-Sigh- I know, I know…I haven't updated in AGES, and probably people have already forgotten. Thanks for being really patient though :)
I should also thank all those who had reviewed this story, even the ones who were unsigned. I've had a sudden increase of these, and I can't really thank them personally.
Anyway…ENJOY!
Warning: Deliberate spelling and grammar mistakes ahead. Read on if you dare, but don't sue me if your eyes start bleeding. You have been sufficiently warned…
Disclaimer: No, I do not own Twilight, Edward Cullen, lemons, or any form of porn. Full stop.
Plot No. 15 – Vampires and Fanfiction!
Setting – Bella's Bedroom, her House
Time – 11:12am, Saturday
Bella: -talks to herself- Okay, you have a Calculus test on Tuesday, so you better start today…Right…Now…Yeah…-Takes large math booklet and tries to do first question- …Okay, too hard, skip it…-Moves on to another question- …Yeah, too hard as well…-Tries third question- So when x equals 2y, then…Oh crap, I done it wrong…-Scans next couple of questions- …That's IT! I'm doing the English essay! –Turns on laptop, and somehow managed to get to Fanfiction- …Huh?
TDIB: -appears- Bella?! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING?!
Bella: -guiltily- I…er…um…-Minimises the window-
TDIB: -whacks laptop screen down and pushes maths notebook in front of her- Okay, do these questions!
Bella: -whines- What?! BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!
TDIB: I'll help you then! –Smugly- I am Asian, after all…
Bella: -mutters- Doesn't mean you're smart…
TDIB: Do you want my help or not?
Bella: -narrows eyes- The last time you tried to 'help' me, you pushed me off a fucking cliff!
TDIB: Yeah, but this is different! –Shoves pen into Bella's hand- Now do it!
Bella: -protests- What are you, my mum?!
TDIB: -grins- Think of me as the Asian mother you never had. –Throws white-out at Bella- NOW DO THESE QUESTIONS!!! –Flips through the booklet- …Dude, this is shit EASY!
Bella: -sarcastically- Gee, thanks for making me feel better…
-Meanwhile…-
Setting – Emmett's/Rose's Bedroom, Cullen House
Time – 11:14 am, Saturday
Emmett: -sigh- So bored…And horny…But Rose is out shopping with Alice…-Googles his own name- …Woah! One million hits!!! Sweet…-After clicking on a couple of links- …What's 'Fanfiction'?
-Couple of hours later…-
Rose: -enters bedroom- Em, sweetie, I'm home!
Emmett: -dry sobs- Rose! The computer's broken!!!
TDIB: -hides machete behind her back- Yeah…Nothing to do with me…-Disappears-
Rose: -fiddles with broken parts- Um…What did you do?
Emmett: It wasn't me! I swear, it's that human bitch…What's her face…Something is breaking…
TDIB: -appears screaming- THE DAWN IS BREAKING!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! –Bangs machete on Emmett, but the blade breaks off- Um…Oh shit… -Disappears-
Rose: …You got owned by a human?!
Emmett: -whines- Not my fault! She tricked me!!!
Rose: HOW?!
Emmett: -awkwardly- …Ah…Well…
Alice: -runs in- She threw a copy of Playboy out the back window and told him to fetch…
TDIB: -appears again- Well, isn't he a good boy? –Pats Emmett on the head- You are a good boy! –Pinches his cheeks- Yes you are! Yes you are!
Emmett: -pushes TDIB away- I want my LAPTOP!!!
Rose: -tries to calm Emmett down- Don't worry, we'll get you the iPad, okay?
Emmett: -ignores Rose- It sucks 'cause I can't surf the net for porn anymore!
Rose: …
Alice: -gasp-
TDIB: -looks around- Oh come ON! Is it REALLY that surprising?!
Rose/Alice: -in unison- …No…
Jasper: -runs in- Sorry, I just heard the word 'porn' and- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE COMPUTER?!
TDIB: -sheepishly- Ehehehe…Yeah…-Disappears-
Jasper: -gasp- NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't tell me that I can't update my Facebook profile anymore!
Alice: -comforts him as he dry sobs- It's okay sweetie…You can use your iPhone…
-Back at Bella's house…-
Bella: -whines- Can't I have a break? I'm hungry!
