Disclaimer: Don't own FMP. Not pretending I do. Not making any money.

Notes: Takes place after Second Raid. Follows anime plot line. Contains some mild spoilers. Rated for adult themes, alcohol use, some disturbing images, and violence in later chapters.

Enjoy.

*+*+*

It was over. Finally. What could only be called the fourth worst day of his life was finally over. Somewhere between nearly resigning from Mithril and wondering how his ear drums could take such a battery from Mizuki while Chidori sobbed into his chest he had decided it was the fourth worst day of his life. He'd had time to think about while Kyoko escorted a still sobbing Chidori to the girls' bathroom and Mizuki and the other girls scolded him for something they were not entirely aware he'd done.

The first worst day was when Gauron said she was dead and I believed him…

He'd thought about it more while Onodera and Shinji "consoled" him for his misfortune with the fairer sex.

The second worst day was when my adopted father died…

And he'd continued to consider it as Mr. Fujitaki lectured on Japanese classics.

The third worst day was when they ordered me not to contact Chidori…

But it was over now. No more worst days. He set his jaw in determination. No more of that at all. His days from now on couldn't be that bad, just like today wasn't that bad, because as it ended, he got to be with her.

Chidori…

She'd been silent through most of the day. She hadn't spoken to him all day, not since the incident in the hallway. She wasn't ignoring him, though, he was sure of that. It was almost as if… she just had nothing to say. But that couldn't be right, either. Chidori always had something to say. He wanted to say something, anything, just to break the silence. He was willing to make a fool of himself again just so he could hear her laugh at him. But nothing came out of his mouth. They just walked, sun setting over the cityscape around them, a foot or so between them.

Just say something, soldier!

But even as he opened his mouth, fully aware that he was probably about to insert his foot, she beat him to it.

" So, have they already got all your stuff back to your apartment yet? If not, I can loan you some blankets. It's going to be chilly tonight." She started conversationally.

" Uh…" he was caught off guard at first. " Negative… Mithril is no longer paying for my lodgings. I will have to find new lodgings myself."

" Wait, what? What do you mean, Mithril's not paying for your apartment?" Chidori asked suddenly.

" It's part of the new arrangement. I must provide my own lodgings."

" So where are you staying tonight?" Chidori asked. He'd been sure she'd ask about the new arrangement, but instead she pursued that topic.

" Uh… I suppose I'll get a hotel room…" he said, uncomfortable with the thought of spending a sleepless night in an ill-protected cheap motel.

Something shifted in Chidori's eyes at the mention of the word hotel. Anyone else, even Kyoko, might not have noticed, but he did. And she knew he did. She turned her face from him, from his intensifying gaze. A thousand questions burned in his throat, searing through his mind faster than freshly fired RPG. She knew that too.

" I know you've got questions." She started shakily. He wanted to back away and move closer, all at once. He feared a repeat of the hallway incident, both because an unnerved, weeping Chidori scared him and because he hated himself when she was upset… he never knew how to make her happy again.

" A-affirmative." He wished his voice were steadier. He wished he were better. He wished he knew what to say or do that would chase away the shadow that had fallen over her eyes.

" I… I just can't deal with it yet, Sousuke, okay? Don't ask. When I'm ready, I'll tell you everything, okay?" she barely ground out her uncertain statement. He wanted to protest. He wanted to demand to know now. She could see that in his eyes, he was sure. " Please, Sousuke?" The way she said that, the way she pleaded with him, took the fire right out of him.

" Roger." He muttered, thoroughly displeased with this outcome.

" For now, can we just go back to how it was before? Just for now?" she asked, looking up to him with a tiny glimmer of hope in her expressive eyes.

He was torn.

Yes, of course we can. It will be just like before. I will make mistakes and you can correct me with force. I will say something dumb and you can laugh at me. I will jump and run and chase every shadow that crosses your path because that is what I do, and I do it to protect you.

Or…

No. You know we can't do that. Everything is changed now, and we can't go back. I don't want to go back. Because…

"Wuh… would that make you happy?" he asked instead, unsure.

" For now, yes. It would." She responded quietly. She sounded ashamed. He wondered why as she reached up and rubbed her lips.

" For now, then. But just for now." He said slowly. She smiled, but it was small and broken and nothing like what he wanted to see.

" Thank you, Sousuke." She whispered. " Anyway, I won't let you stay at a hotel. Come stay at my place. You can sleep on the couch."

" I would hate to impose…" he began, unsure of himself for a dozen reasons.

" Oh stop it. You won't be imposing and you know it. You're staying with me until you find an apartment and that's final." She had that tone of voice, and he knew there was no point in arguing.

He liked to watch her move. The way she swayed back and forth as she thoughtfully stirred the curry. He liked to watch her face, the way her lower lip protruded slightly as she contemplated shadows he could only guess at.

" She's dead, and it was slow and painful…"

He hated the shiver that overtook him, the slow, creeping darkness that engulfed his world as he returned to that hollow, horrible moment. Gauron… Chidori… dead. Dead. No more laughter, no more harisen, no more expressive eyes looking up at him happily. No more. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, his tightened chest muscles releasing slowly and thankfully. He opened his eyes again and beheld her again. Fear tightened its hold on him, irrational, insatiable fear. She was so small and the world was so big and full of so many evil people who would cause her pain…

" Chidori?" his voice sounded small, plaintive, petulant. He sounded childish, at least to himself. She turned and regarded him thoughtfully over his shoulder.

