CHAPTER FIVE:JUST SWING

Fear gripped Makoto's heart like a vice when she heard Minako say those words. "Ami never showed up to Cram School." Makoto took a moment to swallow, trying to gather her thoughts. She knew Ami. It was terribly unlike her to ever miss a class. She couldn't speak. She couldn't think. She was lost in the fear that held firmly to her.

"Makoto? Did something happen between you two?"

"I...." She couldn't lie. She could barely even breathe. Minako would know in a heartbeat if she answered falsely, and right now she couldn't even see straight enough to think of anything. "...I broke up with her."

"What?!"

"I didn't think she'd take it so hard. We've only been seeing each other a little while now. I didn't know...I didn't...." Tears filled her eyes, but she struggled to hold her ground against the urge to cry. She wasn't ready to talk about it but Ami could be in trouble and she just didn't know what to do or how to help.

She could hear the uncertainty in Minako's voice as she spoke. As though she was afraid of setting her off, but she had to ask. "Why would you do something like that? Didn't...weren't you the one that instigated this? The way you spoke to me before, it sounded like you were completely, irreversably in love with Ami."

"I...I don't know...." Makoto's back slid down the wall, her body crumpling to the floor as she pulled her legs in tight to her chest. Cradling the phone with her ear, she bit back at the tears that threatened to break her voice, but the pain refused to stay hidden entirely. "It's just that...she's better off," she admitted. "She can do better than me."

"Oh, please," Minako scoffed. "That's never a good reason for breaking someone's heart."

Makoto winced at the accusation. "We were together less than a week. That's not a lot of time to really invest herself in the relationship. I'm sure she'll get over it."

"Like you got over your sempai?" Minako's words were a knife carving deeper into Makoto's heart. "How long, exactly, did it take you to fall for him? Because I can tell you how long it took me to fall for Alan, and it certainly did not take a week. First loves aren't logical, Makoto. They don't stick to a timescale."

"First love...." She hadn't really considered that much, and the revelation stung like ice. She suddenly felt lower than pondscum; lower even than her sempai for what she'd done. For leading Ami on, for taking her heart and twisting it the way she had. She couldn't fight the pain any longer, Realizing just how bad she'd hurt her azure beloved, the floodgates blew upon and the tears fell hard down her cheeks. "I never should have started with her," she cried, unable to restrain herself. "This whole thing was a mistake."

Sensing the change in her composure, Minako softened her voice. "Love is never a mistake, Makoto. You weren't wrong to shoot for it. The only thing you've done wrong is giving up."

"Please," Makoto sobbed. "What else could I do? She's going to have an amazing life and an amazing future, and I'm going to be stuck here. She deserves so much. What could I possibly have to offer her?"

"Love," Minako answered, without even a moment's hesitation. "What else matters?"

Makoto couldn't answer. She couldn't find words that would sound right against Minako's optimism.

After a moment's beat, Minako sighed. "Listen, we're all meeting at the Hikawa Shrine. We're going to look for Ami. Usagi already checked her house; all the lights were off and the door was locked. She sent Luna in, but she turned up nothing." Makoto knew Ami always kept a window open for Luna; Luna seemed to like her even more than Usagi herself.

"I'll be there." Minako didn't even have to ask. "I need to find her. I'll...I'll be there."

"Alright. Thank you. And Makoto?"

"...yeah?"

"I want you to really think about tonight. You and Ami are so good together. I would hate to see you miss out on your chance for real, true love because of your own insecurities. You deserve the right to be happy."

And there was that pang of guilt again. "Thanks, Minako. I'll...I'll think about it."

"That's all I ask." With that, the Senshi of Love hung up the phone, and Makoto pulled her legs in tighter to her chest. She knew she needed to get up, needed to head out the door and head down for the Hikawa Shrine, but right now...oh, kami, what have I done?

