Part 3: Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho, To Camp We Go!

Chapter 20: Skip or I Spy With My Little Eye

I chucked a few more clothes into my bag. Geez, who knew that camp could be so tiring? Safety rules, emergency stuff, more rules, the dangers of the wild, even more rules and a long list of stuff to take.

It's a different sort of camping style, one where the whole school goes. But we'd managed to land ourselves in a high school where there are even more less people than there were in Forks High. So we'd be going together. Frankly, we wouldn't be going, not until Alice assured us that it was going to be cloudy for most of the time, because of all the mist in the mountains.

There was a knock on my door and Edward came in. "Emmett, have you seen my toothbrush?" he demanded.

I glare at him. "Who'd want your toothbrush, Ed? It stinks."

"Of you, Emmett."

"Nonsense, Ed. I haven't even used it, not to mention touched it. What does it look like, with pictures of Bella all over it?"

"Take that back, Emmett..." the two of us were instantly on top of each other.

"Hey!" came Alice's voice from the doorway, "What's all that?"

I pinned Edward on the ground. "Give up?"

"NO!" Bella tried to pull me off Edward, but hey, she's not a newborn anymore, and the best she can manage is to irritate me even more. Alice tries to help, but what is a little pixie against super Emmett?

And Carlisle comes in.

---

"Toothbrush and towel."

All of us sat in the living room, glowering at each other with all our belongings while Jasper reads out the required stuff. I peek into my bag. Good, I have both of them. Edward glares at me.

"I don't have it. Emmett stole mine."

"Did not," I insisted. What a liar.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire."

"Shut it!" Rosalie yells. We return to our normal positions.

"Okay, um, Edward, you're gonna have to share."

"What?!?"

"It's nothing, really, in the war, we had to share them all the time."

"For crying out loud, Jasper, we aren't in the war!" Edward puffs himself up for those huge speeches when he wants to rant on at Jasper.

"Never mind, just try to get one," Jasper says hastily, taking the hint, "Pyjamas and a plastic bag for dirty clothes."

"Bella took the last one," Alice complained.

"I did not. See, I don't have one."

"Well...okay, remember to get a plastic bag later. A huge teddy or anything that helps you sleep better at night," Jasper made a face. "What sort of compulsory item is that?"

"None of us have any, Jazz. Are there anymore things?"

"A blanket for warmth..."

"Skip."

"Sweets to eat on the way..."

"Skip."

"A book to keep you occupied..."

"Skip."

"A phone to call home..."

"Skip."

"Medicine and---"

"Skip!" Rosalie throws up her arms, "These are human items, Jasper! We don't eat sweets, need to be warm, be occupied, call home because there's nothing to call about and we don't get hurt that easily!"

"Well, then, that's all."

I start to drag my bag loudly back upstairs. Actually, it's no big deal, but I was doing it just to ruin Edward and Bella's kiss. They throw me dirty looks.

"Shut it, Emmett."

I ignore them and begin singing: "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with E."

"Useless (Ewwws-less) Emmett," Bella growls.

"Useless doesn't start with E," I taunt her.

"Yes, it does."

"No, it doesn't. Even if it does, that's not the answer."

"Egg."

"I can't see an egg, Bella, and there shouldn't be one here either."

"Elephant," suggests Alice.

"There isn't an elephant, Alice."

"Idiot? (Eee-diot)" Rosalie smirks.

"Again, that doesn't start with E."

"I think I know what this is about," Jasper mutters suddenly.

"You've got an answer, Jasper? Share it."

"Is it EVERYTHING?"

Chapter 21: Mrs. Cheesy Sings A Song

"I thought that pets weren't allowed?" I mumbled to Jasper.

"I thought that pets weren't allowed?"

"Teachers have exceptions, Em."

"Teachers have exceptions, Em."

"But this one is way over the boundaries, Jasper."

"But this one is way over the boundaries, Jasper."

"So what? You have to admit that it's cute."

"So what? You have to admit that it's cute."

"Cute? Cute is the last word I'd use to describe that dratted bird!"

"Cute? Cute is the last word I'd use to describe that dratted bird!"

