Twisted Power Rangers Christmas SongbookUPDATED, a power rangers fanfic

DISCLAIMER: OK, This typeface seemed right, given the time of year this is about. The songs aren't mine, they're Bob Rivers' Twisted Christmas Group, except for I Hope Your Christmas Didn't Suck Too Bad This Year, written by Jay Snider , Here's Your Christmas Sign, Fruitcake Makes Me Puke, and I'm Getting Sued By Santa Claus by Bill Engvall, who also makes a guest appearance here, along with Jeff Foxworthy and the 12 Redneck Days Of Christmas, and a couple of serious Christmas songs. The Power Rangers Aren't mine either, they're Saban's. Yup, The 12 Pains Of Christmas is here, too! Parody time folks!

A TWISTED POWER RANGERS CHRISTMAS SONGBOOK...UPDATED

C.A. TURNER

The Chimney Song

Kat is sitting in the window, looking towards the skies, and starts singing like a little girl:

KAT: There's something stuck up in the chimney

and I don't know what it is

but it's been there all night long.

well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night

but he never came and it don't seem right.

And there's something in the chimney

And it doesn't make a sound,

But I wish you a merry Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney

And I don't know what it is,

But it's been there all week long.

Well the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue

And we don't know what we're gonna do.

Cause there's something in the chimney

And it doesn't move around

And it's been a week since Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney

And I don't know what it is

But it's been there all month long.

Well, it's jammed up tight above the fireplace

Now the house smells funny, such a big disgrace.

That there's something in the chimney

And it doesn't talk at all

And it's been there since last Christmas.

There's something stuck up in the chimney

And I don't know what it is

But it's been there all year long.

I'll be waiting up for Santa like I did last year

But my brother says, he's already here...

And he's stuck up in the chimney

And he doesn't say a word

And he'll be there every Christmas.

And we'll have him every Christmas.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

Starts in Black and White. Made to look like a 1968 music shoot. Kimberly is singing lead. Her band is Zack on lead guitar, Tommy on bass guitar, Trini on keyboards, Jason on rhythm guitar, Kat on tambourine, and Billy on drums. Song starts slowly

KIMBERLY: I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you.

Song starts to pick up the pace. Band really starting to cook. Background singers revealed to be Tanya, Vida, Madison, Kira, and Lily.

KIMBERLY: I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
(So brightly everywhere)
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
(Laughter fills the air)
And everyone is singing
(oh yeah)
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me

Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
(all I'm asking for)
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is….

Flashes of red, pink, black, yellow, blue, purple, and white erupt, then the scene is now in color. Kimberly is in a pink mini dress with black go-go boots with white fur trim at the top. Trini and Kat are also dressed the same way, except their dresses are respectively yellow and purple. Jason, Tommy, Zack, and Billy are all wearing white pants with black boots. Zack is wearing a black, long sleeved shirt, Tommy's shirt is the same except white, Jason's is red, and Billy's is blue.

KIMBERLY: …you

All I want for Christmas is you baby
All I want for Christmas is you baby.

JINGLE HELLS BELLS

Mack trying to sound like a Punk rocker. Other Overdrive Rangers as his band.

Ho Ho Ho

Like Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin'

Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bitten

Big Marshall stacks and a broken E-string

These are a few of my favorite things

Ho Ho Ho

Penthouse apartments and twelve in a hot tub

Drinking Jack Daniels while getting a backrub

Little gold chains pinned to brass nipple rings

These are a few of my favorite things

We like bar fights

We like nose rings

We like eating snails

We always indulge in our favorite things

No wonder our skin's so pale

Girls in black leather with tight little tushes

Tattoos on big bosoms of prickly rose bushes

Silver stretch limos that come when I ring

These are a few of my favorite things

We like bar fights

We like nose rings

We like eating snails

We always indulge in our favorite things

No wonder our skin's

Jingle hell's bells

Ho Ho Ho

THE RESTROOM DOOR SAID "GENTLEMEN"

CHORUS: Carter, Joel, Chad, Ryan, Wes, Lucas, Trip, Eric, Cam.

CHORUS: The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"

so I just walked inside.

I took two steps and realized

I was taken for a ride.

I heard high voices, turned and found

the place was occupied,

By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

What could be worse?

Than two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse.

Solo by Eric

ERIC: The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"

it must have been a gag.

As soon as I walked in there,

I ran into some old hag.

She sprayed me with a can of mace

and smacked me with her bag.

I could tell this just wouldn't be my day.

What thing could I say?

It just wasn't turning out to be my day.

Chorus resumes

CHORUS: The restroom door said "Gentlemen,"

and I would like to find,

The crummy little creep who had

the nerve to switch the sign.

Cause I've got two black eyes

and one high-heel up my behind.

Now I can't sit with comfort and joy.

Boy, oh boy.

No, I'll never sit with comfort and joy.

WRECK THE MALLS

Kira jams on her guitar(Electric, for once)

KIRA: Wreck the malls this Christmas season

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Blow your cash for no good reason

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Push your charge card to the limit

Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;

Checkbook now has nothing in it.

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Trent joins, sounding like a muscle bound guy from the Bronx

TRENT: Wreck the malls with my friend Charlie

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Drive through K-Mart on his Harley

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Kira resumes

KIRA: Tamper with their muzak system

Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;

Trade something for Twisted Sister

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la.

