Awkward Stains

26.12.08

I yawn. "I am exhausted."

Jason looks at me like I'm crazy. "It's eight thirty. How are you tired?"

"Because I am! Skiing beats the shit out of me."

"Does it really, Shane? Does it really beat the shit out of you?" Jason laughs.

"Yes. It does. Now let's go to bed."

"But… What about watching 'Ugly Betty?'"

"Sorry, Betty, maybe if you weren't so ugly, I'd watch your show." I grab Jason's arm. "Come on. Sleep." I pull him over to the bed.

Jason sits down on the bed. "I don't like this bed! Make Nate switch with us!"

"I already tried! I hate this bed, too!"

Nate, Jason, and I are all staying in two hotel rooms while on a skiing vacation. But, here's the thing: One of the beds is awkwardly uncomfortable and no one wants to sleep on it. Only we made a deal to switch off, and it's our night tonight.

I take off my socks. "But when you're as tired as me, sleeping on a hardwood floor with nothing but a sheet is good enough. Trust me, I've done it before."

"Since when?"

"Since last summer when we went to San Francisco. There were no more beds in Uncle Brown's house."

"He only has one bed."

"Exactly. That's why I slept on the floor."

Jason and I pull the comforter back. Then something catches both of our eyes.

It was an awkward white stain on the left side of the bed.

We take one look at it and both go at the same time, "EWWW!!"

"Oh my god, who slept here last night?" Jason asks.

"Um… Nate."

Jason screams again. "That's disgusting!"

"Okay, well I call the right side of the bed," I say, plopping myself down. "Have fun sleeping near that."

"No! I get to sleep on the right side; I am not getting anywhere near Nate's sperm stain!" Jason says, pushing me off the bed.

"Yeah, and you think I want to sleep near it?" I ask, pushing him over so I can lie down on the un-stained side.

"Yes!"

"And why would I do that?"

"Because you're gay!"

"Yeah, well so are you!"

"I'm not gay, I'm bisexual!"

"Big difference…"

"There is a big difference!"

"No there isn't! Just get over it!"

"Get over the whole gay\bi thing or the awkward sperm stain?"

"Both!"

"Well if it isn't that big of a deal, you sleep near it!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Fuck you, I'm not sleeping near it!"

"Yeah! Fuck me! Do it right now!"

"I'm too tired!"

"God, you're no fun!"

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Maybe I will! And maybe I'll get my own awkward sperm stain on here just like Nate did last night!"

"Here, look," I grab a pillow and put it over the awkward stain. "There. Problem solved."

"No! Problem not solved! It's still there and now my pillow has Nate sperm on it!"

"It's probably not even sperm!"

"Yeah, well what else could it be?! Helplessly romantic, lonely, sixteen-year-old boy sleeps here all alone last night… It's obviously not a whipped cream stain!"

"And why couldn't it be a whipped cream stain?"

"Because Nate hates whipped cream!"

"Good point…" I scoot over. "Here, I'm scootching over. Now you don't have to be near it."

"It's still disgusting! Because… IT'S ALIVE!"

"It is not alive!"

"Yes it is! Sperm can live for up to forty-eight hours!"

"No it can't!"

"Yes it can, I swear it can!"

"Okay! Fine! I'm scootching over even more! Happy?"

Jason gets on the bed and scoots as close and he possibly can to me. "There. We can spoon. Problem solved."

"Jason, you're gonna make me get an awkward sperm stain on here…"