A.N: Hey thanks all for your lovely reviews... soz it took me awhile to update, but this chapter was harder to write then my others. Well I really hope you like it - Katie

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT

Quiet Guardian

Chapter 13: Inside and Out (Jasper's story: grief)

"We came into the world like brother and brother;

And now let's go hand in hand,

Not one before another."

William Shakespeare

*****

Emmett didn't come home last night, and I found myself out looking for him all night. I began to think to myself, when had Emmett become my problem, when did his mistakes … become mine to worry about and I realised, he was my brother, my friend and it was going to be always my place to worry about him.

I was sitting on the front porch; just staring up at the sky, it was now day and I knew Alice would soon be looking for me, I got up dusting off my jeans… stopping as I heard a rumble coming up the driveway. It was Emmett and I let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. I walked/ran my way over to where he stumbled out of his jeep and I had to stop and look again, to make sure it really was him.

I could see the changes with Edward, when I found out he was taking the pills, but they had been nothing like what Emmett was experiencing. The purple rings under Emmett's eyes told me, he should be sleeping… but he wasn't, the sudden weight loss (made known from his baggy clothes, that had once fitted him perfectly) told me he should be eating… but he wasn't. Wasn't that what he wanted, didn't he do this to become human… to fulfil human needs, wasn't that what this was all about?

He looked up, and I allowed my eyes to connect with his. He could tell I was confused (I could feel his understanding) but he just shook his head and made his way back inside the house. And I was left, without any answers and if possible more scared then I had been last night.

*****

"Jazz?"

"Hmm." Alice's arm wrapped around my waist, and I automatically leant into her, but I knew this wasn't about the embrace.

"Something's been troubling you, will you tell me about it." She had always been the one to take care of me, I really should be the one asking if she was ok, she had been acting different lately too. I spun around catching her off guard and press my lips to hers.

"It's Bella's birthday party tomorrow, she invited us both." So she wasn't going to give in, she really wanted to talk. I let out a sigh.

"Do you really think that's the best thing…" She didn't let me finish.

"Yes." She seemed so sure, that I was sure that I had missed something.

"What happened Alice?"

"Nothing, ok." I could tell she was lying, and I knew that she knew too, she obviously didn't want to talk about it, so I let it go. But it did hurt that she wouldn't tell me, when in the past we had shared so much. I kissed her once more before getting up from the couch and walking up towards Emmett's room.

I stopped before entering, and allowed the room's smell to reach my nostrils, it was a mixture of alcohol, sweat and blood… and none of it enticed me to enter. But I saw Emmett lying face down on the ground, breathing heavily and I couldn't stop myself from walking over and picking him up. He was lighter then he looked; and that didn't comfort me one bit. I dropped him onto the bed, and rolled him so he was facing the ceiling and that's when I notice it and wondered how had I not seen it last time, or had I had and just pretended not to notice. Because now that I had seen it and accepted they were really there, I knew this all was more serious then I had originally been led to think. My finger trembled as it traced lightly over Emmett's track marks and I found myself thinking, how I never ever expected this to be a problem with our family.

He let out a sigh and flipped himself over on his side, I made my escape then and it wasn't into after I was outside his room, that I realised I was shaking.

*****

I climbed out of the passenger seat, and walked over opening Alice's door; she would never let me drive her car. I pressed my lips to her shoulder and whispered how beautiful she looked, before I knocked on Bella's door. She looked over and smiled at me, just before the door opened and there was Bella smiling, looking happy as ever. If my ability wasn't all used up, keeping my emotions under control around Alice in that damn dress, then maybe I would have seen it sooner. Maybe.

For most of the party, I stood back and allowed Alice to pull me around to various individuals to talk to, I made sure to laugh and nod at the appropriate moments, truth was I never really was one for these 'parties' but as long as Alice was happy, I would at least try to be. It was as the party was coming to an end that I saw Emmett make his appearance, which had change dramatically since yesterday, Emmett seem to give up on his old clothes (which now three sizes to big for him) he had moved on to a white button up dress top (to hide the marks… I thought) and hung loosely over it was a black vest, he had also moved on to the darker and less baggy jeans. Another huge change was the hair, now hanging loosely in front of his eyes and long enough to just to reach his shoulders, he looked everything like the tragic musician and I wouldn't have been surprised if he pulled out a guitar and started belting out tragic love songs.