TDIB: -glares- You only did two questions. And they're the easy ones.
Bella: B-b-but…I hate Maths! –Checks laptop- Oooh, Jacob gave me an email!
TDIB: -exaggerated slow motion- NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Slams laptop lid down- DO YOUR WORK!
Bella: Hey! Easy! I haven't backed up my stuff yet! –Reads Jacob's email- Oh, he sent me a link!
TDIB: -while marking Bella's answers- It's porn, isn't it?
Bella: -dramatic sigh- He's not Emmett, okay? Jake's not interested in those things…
TDIB: -mutters- Well, you never thought he would have a crush on you, did you? And look where THAT went…
Bella: -blushes- No, seriously! He doesn't like porn!
TDIB: Dude, he's a hormonal teenage boy! He has needs!
Bella: -reads email- Bella, looks like I'm not the only one who thinks we should get together… What? –Clicks link-
TDIB: -looks over Bella's shoulder- Oh, that bastard…-Sees link- No…NOT FANFICTION!!!
-Couple of minutes later…-
TDIB: -whimpers in the corner- I'm mentally scarred for life…And I've seen Hosalie and Emmett going at it in the bathroom…
Bella: -blushes- Oh Jesus…That's…Well…
TDIB: -shakes head- Of all the lemons I have to read, it has to be you and Jake by La Push…-Shudders-
Bella: Geez…There's stuff like that on the Internet?!
TDIB: Shit yeah…Welcome to the world of Fanfiction…Pity your first experience of it has to be a lemon…
Bella: -nods weakly- Thank you for your sympathy…
-Meanwhile, back at the Cullen House-
Edward: -opens up his email account- Hey bloodsucker, I'm not the only one who thinks I'm better for Bella…In more ways than one… What? –Opens up link-
TDIB: -appears- Edward! My eyes are soiled! Please comfort me! –Lunges at him, but misses and hits her chin on the arm rest-
Edward: -glares- Get the hell away! That mutt Jacob just gave me an email!
TDIB: -rubs chin- He did? –Checks link- Oh no fucking WAY! It's porn! It's porn!
Edward: …
TDIB: Serious! It's pornography of the worst kind! BAD FOR YOU AND ME!
Edward: …
TDIB: I MEAN IT!!! IT'S BLOODY FUCKING PORN!!!
Edward: …And how do you know?
TDIB: Erm, Jacob sent it to Bella as well…Now she's whimpering in the deep dark recesses of her wardrobe.
Edward: -glares at computer screen- That stupid mutt…Is it really that bad?
TDIB: Dude, she's, like, curled up in a foetal position and rocking herself to sleep! Considering the fact that she hangs out with BOTH vampires and werewolves…
Edward: -sigh- I'll go comfort her then…
TDIB: -beams- Yay! –Tries to tug him away- Make her come out of the closet, okay? –Pauses- …Oh wait…
Edward: -glares-
TDIB: Um…Sorry…
Edward: -pulls arm back- I'll just check the link first…
TDIB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Please don't!
Edward: -opens link- Geez, it's just writing on a page! It won't have any effect! –Dazzles her- Trust me…
TDIB: Gah…uh…ah…erm…yah…a…right…-Disappears-
Edward: -reads for a couple of minutes- …Oh God! Bella and Jacob KISSING?! –Sigh- At least she knows what's good for her…They stumbled towards the bedroom…Maybe he also watches her sleep every night…THEY START TAKING EACH OTHERS' CLOTHES OFF?! Jacob, okay, but not my sweet BELLA!!!
TDIB: -appears- It gets worse…Or better…Depends on your mindset…
Edward: -grits teeth- That's IT! –Slams laptop lid down, but breaks both the computer and desk- I am going to KILL that bastard!
TDIB: -nods- Agreed! –Takes out new machete- I'll help!
Edward: I'm going to whack the living fuckness out of his fat head!
TDIB: That's the spirit, sister!
Edward: I'm going to snap his stinking spine into an infinite amount of pieces!
TDIB: -crows- All RIGHT!
Edward: And I'm going to smash his testicles so he won't do that to Bella in real life!
TDIB: …
Edward: -looks at her- What?
