Title: The Game Plan
Author: silverwyrm / Adi
Characters: Naruto, Sasuke
Genre: AU, Humour, Romance
Status: One-shot, Complete
Word count: 4,200
Rating: M
A/N: Written for Ladelle for the Secret Santa Exchange, beta'd by QuestofDreams
Summary: Naruto was a man with a plan.

Naruto was a man with a plan.

His plan involved a pair of pliers, some duct tape and sneaking around in his slippers.

Naruto was currently pressed up against one of the walls in his apartment building. There was duct tape in one hand and pliers held in a crushing grip between his teeth. He was doing a fine job of being a ninja. Naruto made his way down to the basement (mission destination) in record time.

The only obstacle had been the elderly man (3E) who lived on the floor below Naruto. The old coot was firmly convinced that Naruto was his wife. Naruto often played along because the man was a widower and suffered from Alzheimer's. He felt justified in running away though when Mr Peterson had cornered him on Level 2 wearing his old World War II uniform and asking if the lovely maiden (Naruto) would give him his final send off. Naruto had pointed in the opposite direction, screamed in his best girlish voice, 'The Germans are coming! The Germans are coming!' before making a quick escape. Ninja 101, diversion tactics.

In the basement, after much fumbling around and swearing, Naruto found the newest object of his affections, the circuit breaker. He pried the fuse box open and was sad to discover there weren't numerous multicoloured wires, and that flipping a switch didn't require pliers. Naruto happily flipped all the switches while humming along to tune of O Christmas Tree.

"O circuit breaker, o circuit breaker, la la la la circuit breaker."

Having successfully completed his task, he locked the basement door on his way out and pocketed the key he had pilfered.

Naruto had shut off the electricity in the building. Granted, his reasons for doing so were rather selfish, and he certainly hadn't thought out the repercussions of his actions. He was entirely unaware of the woman who was half way through blow-drying her hair in preparation for her date, leaving her head looking like a half flattened hedgehog. In all fairness to Naruto, bad hair was the least of her problems appearance-wise.

Naruto found Mr Peterson wondering aimlessly on the third floor, muttering about the Blitz, that London was being bombed, and how everyone had to get their rations and take shelter quickly in the train stations. Naruto assumed Mr Peterson thought the train station was the trash chute. He wasn't far off the mark though.

Naruto felt vaguely guilty for triggering the old man, and scrunched up his eyes as he allowed him some physical time with his wife. He then settled Mr Peterson back into his own flat, returning him to his harried looking daughter. Naruto returned to his own flat and collected some supplies before heading back out. He walked as casually as possible while expressing a suitable amount of shock about the lost electricity to anyone he passed.

He arrived at and knocked on the door of Flat 4C. This was where the second part of his plan would take place.

The door opened.

"Hi Sasuke!"

The door was slammed shut in his face.

Naruto took a deep breath, put on his game face, which really only made him look like he was about to pass wind, and knocked again. When the door opened he jammed his foot in the gap and smiled winningly at the unfortunate tenant of 4C.

"What?" Sasuke was actually rather polite, to everyone except Naruto. This only convinced Naruto further that Sasuke clearly fancied the pants off him.

"So… some black out we're having, huh?" Naruto paused, waiting for an answer. Sasuke only narrowed his eyes. This was good – facial expression was good because it meant a response. It was when Sasuke had the blank expression of a homicidal psychopath (Gaara, 5E) that Naruto felt the need to worry.

"Anyway…" Naruto winced as his foot was slowly but surely being crushed in the doorway. "I'm sort of locked out of my flat…"

More winning smiles, which was unfortunately rather forced since he was pretty sure his foot would soon be detached and he'd have to get crutches or maybe a wheelchair and maybe he'd star in a basketball tournament for walking-challenged people. He'd win, of course.

Sasuke gave him a cool look.

"And I have this light thingy!" Naruto waved around one of his supplies and then flicked the switch on and off in Sasuke's face. Pale. Paler. Pale. Paler. Sasuke's hand shot out, snatched it and retreated.

"That's a torch."

"Right, yes, but how handy, yeah? C'mon, let me in!"

"Doesn't seem to be your torch anymore."

Naruto gaped as the door was slammed shut in his face once again.

After ten solid minutes of banging on Sasuke's door to the rhythm of Jingle Bells, Sasuke finally relented and allowed Naruto in.

