I do have ideas... Ooooh. No inspiration, though. I think fan fictions have died. Mine have, at least. I wish it weren't so. Last super-emo Renesmee chapter. Will move on to more excitement soon. That's a promise.
CHICAGO
The Chicago airport was one of the most terrifying things I'd ever seen in my life. I'd never seen quite so many people, all in one building. It felt like there were more people here than in all of Forks. It was nerve-wracking, terrifying, and exhilarating all at once. It made me thirsty. Dad squeezed my hand too-tightly when I thought that, and I sneered at him. It wasn't like I was going to do anything.
Alice got stuck at the bag check. I wasn't sure if it was because she had so many bags with her or because the security guard was checking her out. Either way, we made quite a scene. Everyone stared as she argued about all of them indeed being her carryon. I smiled a little. It felt weird. I hadn't smiled in so long.
I noticed something, while we stood there waiting. The people who stopped, the people who stared… they weren't only staring at Alice and her absurd baggage. They stared at us – all of us.
I touched Mom's face, questioning.
She smiled gently and turned me to face a little store, with rows of magazines in the window. The people on the covers of the magazine all were inhumanly beautiful – still mildly unattractive by vampire standards, but pretty enough.
Then Mom rotated me slowly to face Rosalie, and I made the connection. She attracted most of the attention, and she was the most beautiful of us.
I hadn't realized that we were that special. Back home in Forks, the only humans we ever saw knew us for what we were. These people… these people just saw our outer façades, and they stereotyped us for it. Movie stars, they might think. Or very rich, very important.
The attention made me feel uncomfortable. Especially the boy at a little café, who sat with his two parents eating breakfast. His eyes were faceted on me. It was really… awkward.
Dad noticed as soon as I did, and pulled me closer into himself. Then I felt ridiculous. Sure, I still felt like his four-year-old daughter, but I looked like I was just his age. Like he could have been my mate.
He chuckled. "Just want to protect my baby girl from the world," he whispered into my ear.
Mom glanced at him and rolled her eyes at me.
"Isn't Alice done yet?" Emmett came up behind us, sulking, his arm wrapped tightly around Rosalie's waist.
"No." Rose tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. "Carlisle hasn't worked his magic yet. He wants her to struggle a little bit."
"I'm so bored," Emmett moaned. He grinned at me. "Having fun, Nessie? Looks like that young man over there enjoys the view." He nodded discreetly at the boy in the café and I felt myself turn red.
"Emmett," Dad said warningly. "Don't encourage anything."
"Carlisle…"Rosalie whined.
He shrugged helplessly and went over to Alice. He whispered a few words to the baggage checker and I saw a few bills change hands. We were all moving.
Mom winked at me, and I shook my head. I guess it was funny. But really, how could anything be amusing to me right now?
Once we were in the waiting vehicle, I watched the buildings zoom by outside my window with wide eyes. Chicago was so big, so busy. It was a place to explore, where one could so easily lose herself. Forget herself.
Alice smacked my knee lightly. I wondered what she'd seen. I turned back to the window.
The hugeness of the buildings amazed me. The number of the people on the streets dazzled me. There had to be more to this city than there was in the life I lived now. In such a huge place, there had to be some way for me to find a different path, to forget about Jake, to leave Forks behind.
I thought I might actually be okay with leaving Forks.
Maybe Mom was right. Maybe I needed a change of scenery to make me feel better, maybe I needed to get out and do things to help me to forget. Then the idea of forgetting my Jacob hit me hard and I curled up into a tight little ball, sobbing again.
* * *
The house was strange, echo-y, empty. Unfamiliar. It was beautiful, I suppose. Timeless, like Grandma and Grandpa's house back in Forks. Graceful, tall, wide, with a winding front porch and what seemed to be the only lawn in all of Chicago.
Dad nudged me gently. "This was my house," he said, his voice low. "I lived here when I was human."