CONNER: When do we sing?

ETHAN: Yeah, all we're doing is the 'Fa-la-la's

KIRA: There's a reason for that!

CONNER: Now that was brutal!

Kira resumes singing

KIRA: Wreck the pet store, do some damage

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Send the beagles on a rampage

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;

Acting in an uncouth manner

Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;

Drop your pants and moon at Santa

Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la.

O COME ALL YE GRATEFUL DEADHEADS

Chorus: Cassie, Ashley, TJ, Carlos, Andros, and Zhane

CHORUS: O come, all ye Grateful,

Deadheads to the concert.

O come, Grateful Deadheads,

And camp in the street.

Bring rolling papers,

Don't forget your sleeping bags.

O come get us some floor seats,

We've followed them for four weeks,

O come get us some floor seats,

To see the Lord.

O come, all ye hippies,

Throwbacks to the Sixties.

Paint flowers on your van,

And don't wash your feet.

Wear your bell-bottoms,

And your tie-dye t-shirts.

O come let us adore them,

We've quit our day jobs for them,

O come let us adore, them,

Garcia's the Lord.

TOY SACK

Tommy, Trini, Kimberly, Zack, and Jason as the B-52's

TOMMY: If you look up in the sky

On the night before Christmas,

There's a big fat guy with a...

KIMBERLY: Toy sack!

Toy sack, yeah!

TRINI: It's squeezing down your fireplace Christmas day!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: A million Barbie dolls packed away

Boxed up in a sack on a sleigh

ZACK: That jingle bell parka is a big as a whale

They put everything in the toy sack

They shove in a Chrysler

And a TV from Sony

So, hurry up, and pack that Shetland pony!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: The toy sack is a magical place where Santa puts the presents

Toy sack, baby!

JASON: This sack's heavy!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Toy sack!

Break Santa's back!

Call a chiropractor

Crack Santa's back!

ZACK: Luggin', and a tuggin,

Huffin'and a puffin'

Reachin' in the bag

There's an Easy-Bake Oven!

Now back up the chimney

Yeah, it's strainin' Santa's jimmies!

The sack's not skinny

But every year he lugs it

Around and around and around and around!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Reindeer are a hoofin'

Ain't no time for goofin' baby!

ZACK: Elves lining up to pack toys for your town, baby

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Bag is always movin'

Somethin's in there poopin', baby!

ZACK: Puppies in the sack!

There's puppies in the sack!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: The toy sack is a magical place where Santa puts the presents

Toy sack, baby!

JASON: This sack's heavy!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Toy sack!

Break Santa's back!

Call a chiropractor

Crack Santa's back!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Toy sack!

ZACK: Sing a little louder!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Toy sack!

ZACK: I can't hear you!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Toy sack! (4 more times)

ZACK: Have a what?

TRINI: MERRY

CHRISTMAS!

TRINI & KIMBERLY: Toy sack

Santa's toy sack!

Toy sack

Santa's toy sack!

ZACK: Have a merry Christmas!

That's a lot of toys in the toy sack!

I'M DRESSIN' UP LIKE SANTA (When I get Out on Parole)

Prison cell. Carter is there, about to sing

CARTER: I'm Dressin' Up Like Santa Claus on Christmas
As soon as I can get out on parole
I'll hang out on your street
Your kids I'd love to meet
As soon as I get out of this rat hole

I won't mind just sliding down your chimney
'Cause I just spent fifteen years shovelin' coal
I'm dressin' up like Santa Claus on Christmas
As soon as I can get out on parole

I'm anxious to get out among the living
And I'm makin' up a list of those to see
Duded up in red and white instead of these old stripes
Just think of how surprised they will be

The old home town will sure be glad to see me
'Cause by now it slipped their minds how much I stole
I'm dressin' up like Santa Claus on Christmas
As soon as I can get out on parole

I'm careful to be on my best behavior
'Cause the warden's watching every thing I do
Thank God he didn't see that fight in cell block 3
Or I'd be stuck here till I'm 92
Just a few more questions from that nice committee
Then through those rusty gates I'll proudly stroll
I'm dressin' up like Santa Claus on Christmas
As soon as I can get out on parole
As soon as I can get out on parole

WE WISH YOU WEREN'T LIVING WITH US

Chorus: Kimberly, Zack, Trini, Jason, Tommy, Kat, Tanya, Rocky, Billy, Cole, Taylor, Merrick, Danny, Max, Alyssa, Conner, Trent, Ethan, Kira.

CHORUS: We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here.

You drive everybody crazy,
You're hopelessly fat and lazy,
You're constantly in the way here,
So pack up your gear.

ADAM: GET OUT!

CHORUS: You're feeding your face,
You're taking up space,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We're not happy you're here.

ADAM: CLOSE THE REFRIGERATOR!

CHORUS: Correct us if we're mistaken
But those are long distance calls you're makin'
How long do you plan on takin'
Advantage of us?

ADAM: PAY UP!!

CHORUS: We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
We wish you weren't living with us,
Get out of town.
ADAM: NOW!

A Visit From St. Nicholson

Zack is reading aloud to a group of kids sitting around him.