Naruto's plan so far was a complete success. All he had wanted to do was get some alone time with his neighbour. He had made friends with the entire building and it bothered him that Sasuke was different. Sasuke had moved in a few months ago and was grimly polite to everyone and everything. And when anyone wasn't looking, he'd flip Naruto the bird. Naruto had made the mistake of refusing him entry into the building when he'd been new on account of Sasuke looking like a creepy rapist vampire.

Naruto had been really determined to win Sasuke over. But everything he tried had been met with a door slammed in his face. The rest of the building got along fairly well with him. Sasuke was loved by several of the females (Ino 6C) in the building who were hoping to be the Elizabeth Bennet to his grumpy Mr Darcy. The strong, independent woman thing sort of failed when Ino was half-way through seducing the landlord due to her late rent only for her to turn around, slap him and proceed to babble on about the suffragettes when Sasuke walked by.

Naruto personally thought everyone was nuts and that, if anything, Sasuke was much like that robot-thing in I, Robot and what he really needed to do was go all Will Smith on his neighbour's ass. Naruto was a very confused individual when it came to Sasuke.

He just wanted to spend time with him to figure out whether his fixation was due to:

A) Sasuke being mean. Therefore, this naturally meant Naruto would do everything in his power to change Sasuke's mind about him.
B) Sasuke being pretty. Naruto could admit this. He was kind of like Snow White, only with a penis and dead on the inside.
C) Sasuke having this really cool car. Naruto was completely convinced if he just caught it off guard, it'd turn into one of the transformers.
D) Whether Sasuke was secretly just as infatuated with Naruto as Naruto was with Sasuke.

The flat he entered into was dark, which was to be expected, and Naruto squinted around trying to get his bearings. Sasuke flicked the torch on; Naruto half-expected him to shine it in his eyes and beginning interrogating him.

"What do you want?" Well, he was half right.

"Um, I figured, since uh, you know, all the lights are out, you could use some light…" Naruto trailed off.

Sasuke flicked a switch making the torch shine a brighter light.

"Could you not point that thing at me?" Naruto grumbled. He looked around in the low light and registered the design of Sasuke's flat. It had the exact same layout of his own flat. The only difference was that Naruto's flat was the before part to Sasuke's after part in one of those interior design shows where flamboyantly gay men made Naruto think twice about his sexuality.

"You can use my mobile to call the landlord; he'll have a spare key for you."

"But he's out of town, I already checked!" Naruto groped his way towards the sofa and settled himself comfortably, wiggling his butt until he had a good indentation going. He could feel the force of Sasuke's stare and it only made him grin, and perhaps consider farting on his furniture.

"Why can't you bother someone else?"

Naruto was prepared for this question. He quickly rattled off a detailed list of names and the places of where everyone was. Sakura was washing her hair (in the dark), Ino was painting her nails (in the dark), Neji said he couldn't have company because of bad omens, Gaara was letting out his repressed anger on small animals, Kiba was protecting small animals from Gaara, and Shino was spending quality time with his ant farm.

Naruto stopped when he realised Sasuke wasn't listening.

"I'm going to bed."

Naruto blinked and registered Sasuke had left the room.

The door opened.

"Don't touch anything."

And slammed shut.

Naruto's relationship with Sasuke seemed to be an endless series of doors slamming.

Naruto lasted twenty minutes of sitting quietly and whistling along to the tune of Mariah Carey's 'All I want for Christmas' before he started snooping.

The first place he went to check out was Sasuke's fridge, which turned out to be very disappointing. It contained a few ready made meals and an alarming amount of vegetables. Naruto eyed the cucumber and courgettes with interest; his face blanched at the aubergine.

"What are you doing?"

Naruto, to his credit, didn't scream; nor did he grab the nearest wooden item and attempt to stake Sasuke.

"I'm helping you out! I was saving your ice cream from going to waste…" Naruto always had the best intentions.

"I don't have any."

He flicked the torch at Sasuke and took in his sleepwear. Wife-beater and jogging bottoms. Disappointing.

"I got bored," Naruto offered as a way of explanation.

Sasuke gave no reply. Naruto frowned at his face in the torchlight. He was slowly coming to the conclusion that Sasuke was an alien. He had a sinking feeling that he would never truly know this man, mostly because of the whole extra-terrestrial aspect.

"We should do something," Naruto declared. He grabbed some of the posh cheese from the fridge and manoeuvred around Sasuke.

He heard what sounded suspiciously like grinding teeth and marched on.

