A/N: Due to the fact that real life is secretly a Sith Lord, we the editors are not currently accepting submissions for Inbox. As stands this is probably the last installment. Thanks, guys! It was fun.
Jabba the Hutt
Frodogenic's idea, as developed by Mathematica
Welcome. You have reached His Exaltedness the Great and Mighty Jabba the Hutt. His Corpulence is not available to take your call at this time. Perhaps if you leave a message begging for his condescension, His Obesity will later deign to respond to you—unless, of course, you are His Imperial Majesty the Emperor, His Highness Prince Xizor, the Lord Darth Vader, or Grandma Zorga, in which case the infinitely humble Jabba is of course your devoted servant and, begging your most noble pardon for the delay, will return your call as soon as possible. If you are that infernal double-crosser Ziro, be advised that His Obscenity may, with proper monetary stimulation, permit you to beg for mercy after a suitable period of moderate to severe torture. Please leave your message after the beep.
-beep-
Jabba, this is Fett. I have Solo but will be forced to take a circuitous route back to Tatooine. Those blasted Rebel friends of his are obsessive. I'd watch out for that little brunette girlfriend of his if I were you. She's a shrimp but believe me when I say she could win an arm-wrestling match with a rancor.
-beep-
Jabba, Dengar. Heard about Solo. Are you still offering a reward for the Wook, at least?
-beep-
Hutt, this is Vader. It is entirely possible that my so—erm, that heinous misguided would-be Jedi pyromaniac Skywalker, may venture onto Tatooine should Fett ever manage to deliver Solo to you. Should you manage to deliver Skywalker to me, I may be willing to overlook the fact that you owe the Imperial Navy twelve million credits for damages inflicted by certain of your employees.
-beep-
Dad, it's Rotta. Look, I'm really sorry about that argument we had last time I called. How about I meet you on Tatooine later this week for lunch? I bought a whole tank of your favorite Nubian frogs just yesterday….
-beep-
- 1110101010100001101010!!!!!!!!!
- Now, hold it there you overgrown trash receptacle! I don't think Master Luke would— record the call? Why on earth would I want to record the—
-beep-
Master, Bib Fortuna here. I've never heard of a "rancor" before but I'll start researching them right away.
-beep-
Mr Jabba, this is an exclusive offer from JOL Dime Horner. We know how hard it can be to find quality Holonet services for your large business at affordable rates, and that's why we'd like to offer you our Cartel Special! For monthly payments as low as 200 credits, you could provide all of your thugs, bodyguards, smugglers, and spice dealers with the latest in high-speed intergalactic communications! Every JOL Dime Horner Cartel Special includes our original patented HuttSmart Encryption system, guaranteed to seal your communications even from trained Imperial hackers!!! Don't wait—call one of our agents today, and find out if the JOL Dime Horner Cartel Special is right for you!!! (rebelspyprotectionsoldseparatelysomerestrictionsmayapply)
-beep-
Mr Jabba, this is Dathomir Exotic Exports Ltd. calling to confirm your order of one medium male rancor. Congratulations! We know you'll enjoy your new pet for decades to come. Please be advised that this creature is classified as Extremely Dangerous and should be handled with caution. Your rancor should arrive via Smuggler Priority Shipping in one to two business weeks, barring any shipment disasters.
-beep-
Jabba, Fett. Give me an extra week. That blasted princess caught up to me at Duro and shot off my aft starboard stabilizer. You're covering the replacement charge.
-beep-
Jabba, this is Cousin Gudda. Are you coming to the love poetry recital on Nal Hutta this weekend? I've been giving everyone copies of your latest work, it's really going over well. We're all just dying to hear you recite "Ode to a Dead Slave Girl."
-beep-
Your Corpulence, this is Watto. Remember those credits Skywalker paid you right after the Boonta Eve in '89? Well, I want them back.
-beep-
Your Vastness, this is C-2DO from Wixbar and Dorf of Mos Eisley, Dealers in Fine Droids Since 300 PIE (Pre-Imperial Era). In response to your message on last Thursday, we regret to inform Your Rotundity that our comprehensive warrants on protocol droids do not cover wilful disintegration. We will, however, be happy to sell you a replacement, and would like to point out that we have an excellent sale on ProtoSuave e300-series units this week.
