Team Effort

(or, the one where everyone beats up Squalo)

"Um... hey, Squalo. I have a question for you."

Squalo made a grunt of acknowledgement. Or he might have been snoring. It was kind of hard to tell.

"Come on, it's really important," Dino pleaded, sounding way more earnest and cute than a man his age had a right to be.

"No," Squalo mumbled, voice throaty with sleep.

"No what?"

"Too early for sex." Squalo flipped his back to his bedmate and bunched up the sheets around him, leaving Dino out in the cold.

"It's not that!"

"...zzz..."

Dino gave Squalo's shoulder an insistent shake. "C'mon, Squalo. This is serious. I really need to tell you something before I can go back home, or else you'll be mad later."

"Fine. I'm listening. Whaddya want?" Squalo grumped, burying himself deeper into the blankets.

Dino fidgeted now that he (somewhat) had Squalo's attention, wondering how exactly to phrase it.

"Say that, and this is hypothetical, mind you, that your adoring, loving boyfriend accidentally went to bed with gum in his mouth, and this tiny piece of gum somehow ended up in your hair."

Squalo sat up like a shot. "What the fuck?" he screeched, grabbing handfuls of pale strands. "Where the hell did you stick it, you clumsy bastard?"

"I didn't stick it anywhere," Dino said defensively. "It was an accident! A completely understandable, forgivable accident!"

"Where. Is. It?"

Dino silently tapped the back of his head, way up toward the crown.

Squalo's eyes widened with anger as he felt the masticated wad clumped deep in his hair. It was NOT tiny, no matter how Dino tried to play it off. It felt like a five-pack of gum leeching onto his hair, fusing into the locks and trying to suck out his brains.

"Here, I'll try to get it out," Dino offered, eager to make amends.

"Owwww! What the fuck are you doing?" Squalo screeched as Dino nearly ripped the hair from his scalp.

"Oops... I guess it's really stuck in there, eheheheh." Dino rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"It's not 'eheheheh', you moron. It's a matter of life-and-hair!"

"I'm sorry, Squalo. I know you take pride in your hair." Dino lowered his eyes, looking appropriately chastised. "Ah, but don't worry. I'll fix it right now!"

He scrambled out of bed, tangling with the sheets and falling flat on his face in his haste. Dino picked himself up and promptly tripped over his discarded sneakers, then every other article of clothing strewn around on the floor between the bed and the adjoining bathroom.

Squalo winced with every crash and thump until Dino finally reappeared, holding a pair of shiny scissors.

God, please don't let him run with the scissors. He's already a klutz when he has a sense of depth perception. Being a cyclops will make things impossible.

Whatever deity was listening granted his prayer, and Dino made his way back to him without any further mishap.

"What do you plan to do with those?" Squalo asked suspiciously, as Dino made a grab for his hair.

"I'll just cut out the part with the gum and-"

"No."

"No one will even notice. It's just a little hair. It's not like I'm cutting off your hand."

"NO."

"C'mon, Squalo, trust me! I used to trim my dog's fur all the time!"

"No means no, you pushy bastard! I'm not your fucking dog!"

"I'm not saying you are, but don't be ridiculous. It's not like you can walk around with gum in your hair."

"Oh yeah? Watch me. I made a promise to not cut my hair until Xanxus becomes the Tenth." Squalo glared as he protectively shielded his hair. "And I don't see your fucking 'brother' giving up the title."

"Hey, don't be mean to Tsuna," Dino pouted. "He's been through a lot."

"He's a punk asshole."

Dino sighed, knowing the familiar old argument would lead nowhere. "It really means that much to you, huh, to keep your promise to Xanxus?" he said instead.

"Fuck yeah. And don't you forget it."

"I understand, Squalo, the loyalties you have to your boss," Dino murmured sympathetically. He slid his fingers through the long, silken strands that still remained gumless. "That's why I promise to take off as little as I can."

"Don't even-!"

"Stop moving around!"

"How are you even winning?" Squalo asked in complete disbelief as Dino wrestled him down and straddled him. "Is one of your faggy goons watching us?"

"Exhibitionism isn't really my thing. And this is really turning me on," Dino confessed.

Squalo stopped struggling, eyes widening in shock as he realized how completely naked the both of them still were.

"Hah! Got you!" Dino said triumphantly, taking the opportunity to make his move.

The clang of metal on metal sounded ominous to Squalo's ears.

But not as ominous as Dino's quiet little "...oops."

"Oops?"

"I missed. Hang on."

"Wait, what do you mean by missed?"

Snip.

"...crap."

Dino's eyes were enormous with panic.

"If I just do this-" Snip. "-and even out this part here-" Snip. "-and maybe, um... dang it..." Snip. Snip. Snip.