I cursed the stupid thing that was perched on my shoulder. "D**g it!"

Uh oh. I shouldn't have said that.

"D**g it!"

---

Okay, I know it's stupid to bring pets. But a PARROT?!!?

---

Mr. Bean, the principal, glowered at us all.

"Which one of you just swore?"

We all look at him innocently. ""Swore, sir?" Man. by the way Jasper put it, it was as though swearing was a crime and that we'd never do such a thing. The principal takes the bait and hops off angrily.

In case you are behind the times, we're now on the bus going to camp. The six of us had bundled into the backseat of the bus, so we were sitting together, as always.

But apart from us, there was also the parrot, Mrs. Cheesy.

Mrs. Cheesy was the Mr. Bean's pet. How he brought it to school, no on knew, but one thing was for certain: it was one hell of a pet.

It repeated everything everyone said.

It repeated everything we said.

But above all...

It repeated everything I said.

I glare at it. "Shut up," I mutter.

"Shut up."

How can something so small be so annoying? What's more, it repeats things that shouldn't be repeated many times.

"D**g it! Shut up! D**g it! Shut up! D**g it! Shut up! D**g it! Shut up!"

---

"I swear that bird has more brains than you, Emmett," Bella teases.

I'm trying to control my temper. Basically, it's sort of like not imagining to open the dumb bird up and drinking it dry. But I definitely WILL within these 5 days we are at camp.

"All right, then, let's play a game!" Alice suggests, "How about---"

"Strangle Mrs. Cheesy?" I mutter darkly. Luckily, Mrs. Cheesy is at the front with Mr. Bean, so she can't repeat anything we're saying right now.

Edward smirks. "Let's all do that at camp."

"Woo! I like the idea!" Rosalie's definitely enthusiastic.

The bird flies back and all of us shut up. The bird starts singing the national anthem. We cover our ears, it's so awful. Then it suddenly starts to sing something totally different.

Em's a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world
Life in plastic, he's fantastic!
You can brush his hair, undress him everywhere
Imagination, life is your creation

"What the---" I start to say. Bella laughs.

"When did birds start to make songs?" Alice wonders out aloud. Then it switches songs and hops in front of a bewildered Jasper.

Chill pill, whatcha yellin for,
Lay back, though Emmett likes to snore
And Alice, if you could only
Let it be, you will see...
The future, isn't set in stone...

"Why you little---" Rosalie starts to say.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way...

I try to grab it with human speed, but instead, I trip and fall onto Jasper...

Rosalie fell in love with a goat and Emmett drowned in his-boat! Jingle bells...

Everyone on the bus are laughing their heads off. That's when I realize that Edward is writing out lines for it.

"EDWARD!!!"

---

該死的愛德華...(D**n that stupid Edward)

I read the message that Rosalie just gave me. Chinese again? I passed it on to Jasper, who read it briefly and gave it back to me.

可是你沒有辦法現在把他璀毀 (but you can't destroy him right now) Rosalie wrote.

我正在希望我能夠 (I wish I could)

今天晚上,如何? (How about tonight?)

小心一點,這次他有貝拉和他一起打 (Be careful, he has Bella with him this time)

貝拉?管她的... (Bella? She's no match for me)

如果愛德華繼續編歌,我會宰了她. (If Edward continues to write songs, I will murder him.)

Jasper sighs. "Keep me out of the fight---I'm not going to do anything this time. Fight Edward yourself, Rosalie."

Alice seemed to find the songs amusing, though. "I know those songs!" she says enthusiastically.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Edward, stop it, everyone is laughing."

Edward only continues. And the bird continues to sing.

Emmett has been raised from his watery grave,
Do you hear his plead for help?
A call to all, pay heed his squawk,
Turn your thumbs downward...

I seethe at the bird. It was definitely gonna die tonight.

Chapter 22: My Dearest Roommates

Dang it.

That was the first thing I thought as I looked around the tiny cabin I was supposed to be sleeping in with two other guys. When I actually saw the other two, I uttered an even more disgusting swear word.