I looked up at it again, trying to imagine Dad as a little boy, running around in the massive rooms I was sure sat behind the elegant white façade of the house. I couldn't picture it. "You lived here?"
"Esme fixed it up a little bit." His voice was hoarse. Mom pulled him into her and he rested his head on her shoulder briefly before Grandpa stopped the car. Everyone spilled out, grabbing bags and boxes, except for me. I got out slowly, looking up at the huge, strange house.
Jacob had never been to this house. Jacob would never come to this house. The open door showed wide, empty hallways. Empty of memories, empty of love, empty of anything. Like the emptiness inside me.
Esme came back out, her arms empty of luggage, and saw me. Instead of coming to the overflowing trunk, she came to me, and wrapped an arm around me. "Are you doing okay, Nessie?"
I nodded, unable to trust my voice.
She tightened her arm around me. "It's going to be okay, darling. I promise. We are all going to miss Jacob. Not as much as you will, I know. But we are all going to have to move on."
Move on. It was a phrase I'd heard far, far too much of late. I didn't need – want – to think about moving on. Moving on meant losing the past, losing control of everything I had so solidly built up around myself. Four years of my life – four years of perfection. All gone now, gone with Jacob. Thanks to the idea of moving on.
I clasped Esme's hand gently and then squirmed out from under her arm. "That's easier said than done." Then I turned and ran away, childishly, up the winding wooden steps into the house.
"Renesmee?" Alice called, when I was barely through the door.
Who else? "Yes, Alice?"
"Come up here. You need to see your room."
I rolled my eyes and danced upstairs to the sound of her voice. "This it?" I looked in and saw what looked almost exactly like my room back in Forks. The CDs on the floor. Jacob's Chair next to the bed. The sheets that had been on my bed back home. And a picture, on the bedside table, of Jake and me standing side-by-side, our arms tight around each other and our faces happy.
My eyes filled with tears. "You decorated this?"
She slipped her arms around my waist. "Yes, Renesmee. It's just like back home."
I nodded, a tear slipping down my nose. "Thank you."
Alice smiled up at me and pressed an envelope into my hands. "This is for you. From Jacob. Right before the fight. He said to read it when you're ready. I'll leave you alone." Quietly, she slipped out the door.
I looked down at the envelope, my heart pounding. To my darling Nessie read the too-familiar handwriting on the front.
If you're reading this, I'm gone. I can't believe it. I can't stand it. I can't stand knowing what you must be going through now. I can't stand the idea that I'm putting you through it.
Your mom told me that if things don't work out, you're going to have to move. Move to where? I can't imagine you not living in Forks. She said something about Chicago. It's a big city. Full of strange people. Strange things. Things that you'll have to learn about without me.
Oh, Nessie, I'm sorry that our time together is so short. I'm sorry about all the things we'll never have time to do. I'm sorry that there will be no more hunts in the rain, no more midnight wanderings, and no more picnics on the beach. I'm sorry that I'll never be able to tell you that I love you again, that I'll never see your perfect face. I'm sorry that we'll never go cliff diving or start a family of our own. I'm sorry… for everything.
Be brave for me, darling. Be strong.
But I couldn't read anymore. I couldn't see. The letters all blurred together on the page, and I folded it carefully and tucked it back into the envelope. I wasn't ready to be strong. I wasn't ready to be brave.
I found an empty drawer in the monster desk Alice had dragged in here, and jammed the letter into the darkest, farthest corner. Looking around the room, I saw the reminders that I hadn't been strong enough to put away. Now I wasn't strong enough to look at them. I picked up all the CDs and shoved them into the back of the closet. I flipped over the picture on the bedside table so I didn't have to see our smiling faces.
When I curled up on the bed, I smelled Jacob in the sheets. I willed myself not to cry, but I'd never felt so alone. So disconnected.
Everything fell into place. I was in Chicago, without Jacob. I would never be here with him. I would never be with him again.
Ever.
If I get... actual reviews... on this, I'll update. Or else it dies. Like the rest of the world.