ZACK: 'Twas the fright before Christmas; no one up except me
With a big bowl of popcorn, watching TV
I stretched, gave a yawn, settled back in my chair
In hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there

The children were lying awake without sleep
They'd seen all his movies; he gives them the creeps
I'd cued up "Cuckoo's Nest" with my trusty remote
To the part where he had all the nuts in the boat

When out in the yard there arose such a noise
I turned off the TV to see what it was
And what to my wondering eyes should approach
But the Los Angeles Lakers and Pat Riley their coach

The limo was racing, the team at its heels
That's when I saw him, the man at the wheel
He ranted and cursed, waved 'round his swizzle stick
And I knew in a second it must be Jack Nic'

More rapid than the Celtics these Lakers they came
He screamed like a madman and called them by name

Jason joins, imitating Jack Nicholson
JASON: "Now, Magic! Now, Worthy! Now, Scott and Kareem!
On, Cooper! On, Rambis and the rest of the team!"

ZACK: Down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a groan
Then he brushed off the soot and said...

JASON: "Honey, I'm home."

ZACK: He was wearing a trench coat; with beer it was stained
And his shirt clawed to shreds by Shirley MacLaine

He had a fat face and a flabby beer belly
From too many trips to the bar and the deli

JASON: "Its tough when an actor becomes fat and lazy
I only get calls to play weirdoes and crazies
And middle-aged has-beens with washed-up careers
But I'll fix 'em all and play Santa this year!"

Zack resumes his tale

ZACK: And with that he buried his head in the sack and said
JASON: "Let's see what you get from your old buddy Jack
A hatchet for Daddy," he reared back his head
"To scare all those little buggers upstairs in bed
And a stiff drink for Mommy in a nice tall glass
She can really use somethin' to kill that bug up her chimney"

Zack takes over again

ZACK: With a wink of his eye and a twist of his face
He threw all the stockings into the fireplace
What could I do? What would I say?
What would I wear on my feet Christmas day?
I asked for a reason, and turning his head
He looked straight at me, and here's what he said

JASON: "Why? Do you wanna know why? Do you really wanna know why, Pal?
I'll tell you why
When you're out Christmas shoppin'
You know, doin' your little Christmas things with
All your little Christmas friends
Spreadin' all that Christmas cheer with those stupid Christmas songs
Did ya ever stop and think
Of pickin' up a little something for ol' Jack? Huh?
Did ya ever stop to think what Jack might like for Christmas?
"You know! Jack, from the movies... up on the big screen...
Pourin' his heart out, givin' it everything he's got Day in and day out
Just trying as hard as he can to bring a tiny little bit of sunshine
Into your miserable little humdrum lives
"Did ya ever think of good ol' Jack, huh? For a second? No!
Not once! Maybe ol' Jack just wasn't that good, huh?
Maybe I wasn't good enough in 'The Postman Always Rings Twice.'
Actin' my guts out for ya in that one
'Cuckoo's Nest,' 'The Shining,' 'Witches of Freakin' Eastwick,' 'Prizzi's Freakin' Honor' 'Batman'
All for you, Pal. Just to brighten things up for ya.
"Not good enough, though, is it? No!
You want me to brighten up the Christmas season, too, huh?
Isn't that what you want, Pal?
OK, let's make things real bright around here
What do you say we decorate the tree?
String up these pretty lights here
Oh, she's lookin' brighter already
Why don't we take this cute little angel
And ram her on the top branch, huh? Huh? Heh-heh-heh.
How 'bout some gasoline for the whole freakin' thing
Honey, let's make her just as bright as she can be
"Whaddya say we light her up
And chuck her through the ol' picture window here, huh, Pal?
No sense havin' a tree as bright as all that
Without givin' the neighbors a chance to see, don't ya think? Huh?
There! Aren't you glad ol' Jack stopped by? Huh? Huh? Huh? Hah!"

Zack resumes, and at this point, boy, are we grateful!

ZACK: The flames towered brightly in the cold wintry sky
As he made for his limo and bade his goodbye
And an age may unfold ere I fail to regret
That visit from St. Nicholson, which I'd sooner forget

But I swear by the goose bumps upon my skin
That I'll always remember that devilish grin
And his voice crying out ere he faded from sight
JASON: "Merry Christmas to all, and I hope I never see ya again
As long as I live, for cryin' out loud!"

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire

Max starts to sing, as he is standing next to a roaring yule fire

MAX: Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
("Oh! That tickles!")
Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir
They poked hot skewers through their nose
("Ow! Wrong end, ya cowboy!")
Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat
Will really hit the spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
("Ho ho ho ho ho ho")
There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
("Mmmm...Hey, look at that!")
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sing when they fry
And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let's hope they get served many times many ways
Tasty Chipmunks; good food
Merrick is dressed like a Mr. Seville

MERRICK: On that, Mr. Cole,
MAX: Yes, sir, Mr. Seville?
MERRICK: Would you mind handing me the barbeque sauce? I am starved!
MAX: Oh,no problem Dave. Hey listen, you best be havin' two of those drumsticks, because they're oh-so tiny and there ain't much meat upon 'em
(What about animal rights, Dave?)
MERRICK: Put a sock in it Alvin. You know, for years people said you over-rated hamsters were my meal ticket. Now I guess you could just say you're my meal!
MAX: That's a good one, Dave...I always knew you was the funny one in the group!"
MERRICK: Damn straight!
Max resumes singing
MAX: And so I'm offering some recipes
From chipmunk pie to chipmunk stew
I'm not really sad that it ended this way
Furry chipmunks... screw you

MERRICK: Did you hear that Alvin? Alvin? Allllviiiiin?"
MAX: Why, I'm sorry Dave, did you want Alvin? There's plenty of Theodore left though..."

