are the property of their respective owners, and all are excellent. If you want to cry, listen to the song, "I Want a Mom" by Cyndi Lauper. It gave me the inspiration to write that chapter the way I did.
I guess that's all there really is left to say here. I sincerely hope you enjoyed reading this, because I loved writing it. For those of you who read, reviewed, favorited, alerted… thank you so much. It means the world to me, to know that you like what you've read and you want to read more. To read your reviews—your feelings, your stories, your triumphs, your pain—brings validation to everything I hope and pray about humanity. That people are good. That people survive. That people love, because above all things, love is all we have. It is all we have.
Really, I promise, I'm done now. The last thing I want to say before I go is simple and uncharacteristically succinct of me, and I hope you use it to your advantage in life:
Reflect.
Best,
K.E.