-beep-
Mr Jabba, you are invited to a slime-tasting party this weekend in honor of the upcoming Boonta Day festivities, hosted by Her Bulkiness Gardulla. Please be sure to bring a favorite scantily-clad slave girl to participate in the traditional White Bantha Gift Exchange.
-beep-
Mr Jabba, this is a representative of the Rebel Alliance. It has come to our attention that your son, Rotta, has recently enlisted in our ranks. While the Rebel Alliance does value any and all personnel who enlist, Alliance weight restrictions and that horrible smell of bantha dung that we just can't seem to counteract still stand. Might we suggest that your family sponsor the Rebellion in a more…indirect manner?
-beep-
Mr Jabba, this is a message from the Union of Gamorrean Guards (UGG). As you may be aware, UGG has expressed increasing dissatisfaction with the working conditions of your Tatooine palace. In particular UGG is disturbed by your callousness towards the unfortunate guards who have lost their lives in incidents involving your personal pets, blasters, thermal detonators, trapdoors, local wildlife, escaped prisoners, and improperly maintained wind-chimes. Unless you take measures to improve safety conditions, UGG will be forced to drastic measures.
-beep-
Your Vastness, Watto again. I hear you've got a bounty going on that kid Skywalker. I get first dibs. Master's privilege and all.
-beep-
Oh, wait, you mean that Skywalker? Well, why the blinking kriff didn't you say so?
-beep-
I still get half.
-beep-
Or a third. A third is good.
-beep-
Hey, Dad. I know we don't see eye to eye when it comes to the Rebellion, and that's okay. But come on! The Jedi saved my life, you know. I really think you ought to consider giving Solo back to Skywalker. They're pretty determined and it would be a shame if he wound up killing you or something.
-beep-
Hello, Mr Jabba. This is an automated message from the Mos Eisley Public Library. Your copy of The Everything Criminal Cartel Book is five hundred twenty-two years, one month, and five days overdue. Your copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting: Hermaphrodite Edition is fifty-one years, eight months, and seventeen days overdue. Your copy of The Seven Habits of Effective Crime Lords is thirty-eight years, eleven months, and one day overdue. Since you are a Hutt and this is Tatooine, your current fines for these items are 0 Imperial credits. All the same it'd be great to get those books back.
-beep-
Dad, Rotta. I hate you.
-beep-
Mr. Jabba, this is the Exotic Gamekeepers Union calling in response to your majordomo's message of yesterday. We understand you're purchasing a rancor. Our office has already sent out the job offer ad to all of our members specializing in oversized exotic predator maintenance. We'll let you know as soon as we hear back from them.
-beep-
Jabba, this is Ziro. Just wanted to let you know that the Outerlander's doing great, business is booming and I've recently imported fifteen more Twi'lek dancing girls. How's things back in the sandpit?
-beep-
Jabba, this is static boom static in orbit over Ord Man static beeeeeeezyow static incess and her CENSORED CENSORED frigging Jedi CENSORED static STATIC rip off his CENSORED CENSORED my aft shields failin static crackle static static ack you, Solo, no reward is worth static kasheeeeeeeeee static doubling my fee for this, you slimy overgrown piece of CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED static static
-beep-
Your Flatulence, C-2DO. In response to your most discourteously worded message, no, we do not sell any disintegration-proof protocol models. Might I suggest an anger management course?
-beep-
Your Grossness, this is Kitster Banai. I hear you've got a bounty out on An—Skywalker. Do you possibly know his last known location? I'd like to send him a postcard.
-beep-
Um, what exactly do you mean by, "for the last CENSORED time, it's not that CENSORED Skywalker"? Is that a no, then? Don't you know where he is?
-beep-
Hutt, this is Prince Xizor. Kill Skywalker and I'll pay double whatever Vader's offering.
-beep-
-Alright, Rogues, this one's for Han! On three! One—
-Two—
-Five!
-Three, sir!
-Erm, three!