I watched as Bella, who had been in conversation stop talking all together, and that's when I felt a mixture of hurt and anger. Emmett started to make his way over to where we were standing, and for the first time I realised he wasn't alone, but some guy who mirrored Emmett in almost everyway; except by the small amount of stubble along his jaw, made his way over too.

"Happy Birthday Bella," I watched as Emmett smiled and handed over a small wrapped gift, Bella just stood unmoving, and transfixed on Emmett's new being. But then as if she never been shocked at all, she shook her head and smiled. "Thanks Emmett."

I knew they weren't happy because all I could feel was pain and agony.

"This is Alex, he is my…." Emmett paused for a second and allowed a feeling of doubt to cloud me, before Alex spoke.

"I'm Emmett's new friend." Emmett smiled once again and patted Alex lightly on the back.

I wasn't sure if that was a truth, or another lie… but I was sure about one thing, they meant a lot to one another… a lot.

"You really do look great Bella." He said it so easily, but my ability allowed me to feel his pain, by just talking to her.

"Thanks." She didn't say it back, because he didn't look great he looked like shit… and that wasn't exactly the nicest thing to say to someone. But Jacob, who had come up from behind Bella, didn't seem to care about manners. "Yeah and you look like crap."

I watched as Emmett just laughed it off, Alex and him turning to one another and laughing in sync. When deep down, I could feel there grief. They knew they looked horrible, and that's when I realised that didn't care and none of this had anything to do with being human. Emmett was still in love with Bella and he was doing this all because he felt guilty about choosing Rose.

"Have you been smoking?" Charlie was the next one to walk up to Bella, pausing for a moment before realising the smell wasn't coming from her, "Oh it's you two, wait who are you…Emmett?"

"Yeah sorry, I kind of picked it up recently… we can leave if you want?"

Charlie still hadn't fully allowed the situation to sink in, and Jacob was left to answer for him, "Yeah I think it be best if you just go… right Bella?" I felt her immediate anxiousness, she didn't want him to go, but she smiled and held out her hand. "I'll see you around then?"

Emmett smiled back and took his grip on her hand, "Yep." And there it was for the briefest of moments, neither of them wanted to let go, neither of them wanted to say goodbye again. This very moment was killing them and I was beginning to become afraid about what would happen, when they eventually let go. But they just dropped both there hands (only a vampire would have seen the lingering of Emmett's fingers… trying to hold her hand to his longer) and walked away both with mirroring smiles and broken hearts.

They were still in love with each other.

I looked over at Alice wondering if she had seen it, but as I looked at her face, I knew she knew and she had for sometime. And I painfully tried to find a reason why she hadn't told me… but all I drew up were blanks.

*****

"When the hell were you planning to tell me?"

We had made it home, and I had immediately turned to Alice in the car, pursuing an answer.

"What?"

She knew I knew, I could feel it but there she was with the lying again, maybe there was more to it then I had been led to believe… was Bella pregnant too?

"You know exactly what I mean, stop lying to me Alice, when did you find out Emmett still loved Bella?"

Alice stopped trying to ignore me and turned around facing me, "I think we all knew from the moment he came back, that he wasn't the same Emmett. But it wasn't until the letters that I was sure."

"Letters?"

I watched as she pulled a badly folded one, from one of her pockets, "I was going to show this to Bella, but I wasn't sure if it make things better or worse… it's just things are so bad Jazz and I don't know what to do anymore."

It was hard not to take her in my arms, but I needed to know more, so I leant over taking the letter… making sure to let my fingers linger for a moment on her hand. I opened it and began to read.

Dear Bella,

I wanted to start this letter by saying how much I love you and how much I miss you, but this all makes me hate you if not more then the day before. I hate you for what you've done to me, I hate you for making me come back and for making me stay, I hate you for making me fall in love with you and I hate you for giving up on me.

Bella I truly deeply hate you, but then again I do truly deeply love you.

Emmett.

I wasn't sure what to make of it, "Is this the only one or are there more."

"Hundreds more."

"Oh… and when did you find them." Alice looked scared, I never seen her like this before and it almost made me want to be sick.

"Last Friday." Then it clicked, that was when she had started acting different.

"Alice what happened."

