Title: Sanji is Gay
Universe: One Piece
Theme/Topic: Zoro, 378, and blood. I think that was what she wanted.
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: vaguely ZoSan but not really.
Warnings/Spoilers: Stupid and OOC and pointlessness. Spoilers for the end of Thriller Bark.
Word Count: 1,405
Summary: Following the events of episode 378- Sanji tries to play nice for a few days. It backfires a little.
Dedication: kotszok's holiday request! I don't actually know what happens in the manga after the events in 378 so sorry if this is wrong. LOL I AM AN ANIME ONLY HEATHEN O K.
A/N: It's been A MILLION YEARS since I wrote One Piece. And it shows. It shows.
Disclaimer: No harm is meant by this!

Zoro thinks that Sanji may be pulling his punches a little.

Or kicks, technically.

Because it feels like the aho-chef is only aiming for Zoro's shins or his toes or—unbelievably—the side of the ship next to Zoro's head instead of at his head like normal.

Sanji's shoe scuffs the wood. Zoro blinks, still in a defensive position and clearly ready to block a blow that isn't coming anymore. It's oddly disorienting.

A moment.

Sanji coughs. "I have to go start dinner, asshole," he says, and puts his foot back down, straightens his shirt. He turns to leave.

Zoro is confused.

Maybe a little disappointed.

"You're stupid!!" he yells after the chef in a last ditch attempt to finish the brawl. "And your hair smells bad!"

Sanji just waves lazily at him over his shoulder and heads to the kitchen.

"And your face is dumb," Zoro adds, lamely.

The kitchen door closes behind the cook without another word.

Zoro may or may not sulk a little bit about it afterwards.

"Is the aho-cook dying?" Zoro inquires, trying to sound nonchalant as he lets Chopper change his bandages for him the next day. "Are there injuries he got from fighting Moria that I don't know about?"

Chopper blinks. "What? No."

The little reindeer looks worried and puts a tiny hoof to Zoro's forehead. "Are you feeling okay? Your head doesn't feel hot."

Zoro insists that he's fine, but Chopper ends up giving him some sort of horse pill that puts him to sleep anyway. "You should rest," the doctor insists.

Zoro wants to argue that he has been resting—because no one will fight him all of a sudden—except that when he tries to talk, it comes out, "Nnnghrrmeems, funny hat," and Chopper is suddenly all big and carrying him to a hammock.

He wishes he could remember everything that happened that day.

Despite no one else seeming to notice, Zoro is pretty sure that something weird has transpired over the two days since he fell unconscious and then woke up again. As he said before, he can't really recall a lot of the minute details about the whole thing himself (comas do that, he hears), but the resulting weird he can see just fine.

And by weird he doesn't mean Brook. While very weird in his own way, Brook is a different weird than the weird Zoro is talking about right now.

Zoro is talking about Sanji weird. Which continues to persist as the days drag on; this afternoon, when Sanji made drinks he threw Zoro's at his head just like always, except when he did it this time it was a complete pansy throw. Zoro had managed to stop it a whole five inches in front of his face, when normally, it gets chucked at his head with enough force behind it that he can't stop it until it is at least two inches in front of him.

"The aho-chef is being an aho…aho," Zoro starts casually to Nami as they drink their drinks once the blond is out of hearing range. Maybe she'll know what stupid thing has affected Sanji's brain during the two days Zoro was unconscious.

But Nami just gives him a weird look when he says that and asks him how his injuries are; is Chopper medicating him very much? Does he feel dizzy? Does it hurt very much to think? Maybe he should stop.

Sometimes Zoro hates women.

"I don't care," Zoro tells himself the next day, and crosses his arms while looking out over the ocean resolutely, like a real man ought to. He steels his jaw and leaves his bandages on the floor while the waves beat against the ship's prow rhythmically.

It is all very dramatic.

But then Usopp is there too, standing next to him and crossing his arms and striking a manly pose as well. "Zoro-kun," Usopp announces, in his Soge King voice, "it seems that crossing your arms thusly has reopened some of your wounds."