TDIB: -sighs- Wow…You really are perfect! –Tries to hug him, but he runs off towards Bella's house- Wait up, perfect one! Don't leave me!!! –Chases after him-
-15 minutes later, in Jacob's house-
TDIB: -appears- All right Jacob, you bastard! I've got a machete, and I'm not afraid to use it!
Billy: -while drinking and watching NBA with Charlie- He's in his bedroom again…
Charlie: -in a trance- Yeah…Go away, you're disturbing us…
TDIB: -shrugs- Eh, suit yourself…
-In Jacob's room-
Jacob: -tries to make an account on Fanfiction- Awww damn! 'JacobIsHot' has already been taken! –Types in new name- …What? 'JacobBlackIsHot' as well?! –Grins- Looks like I'm not the only one who thinks I'm sexy…
TDIB: -bursts into his bedroom wielding a machete- Please don't tell me you just said THAT…
Jacob: -glares- You again?! What's the fuck is your problem?!
TDIB: Dude, Edward's trying to bring the site of Fanfiction down, I'm having a freaking headache from reading that link you sent, and Bella is refusing to come out of the closet!
Jacob: -nods- Well, that would explain why she reject someone as hot as me…
TDIB: -rolls eyes- The point is, it's your fault!
Jacob: -ignores her- Yes! I've got the most brilliant idea!
TDIB: -mutters- Oh shit…
Jacob: I'm going to write my own story!
TDIB: …Double shit…
Jacob: Seriously! It'll be the awesomest story EVER!
TDIB: …You do know that 'awesomest' is not actually a word, right?
Jacob: -screams- SHUT UP! –Opens up a word document-
TDIB: -looks over- I would stop you now, for the sake of the millions of fan girls out there…But I just want to see you fail and be flamed…
Jacob: -stares at her- …Flamed?
TDIB: -shrugs- It's bad…But can be hilarious…
Jacob: -gulps- Okay then…-Types- Once upon a tym, theres a butyfull gorgous smexy grl named Izabela Mari Swan. She had long broun hair, sparklin chocolat eyes, purfect boobz an a nice ass. Unfortunatly, not only woz she lockd up in a tower by a abuzive trol caled Edword Cullan, hu raped her an fawced her 2 marry him, but she woz also fuly clothed.
TDIB: -shakes head- And I thought 'TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W A VAMPIR' was bad…
Jacob: -continues on- Soz along comz da tall, dark, hansom, sexy, hawt, dashin knite, Sir Jacob Black, ridin on a impresiv hawrse. He caled 2 da butyfull Bela 2 jump from da tower, as her ugly baztard huzban has ran of. She jumpd, cuz she could-int rezist hiz sexy husky voice. Da gr8 hansom Jacob caught her in hiz stron musclar armz whil stil on hawrsebak, an dey rode of 2getha in2 da sunset 2 get maried. –Sits back and grins- There! My first masterpiece! It's good, isn't it?
TDIB: …
Jacob: I'll assume you're speechless because you're awed by my story! I'll start on the next chappie now! DA HONEYMOON!
TDIB: -shrieks- Oh GOD!
Jacob: -nods- Hmmm…I'll put that in the story as well…
TDIB: Gah!!! –Tries to kill off Jacob's computer, but he breaks the machete into two-
Jacob: -angrily- Not my work, bitch!
TDIB: -frustrated- Oh Jesus, I'm off! –Disappears-
Jacob: Good! I need to concentrate on Chapter 2. This might become a bestseller one day…
-Couple of minutes later…-
Jacob: -checks email- Ooh, someone sent me something! –Opens the file, but the computer immediately freezes, and shuts down- No…NO…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! –Tries to turn on computer, but to no avail- Oh not now! Not when I'm writing this!!!
-Meanwhile, back in Australia-
TDIB: -cackles- Maybe having a virus on the computer isn't THAT bad after all…
Okay, sorry about the really bad spelling mistakes. Cyber cookies to everyone who could actually read that.
Considering that this is my last year of high school, I don't really have much time for updating this story. I am sorry, I know I should have done this last year, but I'm putting this story on hiatus, and will only update when I have the time. Do read other stuff on Fanfiction, 'cause I'm not the only one.
Next Chappie: Twilight/Harry Potter Crossovers! (Eventually...)