Disclaimer: I do not own CSI:NY obviously. Geez, stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance!

Notes: Redemption is a funny thing. I doubt my OC deserves it, but I wanted to have a story line that goes through it. The title literally means 'Sparkle with Joy' as a command. It's French! And it has to do with the eyes which I think is perfect. I wasn't going to post this for a while, but I thought since it's the holidays. Like always, enjoy.

Déjà Vu

She smudged the dirt off of her badge. Her badge. Something she held before as a sense of pride. Now she had lost everything. Her job. Her marriage. Her freedom. Soon she was going to give up her rights. She didn't do the crime. She looked over at him. Then at her side. A holster that she would never need again. The clip was remarkably harder to pry open than she remembered. Her hands were sweaty. Tears streamed down her face. Her wedding band gone now. The line fading.

"Mac, I didn't do this."

"It doesn't matter." Even he refused to make eye contact with her. "Your gun and your badge."

"Mac, please," she was practically begging.

"Your gun and your badge." Anger flared in her.

"Don't treat me like some dirty cop because you and I both know that I'm not some druggie who killed someone. I didn't do this. Mac, you know I would never."

"No, the Kelly Higgins I know would never cheat on her husband. Your badge and your gun."

"I didn't cheat on him." I didn't! "Mac."

"Mac, what? Don't even act like you had nothing to do with this. Your badge and your gun." What was that in his eyes? Hate. No. Whatever it was, she shrunk in fear. Finally, she recognized it. Disgust. A look he saved for those who commit some of the most heinous crimes. Surely, she didn't deserve that. Shakily, the gun in its holster was placed on the desk along with her badge. "Get out of my lab." She looked away. She knew she deserved it, but still she wanted it to go back where she'd mess up and he'd carefully and kindly explain why she was wrong. But he'd forgiven her more than she deserved.

"I'm sorry."

…………………………………………………..

The unexamined life was not worth living. She had lived both, and she didn't care about the normal life. She missed the life that was under the public eye at all times. But her mistake hadn't made the papers. Not yet. Once she was led away there were no guarantees. Mac had promised that this case was as under wraps as they come. It was the most he would do for her. Mainly for reasons of the lab. She shoved her hands further into her pockets. Why couldn't she even remember what happened?

"Hey, lady, can you spot me some change?" someone started walking next to her.

"Sorry, no spare change," she grunted as she was pushed up against the nearby building.

"Come on, you have to have money," his eyes were gaunt and lost. "My sister's sick and needs treatment." She saw through the lie. But she pitied him anyway.

"I'm sorry, but I don't have any money. Get lost." She saw all the cases she had solved where someone was killed for their money just so someone could get high or whatever their misplaced sense of justice led them to obtain. Obsession lingered in her attacker's eyes.

"Money, now," he pulled a knife out. He had to have the money. No one understood what he was going through.

"Okay, okay," she dug in her pocket and held up her wallet. "Just take the money."

"What else do you have?" He looked at her neck where her wedding ring hung.

"Anything but my ring," she pleaded. He yanked it off of her. She started to fight back. He panicked, and the knife dug into her.

"Why so serious?" Great the last lines I'll ever hear are from a movie. I feel like Tony. The city street faded to black and then to white. Then just nothing.

……………………………………………

"Come on, Kells, get up," Mac knelt by her.

"How many times has this happened?" Lawson asked.

"A few."

"I blame you, Mac," she leaned back on her elbows. "Wait, what are you doing here?"

"Him? Your boss? At a crime scene? Oh, the possibilities are endless, Higgins."

"Mac, like why are you here?"

"Like it's a crime scene, Kelly," Lawson couldn't help but mock her on this one.

"Are you okay?" Mac asked, concerned on her apparent memory loss. She ignored his questions.

"I don't know whether to hug or slap you."

"Preferably neither, Kelly," he waited for her to get up. "I'm confused."

"How can you be confused? You fired me what? Like three hours ago?"

"Oh, this is going to be good," the homicide detective mumbled under his breath.

"What do you mean? I didn't fire you."

"Wait, what do you mean?" Her glower lowered to a quirk of her eyebrow.

"Outside," they seemed to say at once. Now, not to cause confusion, Kelly was still extremely angry at Mac who she was absolutely sure fired her not more than three hours ago. Mac was a bit confused. She had after all been unconscious for about ten minutes, but she wasn't one to completely confuse what was around her with nonsense.

"Oh, come on," Lawson mumbled as if it was some unjust action happening.

………………………………………………….

"You first."

