A/N: Well I finally have had a break from the writters block and come up with this story. As always it is Addex eventually although I must warn you I think it's definately the darkest work I've done, as it deals with drug addiction. I'm not totally convinced it will work so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Just a few things to help. This story is set approx 5 years after Addison left for LA. The story will be based in LA to start with but will move back to Seattle.

Hope you enjoy and like I said feedback would be greatly appreciated. Please let me know if it's worth continuing.

Chapter 1

I've had a bad day. It's okay. I'll just take two Valium. I won't need them tomorrow. It's okay, I'm a Doctor, and I need them to help me out right now.

Addison justified this to herself as she washed the Valium down with a mouthful of red wine. She sat waiting quietly; she knew the Nanny would be home with the twins any moment now. As the pills and the wine began to take effect she felt a calm wash over her. Addison needed the calm to be able to cope, to be able to be a good mother to her 4 year olds Jack and Matilda.

The children ran inside into their mothers waiting arms.

"I missed you today mommy." Jack whispered not wanting his sister to hear.

"I missed you too." Addison whispered back.

"I'm hungry." Matilda announced.

"You're always hungry." Addison said pulling back from her children and smiling at both of them.

They were miracle children. Addison didn't think IVF would work but it did. The beautiful proof stood in front of her as they began to run into the kitchen.

The Nanny left for the day and Addison and the children sat down and ate dinner together. This was the part of the day Addison still found the hardest. The twins laughed and talked and ate dinner as Addison watched them. The pills and wine helped her be there. She didn't think without them she would be able to do it. Night after night, day after day, raising the children alone it was becoming harder not easier. Time was not healing this wound. 6 months had passed now and life without Kevin just didn't seem right. Nothing would feel right again.

Addison had cut her hours back at the Wellness Centre to 35 hours a week. She needed to be there for her children who still didn't really understand why their father was not coming home ever again.

After Kevin's death Naomi and Violet convinced Addison that short term use (as in 2 weeks) of Valium would be beneficial and non addictive. It would help her handle the funeral arrangements and help her try and explain to her 4 year olds that Daddy had been killed at work and wouldn't be coming home again.

At first Addison declined the offer of the drugs but 2 days later and the inability to get out of bed and function she relented and decided to use them for the short term. Unfortunately Addison found great comfort in Valium and 2 weeks turned into 4 weeks which turned into 3 months. Now she was writing her own prescriptions because she knew both Naomi and Violet wouldn't and they would insist that therapy would be better than self medicating to cope. All she was doing was masking the pain.

Logically Addison knew this but it didn't stop her. She felt so much better when she was taking them. It was like she was floating on a cloud and was able to be a better mother, a calm rational mom who could handle any question her children asked about their father. It also helped her deal with Kevin's death. Because honestly she was so angry with him, she asked him to transfer out of SWAT and into another field a less dangerous one, but he refused. And now she was alone, and their children had lost their father. So yeah she was pissed off. It felt wrong to be pissed off with the man you loved especially when he was dead. Taking the Valium helped her not be pissed off with him.

If she had listened to Naomi and Violet all might have been good. But Six months later Addison was finding herself needing to take them more and more not less. She was now taking 2 in the morning, two in the evening on weekdays and more when she was home on the weekend looking at constant reminders of Kevin. Couple this with half a bottle of wine a night, Addison was slowly but surely becoming an addict. Something she couldn't see, or maybe she did but refused to acknowledge it. Addicts are smart and she hid it from her friends and work colleagues.

The only person who seemed to notice was Alex Karev. He had moved to Los Angeles 5 years ago, to take up the position of Attending of the OB/GYN department at St Ambrose. Addison and Alex had met up again when she had a Surgery assisting him. They both laughed at how the tables had turned in 5 short years. He had been deliberately vague about why he made the move to LA but at the time she didn't really care.

5 years ago she was deliriously happy. Just married to a wonderful man that was real and honest and couldn't give a flying fuck that she had a 25 million dollar trust fund, nor did the name Forbes Montgomery mean anything to him. Kevin was only interested in "His Addie" as he liked to call her. She was also expecting twins, something that was so amazing to her that the reason why Alex Karev was in LA meant very little to her. She was happy to see him and work with him again; they had always made a good team. So on the occasion when she had surgery at St Ambrose she loved scrubbing in with him.

Now though, Alex Karev had noticed that something had changed about her. At first he put it down to the loss of her husband, depression, anger. He could relate to all of it. His own personal battle with lost love, depression and anger was what made him leave Seattle 5 years ago. He just hoped Addison wasn't doing the same stupid things like he had done. All those years ago he said that if she went missing he would notice. Well physically she may not be missing, but he had noticed that she was not the same woman.

He was worried. They had been working together again for the past 5 years and he considered her one of his only real friends that he could count on. He wasn't going to say anything to her just yet, but he had his suspicions. She had lost weight, was constantly tired and he had seen her out, she was drinking more than she should. If things continued on the way they were he would have to speak to her. He didn't want her to slowly die inside like he did, after Izzie's death.

A few weeks later, Alex called into the Wellness Centre on his way home to drop off some paperwork for her to sign and caught sight of Addison taking 2 pills with a glass of wine. In that moment he knew all of his suspicions were confirmed. Now what to do? Did he confront her? No she would only deny it. Too bad he wasn't going to let her hurt herself nor was he going to watch Jack and Matilda lose their mother too.

"Hey Addison." She said casually.

"Oh Hi Alex." Addison said smiling, quickly moving the Valium packet into her handbag.

"Drinking on the job?" Alex asked nodding his head towards the wine bottle.

"Oh I was just having a glass before I go home. Would you like to join me?"

"Sure." He said playing along with her.

Addison poured him a glass of wine and asked him to sit down.

"Addison, we are friends aren't we?"

"Of course we are." Addison said.

"Okay. Do you want to tell me what you are doing?"

"What do you mean?" Addison asked. She could feel her heart start to beat a little faster. Keep cool Addie

"You know what I'm talking about. The pills and the wine." He said flatly with no fuss, no bullshit just open and honest.

"Look Alex I don't know what you are talking about."

"Addison don't. Okay just don't. I see you. I see how much you have changed. And before you say anything it's not just because Kevin is gone. That isn't the change I'm talking about. I'm talking about the look in your eyes. It's the fact that you are tired all the time because my guess is that you are taking some type of relaxant. Valium or Xanax is my guess."

"How dare you?..."

"Addie I want to help you, I'm not doing this to stick my nose in your business. I care about you, we have been friends for a long time and I have been there. Please I just want to help."

Addison just looked at him. The concern in his eyes was overwhelming, could she, should she? No she wasn't ready to stop taking them. They were the crutch she needed.

"There is nothing going on Alex. You have nothing to worry about. How can you say you have been there? You don't know what it's like to lose your partner; try to console your children. So thank you for your concern but I doubt you have any idea of what I am going through."

"Well maybe I didn't have children but I lost two loves in my life. You don't have the market cornered on loss and pain Addison. Using drugs and alcohol isn't the answer. When you are ready to admit you have a problem come and talk to me. I can help. Believe me I can help."

"Just go Alex I don't have a problem and I don't want to talk about this anymore."

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2 days later Addison took 1 too many Valium tablets and Naomi found her passed out on her living room floor.

A/N: Thanks for reading!! Please let me know what you think