"VOOOOOOOIIIIII. Drop the scissors. NOW. You are SO dead."

xxxxx

Squalo lifted tufts of his once wonderful hair. The stupid butcher had made so many short snips that it wasn't even salvageable as a wig.

"Ohoho~! That was quite a ruckus. Were we fighting with our boyfriend?" Lussuria peered in from the doorway, a pinky to his coyly smiling lips. "Or is Bucking Horse the rough, wild ride as his name implies?"

"Shut up, Lussuria. I'm not in the mood."

"What's that in your hands?" Bel piped up, poking his head in as well. "Are you torturing small animals?" he asked hopefully.

"It's my hair," Squalo snarled. "Or at least it was. That retarded Cavallone cut it off."

Levi shook his head in disappointment. "I didn't think you of all people would put a lover's whims ahead of loyalty to Boss."

"You think I want to look like Lussuria?" Squalo gestured to his short, patchy hairdo. "I don't! And now Xanxus is going to be pissed and bring this up every fucking argument we have as another reason I'm useless scum. The guy just doesn't know how to let things go."

The Varia looked from Squalo's shorn head to each other, then burst into mocking laughter.

"There's a simple solution for this," Mammon finally commented, after they had gotten the pointing and jeering out of their systems.

"I'm not wearing a hood like some weird cult member."

"That wasn't my suggestion. But as I don't give free advice, you'll need to pay me to hear it."

"Damn greedy baby. FINE. I'll pay you. But it better be worth it."

"Have Lussuria use his box on you. Your hair will grow back and Xanxus will never know."

"That's actually a pretty good idea," Squalo had to admit.

"Ufu~ a good idea in theory, but it won't work," Lussuria tsked.

"What? Why not?"

"Hair grows as you're healed. You're not hurt."

"Shishishi, the prince can fix that!" Bel volunteered and threw ten of his knives with deadly accuracy. "Squalo-cactus~"

"Ow. You fucking psycho!" Squalo yelped, digging the knives out of his skin. "What the hell was that for?"

"Thank you, Bel-chan, you're such a good helper~!" Lussuria lit up his ring and punched the flame into his box. "Go, peacock of serenity~! Heal Squalo's wounds~!"

There were blinding sparkles of ghei as Lussuria's box animal healed Squalo's wounds.

"It worked," Levi observed as they all crowded around to study Squalo's slightly longer hair. "Boss will be pleased."

"But there's still a lot to go," Mammon remarked with a firm nod. "I think we should all pitch in, since it's for the Boss's sake."

"You guys," Squalo said, just a little bit touched. "You would really help me out? Maybe you 'argh!"

Squalo doubled over in pain as Lussuria kneed him in the gut. "Ufu~ that's good for another centimeter~"

"What the fuck was that?" Squalo roared, retaliating with an uppercut, then kicking Lussuria clear across the room where he made a sizable dent.

"Nya, I thought you wanted our help," Lussuria simpered, looking strangely turned on.

"Well, I do, but-"

"Then obediently hold still and allow us help," Mammon requested.

"Lightning torpedo!"

"Storm mink!"

"Tentacle rape monster!"

"ATTACK!"

Commander Squalo was so lucky to have such caring subordinates.

xxxxx

"VOOOOIII, you fucking bastards. You just wanted an excuse to beat me up," Squalo accused after his final bout of recovery.

"That's not true. We were merely helping."

"Then why did you beat me until my hair became this long?" He shook said hair at them, which now trailed onto the floor.

"Shishishi... wasn't it always that long?" Bel asked with an innocent hum.

"No, it wasn't this fucking long."

"Are you sure? 100% positive? You hadn't cut it for 17 years, after all."

"Yeah, I think I remember it being that long," the others nodded in agreement, weapons on the ready. "Maybe even longer."

"I really hate you guys. I hope you all die horribly in pain."

xxxxx

Squalo twitched nervously as he finished updating Xanxus on the Varia's missions. Was it his imagination or was Xanxus looking at him strangely? Was Squalo's hair too long? Too short? Levi had tried to get it to as close as they could all remember and it had to be within a couple centimeters of what it used to be.

And how would anyone be able to notice a couple measly centimeters? It wasn't like Xanxus concerned himself with anything but himself, much less the length of Squalo's hair. Yes, Squalo was just being paranoid.

Xanxus narrowed his eyes as he refilled his glass. He then threw the entire thing at Squalo's head.

"VOOIIII! What was that for?"

"Shave off your mustache. It makes you look like a goddamn porn star."

xxxxx

The End.

xxxxx

Yeah, I totally made up Mammon's box animal since we don't know what it is/was (hey, if the tsuchinoko can exist...). If you found this fic funny, you may have serious problems. You're probably a sadist who burns ants for fun. Just saying. :D

I like the introductory Dino/Squalo part but hate the Varia part (which was the main idea I wanted to write). *headdesk*

xxxxx

December 28, 2008