NOTE:
Well, my laptop charger has died, so I can't do any work on IAS until it's back up. So, to keep myself writing, I thought I'd do this. Thanks to my awesome beta/friend/fellow writer frodogenic for her lovely advice and edits, as ever!
Inbox
by Mathematica
Hello, this is Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, aka The Hero With No Fear, the Chosen One or Damn You Skywalker, Do You Know How Much That Tunic Cost?, if you're talking to Ferus. At this moment, I am either duelling Separatists, meeting with the Council, teaching my Padawan how to hotwire speeders or discussing politics with Senator Amidala. Therefore, I obviously am not able to take your transmission. Please leave a message, and I shall get back to you at my earliest convenience – which, put bluntly, equates to when I can pick up a comlink without having to worry about losing my other arm as well or when I actually have a free hand with which to – Yes, Obi-Wan? No, I – this does so sound official, you bantha-herding – wait, hang on, what was that? Wha- yes, I would include some sort of explanation, but I think I'm running out of ti –
-beep-
Anakin … this is Obi-Wan. Please update your answer-holocom message. The Council is getting a bit ... nervous ... about the image that you project.
Anyway, good luck on your mission to Accidentia. I think you'll need it. They say that the Separatist armies have long since left the area, but knowing your track record with such things, they'll turn up in thousands just to get a shot at you. As for leaving Ahsoka with me ... lets just say that I'm wounded that you place so little value on my life or my sanity. She's been good so far, but I think that's only because she's missing you. I'm still waiting for something to explode whenever I step into the apartment.
May the Force be with you, old friend.
-beep-
Master, 'Soka here. Enjoy your suicide run. Don't forget you promised to teach me how to splice into the Council records when you get back.
-beep-
Mr Skywalker, this is Mos Espa Lending Library. Your copy of the book "Pod Racing for Beginners" is eleven years, eight months and two days overdue. Furthermore, we would like to remind you that since you were a slave at the time of borrowing said item, you did not have any legal right to check out the book in the first place. The fines for this object, including your legal costs, now total 5871 Huttese Credits. Payments can be made in gold, cash, objects or slaves. Have a nice day.
-beep-
The Council wishes you good luck on your mission, Knight Skywalker. May the Force be with you.
-beep-
Anakin, I was looking at your holocom image again – and I just noticed that you appear to have a tattoo on your arm. When did you get it, and why does it look like something to do with Senator Amidala and her, erm, personal statistics?
Listen, Intelligence has revealed that Grievous's forces are regrouping west of the equator for a frontal attack, so – wait, Ahsoka, I'm talking to Anakin. What? No, you can't have the comm, this is important Council business – bed, Ahsoka! Now! No, I don't care if you – wait, what the – no, no, don't you dare – oh blast it! Ahsoka, you stupid, irresponsible, impulsive ... Force, Anakin, I'm going to have to call you back. It seems that your Padawan has – no, Ahsoka, the fire extinguisher is to the left – no, the other left! –
-beep-
Mr Skywalker, this is the Mos Espa Lending Library. Look, I don't care if your Master stuck the book in a hyperdrive eleven years ago or if you burnt it for fuel on Hoth; the fines are outstanding, and we need them paid. We would also need to see you in court some time this season. Remember that as a slave, you are not entitled to legal representation of any kind. With the cost of the book added on to your legal fees and previous fines, you would be paying 7423 Huttese Credits. Have a nice day.
-beep-
MasterthisisSokaI'mreallysorryIdidn'tmeantodoitpleasedon'tkillme -
-beep-
Skywalker, this is Windu. The charge for repainting my speeder that your Padawan defaced with images of your face figures at around 1000 credits. The charge for allowing your Padawan to get away with such misdemeanours by telling her that "Windy loves me really, I'm sure of it" is cleaning out the Temple 'freshers for two weeks upon your return without the use of the Force. Windu out.