"How could you not remember?!" Kelly demanded. "You, Mac Taylor. You insensitive jerk." He looked quite amused at this point.

"Insensitive jerk?" he chuckled. "Wow, for someone as smart as you, I would think you could come up with something better than insensitive jerk."

"You know what I mean."

"No, I don't. You can't just go and accuse me of something when I have no idea what I've done," he frowned.

"You fired me! How do you not know that!"

"No, you still work for me. Though not for long at this rate." He watched her look down at the ground then back at him. "You don't look fired to me. You still have your badge on your waistband like always. You still have your gun in your holster like always. You're still wearing those tennis shoes like always. Go home. You hit your head. Rest. Come back when you feel better."

"I feel fine."

"Go home, Higgins."

…………………………………………………..

He closed the door gently as he read the note on one of those doodle pads for the toddlers. When she had moved in with him, it was the one thing she had made sure remained. Got sent home. Made some food. Shh… I'm having some TV therapy. He smiled.

"Kells," he called out.

"What's the point of the note?" she mumbled, getting up. "What's up, Doc?"

"How long have you been wanting to say that?" Hawkes laughed. "So how's therapy?"

"It's good. Found BBC America. Some show on called Doctor Who."

"What's it about?"

"Time lord. He's called the Doctor. Basically he travels through time and solves problems," she explained. How perfect. I wonder what happened to me.

"Sounds strange."

"You mean illogical. I hate logic sometimes."

"How so?"

"Like it would be logical for me to wait as long as possible to marry you because that's who I am, but I'm thinking that's not a great plan. Why not go down to the court and not make a huge deal of it?"

"How hard did you get hit?"

"Funny, but why not? I mean we want to spend forever together so why not start forever a little sooner." She was being honest. Almost like she had forgotten what had happened in their future.

"Okay," he told her slowly, not sure if she was serious or not. "So you made food?"

"Okay, a couple sandwiches," she admitted. "No feast, but sandwiches are still food." She handed him a sandwich and took her spot back on the couch. He joined her.

"So you got all this from Doctor Who?"

"No, the show made me feel better. I've just been thinking for a while."

………………………………………………….

"Whoa, look who's back from the dead," Danny laughed.

"Funny, Messer, just hilarious."

"So why'd you get sent home? Mac said it was because you weren't thinkin' straight."

"Well, he didn't believe me when I said that I was desperately in love with him," Kelly rolled her eyes. "Because that would make total sense."

"You're too cynical."

"It's an outer shell."

"I think you should just admit that you are a big softy, that this whole cynical thing is just an act so that you can seem wounded and mysterious and sexy."

"Wait just one minute! What was that last one?" she had a huge grin on her face.

"Hmm?"

"Did you just say sexy?"

"What? No."

"You think I'm sexy."

"No."

"It's okay if you do. Don't know what Lindsay will think of that."

"Funny."

"And now we're back to the beginning so let's start over. Good morning, Danny."

"Mornin'. So why'd you get sent home from the scene?"

"Haven't we been over this?"

"So you weren't thinking clearly?"

"I probably suffered a concussion."

"Shouldn't you still be at home?"

"Shouldn't you be working?"

"Touché."

…………………………………………………………

"Shouldn't you be at home, Kells?" Flack wondered.

"Shouldn't you be in, I don't know, the bureau? Doing like homicide detective stuff?"

"Mac's in his office."

"How'd you know-"

"That you'd be looking for him? Come on, what else would you be doing? Oh, and Sullivan's tonight."

"Can't. Oh, I want you to be a witness next week."

"For what?"

"When I kill someone," she rolled her eyes. "Hawkes and I are going to the court instead of something fancy."

"And you want me to be a witness?"

"Well, yeah."

"Kells, I'm touched."

"Well, see ya. I need to talk to Mac."

"Sure, 'talk'."

"That just gets funnier and funnier every time you say it."

……………………………………………………….

"Shouldn't you be home?"

"This is like the least fun joke ever."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, and I'd like to get working on this case."

"Fine."

"Mac, I know that I am. You don't have to say that every time I come in," she paused for a moment, then continued after he gave her a look. "I'll go see what Adam's doing."

"Don't you think he deserves a day off?"

"I get what you're saying."

"Good, then I won't have to repeat myself."

"Aye, aye, Captain," she winked as she saluted. Maybe this redo thing was not as bad as she once thought. Maybe it will be like it never happened.

A/N: Please review. I completely changed my story arc so I might need some requests to get the muse going again ;) Have a great day! Merry Christmas!