Parody of Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by Elmo & Patsy)

TOMMY: Osama got run over by a reindeer
Right outside his cave on Christmas Eve
Some folks say there's no such thing as Santa
But now even the Taliban believe

Osama thought we'd never find him
But even little children know
Santa knows who's been real naughty
In those hard Afgani mountains capped with snow

Al-quiada found him Christmas morning
Face down on that mountain pass
There were hoof marks on his turban
And a broken reindeer antler up his oh-ho-ho-ho-ho

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Being near his cave door on christmas eve
You can say theres no such thing as karma
But if you saw those hoof marks you'd believe

Sing it

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Now he's not around on Christmas day
He was hopin he'd be metting Allah
The only thing he met was Santa's sleigh

Merry Christmas

Ooh, that's gotta hurt!

WALKIN' 'ROUND IN WOMEN'S UNDERWEAR

Chorus: Shane, Dustin, Cam, Blake

CHORUS: Lacey things, Tori's missin'
Didn't ask for her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes, her silk pantyhose
Walking 'round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy
With little straps like spaghetti
It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night
Walking 'round in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say, "Are you read?", I'll say, "Wooohh man!
Just wait until Tori's out of town..."

By now, Tori is pissed...and rightfully so.

Later on, if you wanna
We can dress like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade, and join the parade
Walking 'round in women's underwear

Lacey things, missing
Didn't ask, permission
Wearing her clothes, silk pantyhose
Walking 'round in women's underwear...

Walking 'round in women's underwear...
Walking 'round in women's underwear!

TORI(charging in with a alunimum baseball bat): YOU BASTARDS ARE DEAD MEAT!

Tori starts swinging

TEDDY THE RED NOSED SENATOR

Cassie, Ashley, Zhane, TJ, Carlos, and Andros as the Chorus

CHORUS: You know Hitler, and Caesar, and Stalin, and Nixon , the Ayatollah, and David the Clansman, but do you recall, the most famous politician of all?

Billy steps forward and starts to sing

BILLY: Teddy the red-nosed senator
Had a very shiny car,
And if you ever saw it,
You were probably near a bar.

All of the other senators
Wondered how he got his dames,
They thought he drank too many
To join in any bedroom games.

Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say,
"Teddy with your nose so red,
Won't you help me guide my sled?

That's how the police found them
Wrapped around the maple tree,
Teddy, the red-nosed senator,
He's a drunken S.O.B.!

CHORUS: He's a drunken S.O.B.!

I Hope Your Christmas Didn't Suck Too Bad This Year

Hunter looks at everyone in the audience

HUNTER: Christmas is over
Too bad that it's gone
But now that it's over
It's time for this song

I hope your Christmas didn't suck too bad this year
'Cause Christmas tends to suck, don't you agree?
I hope that Christmas didn't suck too bad this year
'Cause Christmas tended to suck pretty bad for me

Christmas Muzak everywhere you go
Makes me lose my lunch
Come here, fatso Santa boy
Here's a little punch

I hope that Christmas didn't suck too bad this year
'Cause Christmas tended to suck pretty bad for me

Crowded malls and talking dolls
They all scream so hard
Blow your hard-earned dough
So you're a slave to MasterCard

I hope your Christmas didn't suck too bad this year
'Cause Christmas tended to suck pretty bad for me
Christmas tended to suck for me
Christmas tended to suuuuuuuuuuuuuck pretty bad for me

Words and Music by Jay Snyder

SANTA CLAUS IS FOOLING AROUND

Kimberly speaks into microphone all sexed up

KIMBERLY: Hi, Santa. I've been waiting all year for you to come down my chimney.

Scene expands to reveal Kimberly at a microphone, with Jason holding a electric guitar, dressed like Bruce Springsteen, Tommy, Zack, Trini, Kimberly, Kira, and Billy as his version of the 'E Street Band. Jason starts the song...

JASON: It's all cold after midnight mass, and the wind's whippin through the parking lot. Your girlfriend been acting funny?

TOMMY: Hey, big man, your old lady been walking around funny, like she's been with a really big man?

JASON: Yeah!

TOMMY: Oh, Man, that's not good! Finding Christmas cookie crumbs in your bed and a red stocking cap in the bathroom that ain't yours?

JASON: Yup.

TOMMY: Oh, man, I think I know what's goin' on around here!

Jason starts to sing

JASON: You better watch out for that holiday guy!

You shouldn't go out, I'm telling you why...

Santa Claus is foolin' around!

Santa's north polin' around!

Santa Claus is Foolin' around!

He's checking his list,

He's grabbin' his fly,

He's leavin' his gift,

Then hittin' the sky!

Santa Claus is foolin' around!

Santa's clothes are hitting the ground!

Santa's with your woman right now!

TRINI(also sexed up): Oh, Santa!

JASON: He creeps in when they're sleepin',

He charms them with his wink,

He's doing stuff no Santa should,

You'd better get home for Christmas' sake!