-beep-
Hey sexy, it's me. I noticed that on the holonet you have long curly hair and blue eyes. I like that in a woman. So, I'll light your sabre any - hang on, on second thoughts, you seem to be male. Never mind. Forget I called.
-beep-
Anakin, this is Obi-Wan. Hurry up and get home soon, before Ahsoka completely destroys what's left of my sanity. I think the trick for dealing with her is not to have any in the first place. Rather like you, actually.
-beep-
100001010100011100011100010101000111111111001001011
-beep-
Master, this is 'Soka. Hurry up and get home, will you? Master Obi-Wan is such a – why no, Master, I was just … uh, calling the cleaners –
-beep-
Hello, Mr. Anakin Skywalker! We at Coruscant Credit Union greatly value the contributions that our brave Jedi Knights make to the galaxy, and we'd like to express our appreciation by pre-qualifying you for the Coruscant Credit Union Quadranium Club Card, starting at an amazing credit limit of 5,000 credits! Low interest rates, high credit limits, and frequent spacegoer mile programs are just a few of the benefits available to Quadranium Club Card members! Look us up on the Holonet and transmit your personalized code to claim your new Quadranium Club Card today!
-beep-
Windu here. Look, Skywalker, I don't care if you're a Knight now; I am still technically your superior, and can therefore dole out "assignments" to you as I see fit. And what's all this nonsense about a Club Card, anyway?
-beep-
Anakin, son, this is Palpatine. Have you thought of our discussion on good and evil? Remember, good is only a point of view - and might I recommend to you The Prince, by Machiavelli, for some further reading?
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, this is Supply. Your new lightsabre is ready. Could you please stop by and pick it up? Incidentally, what happened to the other twenty-three lightsabres you've lost this year?
-beep-
Anakin, why are you trying to sell Master Windu into slavery? I mean, I thought what with - no, Ahsoka. Wait - oh Force where did you learn to do that? Ahsoka!
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, this is a message from Senator Amidala. Lady Amidala kindly requests your presence at the earliest possible convenience, as she has something of yours that you left with her on your previous mission together. She says that it is a personal item, so she would appreciate its retrieval as soon as possible.
-beep-
100001010100011100011100010101!!!!!0001111100011100010100101101000010101010001110!!!!!!!!!!
-beep-
Don't listen to a word he says, Master Anakin! That no-good sorry overgrown garbage disposal - he'll pay for this!
-beep-
Mr Skywalker, this is the Coruscant Traffic Authority. You have hereby been fined 5000 credits for running up 30 speeding fines last week in the vicinity of 500 Republica, and for exceeding the legal speed limit by around 100 miles an hour. Payments must be made within the next five working days, or legal action will be taken. Have a nice day.
-beep-
Are you having trouble starting a family? At our Secure Planning and Examination of Relationship Matters Clinics (SPERM Clinics), we can help you sort out your relationship troubles, and more! Call today! Standard rates apply.
-beep-
Um, Master? 'Soka here. You know those … objects … that we borrowed from Master Windu? Well, I think that Master Obi-Wan might have found them. It's not my fault, honest! If he wasn't such a neat freak he never would have seen them! Seriously, what kind of weirdo cleans other people's bedrooms? You see how crazy he is? Actually, you lived with him for twelve years, you'd know that anyway ...
-beep-
Skywalker, Windu here. I know you know damn well why all my undergarments are mysteriously disappearing. You and that infantile Padawan of yours.
-beep-
A mistake to assign Padawan Tano to you, it was. Thick as thieves, you two are. Many grey hairs, Master Kenobi now has. Suit him, they do not. Eh heh heh heh.
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, this is Agent Brian Ellesie of the Naboo Environmental Protection Agency. We have received a report claiming that you illegally entered a natural wildlife park in the Varykino district and proceeded to torment a herd of protected shaak approximately two years ago. As a result, the NEPA has begun legal proceedings against you. Have a nice day.