********************

Makoto was out the door five minutes later. She'd managed to throw on a pair of jeans and a sweater, which would have to be enough. She didn't have time for anything else. Slamming the door behind her, she didn't even think to lock it as she bolted--

--almost plowing down Ami's mother in the process. "Ms. Mizuno?! I'm sorry, I didn't--"

"Is Ami here?" The fear and trepidation in Ami's mother's voice was impossible for Makoto to miss, as was the stinging redness in her eyes that told Makoto she'd been crying. "Please. If my daughter is here, if this is some kind of lesson or--"

"No, she isn't," Makoto answered. "I was just on the way out to look for her."

"She took a bag," Mizuno blurted out. "I got a call from her cram school...when I got home, she wasn't there. That duffel she keeps in her closet was missing, and a lot of her clothes and books and...I think she...."

"I know." Makoto rest a hand on Mizuno's shoulder to brace her. "Listen, I'm going to go look for her. I think I know why she left. I'm going to talk to her."

"This is...because of me, isn't it?"

Makoto couldn't lie to Ami's mom. "It's 'cause of both of us. But that's not important now. What matters right now is finding Ami before...before anything happens to her."

"Do you know where to look?"

"I have a few ideas." Makoto looked off into the distance. She knew the others had already tried Ami's Sailor Communicator, but she wanted to give it a shot nonetheless. She'd give that a try once she was on her way to the Hikawa Shrine, and away from Mizuno.

"I don't....I don't even know where to start." Makoto could hear the guilt and self-doubt in Mizuno's voice. "You were the only person I could think of when I knew she'd gone missing. I know she likes books...studying...but I can't even think of where she might run off to. Oh, kami...I've been a terrible mother."

Turning her attention back to Mizuno, Makoto placed her left hand on her other shoulder and looked her right in the eyes, biting back her own niggling fear. She had to be strong right now; they both had to be. "No, you're not. So you've made a few mistakes. We all have. But right now, we're going to find Ami and everything is going to be okay."

Mizuno was silent at first. But as the moment passed, she could see into Makoto's eyes, see the fire of love burning for her daughter, the sheer, raw determination to make everything okay, and it made her feel weak. Who was this person that Ami apparently cared so deeply about? "You...you're right. Th...thank you," she said as she turned away towards the car, "I'm going to go look for her. Stay here in case she--"

"She won't come here. Not after...not after tonight."

"Of course." Mizuno had her suspicions about what had caused Ami to react so horribly, but this confirmed them.

"I'll go look for her. You should head back home." Starting down the walk, Makoto called back over her shoulder. "Someone should be there in case she shows up."

"But...shouldn't you wait for your parents? I'm sure when they get home--"

They're not...." Makoto stopped suddenly. There was no easy way to say it, and there was no other way to explain. "...they're not coming home. Ever. They, uh...they passed away. A long time ago." It took every ounce of strength she had to keep the bitter memory from coming back to surface; she didn't know if she could handle both it and Ami's disappearance at the same time.

"...oh my, Makoto, I...I had no idea. I'm so --"

"Don't be." Biting her tongue to keep from crying, she started walking again. "It was a long time ago, and there isn't time to worry about it now."

Ms. Mizuno was left standing on the walk, in front of Makoto's apartment. The implications of what she had just heard roared through her head. She couldn't think. She could barely even breathe. But...Makoto was right. There would be time to go over everything later. The only thing that mattered right now was Ami.

********************

"I'm here! I'm here." Makoto was the last to arrive, racing up the stairs to the expectant stare of Minako. Rei was seated on the front steps of the shrine while Usagi paced back and forth in front of her. "Sorry, I had a little trouble on my way out." Usagi stopped, looking up and meeting her somber gaze. "Any luck?"

"Nuh-uh." Usagi looked back down at her arms, folded across her chest. "Mamoru's still out searching. He promised he'd call if he found her, but she could be anywhere by now."

"This isn't like her," Rei stood from her perch. "She's never done anything like this before. Why would Ami run off all of a sudden?"

"Maybe she failed a test?" Usagi offered. "Like, really badly failed?"