Was that even a guy? It/he/that looked liked it had just escaped from a freak show. It/he/that had long eyelashes which it/he/what frequently batted at me, a high girlish voice just like Alice, only not as nice and a disgusting smile. It/he/that's bag was a pink one, only with no Barbie for a nice change and almost everything it/he/that wore was pink.

The second one was no better. It/he/that was big, ugly and mean-looking. It/he/that was enormous! It/he/that's belly was so huge, it filled the cramped space inside the cabin, and It/he/that's arms swung like a gorilla's. I gave a shudder as I saw it sit on a weak-looking bunk (which sank and groaned under him) and pull out a bag of chips and started munching on them.

"Ei," he said with his mouth full. If I hadn't been a vampire, I doubt I'd be able to understand a word, "Mey nem's ***" it was something I didn't understand, "'ut 'ost 'eepole 'all ee 'ig. 'F ya 'all ee 'ig, aye'll 'it you."
AN translation: Hi, my name's *** but most people call me pig. If you call me pig, I will hit you.
"Err, nice to meet you," I said, ducking the chips as he was speaking. Pig was a good name; he looked like a pig, he smelt like a pig, he even ate like a pig.

"I'm Tony," squeaks the other. Wow, he even has a girl's name, although Tony can be a boy's name sometimes. "I'm very, very attractive!" He bats his eyelashes again. I look past him and to his belongings: I swear I saw lipstick and a mirror.

"You are a FREAK!!!" yells Pig.

"And you are a PIG!!!" yells Tony.

"One rule, man," Pig pushes his face up to mine, "I'm the boss around here, so don't you dare argue with me! I've won prizes in wrestling!"

Huh, like I didn't know that one. If he saw Jasper and my wrestling matches, he'd freak out.

"Wrestling? Sumo wrestling, more likely," shrieks Tony. His voice pierces my eardrums.

"HOW DARE YOU!!!" Pig takes off after Tony. I take it that they know each other.

"And you must be Emmett Cullen," Tony says, after they've calmed down, "I see that you have got muscle. Help me to beat up this big fat freak for me, please."

"You are a GIRL!!!"

Yuck. How was I ever gonna survive?

Chapter 23: I Dare You To Eat, Emmett

I'd have to say, it was the lunch bell that saved Pig before I lost it and challenged him to his last wrestling match.

Pig was instantly alert. Faster than a blink of an eye, he was gone from the room.

Tony was a little better. However, he let out an earsplitting scream and shrieked: "Lunch!" and was, too, gone.

When I reached the lunch room, I suddenly realized something important.

Lunch = human food.

"Eat up! Eat up!" Mr. Bean was yelling, "Eat up and don't leave anything behind! Eat up..."

"Eat up! Eat up! Eat up and don't leave anything behind! Eat up..."

That stupid parrot. I went over to where the others were sitting. It was not a good sight. Well, no vampire is a good sight when they have pitch black eyes.

Bella was alright. Of course she was; she was afraid of the stuff. Edward was not breathing and stared at his sandwich like he wanted to kill it. Rosalie had her nail polish out and was painting one side of the ridiculous, fancy plate in front of her. Alice had her eyes closed while Jasper...well, he was suffering. A girl walked past and tossed back her long brown hair. He had his eyes fixed on her. Edward kicked him from under the table.

"Put your eyes on your food, Jasper."

"I do have my eyes on my food, Ed." but he looked away anyway to stare out of the boring window.

I picked up a sandwich. "What do you think would happen if we ate all of this?" I ask them, "We can't escape Mr. Bean."

"We'll just have to try." Edward was still not breathing. Bella put her arm on him and winked at me.

"Emmett, I dare you to eat human food."

"No way, Bella." Rosalie was instantly alert, "we promised not to play this sort of truth and dare again, remember? The sort that will most likely reveal who we are, especially after Jasper nearly went crazy in that first anger management class Emmett dared him to go to."

"Oh." Bella looked sideways at Alice. "Do you have a plan?"

"No," said Alice.

It was just then that Pig lumbered over. "Leftovers!" I shouted in his stupid face.

He took the hint.

---

The horse just wouldn't budge, it was terrified. I rolled my eyes impatiently.

"Move."

"Move! Move! Move!" Mrs. Cheesy squawked. I tried not to think about...it.

