THE SCHNOZ

By: Undercooked

Disclaimer: I own Hellsing even less than I own Playboy. Which is zippity-do-da.

A/N: Second drabble! This one still stars me and Brittany, this time post-arguement. Let it be known that we DID ridicule Alucard's nose, but nothing else in this chapter actually happened. I just made it up off the top of my head. My computer was kind and allowed me to write and post it. All hail the great computer!! --bows and scrapes--

Jess and Brittany had settled their arguement.

"HA! Told you it was a woman!" Jess gloated.

"Well, she's an UGLY woman!" Brittany sulked, throwing the manga back at Jess, who caught it only because it was a library book.

"There, there. Will making fun of Alucard make you feel better?" Jess comforted her stung friend, though still silently gloating.

"I guess so." Brittany sighed. Jess reopened the manga and pointed to an incriminating picture of Alucard.

"This one is pretty lame-ass." she said. "I'll let you take the first crack."

Brittany smiled in spite of her loser-ish-ness.

"His nose is huge!" she snickered.

Jess looked.

"You're right!" she laughed. "It's all pointy and stretched! What if....?"

She looked off into the distance dreamily.

"What are you DOING?" Brittany inquired.

"Shhh!" Jess shushed. "I'm triggering a daydream!"

"Oh. Sorry." Brittany whispered sheepishly.

-- WHAT IF --

An important meeting was going on in the Hellsing headquarters.

"Damn, this is important. If it were any more important, we would all explode from the importance of this most important thing. In fact, it is SO IMPORTANT that its important importance dwarfs any importance you unimportant mongrels may have thought yourselves to possess!!" Integra said, although no-one was quite sure what she was talking about.

----- "What was so important?" Brittany asked.

"Hell, I dunno." Jess shrugged. "It doesn't really matter."

"It matters to me!" Brittany cried passionately.

"Well, you think of something, then."

"Um...they could no longer understand what the hell Alexander Anderson was saying!"

"I could NEVER understand what he was saying."

"They can."

"Anything else, brilliant muse?"

"Make Integra nicer!"

Jess sighed. ------

"This importantly important situation is caused in regard to Alexander Anderson." Somewhat-Kinder Integra said. "As we all know, he's a meanie bobini, but now, on top of that, no-one can understand his Irish/Scottish/Martian babble."

"She could understand it before?" an unimportant guy murmured to his seatmate.

"Sit back, get comfy, and watch this cozy little clip!" Integra gushed.

---- "Too nice!" Brittany cried. "You made her TOO NICE!"

"You asked for it." Jess said, sniffing imperially. ----

A random television lowered from the ceiling, and blared to life with no summons.

Hmm.

This really is a fanfiction, isn't it?

Alexander Anderson appeared on the screen, babbling away.

"Aye! Me goober garrifed the 'apper an' plarfed the zomboo!" he cried merrily.

The entire audience blinked.

"An' terboof herpled the yuffy puss!" Anderson yammered, suddenly becoming solemn. He then held up a rubber chicken garbed in a tuxedo and announced, tears glimmering in his eyes,

"Aye, the doodly doo flumped me glibber."

----- "Jess?" Brittany asked. "How does any of this relate to Alucard's nose?"

"I'm getting to that!" Jess cried. "You're so impatient."

"By the way..." Brittany began, ignoring her friend's irritation. "Why did Anderson have a

chicken in a tuxedo?"

"Elementary, my dear Brittany." Jess replied. "It flumped his glibber."

Brittan blinked. -----

"As you adorable muffin-pies can tell, ya can't understand him." Integra stated. "Alucard? Come here! We need come refreshment!"

A deep, heavy sigh came from around the corner. Alucard followed his sigh, rolling his eyes and dragging his feet.

"Thanks, puddin' pop!" Integra smiled, taking a doughnut from his nose. Indeed, Alucard's nose served as a perfect rack for doughnuts. Several were strung onto it by their holes, waiting to be devoured.

"Anyone else want a nose doughnut?" Alucard asked sarcastically.

----- "Oh, God! Ew!" Brittany exclaimed. "She put doughnuts on his NOSE?"

"Yep!" Jess cried proudly. "And that's how Alucard's nose fits in this story!"

"What will they do about Anderson's accent?" Brittany asked.

"Get a translator? I dunno. Get off my back." Jess replied.

"And who says 'puddin' pop', anyway?" Brittany asked, on a roll. "And what flavor doughnuts were they?"

Jess glared at her.

"This story is now officially over." she replied, just as the bell rang. She picked up her

books and walked from the room.

"Wait! You can't just leave it like that! WHY DID THE CHICKEN FLUMP HIS GLIBBER?!?!" Brittany yelled, running out of the classroom after her.

After their exit, Mrs. Paige picked up the forgotten manga, paging through it boredly. "I wonder why his nose is so long...?" she asked herself.

"I can explain that!" Jess called, poking her head back through the door. ----