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, this is a message from the Coruscant Prison Board. As you have four law suits filed against you in three different systems and will be subsequently incarcerated in one of our affiliated prisons, it would be most beneficial to us if you could give an inspirational talk to our young offenders about how being a Jedi kept you from pursuing a life of crime, and ... oh blast this. Anyone got a number for Palpatine?
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, this is the Temple Bursar. I don't care if you're the bloody Chosen One or if you're Darth Bane, you're paying those fines yourself.
-beep-
Sir, this is Cody. The only sign of enemy activity that we've found is a shot down flagship. Permission to defecate on it, sir?
-beep-
Anakin, this is Obi-Wan. Please can you come back and retrieve your errant Padawan before I strangle her with my bare hands? She gets it from you, you know. I'm sure of it.
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, this is Supply. I was shocked and grieved by the tone of your last message to me. I can assure you, I do "have a life", as you so rudely phrased it, and it certainly does not revolve around "counting how many of the bloody things I've lost since I came to this stupid place". Might I suggest an elementary course in manners from a protocol droid instead?
-beep-
Ani, it's Obi-Wan here. As your long-suffering Master with the patience of a saint, I am aware that if your weapon really were your life, then yes, you would be dead by now. All the same, you have set a temple record for the most lightsabres lost in a career and you're only what, twenty one?
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, Brian from the NEPA. Um—if Senator Amidala says it's okay, then we'll let it go this time. But please refrain from further infractions. Shaak are people, too.
-beep-
Consider yourself expelled from the Order until my missing items of clothing are returned, Skywalker.
-beep-
IthrewthemdownthegarbagechuteMasterI'mreallyreallysorrypleasedon'tkillme –
-beep-
Mr Skywalker, the Coruscant Traffic Authority regrets to inform you that it cannot accept a second-hand speeder with the engine missing as payment for your traffic fines. Nor do we accept Huttese Credits as a form of currency. In any case, the amount you referred to would only change into five Republic Credits at the current rate of exchange. For future reference, we do not accept objects, slaves or IOUs as methods of payment. Kindly find some alternative means of paying your debts. Thank you.
-beep-
Knight Skywalker, this is a message from the office of Senator Amidala. When she was referring to an object that you forgot on Naboo, she actually meant your spare black robe. Are you really implying that she's fat enough to look pregnant?
-beep-
Mr Anakin Skywalker, Horizon Galactica values you as a faithful customer! That's why we'd like to offer you the latest upgrade! For just ninety-nine credits, you could have unlimited long-distance Holonet calls up-to-twenty-five-light-years-from-five-to-nine-Galactic-Standard-Time-not-including-officially-recognized-holidays-and-weekends-other-restrictions-may-apply, as well as free calls to fellow Horizon Galactica customers on Galactic Standard Time weekends! Just visit us on the Holonet to enter your personalized code and receive your upgrade at a great discount! Horizon Galactica—Raising the Bar.
-beep-
Sir, this is Moteé. Milady says that if you want to apologise, she's very partial to Alderaanian chocolates at this moment in time.
-beep-
Anakin, Obi-Wan here. You'd better be completing your mission by now. I'm counting the days until I can get rid of your –oh, what's the use, you never answer this damn thing anyway.
-beep-
Skywalker, this is Nejaa Halcyon. Don't worry about the other night. Believe me, I've had my share of arguments with my, er, partner too. You know, you and the Senator ought to drop by Corellia some time and I can introduce you to the family. A Code-breakers' Convention sort of thing. Call me when you get back and we'll work out a date.
-beep-
Skywalker, I do not take "Hutt size" undergarments. Windu.
-beep-
Master! Thank the Force you're coming back today! Because I really – no, um, Master Obi-Wan, I was just, um, ordering some takeout. Ah, that'll be two orders of fried nerf sausage and a side of, erm, doopa rolls, please. The Jedi Temple, Apartment 153-B … twenty minutes? Thanks!
-beep-
Ani, you're still sleeping on the couch.
-beep-
Welcome home, Knight Skywalker. You have 344 unread messages in your GalacticTech inbox.