"Ami would have to get YOUR grades to go this far," Rei snapped. "And that strains credibility so much she would have to be possessed."

"Well, I don't see anyone else coming up with--"

"It's not her grades," Makoto admitted. "It's..." She looked away, down the steps of the shrine. She couldn't bear to look at any of them. "It's because of the stupid jerk that broke her heart."

"Oh, Ami..." The concern in Usagi's voice twisted the knife a little in Makoto's gut.

"Alright," Minako entered the conversation. "We have to find her. If we split up, we can probably find her easier. I've tried her communicator, and she isn't answering." Makoto knew that well enough; she'd tried too. Six times on the way over, and not a one had been fortuitous. She guessed Ami probably didn't want to talk to her right now. "I'll go look around by the school, see if she's there."

"Alright," Makoto offered, "I'll check the park. I'd hate for her to be in a place like that at night."

Rei stepped forward as she spoke. "I'll head down by her house and see if I can find her en route to any of our places. But we're probably not going to find her anywhere she might go; if she ran away, she doesn't want to be found."

"We have to find her!" Minako insisted. "Before she does something...bad...."

"I spoke to her mom," Makoto assured. "She took a bag with her. Which means wherever she's going, she isn't planning on coming back. But she's not planning on hurting herself or anything like that.

"Alright." Minako seemed at least a bit more confident with that. "Let's hurry. There's any number of things that could happen to her this late."

"Right. Come on!" Makoto was the first down the stairs, and the first out of the shrine.

"Great!" Usagi stood and watched the others go, realizing she hadn't actually been given anywhere to look. "I'll...uh...I'll stay here then...wait for Mamoru to call...." As the others disappeared down the stairs, her excitement lingered for a moment, before it gave way to a small pout and she headed into the shrine.

********************

The old rusty swingset creaked under Ami's weight, as she rocked gently back and forth in its seat. One hand clutched tenderly to the chain holding up the swing, while the other stuck tightly to her heart. She could still hear Makoto's horrible words in her mind. "You don't know what love is!" Looking down at her bare knees sticking out from the skirt of her school uniform, she let a few tears drip onto the fabric as she strained to understand.

Her duffel rest at her feet, filled with clothes and books and various odds and ends that she felt she'd need...wherever it was she decided to go. She still didn't know what she was going to do. It wasn't like her to be this rash and impulsive, but after everything with her mother and Makoto, it just hurt too much to stay there anymore.

She knew this playground from when she was just a little girl. She had gone to elementary school nearby, and she remembered driving past it every day with her mother. She could see all the children playing and having fun, but they always just drove by. One day, she asked her mother if they could stop so that she could play for a while with the other kids.

"No, dear," was her reply. "You have to study. You're going to make something of yourself one day, and you don't have time to get distracted by frivolous pursuits."

She had never understood that answer. She never understood why she couldn't just go out and play like normal kids, but slowly she'd allowed it to become engrained into her. She had to study. She had to read. She had to stay indoors like the good little bookworm. And over the years, she'd forgotten about that playground, and about those kids, and about all the little things she had wanted to do that she was just too busy studying for.

She never got to go play on that playground. And she never even realized how sad and miserable it had made her, until just a few days ago. Makoto had opened up a well of old feelings she had bottled up a long time ago. Being loved by her reminded her of everything she couldn't have, and being rejected so harshly tonight served only to remind her how lonely it had all made her. All she wanted was to go play on that playground, and Makoto had shut it down.

All she could do now was sit in her swing and think about everything she couldn't have. And try to figure out where she was going to go.

********************

It was a bloody miracle she even found her. Rei crouched hidden behind a bush, just outside a playground a few blocks down from Ami's house. She'd been trying to take a shortcut to get to the library, her next idea for places Ami might go, when she'd stumbled upon the familiar sight of blue hair mixed with the faint sound of a creaky swing. She knew Ami hadn't noticed her; the Senshi were all very talented when it came to avoiding attention while spying on each other. Taking care to ring only Makoto, Usagi, and Minako's communicator watches and NOT Ami's, lest she accidentally tip her off and set her running, she called in what she found.

