Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I responsible for, the creation of any characters in this story or the Gossip Girl series.

Just. Keep. Breathing. Blair Waldorf stared icily at her own reflection, willing herself to calm down. Aside from looking very, very pale, the reflection that greeted her was reassuringly familiar. She was satisfied that she had successfully managed to mask the relentless turmoil inside with a cold, unreadable exterior. She inspected her face for any visible puffiness, and decided to brush her teeth one more time, just to be sure.

The past 48 hours had been a tremendous blur. Even Blair was surprised that she had managed to remain composed throughout Bart Bass's funeral, Chuck's dramatic exit, and her mother's spur of the moment wedding. It had been an emotional rollercoaster, which, for a fleeting second, she hoped had a happy ending. But then she woke up to find Chuck gone, this time maybe for good. If it weren't for the note, she could scarcely be sure she hadn't dreamt the whole thing.

She had stayed awake the rest of the night; completely numb. She could hardly breathe, just sitting, rigidly, on the corner of the bed in her rumpled gown, the note clenched in her fist. Finally, sometime around 5 am, she had crept out to the kitchen, and dismantled what was left of her mother's wedding cake. When she finished that, she moved on to whatever else she could find; chips, crackers, cookies, and a box of expensive chocolate her father had sent her. She'd scarcely crammed the last handful into her mouth than she had run to the bathroom; releasing the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl and praying that her mother wouldn't here over the sound of the running water.

She was feeling light-headed, and so steadied herself, slowly counting to ten. Blair was well-practiced in this kind of behavior. Even when she had her… "habit" under control, she was never one for emotional outbursts. She was an ice queen; cold, calculating, concealed. Certainly not like Serena, who often wore her heart on her sleeve.

But then again, she wasn't like Chuck either. "I suppose that's because I still have a heart…even if it's well guarded." She thought to herself bitterly. She could never be that cruel to someone she loved, unlike him. She could never stand there heartlessly, empty and contemptuous, while someone she loved poured out his soul. But no matter how much he hurt her, she refused to let it show, also unlike him, who lashed out at everyone around.

She finished brushing her teeth, and carefully gave herself one last, long look in the mirror. Certainly not acceptable for an event like the Snowflake Ball, but it should do to get through breakfast without any questions. Damn. The Snowflake Ball made her think of him, and for the moment, she had to stop doing that. The last thing she needed was Eleanor and Cyrus breathing down her back.

Blair walked carefully into the dining room, only to find Cyrus lovingly spoon feeding her mother a raspberry Danish. Even this early morning PDA could scarcely bring Blair back to reality, and though she didn't even feel like acknowledging them, she did give her signature "ugh", so as not to arouse their suspicions. "Well, good morning to you too." Cyrus greeted good-naturedly. To Blair's disgust, he seemed to be even more cheerful than usual.

"Blair," Eleanor scolded, fixing a sharp eye on her daughter, "Aren't you going to say a proper good morning to your stepfather?"

"I like the sound of that Mrs. Waldorf-Rose." Cyrus said with special emphasis, leaning over to kiss his new wife. The two minutes of giggling and flirtation that followed saved Blair from having to answer. Instead, she nibbled uncomfortably on a slice of orange, and fixated her gaze on a blank space of wall above their heads. Deep down, in spite of all her protests, Blair was happy that her mother had found love; even if it came in a short, bald, emotional package. Yet today, in the wake of her broken heart, Bair found their open displays of love even more stifling than ever.

"It feels a little stuffy in here," She burst out, standing up suddenly and startling her mother and Cyrus from their reverie. "I think I'll go for a walk and get some fresh air".

Ignoring her mother's protest of "But you haven't eaten anything!" Blair breezed past Darota, grabbed her coat, and was out the door without a second glance. Not as composed as she would have hoped, but all things considered she was holding herself together rather well.

It was a gray and moody New York day, with the decisive possibility of snow lingering in the wind's icy chill. Blair jammed her hands in the pockets of her coat, hunched her shoulders, and walked briskly in the direction of Central Park. Despite the cold weather, New York was alive and bustling, seeming even livelier than usual with the impending spirit of Christmas. Blair felt like a fish swimming upstream as she passed throngs of holiday shoppers, laughing and laden with parcels.

As she entered the park she saw bundled families with small children running and playing, their noses red from the cold. And, as always with the curse of unrequited love, she saw couples everywhere. There seemed to be swarms of them; strolling hand in hand, flirting, cuddling on park benches, sipping hot cocoa, and making out under every tree. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, addressing all of them, "Don't you people know this will never work out? Why bother? You're only going to be miserable in the end!"

But instead she slumped on a bench, watching them pass with a mixture of sadness and disgust. In reality, she had never felt so alone in her life. Her mother and Cyrus were too overcome by romance to even notice her. Not that this was really anything new, her mother had always been too busy to pay her much attention. Her father was thousands of miles away in France, and Serena was gallivanting around Buenos Aires with Aaron.