ZACK & TOMMY: Better get home and don't be late!

JASON: You better watch out for that man in the sky,

You better not trust that jolly old guy,

Santa Claus is foolin around,

Santa Claus is runnin around,

Mrs Claus is huntin him down!

Billy imitates Santa

BILLY: Booyah, Booyah!

Who's been a naughty girl?

Who's your Santa?

Prancer, Vixen...Ho, Ho, Ho.

KIRA: Is that a candy cane in your pocket?

JASON: Santa Claus is foolin around,

set 'em up in every town,

Santa Claus is screwin' around

Santa's clothes are hittin' the ground!

Santa's at the chimney right now,

Slidin' down your bedroom right now...

Santa Claus is foolin around!

KIMBERLY: Oh, you have to go already? I know you're busy...call me!

BILLY(as Santa): HO HO HO!

Song ends as Taylor and Alyssa come on in front of the camera

ALYSSA: Hey! Mrs Claus ain't no innocent virgin either!

TAYLOR: Yeah! And here's proof!

ME AND MRS. CLAUS

Cole slides up against the mike and starts to sing

COLE: Me and Mrs. Claus

We got a thing going on

We both know that it's naughty,

But when Santa's gone, we're loose at the North Pole now.

We meet every Christmas eve as Kris Kringle leaves

6:30. The reindeer team's in the air

Sexy toys, making all kinds of noise

While the Jack In The Box displays her mistletoe thong

Me…and…Mrs….Mrs. Claus

We got a Thing going on

We got to be extra careful

We got those toys to build

And I'm just a Santa's one shop guy.

I wanna sneak off and unwrap you behind the old man's sleigh

Same time as last year.

Rudolph knows, and Frosty knows, and even Herbie knows That it's wrong.

LAST CHRISTMAS

A scene around a Christmas tree. Zack gives Tanya a gift, and she kisses him. The scene is repeated by Billy & Trini, Nick & Madison, Wes & Jen, Eric & Taylor, Andros & Cassie, Jason & Kat, and finally Tommy & Kimberly. Tommy whispers to Kim…

TOMMY: Happy Christmas

Scene changes to a ski resort. Same couples, joined by Adam. Jason does the chorus.

JASON: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Adam starts to sing

ADAM: Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance, But you still catch my eye
Tell me baby, do you recognize me?
Well, It's been a year, it doesn't surprise me

TOMMY(whispering): Happy Christmas

ADAM: I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you", I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again

JASON: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Adam resumes singing

ADAM: A crowded room, friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you, and your soul of ice
My god I thought you were someone to rely on
Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

JASON: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

ADAM: A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover buy you tore him apart
Maybe next year I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special.

WHAT"S IT TO YA?

Chorus: Kat, Tanya, Rocky, Adam, Cassie, Ashley, Carlos, TJ, Andros, Zhane, Cole, Taylor, Max, Alyssa, Merrick, and Danny, Led by Princess Shayla

CHORUS: What's it to ya?

What's it to ya?

What difference does it make?

What's it to ya?

What difference does it make?

Why don't you mind your own damn business?

What's it to ya?

Why must you bother me when I'm thinking?

What's it to ya?

Why don't you mind your own damn business?

What's it to ya?

It's none of your concern,

So just buzz off!

It's none of your concern,

So just buzz off!

And we shall complain forever and ever

Leave far from me,

And just walk afar

And we shall complain forever and ever

Don't bother

For ever and ever

What's it to ya?

What's... it... to... ya?

LITTLE HOOTERS GIRL

At Hooters. Taylor is wearing a Hooters outfit as Cole, Merrick, Max, Danny, Jason, Tommy, and Billy (the Chorus), start to sing…

CHORUS: Little Hooters girl
Her rubber tight buns
A groovy pair to see
Double D fun
She brings me chicken wings
A ton, a ton, ton

She wears tight, skimpy things
Her tummy tight tum, rubber tight buns
Look at them guns

Oh, to ogle them,
Her rubber tight buns
That's why we come

Little Hooters girl
She's not a dumb-dumb,
She brings cold beer to me and poured us all some,
A birthday song they sang with mighty big lungs
Across the bar they hang her rubber tight bum, double D fun,
Had her boobs done

Then she smiled at me, I'll tip a big ton,
me and my chums
Look at them guns
Had her boobs done

FRUITCAKE MAKES ME PUKE

Tommy is holding a fruitcake, gets a look of terror on his face, and starts to sing

TOMMY: Every year at Christmas time, my mates all like to bake

We make cookies, cakes, rolls, bread, and pie

But someone always end up giving me a fruitcake

And when I tell them that I ate it, it's a lie

I use one for an anchor for my boat out on the lake

I made barbells for my cousins Merle and Luke

But if I try to eat one, my intestines start to quake

'Cause fruitcake Makes Me Puke

Fruitcake Makes Me Puke

Happens Every time I eat it, so I know it's not a fluke

Fruitcake Makes Me Puke

It's one thing about Christmas no one can dispute,

Fruitcake Makes Me Puke

I keep one in my office as a handy paperweight

I hear they're used as hammers in Dubuque,

But when I try to eat some, I can't get it off the plate,

"Cause Fruitcake makes me puke

And the main thing about Fruitcake that I have found

It looks the same way coming up as it does goin' down

Fruitcake Makes Me Puke

Happens Every time I eat it, so I know it's not a fluke

Fruitcake Makes Me Puke

It's one thing about Christmas no one can dispute,

Fruitcake Makes Me Puke

Yeah, it's one thing about Christmas no one can dispute,

Fruitcake Makes Me Puke

Here's Your Sign Christmas
Bill Engvall

Chorus: Jason, Tommy, Kat Tanya, Rocky, Adam, Billy, Trini, Mack, Ronny, Will, Rose, Tyzonn, Dax, Cassie, Ashley, TJ, Andros, Carlos, Zhane.