They ended up playing scrabble. Naruto had leaped on the board game when he'd found it, waving it around with a look of triumph because Sasuke owned things other than books. His chest had deflated when he had realised what the game was. If this was Sasuke's idea of fun, Naruto had his work cut out for him.

Nonetheless, Naruto was not to be deterred and he had quickly set up the game on the kitchen table. Sasuke had actually seemed entertained by Naruto's antics, but it was hard to tell in the dark, and it was probably for the better that Sasuke wasn't sitting there smiling in what would be an entirely too weird manner.

Sasuke was considerably less amused now. Naruto was no longer allowed to keep score because he had kept assigning bonus points for using dirty words. So far, he'd awarded himself three thousand extra points for getting 'Whore', 'Skank' and 'Paris Hilton'.

He'd also been pointedly told not to sing Christmas songs because they were in the middle of March and he was also very much off key. Naruto had wisely stopped; he had had the sudden vision of Sasuke forcing him to eat the scrabble pieces.

Now he was resorting to making up words, partly because it was fun but mostly because watching Sasuke develop a twitch and flip through a thesaurus was Naruto's new way of getting his jollies.

"'Teme' isn't a word."

"Sure it is! And you're pronouncing it wrong."

"You could just as easily spell 'Meet' or 'Teem'."

"Where's the fun in that?"

Twitch. Flip.

"'Dobe' isn't a word either."

"Sure it is!"

"You could just as easily spell 'Bode'."

"You're no fun Sasuke."

When the lights flickered back on, Naruto found himself unceremoniously dumped this-is-SPARTA style outside the apartment before his retinas could stop burning. Followed by the torch hitting him in the chest. Naruto didn't push his luck though. Four hours of non-stop bickering with Sasuke had been fun. No one had the time to argue with him these days.

Naruto was a man with a plan.

A plan that would defy destiny.

Currently he was trying to decipher the possible outcomes of his plan by getting Neji to do a tarot reading. Really, he'd always told Neji that fate, destiny, the powers that be etc was a whole load of bullshit, and that Neji needed to live life one day at a time, like he did. However, just in case there was some deity up there playing with the strings of his life, it really wouldn't hurt to be a little prepared.

"The Querient's current situations," Neji flipped a card and Naruto held his breath, "The Fool. Hmm… eccentricity, unpredictability, psychological instability…" Neji's tone was serious but his eyes indicated his enjoyment, and just how true he thought the reading was.

Naruto glared at him, "Fine fine, next card!"

"And what is The Querient's query?"

"Uh… Will Sasuke fall madly in love and adopt African babies with me?"

Neji looked indifferent to Naruto's confession of his heart's truest desire. He turned over the next card, "The Hanged Man. Sacrifice, punishment, ordeal, submission, to long for the unattainable, fatal tie, love going through a difficult period as well as an ability to sacrifice…"

Naruto waved his hand, indicating he had heard enough.

"You know, Neji, this tarot stuff is still utter crap. I had better luck with my magic eight ball – it told me 'Outlook good'." Naruto transferred his accusing stare from his friend to the irritating smile of The Fool.

He left soon after when his fortune continued to get more and more ridiculous and he had the niggling feeling Neji was making it up to piss him off. There were no obstacles this time on his way to the basement. However, when he located the circuit breaker box, he found it had been very thoroughly covered in duct tape. There was also a little Hello Kitty post-it note attached to the front reading:

Naruto,

Stop it.

Kakashi :)

Naruto tore it away and tossed it over his shoulder as he set about peeling away all the tape.

He shut off all the electricity and then wondered if he could work into his plan shutting off all the water. That would involve going to the roof though where there was great potential for some unhappy tenant to push him off.

Naruto saluted the circuit breaker and made his way out and to knock on the door of Flat 4C. Sasuke didn't seem surprised to see him there. However, this didn't stop him from trying to slam the door in Naruto's face again. Naruto got a crushed hand and an unsympathetic look for his trouble.

"Let me guess, you're locked out again."

Naruto had thought ahead and hadn't really expected Sasuke to fall for the same thing twice.

"No, I have a Christmas present for you." Naruto beamed at his statement. His grin became a little forced as Sasuke continued to stare at him like he'd lost all his marbles.

"For the very last time, it is March."

"Yeah, but think of all the Christmases I didn't get you anything for." With that kind of logic, who could argue? He thrust the gift into Sasuke's chest before the man could give some scathing reply and took the opportunity to push past him into the flat.