The horse riding master had told us that unless you 'ate horse flesh or was unkind to them,' they would normally be quite nice. So what was the problem with this one?

It wasn't the horse's problem, it was my.

If Jasper had been here, he would've been able to calm the horse down. In addition, he rode horses all the time in the war. But no, Jasper was right across the camp, doing an orienteering course with Edward.

Edward! I screamed mentally, Get Jasper to help me calm this horse!

Then the horse starting screaming and kicking, trying to buck me off.

Chapter 24: Emmett Gets Back

"Noooooo!" I almost screamed. Well, it would have been like Tony. But this is definitely NOT a laughing matter.

The horse continued to try and buck me off. Was it a bull? I try to keep my thoughts gathered. Most likely Edward couldn't hear them anyway, we might be too far.

The horse master's shouting out instructions, but I can barely hear anything over the screams of the girls. No one can get near us at this distance.

"Hang on! Don't let go!" the horse master's shouting. Duh, if there weren't so many people around, I would let go. It wouldn't hurt me, but it would hurt a human.

Just as I think that I am doomed, I see Edward and Jasper passing through, on their way back to the cabins. Jasper had doubled over, clutching at his stomach, his face twisted in pain as Edward supported him, followed by the camp doctor. But the horse suddenly calms down all of a sudden. Without further encouragement, I jump off.

"Emmett!" Rosalie is instantly at my side, "Are you hurt?" But in my ear, she hisses: "What were you thinking of? You know that no animal will come near us."

I don't answer as I see Jasper flash an annoyed, not-sick-at-all look at me, and know that Edward must've heard me. Edward grins and sticks his tongue out at me and I know instantly that I'm in trouble.

---

"What were you THINKING!?!"

Rosalie's voice is tremendous as it bounces all around the forest. Facing me are the others, fury, disapproval and laughter on their faces.

Edward flicks a bug casually off and grins. "Emmett, I know that you were about to scream. Frankly, I should've told Jasper to leave you on the horse for a couple more seconds."

Jasper scowls. "I had to pretend that I was ill to get anywhere near you!" he complains, "now, everyone thinks that I am afraid of heights!"

"Heights?" I echo.

"Cliff climbing, Emmett." Bella smirks.

"That's not the point," Rosalie is furious, "You know that animals don't like us, Emmett, why couldn't you just make up some sort of excuse and leave? Don't do that EVER again."

"I wasn't thinking," I mumble. But the real reason was because Pig had said that I was too much of a coward to climb onto the horse's back. Edward laughs. Sigh, if he knew what I was thinking, everyone would know.

Jasper and Alice take off to hunt. The rest of us goes back into our cabins, having hunted earlier.

As soon as I step into the cabin, a terrifying stench hits me. I realize that it's Tony, snoring. Boy, his morning breath was strong. I stopped breathing and slipped into bed, trying to distract my thoughts from the terrible events of the day.

Munch. Munch. Crunch. Munch.

My eyes snap open and I see Pig come into the room, still eating. Does he never stop?

---

"Dude!" Pig yelled into my face. I cringe at the smell of his breath, "What's the first rule in this cabin? You MUST listen to everything I say!"

His anger is really impressive. I laugh out aloud mentally inside, though; in a few minutes, he wouldn't be laughing...

There's a knock on the door. Tony opens it.

"Hi," says Jasper, smiling at Tony. Wow, that girl-freak has fallen for him!

"And what do YOU want?" demanded Pig, eyeing Jasper with distaste. Jasper gives him a reassuring grin.

"Oh, I just wanted to do my morning arm wrestle with my adopted brother."

"Arm wrestling?" goggles Pig. Then he snaps back.

"You're brother isn't very cooperative."

I curse under my breath. But Jasper is unabashed.

"In what way?"

"He does not follow the cabin rules."

"Which are...?"

"Listening to me at ALL times!!!"

"If I am correct, friend, Emmett does listen to everything you say, except that he doesn't do them."

I gape at Jasper. Now, why didn't I think of that before? Pig looks furious.

"Are you ready, Emmett?"

"Sure." I get down on the ground.