ZACK: Man, I swear, it looks like around the Christmas season, people's brains go on vacation!

KIMBERLY: You're telling me! It's like they went as one and took a taxi!

BILL ENGVALL: I couldn't help but hear you. You're right! Stupidity does seem to rule at this time.

ZACK & KIMBERLY: (both understanding): Christmas shopping?

BILL: For starters. There's more…

(Music starts. Bill starts to speak to music)

I took my son to the mall the other day to see Santa Claus
The woman in line behind me says "hey is that Santa Claus up there"?
I said "no ma'am, it's a Kenny Rogers stunt double"

Here's your sign

The other day I bought a wreath to go on our front door
as I was walking out the store a man stopped me and said
"Hey, are you going to hang that on your door"?
I said "No sir, it's a Christmas toilet seat cover, got the idea from Martha Stewart"

Zack & Kimberly start giggling as Bill continues…

BILL: I hung those little Christmas lights on my house, you know the kind that blink on and off
My neighbor comes over and says
"Bill how do you get those to blink on and off like that"?
I said "I've got my son inside plugging and unplugging it, plugging and unplugging it"

Here's your sign

I took my family to buy a Christmas tree the other night
When we walked onto the lot this guy walked up to me and says
"Hey, y'all here to buy a Christmas tree?"
I said, "no sir, my son needs to go to the bathroom and these trees looked really inviting"

CHORUS: (Singing): Here's your sign, Here's your sign, Here's your stupid sign
You acted dumb, so have some fun and wear your stupid sign
Oh! Here's your sign, Here's your sign, Here's your stupid sign
you lost your mind, so pay the fine and wear your stupid sign
Here's your sign, Here's your sign, Here's your stupid sign
have no fear when you're spreading cheer during Christmas time

By this time, our favorite Black & Pink Rangers are laughing their asses off as Bill continues…

BILL: The other night my family and I were walking through the neighborhood looking at all the Christmas decorations
when we came across this house that had a manger scene
now there was this whole group of people looking at it when I overheard this one guy say
"Hey, are those the Three Wise Men"?
I said "No sir that's ZZ Top doing a Farm Aid concert."

Here's your sign, Here's your sign, here's your stupid sign
(have no fear when you're spreading cheer during Christmas time)

And finally my wife and I were in a grocery store the other day and I heard a woman ask the clerk
"Do you know what time Midnight Mass starts on Christmas Eve"?
And in the holiday spirit I walked over and said "Here's your sign"

ZACK, KIMBERLY, BILL, CHORUS: Happy holidays everybody!

I'M GETTING SUED BY SANTA CLAUS
BILL ENGVALL

ADAM: Christmas Day will not be very merry
Explaining to the children will be hard
Well it's Christmas Eve tonight
And our beagle picked a fight
With some reindeer that were grazing in our yard

I let the dog outside to do his business
I forgot to hook his leash up to the peg
First he and Cupid came to blows
Then he bit Rudolph on the nose
And when I got there he was eyeing Prancers leg

Now I'm getting sued by Santa Claus
He's claiming mental anguish in his case
Yeah, I'm getting sued by Santa Claus
And my kids won't even look me in the face

I tried to throw myself on Santa's mercy
I begged him but I wasn't gettin' thru
I said " it's all your fault you know "
He said " now how can that be so? "
I said " because we got the stupid dog from you!"

Now I'm getting sued by Santa Claus
He's claiming mental anguish in his case
Yeah, I'm getting sued by Santa Claus
And my kids won't even look me in the face

Oh I'm gettin' sued by Santa Claus
He's claiming mental anguish in his case
Yeah, I'm getting sued by Santa Claus
And my kids won't even look me in the face

Yeah, I'm getting sued by Santa Claus
Now I'm bunkin' with the beagle at his place

Spoken: Couldn't we just settle out of court?

IT'S THE MOST FATTENING TIME OF THE YEAR

A meal scene. Around the table, in order: Trini, Kimberly, Tommy, Zack, Dana, Cassie, Ashley, Cole, TJ, Andros, Carlos, Adam, Tanya, Jason, Kat, Billy, Zhane, Casey, Lily, Theo, Jen, Lucas, Wes, Eric, RJ, Dominic, Fran, Taylor, Max, Princess Shayla, Merrick, Ronny, Will, Rose, Dax, Mack, Tyzonn, Joel, Kelsey, Ryan, Chad, Alyssa, Nick, Vida, Madison, Chip, Xander, Udonna, Daggeron, Kira, Ethan, Trent, Conner, Danny, Rocky, Karone, Katie, Trip, and Carter, who begins to sing

CARTER: It's the most fattening time of the year

With that pumpkin pie filling

and everyone swilling down eggnog and beer

It's the most fattening time of the year

It's the lip smackingest season of all

while your shopping you're cheating

impulsively eating that junk at the mall

It's the heav-heaviest season of all

There'll be turkeys for basting

and stuffing for tasting

and giblets and gravy will flow

there'll be cookies that mom baked

and leftover fruit cake from a christmas a long time ago

It's the scale flattening time of the year

while your diet you're blowing

there's calories going straight down to your rear

it's the scale flattening time of the year

Richard Simmons runs in and starts blathering about not eating instead.