Naruto walked in and settled down Indian-style on the living room floor. He flashed the torch light at Sasuke and then at the space of carpet opposite, flickering back and forth until Sasuke growled, walked over, and seated himself too.

"Well open it!" Naruto felt that Sasuke could have worked up more enthusiasm. Sasuke eyed it warily before peeling away the layers of newspaper wrapped around the gift. Naruto had thought it would be incredibly funny to wrap it in approximately fifty sheets of newspaper; Sasuke was containing his amusement well. Around the fortieth layer Sasuke was savagely tearing through the wrapping while Naruto laughed at his own joke.

Sasuke actually seemed surprised when his fingers were scrabbling against the outside of a draughts board game. He gave Naruto a blank stare.

"It seemed like the boring kind of game you'd like." Naruto shrugged. "Let's play!"

And so this time they played draughts, with Sasuke coming to the quick conclusion that Naruto had never played in his life. Sasuke showed great restraint by not making Naruto eat the game pieces.

Game 1:

"You can't move like that, only diagonally."

"But how else am I going to eat you?!"

Game 2:

"How on earth did you do that?!"

"Do what?"

"You just ate four of my pieces in one move. No fair Sasuke, give them back!"

Game 3:

"You have one piece left, Naruto, just give up."

"What? No! Naruto Uzumaki does not give up the war!"

Game 4:

"Prince me!"

"….King."

"Yeah, I am."

After seventeen games, which Naruto consecutively lost, Naruto fell asleep. He had made the mistake of asking what Sasuke did for a living.

He woke to the sensation of warm lips gently touching his own. His first instinct was, of course, to kiss Sasuke back but he wisely chose to keep his eyes closed and as still as possible. Naruto felt this kiss was like watching a deer in the woods, no sudden movements and he would get to experience something beautiful. So in Naruto's rare flashes of wisdom, he opted to feign sleep and tried hard not to smile at the feeling of Sasuke's breath on his chin or when it tickled his nose.

It was hard to maintain his façade when he felt a rough kick to his ribs and he found himself outside the apartment again. Sasuke's parting words of 'Sleep at your own place' was punctuated with the slam of a door.

Naruto couldn't muster the energy to be angry though. He spent twenty minutes absent-mindedly rubbing his mouth with a half hard-on which was encouraged by thoughts of which porno of his he could get Sasuke to re-enact with him. Maybe Star Whores or Independence Gay.

Naruto was a man with a plan.

And that plan was currently being foiled by superglue.

'Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling too.'

Naruto sang along as he once again attacked the fuse box. He had considered turning up at Sasuke's flat while the electricity was still working, but all things considered, Sasuke would most likely faint from the sheer brilliance that was Naruto Uzumaki in a well-lit room.

'Come on, it's lovely weather, for a sleigh ride together with you.'

Kakashi had sealed the fuse box with superglue and so Naruto had had to run up to Sakura's flat to beg for nail polish remover from her. She had beaten him with one of her shoes, which thankfully hadn't been spiked, and yelled at him to quit painting Gaara's toe nails pink. She had then extracted money out of him in exchange for the bottle of acetone.

It really wasn't one of Naruto's brightest ideas to be pouring acetone near wires but it got the job done. The super-glue loosened and he managed to pry the container open and went about flicking all the switches which had been marked with little unhappy faces by Kakashi.

He switched on his torch once it was all dark. Then he screamed when he turned around to see Sasuke standing there. Sasuke raised an eyebrow and handed him another trademark Hello Kitty post-it note which read:

Sasuke,

Kindly ask Naruto to quit switching off the electricity.

Kakashi :)

"Um."

"Indeed."

Sasuke reached forward and took Naruto's torch before Naruto could from any coherent excuses. He'd walked off by the time Naruto could stutter 'The dog ate my homework'.

oOo

Naruto was a man with a plan.

A half-baked failure of a plan.

Naruto caught up with Sasuke on their floor. Sasuke stood outside his flat door, pulling out his keys with one hand and shining the torch light at the door knob. Naruto eyed the man speculatively. Then he reacted with his base instincts.

He sprang forward, snatched Sasuke's keys, and then briefly wrestled with him to get the torch too. He then switched the torch off and chucked it in the direction of the stairs, and then threw the keys in the opposite direction.

Now they were plunged in darkness, though unable to see Sasuke's expression, he could still hear his grinding teeth.