"She's at a playground by 32nd and Toshiba. She's got a duffel bag with her. I'm going to try to talk to her--"

"No!" Makoto insisted. "Wait for me. I'll be there in ten minutes."

Rei scoffed. "She might not BE here in ten minutes."

"Please. It's important." There was an urgency in Makoto's voice that gave Rei pause. "I can't explain, but...I'm the one she needs to talk to right now. Please, just wait for me."

She didn't quite understand it, but the concern and haste in Makoto's voice convinced Rei. "Alright. But if she starts to bolt, I'm on her. Get here quick, okay?"

********************

Makoto was wrong. It wasn't ten minutes. She managed to make it in less than eight, though she was markedly out of breath when she finally came upon the old playground Rei was talking about. And there, still seated in her little swing apart from the world, was Ami Mizuno, the girl who stole her heart and whose heart she had broken trying to take it back. "Ami...." She didn't know what to say. As she walked slowly up, she ran through ideas in her head.

Ami, I'm sorry. Ami, I'm an idiot. Ami, love is like a fine dinner, cooking slowly with the heat of passion, but without any guidebook to tell you how to prepare it. Ooh, that one's good. I should--she saw me.

Makoto froze, just past the old slide, staring at Ami like a deer caught in the headlights. The creaking stopped as Ami stopped her swing, and for a moment, everything was silence. Makoto could feel her heart racing faster as she fought to bring her words to surface, but it wasn't until Ami grabbed her duffel bag and turned to run that she managed to blurt out, "Ami, I cooked a guidebook!"

Ami stopped, confused. Turning back towards Makoto with one eyebrow raised, she asked the only question she could possibly ask: "What?"

Great. That didn't even make sense. Makoto looked down for a moment, trying to bring coherency to her voice before trying again. "Ami, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't...I didn't realize how much you cared about me." She stepped closer to Ami, but stopped when she saw Ami reflexively take a step back. "I thought...I don't know. I guess I thought you were humoring me or something."

"My mother put you up to it." The accusation was as cold as it was accurate.

"...she and I talked, yeah. She's really worried about you, though. And I...I'm worried too. Ami, I don't want anything to happen to you. I was so scared when I found out you were missing. I--"

"You didn't seem so concerned this evening," The sharpness in her voice tore deeply into Makoto, and she knew she couldn't deny it.

Looking down, she realized this was going nowhere. Dropping to her knees in the sand under the slide, she couldn't bring herself to look at Ami anymore. "I understand that you're angry. And it's my fault. I've screwed everything up." Blinking away her tears, she finally managed to raise her head and look her azure goddess in the eyes. She didn't care if Rei was listening anymore. She didn't care if anyone was listening. The pain was just too much to bear. "I love you so much, Ami. You're the sweetest, smartest, most amazing person I've ever met. After I lost my sempai, when I was alone again, I didn't think I'd ever find anyone that could really make my life great again. But then I met you, and every day that I've known you has felt like a gift from the heavens, like all the horrible things I'd been through in my life were just building up to this one great, wonderful connection that made it all feel like it was really worth it. I feel like I don't deserve someone as perfect as you are, and...and now I've hurt you. And I can't say enough how sorry I am for that, but...I don't want to lose you. I understand you can probably never trust me that intimately again, but I would like it if we could at least go back to being friends. That'll...that'll be enough for me."

The wind started to pick up, running a chill across Makoto's body. She looked back down at the sand beneath her, waiting for Ami's response. When it finally came, it was like icicles prickling across her back, a pain that arced lightning through her body and made her heart stop. One simple word: "No." For the moment, time stood still. Makoto couldn't move. She couldn't breathe. Her world was crumbling around her, and she was powerless to stop it. "I don't want to be your friend." These words cut deeper into her core, and she found she couldn't stop the tears from coming.