-I LIKE—BIG—HUTTS AN' I CANNOT LIE—YOU UTHA FOLKS CAN'T DEEENY—
Security Warning: This call is detected as arriving from a source not registered on your list of permissible contacts. Do you wish to mark this source as spam?
-beep-
Jabba, this is Ferus Olin. Do you know where Skywalker is? I'd like to kick his scrawny little ass back to the Temple.
-beep-
Skywalker? Well, he'd be middle aged now, blond, possibly carrying a light-- wait, hang on, I think they're tracing this call. Never mind.
-beep-
Um, Mr Hutt, sir? This is Tru. Tru Veld. Don't listen to Ferus, sir, he's overly cranky when he hasn't done his katas. Anyway, do you have a number for Anakin or something? Only I've still got his cloak, and it's been kind of a long time since I've seen him.
-beep-
Hutt, this is Vader. Would you care to explain why several of your hired bounty hunters were caught trespassing on my castle grounds and summarily disintegrated?
-beep-
Jobby-wockers, darling, this is Grandma Zorga. You really ought to make things up with poor little Rotta. I know he's being rebellious and insufferable, but try to remember, he's only fifty, the adorable tyke. He can't be expected to know right from wrong. Don't you worry, eventually he'll settle down and forget about all these crazy youthful pro-Jedi ideals. You know Grandmummy doesn't like it when you two are cross with each other.
-beep-
DadthisisRottaImsorryIguesskayseeyoulaterbye
-beep-
Mr Jabba, this is the Rebel Alliance calling to offer our sincerest thanks. Not that Rotta isn't a great kid or anything.
-beep-
Mr Jabba, this is Dathomir Exotic Exports Ltd. Unfortunately, your first rancor shipment was improperly packaged, resulting in the devouring of several ill-fated crewmembers and the total destruction of the hyperdrive electrical system and inertial compensator, so as best we can tell it is currently floating somewhere in the Baasta Sector in a puddle of kinetically-smeared goo. We'll ship your replacement on us, along with a coupon towards your next purchase. Please accept our regrets for the delay.
-beep-
Cut! All right, you three, doing Jabba—can I get a little more roll in those eyes, please? And you, puppeteer on the arms—let's see that faster, more intense! Where's makeup? We need some more slime on those—
ERROR: DIMENSIONAL WORMHOLE ALERT
-beep-
Your Repugnance, Fortuna here. The earthquake seems to have died down. I have the Gamorreans checking the palace for structural damage. The fourth wall appears to have taken the worst of it.
-beep-
Jabba, Fett. Have FINALLY gotten my ship spaceworthy after that dratted princess shot up my hyperdrive over Ord Mantell. ETA is four this afternoon. If you ever want me to deliver you another Rebel ever again, you're going to pay triple my usual fee.
-beep-
Jabba, this is Windu. Skywalker is so mine.
-beep-
Yoda, this is. To me, Skywalker belongs. A Master's privilege, it is. Jealous, Master Windu has become. Er hur hur hur.
-beep-
This is Ki-Adi Mundi here. Where is that Skywalker brat? I want to slice him in half.
-beep-
If you do see Anakin, can you tell him that Qui-Gon is looking for him?
-beep-
Hutt, Vader. The deal is off. Prepare to die.
-beep-
OOOOOOORAWAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL
- Just a moment, Chewbacca, you're talking too fast!
-Threepio, get—
- 10000111101010001110101!!!!!!!
- Shut up, you overweight glob of grease, can't you see I'm trying to translate for Chew—
-out of my way! Hutt, this is Leia Organa. You're bird bait.
-beep-
- Okay, Rogues, count of three. One, two, two and three quarters …
- Um, guys, I really don't think—
- Hey, Your Ugliness, you see this guy here? That's Skywalker. And you can't have him! Na na na na—oi! Oi, Luke! Stop struggling, I—Wedge, help me get him—owowowow—
-Hobbie, that was my nose, you Sithspawned—!
Security Warning: This call is detected as arriving from a source not registered on your list of permissible contacts. Do you wish to mark this source as spam?
-beep-
Master, Fortuna here. Two droids are at the door. Should I prep the rancor pit, or would the Sarlaac's maw suffice?
-beep-
Let them in? Well, it's your loss. I'll open the gate.