It's a really short and playful fight, because we're not really fighting, but it scared the hell out of both Pig and Tony. When we finish, Jasper leaves, flashing me thumbs up as he sees Pig back away. I grin at him.

"You wanna try?"

He looks horrified.

"Keep your distance, Cullen."

Chapter 25: Over the Waterfall and Far Away

I grin to myself. Today had been rather successful:

1. Pig was now so terrified of me, he wouldn't come near me at all.

2. We were hiking today, which was saying that my 'siblings' and I had the advantage of running ahead of everyone else without sweating. I even got out my camera to take a photo of Pig sweating like a waterfall, lagging behind of everyone.

Bella was whooping, her arms stretched out in front of the huge waterfall. "Hey! I am the QUEEN of this land!"

Edward caught her and kissed her. Not that anyone would see--the thing was, the humans were all too slow. They had let us split up into groups so that the six of us were together and first to the waterfall.

Rosalie and Alice began having a contest to see who could toss rocks furthest over the edge. Jasper just watched the waterfall---with his eyes closed.

"Aha! I win!" Rosalie's triumphant voice reached us. Alice appeared, looking furious.

"Where are the humans?" Edward asked wearily, "we've been waiting for them for like, ages!"

"They're just too slow, Ed," Alice said. She began throwing rocks over the edge of the cliff into the water. Then suddenly, a splat of mud landed in my hair.

"Hey!" I shouted wildly, turning to see a smiling wickedly Edward and Bella.

"Ew, Emmett," Rosalie wrinkles up her nose.

"Emmett is a mud-man, Emmett is a mud-man..."

I recognize Mrs. Cheese's voice. Now's definitely the time to strangle that dratted parrot.

I lunged for it, but it flies away, singing: "Emmett has been raised from his watery grave..."

As I land, I trip on a rock and fall right onto Jasper, who's standing right beside Edward, who's holding hands with Bella, who' shaking hands with Rosalie, who's standing right beside the edge of the waterfall.

Uh-oh.

As the five of us falls, Alice tries to grab Rosalie's hand, but instead, Mrs. Cheesy comes and starts flapping in her face, causing her to fall in surprise.

"Do you hear his cry for help? A call to all, pay heed his squawk..."

We all fall. Dang that stupid Parrot.

Chapter 26: Emmett Takes A Cold Shower

Edward was the first out of the freezing water. He shook his lovely, gorgeous, bronze-coloured hair at me as soon as I was out.

"My lovely, gorgeous, bronze-coloured hair!" he manages to wheez.

"You little..." Alice seethed at me.

"Little? That's a bit much, coming from you," I hiss at her.

"You've just ruined my nail polish!" Rosalie wailed.

Jasper just glared at me.

Then we hear a noise behind us. "Hello, kids!" Mr. Bean shouts, "Oh, so you've been waiting for us here all along! I knew that you couldn't make it up the waterfall! And why are you all wet?" he looks at the waterfall, "Hey, didn't I just say no swimming?"

---

"I'm going first!" Tony shouts.

"No way, freak, I am." Pig is firm.

I sit back and try not to take any notice of those two people---wait, no, freaks bickering. They were fighting over who should get to take a shower first.

I think about wringing Pig and Mrs. Cheesey's necks.

F**king bastards, I'll kill the next person who...

"Your turn!"

Pig comes out of the bathroom. I walk in sullenly and turn the hot water on.

Nothing.

Huh? I quickly rearrange my thoughts. Dang it. I should have guessed---sharing a room with a girl and a pig was bound to leave me with no hot water. Girls took forever while pigs...had a larger area to wash.

I quickly strip and put a hand under the water. It's freezing--even for a vampire. I swore I saw ice cubes in there.

Slowly, but very slowly, I tip it onto my back. There was no shower---only a bathtub with a basin for pouring water onto the body.

Yikes! I almost yelled. The water was a thousand needles pricking into my back. I shiver and try to calm down. Then I try again.

It was even worse than the first time. The water attacked me like anything. The pain was incredible. I grit my teeth. I start on my hair, wincing as the cold pricks into my skull.

Vampires have patience. Vampires are strong. Vampires are supposed to stand the cold.