"I...I understand," she choked out through broken sobs. As she started to her feet, she turned away, realizing she couldn't carry this on any longer. She had screwed up so bad, and it hurt too much for her to bear now. But as she started to go, she was surprised by the weight on her arm, as Ami moved forward and grasped her wrist to keep her from leaving.

"No, you don't." The smaller girl's voice was stern, but there was a tenderness to it that caught Makoto by surprise. "Makoto, I...I eat stale leftovers over a sink to save time. I drink milk out of the carton because I'm too busy to find a glass. I'm socially awkward, I'm horrible at parties, I wouldn't know a good time if it hit me in the face. I rarely come out of my shell and when I do it's just to find another book. I'm not perfect. I'm not great. I'm just...I'm just Ami."

This time it was Makoto's turn to be confused. "I don't--"

"Hold on, I'm not finished. This time, it's my turn to talk and it's your turn to listen. You've put me on this pedestal and I feel like I can't live up to what you believe I am, because I'm not perfect. I'm just a human being, like everyone else. But this last week with you...it was the first time I've ever really felt like I didn't have to try to BE perfect for everyone around me. It felt like I could just relax and be Ami, and that made me feel better than I ever have before. I never knew what I was missing until I had you. I don't...I don't WANT to be your friend, Makoto. I can't be your friend. I want to be your girlfriend, and I want things to be like they have been. I want you to love me. To look at me the way you did the night we had our first date." Pulling both of her arms around Makoto, Ami pressed into her, resting her head gently on the taller girl's ample busom. "I don't care what my mom says about us. The only thing I want right now is to be with you."

Makoto wrapped her arms tightly around Ami's shoulders, cradling her head in her chest and resting her chin on her forehead. She could feel the mix of love and relief warming her body as she held tightly to her beloved. She couldn't believe what she had almost given up for her foolish self-doubt. She couldn't speak. She couldn't think. All she could do was bask in the warmth of Ami's embrace, and thank her star that Ami hadn't given up on her.

********************

Rei bit her fingernails nervously as she watched events unfold. Makoto was the mysterious "guy" that Ami was dating this whole time? Ooh, how it must have grated Makoto's nerves to be referred to as "the guy" every time they talked about "him". She knew Makoto had major issues with that.

She didn't even know how to react to this right now. She was just taking in the sight. Ami was wrapped up in Makoto's arms and it looked like the two had managed to make things work. She felt good for them both, though she didn't know what she would feel in the long term. Ami never really struck her as the type to be very interested in girls...or boys, really...or anyone at all.

And Minako knew. That realization hit her like a sack of bricks. Minako had full knowledge of this whole thing as it was happening, and they'd kept it a secret from her and Usagi. That grated her, but she could go after them later about it. Right now...what mattered right now was that it looked like everything was going to be okay, and Ami was fine.

And maybe, just maybe, if she watched long enough...she'd see them kiss.

********************

"You know," Ami broke the silence. "You...were right about one thing."

"What's that?" Makoto ran her hand through Ami's short, beautiful hair.

"I don't know what love is like. I've never...I've never been in love before. All I know about it is from my books, and that's...that's not enough for a legitimate diagnosis." Pulling back just enough to look up into Makoto's eyes, she smiled. "But I'd like to learn. Will you show me?"

Lowering her face just a few inches above Ami's, Makoto could feel her warm breath on her cheeck. Touching the tips of their noses together, she gazed lovingly into her azure beauty's eyes. "I would love to."

"Kiss! Kiss!" Usagi's voice was easily recognizeable to both, as the odango jumped up and down from the nearby fence. With a sigh, Makoto knew the moment was broken, and started to pull back. She was, however, interrupted by Ami pushing herself up and forward, capturing her lips before she could go anywhere. "Whooo!" was all she heard behind her before she closed her eyes and was lost in the passion of Ami's lips.

This. This was perfect. She didn't know how she could ever have been so blind as to let this go.