Oh to be Serena, she thought bitterly; constantly pursued and desired, not only by Aaron, but Dan as well. She sincerely doubted Serena's amorous intentions had ever been met with a callous, "well that's too bad".

For a fleeting second, she though about calling the girls in her posse, but was certain she wouldn't be able to stomach their insincerity. She knew if she uttered a word about what happened with Chuck they would put on a tremendous show of comforting her, telling her how wrong he was and how he didn't deserve her. But as soon as she turned her back they would be snickering and gossiping maliciously (Really, what was she thinking by actually falling for Chuck Bass? What did she think would happen? Who would have thought Blair Waldorf would become such a slut?).

She sat, numb with cold, continuing to wallow in self pity. What had she done to deserve this? As was common with all people in her predicament, she imagined herself completely alone in her pain. No one else could possibly understand what it felt like to be this alone. No one except for perhaps Chuck Bass himself.

This thought made Blair feel both extreme pity and rage. She hated the thought of him out there by himself, spinning out of control far away from everyone who cared about him. But she was also furious at him for pushing her away. He had chosen to be alone. She hadn't.

From somewhere inside of her came a nagging memory of a conversation she'd had with Chuck the past summer, which now seemed vague and far away. In her best effort to make Chuck jealous, she had used Markus for her own benefit, and ended up unintentionally hurting him in the process. When confronted, she had lashed out at Chuck, blaming him for the entire situation. "I didn't make you use him Blair", He had argued coolly. Looking at her with smoldering eyes he'd added, "We are the same".

Though she had abruptly pushed this statement to the back of her memory it still routinely returned to haunt her. And she couldn't help thinking that perhaps it wouldn't bother her so much if it weren't at least partially true. But Blair Waldorf the same as Chuck Bass?

If pressed, she supposed she could indeed admit that she sometimes used people to further her own agenda, and this sometimes got her in trouble. But she also had to admit that despite her best efforts to suppress it, she did have a small twinge of conscience beneath her scheming exterior. After an internal struggle it had often appeared to reverse the damage she had done; like when she had tried to sabotage her father's relationship with Roman, or told her mother Cyrus had cheated on his first wife, or tried to keep Serena out of Yale…

But in the end she'd always done the right thing. Not necessarily something to be proud of, considering she had been the one to cause chaos in the first place, but it at least proved she had some feelings.

Chuck, on the other hand, was a walking emotionless void; incapable of feeling anything, except maybe anger and hate. She had been such an idiot to ever believe he could love her in return. Maybe she was more like him than she realized. While he had literally turned his back on love, she had also given up any chance of real happiness, by choosing to love someone as soulless as Chuck Bass. Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist…

Her thoughts were momentarily interrupted by the sight of a familiar figure walking briskly across the park. "Nate!" She called, jumping up and jogging to catch him.

"Blair," He welcomed, fixing her with his usual dazzling smile, "What are you doing here?" Despite his friendliness, Blair could tell by the circles under his eyes that he was still troubled by recent events.

"Have you seen Chuck?" She interjected quickly, searching his bright blue eyes.

He let out a long sigh, momentarily avoiding her eyes. "Yeah, he stopped by my place late last night, he was really upset. He said he'd come to tell me he was leaving, and not to try and find him."

"And you just let him GO?" Blair was practically yelling, and several passersby looked in their direction. "How could you Nathaniel, you're his best friend. He's clearly not in his right mind!"

"No…I didn't," Nate stammered indignantly. "I talked and begged him not to go. I told him we were all here for him and we would work everything out. Finally, he said he'd stay if I ran down to the store and bought him another bottle of liquor. When I came back he was gone."

"Genius," muttered Blair in frustration, "Did you really think he was going to stick around?"

"Yeah, I did." Nate defended. "But listen, Blair, Chuck has the power and money to disappear if he wants to, and no one is going to be able to stop him."

"He made that pretty clear." Said Blair, looking away as she felt tears twinge at the corner of her eyes.

"Hey," Nate reached out and comfortingly squeezed her hand. "It will be okay. He's really upset, but he'll come around. He really cares about you, Blair."

She gave a sharp laugh, which was half hiccup, half sob. "If he cared about me he wouldn't have left."

"You don't know that," said Nate gently. "He told me to watch out for you".

"That's great," Blair choked out, barely managing to keep her composure. "That was so thoughtful of him."

"I know this is hard. I'm really worried about him too. But a couple of days boozing it up in a hotel somewhere and he'll remember where his friends are. I promise I'll let you know if I hear anything.

"Thanks". They stood in awkward silence for a moment, both looking at the ground, lost in thought.

Finally Nate spoke, "I'm going to meet Vanessa for lunch. We'd both be really happy if you want to join us. We should all stick together right now."

"Thanks Nate, but I can't," Blair lied, "I promised my mom and Cyrus I'd eat with them today."

The pair cordially bid each other farewell, and Blair watched him walk away through a swirl of crisp snow, which had just begun to fall. She was alone again.