Zoro looks down at his bleeding arms.

He tells himself it is very manly. He even grunts.

"Zoro-kun," Usopp continues after a beat, still looking straight ahead into the ocean with determination. His tone seems slightly tentative now though, even though he is clearly trying to come across as perfectly normal. "May I ask what you are looking at right now?"

Zoro does not deign to reply, because clearly, it is the ocean.

Later, when Chopper is freaking out at Zoro for pulling his stitches open and Usopp is off to the side telling a really long and oddly elaborate story about head injuries and how they sometimes cause hallucinations, Zoro grits his teeth and tells himself he still doesn't care.

Then Chopper worriedly pokes him with a needle and he really starts to hallucinate this time; he dreams about paw pads and rubble and Sanji crumpling to the ground.

When Zoro wakes up, Sanji is standing there waiting, with soup.

"I hate you and your face," Zoro says automatically, and wonders if he can finally get some action around here.

Sanji's facial muscles twitch, but for the most part, he remains unmoved. "Soup," he says, and shoves the bowl at Zoro except not as mean as usual. Then he turns around and tells Zoro he'll come get the bowl when he's done; he better not waste anything.

Zoro drinks soup and hates Sanji more than women.

When Zoro next sleeps again (gets drugged again), he dreams.

There's Moria in his dream, lolling on the floor unconscious, and Luffy in his dream, also lolling on the floor unconscious. Then there's Kuma, and his fight with Kuma, and he thinks that most of this stuff he remembers (kind of), which kind of makes it a pointless dream.

Except then there's Sanji as well, getting between Zoro and Kuma, and some ridiculous thing about taking his head instead of Zoro's. The look on his face is kind of heartbreaking, and the next thing Zoro knows, he's knocking the idiot over for being an idiot and the fight resumes properly.

Sanji crumples to the ground.

When Zoro wakes up from his dream, he really wakes up this time. "What the fuck," he breathes, when he thinks he finally gets it.

Sanji is a moron.

"So," Zoro begins a few hours later, and suddenly slides into the galley where Sanji is at work preparing breakfast.

Sanji blinks in surprise when he sees the swordsman standing there, all bandaged up and surly looking. "Go back to bed," he tells Zoro automatically. "Dumbass," he adds, after a beat.

Maybe a beat too long.

"I just came to tell you to stop acting like a moron," Zoro tells him flatly. He crosses his arms for emphasis, even though it will probably reopen the stitches in his arms and chest again because of the awesome way his muscles bulge when he does it. "Ever since the whole thing with Kuma," he tells the chef, "you've been acting stupid."

Sanji freezes in his chopping. "Don't know what you're talking about," he replies, carefully.

Zoro snorts. "I remember everything now; you even wanted to die for me. And now you're acting all weird. And I think I know why. "

Sanji blinks. Sighs. "You do?"

The swordsman nods. "Yup."

"Oh." Suddenly Sanji can't quite look him in the eye.

Zoro kind of takes pity on him. This is a big deal, after all.

"Look," the chef begins eventually, when the silence gets to be too much for him, "I just…"

"It's okay," Zoro tells him magnanimously, holding up a hand to stop Sanji from saying anything embarrassing. "I am perfectly okay that you have an enormous homo crush on me. I don't mind. What I do mind is you pulling your punches. Only pansies do that."

A moment.

Sanji sputters. "Excuse me? Homo crush?"

Zoro just nods. "You heard me."

The blond stares.

And belatedly realizes that maybe he gave the idiot-marimo's idiot-brain too much credit, because homo crush and respectful sympathy until he is fully recovered are absolutely not the same thing at all.

Luckily, he also thinks that he's over it now. The respectful part of it anyway.

Sanji takes a step towards Zoro.

Zoro takes a step back and warns him not to be gay.

When Sanji kicks Zoro's headthis time, he's glad that he doesn't have to try and miss anymore.

END