"I was walking up to check on him, and I saw him past out on the floor, the pill bottle still in his hand, so I picked it up and ran off with them chucking them off a cliff. By the time I arrived back he was still past out and allowed myself to look around and make sure he didn't have anymore and that's when I found the box and all the letters," I could almost feel her trembling as she continued, "He woke up shortly after that and was furious, and I think I made things worse when I read out one of his letters… I know he didn't mean to.. But he…"

"What Alice what did he do?" I was getting anxious.

"He… grabbed me and pushed me into the wall… it hurt, but I knew it wasn't his fault… it's the pills his on, Jazz it wasn't him."

"Get out."

Alice shakily got out and I slid over to the drivers seat, shifting the car into reverse I tore down the street, not looking back.

*****

I didn't know what to think.

Truth be told, I wasn't really thinking, because all I was feeling was anger.

Anger towards, Edward for leaving.

Anger towards, Emmett for coming back.

Anger towards, Bella for telling Emmett to stay.

Anger towards, Edward for coming back.

Anger towards, whoever made those pills.

Anger towards, Edward for taking the pills.

Anger towards, Emmett for taking the pills after he seen what it had done to Edward.

Anger towards, Alex for everything he had done to Emmett, this past week (I knew it had to do with him).

ANGER towards, Emmett for hurting Alice, my Alice.

My fists clenched the steering wheel tighter, I knew I was getting closer. I could smell them.

I eventually pulled up outside, a rather extravagant house, and parked Alice's car just adjacent to it on the street. I could tell a party was going on and I knew that I would surely fine Emmett in the middle of it. It was funny how this party only a few weeks ago, wouldn't have made me think of Emmett, and now was the first place I looked for him.

I walked in and was immediately surrounded with a strong smell of alcohol and vomit; it was disgusting, making my way through the crowded house I looked desperately for Emmett. Eventually I saw Alex and him in the kitchen downing a few dozen beers, and new fresh track marks on their arms. I looked over at his arm and instead of being upset like I was before, all I felt was anger and I hurried my pace over to them. If he had been shocked to see me here, it hadn't shown.

"Jasper, brother come have a drink with us."

"Yeah Bro, have a few."

It was Alex who said it this time, and that's when I felt like everything clicked… I shouldn't be angry at Emmett, I should be angry with Alex (It's his fault Emmett's shooting up). I started walking towards Alex and it was just before I raised my fist, fully prepared to punch him as hard as I could (that wouldn't kill him), that Emmett jumped in front and my fist connected with his face. He doubled over falling hard to the ground, holding his hand to his face, where he began to shake. It wasn't until I listened closer that I realised he wasn't crying, he was laughing.

He turned to face me then, teeth bloody, jaw already beginning to turn a nasty shade of purple. "Punch me again Jazz, come on punch me again."

It was something about the urgency in his voice, that nearly made me want to be sick (even though I knew it was impossible for me). I got up and left, trembling as I left, walking away with his pleas for more violence etched in my mind forever.

*****

I arrived back home, and walked past Alice with not as much as a glance, she followed me though, and I led her into Rose's room where she was standing, just standing.

"Rose, we need to talk… about Emmett."

She didn't turn around, but I knew she was going to listen, "He is taking the pills…."

"Because of me… I know. He still loves Bella and I was selfish and told him I would only stay a vampire if he stayed with me….it's all my fault I know that…" It was then that I heard her voice begin to crack; something that Rose's simply never did, "I found them, all of them and I just put them back and pretended they weren't there… that he didn't still love her and that he was still in love with me."

I walked up behind her, and forced her to face me… she wasn't crying (vampires can't cry) but she was breaking down and I couldn't watch another family member breakdown in front of me again. So maybe I was a being selfish as I pulled her towards me and let her body cry out into my arms, in the only way a vampire could… we stood there both so still, both unmoving and both crying in the only way we could.

I remember asking Alice what it looked liked; Rose's and my embrace, and she said it was both tragic, but ever so beautiful. And Just before I kissed her I decided that was exactly what Emmett and Bella's situation was… tragic, but still so beautiful. He loved her, she loved him and they both believed they weren't loved by the other. So as my lips came to rest on Alice's forehead I was determined to make it right again and so it would once again, just be beautiful.

A.N: Ok so what you think??? I was a bit nervous about this one, i love to hear your feedback

-Katie