RICHARD SIMMONS: Hey, Wait a minute, wait a minute! I know there's food everywhere! Eggnog just flowing out of fountains! But you don't have to do that! You can have small portions, or even none! And make ribbons instead of fudge! You can do it, please try!

He is promptly attacked by Trini, Kira, Conner, Ethan, Tommy, and Zack, while Kimberly says this:

KIMBERLY: Hey, Simmons, Shut the hell up! We have to do all that stupid shit you suggest all year long! It's Christmas, for Christ sakes! Give it a rest, or we're gonna force feed your ass!

RICHARD SIMMONS: NO! PLEASE! HELLLLLLLLLP!

Carter resumes singing

CARTER: There'll be after meal dosing

and arteries closing

cholesterol levels will grow

it's too cold to go jogging,

Too brisk for tobogganing

so pass me a hot buttered roll

RICHARD SIMMONS: Put down that roll!

KIMBERLY: THAT'S IT! GET HIM!

The aforementioned Rangers hogtie Richard to a chair, and start force feeding him food, while Carter resumes singing

CARTER: It's the most fattening time of the year

All those gingerbread shingles and

chocolate Kris Kringles' will tremble in fear

It's the most fattening time,

it's the belt loosening time,

it's the most fattening time of the year

Kimberly holds a huge plate of turkey and stuffing and walks to a helpless Richard Simmons

KIMBERLY: Open wide, Richard, honey!

RICHARD SIMMONS: HELLLLLLLLLLP!

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (REDNECK VERSION)

CHORUS: Tommy, Kimberly, Zack, Trini, Billy, Kat, Rocky, Tanya, Adam, Nick, Vida, Xander, Chip, Madison, Casey, Lily, Theo

JASON:(Spoken) Woo! Somebody done been to the WalMart!
JEFF FOXWORTHY: Man, this is the stuff I got for Christmas.
JASON: Well you cleaned up, whatcha get?

Chorus: 5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shot gun shells
2 huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT

JASON: Man, you got gypped, there's 12 days to Christmas!
JEFF: I know that, I got it covered! Look over there in the corner!
JASON: That's yours too?
JEFF: Yeah!

CHORUS: 12 pack of bud
11 wrestlin' tickets
Tin a' copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of redman
6 cans of spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shot gun shells
2 huntin dogs
and some parts to a Mustang GT

JASON: Man, these ain't normal christmas presents!
JEFF: Naw, they're Redneck Gifts!
JASON: Redneck gifts?
JEFF: Yeah, like if you buy your wife earrings that double as fishin' lures,
or if you can burp the entire chorus to Jingle Bells.
Perhaps if you think that the nut cracker is something you did off the high dive
or if you've ever misspelled anything in Christmas lights
or if you leave cold beer and pickled eggs for Santa Claus!
JASON: What's wrong with that?
JEFF: I didn't say anything's wrong with it, it's hard to beat.
JASON: Well, you know you can't really consider it Christmas unless you go down to the penitentiary and visit your Momma
JEFF: You're not listening to me, get the car key out of your ear, that's where the 9 years probation comes in. Now I'm gonna do it for you again, listen
CHORUS: 12 pack of bud
11 wrestlin' tickets
Tin a' copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of redman
6 cans of spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shot gun shells
2 huntin dogs
and some parts to a Mustang GT

JEFF: Jason, Are you cryin'?
JASON: Naw, just my allergies

Happy Holidays everybody!

DIDN'T I GET THIS LAST YEAR?

Zack is in front of a fully decorated Christmas tree, and starts to sing

ZACK: Said my nephew Tim to his Aunt Louise

Didn't I get this last year?

Same thing every year, Aunt Louise

Didn't I get this last year?

Some socks, some socks, and tiny BVDs

But I can't get them up past my knees.

Could you return them please, Aunt Louise?

Open this one first, Uncle Bob

Didn't I get this last year?

Try to act surprised, Uncle Bob

But I got this last year

But he got this last year

A tie, A tie, wider than a mile

With a pattern way out of style

Said my girlfriend to my neighbors 'cross the street

I think we got this last year

What a thoughtful gift, Peg and Al

I think we got this last year

A plant, a plant, in a moldy mayonnaise jar

They must have dug one up from their yard

What my niece and nephew gave me on Christmas day

Didn't I get this last year

Exactly what I want, every year,

Didn't I get this last year

Surprise, surprise, a coupon for some fries

That was really thoughtful, you guys

I'LL BE STONED FOR CHRISTMAS

Rocky is standing outside, about to go in and join the fun

ROCKY: I'll be stoned for Christmas

You can plan on me

I must insist on the lemon twist

Martinis by the tree

Christmas eve, you'll find me

Sparking up some green

Rolling bones for Christmas dinner

And sipping Irish Cream

I'll be stoned for Christmas

You can plan on me

I must insist on the lemon twist

Martinis by the tree

Santa Claus will be flying

With his reindeer team

But I'll be crawlin 'round the floor this Christmas

'Cause Adam hid my keys

THE 12 PAINS OF CHRISTMAS

Chorus: Andros, Cassie, Ashley, TJ, Carlos, & Zhane:

CHORUS: The 1st thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

Cut to Aisha & Tanya at a tree lot

...is finding a Christmas tree.

