Wasted years

Disclaimer : I own nothing. Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I only dream of owning Jasper. The title is a song by Cold.

Summary : Jasper thinks back on his past. Short, one-shot.

Warning(s) : Jasper-centered Angst.

Reviews are loved~ 3

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with." ~Harry Crews

I wished.

My head rose from my book and I scowled at nothing in particular from where I sat in my favorite chair in my room, overlooking the meadow by our house. I fingered the corner of the quotations book laying half-forgotten in my lap before suddenly tossing it across the room, the pages ripping out of its spine as it flew and hit the far wall with a satisfying thunk.

Scars were not kind reminders of the past, nor were they beautiful, nor did they mean the wounds were closed and healed. Not for me. They never would be for me. They were indeed reminders, and far from kind, of the monster I had been. The monster I could become again, if I failed to control myself at all times.

I looked down at my arm resting on my chair, and sighed as I rolled the sleeve up at my elbow. Every pale, jagged, crescent shaped scars stared back at me in the faint moonlight, as if to mock me. My scowl deepened. No. I was still that same monster. There simply was too much blood on my hands for me to be forgiven.

They were reminders, as well as warnings. I felt an urge to laugh, and not in a sane way. I didn't need those unkind warnings to know how fucked up I was. I tore my gaze away from my pale skin, instead looking out the window once more.

It was one of those nights where I wished that Maria had not been so careful, so many many years ago, when she changed me. I wished she would've thrown all caution and care out the window, and drank my blood until I was dry and dead, like I should have been.

One can only be so lucky, and Lady luck was not at my side on that fateful night.

Instead, I had indeed been changed into something that countless books and movies depict as mere myth. Something that should not exist. And thus, I became a monster, feeding on human blood, laying waste to countless lives throughout the following decades.

I closed my eyes, the thirst becoming blistering hot in the back of my throat, bringing me back to the present, as I caught the scent of Edward's girlfriend downstairs. I had to will myself to stop breathing and make myself think of unimportant things, less I run downstairs and rip her delicate throat open. I chuckled. I doubted my brother would appreciate me making a feast out of his girlfriend.

Tucking a lock of my hair behind my ear, I rose from my chair and walked to the other side of the room to pick up the broken book on the floor. Nor would be appreciate me destroying his belongings. Frowning, I put the pages back together and set the book aside on a shelf with a quick mental note to repair it later.

The door opened at that moment, bringing another wave of Bella's scent into my room, my sanctuary, and I had to close my eyes and hold my breath once more. Quickly, I reached for the door and slammed it shut. I felt a small hand touch my arm, and I stiffened, more out of habit than actual fear.

"Jazz, love?"

I opened my eyes slowly, and found myself looking down into the eyes of my favorite pixie. A small smile appeared on my lips. I couldn't help but smile whenever I saw her, no matter if I was angry at her, or disappointed. Not that I could ever be angry at Alice for very long in the first place.

She smiled back, and touched my cheek gently. I sighed and leaned into the touch, closing my eyes once more, as her other arm reached around my and rubbed soothing circles on my lower back. Only she could calm the monster within me. I opened my eyes again as her touch suddenly disappeared.

Turning around, I saw her by the window I was gazing through earlier. She grinned at me in her mischievous way as she opened it wide, and beckoned me with a wave. I obeyed without a second thought, and together we jumped out, landing gracefully on our feet before taking off running at inhuman speed through the forest.

Her delighted laugh echoed through the trees as I ran by her side, and I couldn't help but grin. A monster I was, but the more I thought of it, I realized, a lucky one.

I had someone who loved me as I was.

Scarred, imperfect and broken.

It was more than I had ever hoped to have.