So I told myself. I think of what the others would say if they knew that I chickened out on a cold shower.

Edward: ha, ha!

Bella: I dare you to do it again!

Rosalie: aww, I thought that you were tough!

Alice: I knew it, except I didn't want to tell you!

Jasper: people do that in the army all the time, Emmett. Only our baths took three minutes from the moment you strip.

Hey, I'm Big E! I'm tough!

Did I say that?

Chapter 27: The Cullens ALL Want Revenge

...snore...snore...snore...

I try to ignore the terrific snoring coming from the two sides of me.

...snore...snore...gulp...snore.... Teeth Grinding, drool doing, sleep talking...

I am SO ready to rip these two apart. Scowling to myself in the dark, I think back on the shower.

Tony had split his sides when I arrived out of the bathroom, icicles forming from under my nose.

Pig had hee hawed like a donkey and fell over, clutching his sides. There was an earthquake.

I decide to get back on these two dirty little...

---

The cockroach squirms in my hand wildly. No matter---the crazier it was, the better. I drop it into the bucket full of creepy crawlies and grin to myself. In less than two minutes, I had a bucket full of them. Them, as in worms, cockroaches, flies, butterflies, moths, spiders, fleas, ants, red ants and about a million others.

I throw back my head and laugh out loud. Who cares---I'm in the forest, who's to hear me?

Except---

"Emmett's gone wonky," Bella giggles, "talking and laughing to himself."

"What's it with the bugs, man?" Edward says, chuckling, "or are you somehow addicted?" both of them laugh.

"What are YOU doing?" I demand.

"No fire, please." The both of them are still chuckling.

Bella stepped forward. "I thought you needed my help."

I glared at Edward. "You read my thoughts!"

Then the other four come over. "Hey, Emmett, don't be angry. We want to have some fun, too!"

"As in...?" I question. Bella holds up two sleeping pills. Rosalie takes out makeup and Alice...well, Alice was incredible. A sexy low-cut top, a miniskirt, a bikini...

I start to grin to myself. "And, of course, Edward will be able to tell us what they're thinking while Jasper will create the atmosphere," Rosalie said happily.

My family. Of course, when it came to this sort of stuff, we were unbeatable!

---

"Mmp?" Pig says.

"Hurry, guys, we're late!" I shout, chucking pillows in their faces. Or what looks like their faces. The truth was, the sleeping pills only worked this far. The rest of the camp was under the impression that I was the only one awake and that Pig and Tony were late.

Pig struggles out of bed and lumbers to the door. Tony starts to go to the bathroom. I quickly grab his wrist.

"No makeup today, let's go, Go, GO!!!"

They stumble out of the cabin and go to the dining room. The entire room erupts with laughter.

Pig starts to scream, accompanied by Tony. I slip out of sight.

The sight of Pig and Tony in miniskirts and sexy low-cut tops, lipstick, mascara, face powder is just priceless. They try to run back into the cabin, but Alice's high heel's slow and trip them up, causing everyone to see their pink panties as they fall. Then, the both of them scream again as a dozen creepy crawlies come crawling over them. I can feel Jasper creating the embarrassed feeling for the both of them and in the background, Edward as music playing a 'nay nay nay nay nay nay,' song. The two of them quickly realize what must have happened.

"Cullen!!!"

The End.

Acknowledgements:

Stephenie Meyer, who provided all these wonderful characters for me to play with. Still, Twilight is not mine.

The changed songs were:

Em's a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world was a changed version of I'm a Barbie Girl by Aqua

Chill pill, whatcha yellin for was changed from Complicated by Avril Lavigne

Rosalie fell in love with a goat and Emmett drowned in his-boat! was a changed version of Jingle bells, a Christmas Carol

Emmett has been raised from his watery grave was changed from Hoist the Colours from The Pirates of the Caribbean 3 by Hans Zimmer

And you, my dear readers, for supporting me the whole time.

If you reviewed, and corrected me on my mistakes, thank you.

There will be no sequel to this. Thanks for reading.

PS:

If you have not done so already, this is the last time I will ask you to do this:

I beg you. I plead you. I'll give you Emmett!

Please REVIEW!!!