CHORUS: the 2nd thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

ADAM: Wringing up the lights

CHORUS: and finding a Christmas tree. (Aisha & Tanya talk over types of trees to get

CHORUS: the 3rd thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

ROCKY(after a wild party): Hangovers!

ADAM(trying to keep his cool):Wringing up the lights...

CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree!

CHORUS: The 4th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

BILLY(at a desk): Sending Christmas cards...

ROCKY: Hangovers!

ADAM: Wringing up the lights! (snarling)

CHORUS: and finding a Christmas tree!

CHORUS: The 5th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

TRINI(also at desk, chorus backing her): 5 months of bills!

BILLY: Sending these damn cards!

ROCKY: Hangovers!

ADAM(has completely lost it): I'M TRYING TO WRING UP THESE LIGHTS! CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree!(Aisha & Tanya are starting to lose their cool)

CHORUS: The 6th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

KIMBERLY: Facing my in-laws!

TRINI: 5 months of...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FOR?!?

BILLY: Send...who's this?

ROCKY: Hang...ooooh!

ADAM: WHAT...WE'VE GOT NO EXTENTION CORDS?

CHORUS: and finding a Christmas tree!(Both girls start yelling at each other)

CHORUS: The 7th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

TOMMY: Charities!(Turns to look at Kimberly)...AND WHATTYA MEAN YOUR IN- LAWS?!?

TRINI: $256.00 for tinsel?

BILLY: Who's Mildred?

ROCKY: Make it stop!

ADAM: GET A FLASHLIGHT, I BLEW A FUSE!

CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree!(Yelling has since become screaming)

CHORUS: The 8th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

ZACK: Stale TV specials!

TOMMY: Do I look like Donald Trump?!?

KIMBERLY: Hell, yeah, I mean my in-laws!

TRINI: WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU GET THE TURKEY FROM?!?

BILLY: Do we know a Lisa?

ROCKY: Oooh, I'd better lie down!

ADAM: ONE LIGHT GOES OUT, THEY ALL GO OUT!

CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree!

CHORUS: The 9th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

JASON(snarling): Finding parking spaces!

ZACK: Frosty the Snowman again? AAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!

TOMMY: I am NOT an ATM Machine!

KIMBERLY: I gotta make dinner for these turkeys!

TRINI: I AM NOT PAYING THIS ONE!

BILLY: Who the hell is Michael?

ROCKY: ZZZZZZ

ADAM: WHY THE HELL AREN'T THEY BLINKING?

CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree!

CHORUS: The 10th thing at christmas that's such a pain to me...

KAT(angrily): Batteries not included!

JASON: MOVE IT, YOU IDIOT!

ZACK: Wasn't this on last year?

TOMMY: GET A JOB, YA BUM!

KIMBERLY: She's a witch, I hate her!

TRINI: AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH!

BILLY: I'm not sending anymore, that's it!

ROCKY: (snoring)

ADAM: FINE, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU WRING UP THE LIGHTS!

CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree (Aisha & Tanya's yelling has become a slap fight.)

CHORUS: The 11th thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me...

LEO & KAI(fighting over Kendrix, and saying this about each other): Spending time with him!

KAT: I wonder what Alpha runs on?

JASON: HEY, GRANDMA, LET'S PICK IT UP!

ZACK: Not Rudolph again!

TOMMY: Has anyone heard of working for a living?

KIMBERLY: She's always critical! I HATE HER!

TRINI: (Banging her head against the wall)

BILLY: Screw this!(Throws Christmas cards into the fireplace)

ROCKY: ZZZZZZZZZZ!

ADAM: NO! THE OTHER STRAND WENT OUT!

CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree!(Aisha's pulling Tanya's hair. Tanya hauls off and pops Aisha in the jaw.)

CHORUS: The 12th thing at christmas that's such a pain to me...

JEN(to Justin): There is NO Santa Claus!

KAI(has Leo bound and gagged, and is trying to make time with Kendrix): Now to spend some time with you!

KAT: The zords ran a lot better than this.

JASON:(beating the crap out of Wes for cutting him off from his parking space)

ZACK: It's not such a wonderful life if you were stuck watching bad Christmas TV in Angel Grove!

TOMMY: That's it! I'm declaring bankruptcy!

KIMBERLY: I've had it! I'm gonna go ninja on the bitch!

TRINI: Tommy, can I borrow some money?

BILLY: Get those damn cards away from me!

ROCKY: Huh? (awakened by a kiss from Serene Angel)

ADAM: Stringing lights on the christmas tree!(Has Alpha tied up with christmas lights and a ribbon, with a star on the top of his head)

CHORUS: And finding a Christmas tree!(We see Tanya driving off with a tree in the passenger side, and an unconsious, bloody Aisha strapped to the roof.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!