"What on earth is the matter with you?"

Naruto moved forward in response and proceeded to kiss him. He was immediately shoved back.

"That was my ear."

"Oh. I thought something felt funny."

Naruto then received a punch to his stomach which wasn't as hard as it could have been but enough to wind him and make him let go of his mission prize.

"What was that for?!"

"Impaling me on the door knob."

"Oh. Sorry." Somehow he managed not to wink and ask if Sasuke would be averse to being impaled on other things.

Naruto moved forward again. Despite Sasuke's grumpiness and the physical violence, things were going fairly well. Naruto grabbed a hold of Sasuke's hips, making sure he was facing him. He slid his hands upward over Sasuke's body, moving over his stomach, his neck to either side of his head and moved in again for the kill.

Except this time he ended up smooching Sasuke's hand which was now attempting to smother him. He dislodged the hand by roughly shaking his head and before Naruto could voice his displeasure, he was once again surprised by the warm mouth pressing against his. Naruto grinned as Sasuke exhaled against his mouth.

Naruto had just managed to progress to tongue action when he heard footsteps on the staircase. His mouth was still trying to follow Sasuke's retreating one, leaving him kissing the air. He was soon kissing Sasuke's hand once more though, which had firmly clamped over his mouth again.

Naruto retaliated by squeezing his hand between them and unashamedly cupping Sasuke's crotch. There was no reaction to this on Sasuke's part but Naruto's imagination happily supplied a Sasuke writhing in ecstasy.

He felt a shove at his shoulder and heard the footsteps come closer.

"Hello? Is somebody there?" It was one of the female tenants using the light of their mobile to navigate their way in the dark.

Sasuke's hand released him and Naruto could feel again Sasuke's breath fanning his face as they listened to the footsteps continue down the stairwell rather than along their corridor.

Naruto laughed softly and rested his forehead against Sasuke's. He needed to stop grinning and feeling so pleased with himself every time Sasuke kissed him. Sasuke's hands went to grip at his hips and he grinned all the harder.

"I knew you wanted me," Naruto spoke as he kissed the corner of his mouth.

"Shut up."

This soft, nice little moment quickly escalated to frantic humping which turned into mutual hand-jobs, with just the necessary clothing pushed out of the way. Orgasm was imminent when they were interrupted by Mr Peterson.

"Son of a…"

Mr Peterson had managed to sneak away from his daughter and was now walking the corridors, muttering about finding Patricia (Naruto) and getting that send-off she had promised which featured her in a nurses' outfit. Naruto briefly wondered where he could hire one from.

He cursed, which was muffled by Sasuke's hand over his mouth again. He received a kick to his shins for pulling the appendage away.

Naruto quickly tried to fix himself up so that he could go over and help Mr Peterson, until his daughter showed up with a torch light of her own, shining it directly into his eyes.

"Oh! Naruto!"

"Patricia!" Mr Peterson echoed.

"Um. Hey!" Naruto nearly turned purple in embarrassment and desperately hoped that she wouldn't notice his bulge. Sasuke on the other hand seemed completely composed. The git.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah! Thanks." Naruto's voice hit a high pitch, which earned him an odd look from the girl and a happy sigh of 'Oh, Patricia' from Mr Peterson.

After they left, there had been an awkward silence before Sasuke had called Naruto an imbecile for no reason whatsoever and shoved Naruto against the door, this time to resume their fast paced groping. Naruto, unlike Sasuke, endured the door knob insistently poking him in the back every time Sasuke thrust his hips into Naruto's.

They ended up rolling around on the floor. Sasuke came first, and out of some weird competition thing, he moved lower on Naruto and sucked him off so that he came within seconds.

Naruto discovered Sasuke was some sort of machine. While he had to lie on the floor gulping air and attempting to recover from his orgasm, Sasuke had divested Naruto of his t-shirt so that he could clean himself up and then proceeded to find the torch and then the keys.

Naruto watched Sasuke open the door to his flat and waited for the expected slam of the door.

It never came.

Naruto had been a man with a plan.

A successful plan.

A/N: What's up fandom? Long time no see ^^;; Got a couple of things to pimp:

SasuNaruSasu Reclist: http : // questofd. startlogic. com/ naruto _ reclist .html

SasuNaruSasu Fanbook: http : // community. livejournal. com/lemontreeparade

You guys know the deal, remove all spaces for the links to work :3

Happy Holidays!