" Mm-hmm?" she hummed in answer. For a moment, time froze and he wished it would never start again. He could be happy to regard her like this forever. But time stops for nothing…

" I… I just… Um… nothing. Please disregard."

She blinked slowly at him, and for a moment he could have sworn there was understanding in her eyes, as though she understood what he wanted to say even though he did not. She nodded and turned back to the curry and he returned to hating his inability to articulate the million thoughts he was dying to say.

*+*+*

She woke the next morning in her bed. She did not remember going there. She was still wearing the baggy pants and oversized tee she'd been wearing the night before.

I must have fallen asleep during the movie… did Sousuke bring me in here?

She pushed the blanket off and stood unsteadily. It was nearly noon, and for a moment she panicked and thought she'd slept through half the school day, until she remembered it was Sunday.

It was quiet. So quiet, too quiet. A jolt of fear ran through her as she stumbled into the main room of her apartment. There was no one there. The fear grew.

No, not again… No!

" Sousuke? Sousuke?! Sousuke!" she practically shrieked. There was a crash and suddenly a rush of steam from the bathroom. Sousuke came careening into view, Glock 19 leveled in one hand and the other hand clutching a towel tossed haphazardly around his waist. Otherwise, the hapless Sergeant was notably naked.

" What?! What is it? Is there an intruder?" He immediately began to barrage her with questions, striding towards her as she stared dumbfounded at his all but nude body. Hard, strong lines contoured the muscles of his chest, muscles that flexed and relaxed with every confident step. She suddenly felt overwhelmed, and then she remembered…

" Look at me…"

Unwelcome eyes raking over her body, unwelcome hands on her arms, unwelcome lips against hers, and almost worse than all the others, the unwelcome smell of him in her nostrils. She unconsciously wiped at her lips as a hand grabbed her arm. She flinched.

" Chidori, answer me…" a voice from far away whispered.

Where are you, where are you, where are you?

" Chidori…"

" Oh god, where are you?"

" Kaname!"

She started, and looked up, fearful of what she might see. Relief flooded her veins when she saw familiar dark hair and steely grey eyes, regarding her in a near panic. His scent filled her nose and his hand gripped her firmly.

" Sousuke? Oh…" She wanted to cry. She thought how weak she must seem in his eyes. " Y-you weren't there when I woke up and then I thought… and… oh…" She couldn't stop the tears from leaking out of her eyes. Sousuke's eyes flared wide when he saw.

Oh god he probably thinks I'm so pathetic…

She tried to back away from him, but his grip on her arm tightened. He wouldn't let her. She couldn't look at him, she couldn't bear for him to see her this way.

" I'm sorry."

She could hardly believe the words that came from his mouth. She looked up at him, unsure. His normally clear eyes were clouded.

" I'm sorry… I… I don't know what to say or do to make you happy again. I know if I was better or smarter I would know, but I don't. So… just tell me what to do, Kaname, and I'll do it. Just tell me what will make you happy again."

She blinked. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, but she couldn't move. He was so… she couldn't think of how to describe it to herself. He seemed so large… the largest thing in the world. And so… very masculine. She was distinctly aware of him as a male, and suddenly, of herself as female. It wasn't the first time she'd thought like this about him, but he was so close and so… unclothed. So she just shook her head and forced a small, pathetic smile. For his sake, she could fake a smile until her cheeks hurt.

" Would you… would you take me someplace?" she asked quietly.

" Anywhere. Just tell me where." He responded instantly.

" I want to go to the park. The one where you told me I looked lovely in my mom's kimono." She knew by the look in his eyes that he remembered the exact spot.

" Roger." And then he blushed. " Let me just… uh, get dressed."

Sousuke paid for the train ride to the park. They walked silently through to park, until they finally arrived at the path that snaked around the lake. It was not nearly as lovely a day as it had been when they'd last been there. It was cold and gray. Even Sousuke snuffed at the chill in the air, through his Mithril issue fatigues and jacket. He walked quietly beside her, even in spite of his heavy combat boots. She herself wore a jacket and jeans with matching brown and pink gloves and scarf. She'd thought they were terribly cute when she'd bought them, but now they looked muted with the gray day. She stopped suddenly to look out over the choppy, gray-green lake and the leafless trees. Sousuke stopped with her, hands in his pockets to keep them warm, and his eyes also flicked over the landscape around them, but he was looking for something particular, that familiar glint of sunlight off binoculars in the distance that would tell him Wraith's location.

" Spot him?" she asked quietly when he turned his eyes back to the lake, a dissatisfied frown on his somber features.

" No. The sun's not good enough to give away his position." Sousuke might have huffed, if he were more expressive. " Besides, I think he must be using the trees to cover himself." She smiled softly. The statement was downright sulky by Sousuke terms.

" You don't like not knowing where Wraith is, huh?" she asked.

" Negative. I do not." Sousuke almost grimaced. " The thought of someone I don't know watching us – watching you – unnerves me."

She didn't speak. When she didn't, Sousuke looked her worriedly. She only forced another smile for him, wishing with all of her heart that he would not pursue the topic. Thinking of Wraith made her remember the last couple of days, and she was not ready for that yet.

But still, to ask Sousuke to pretend that nothing had changed between them, that everything was just like it was before she gave him a hair cut… was that right? Was that fair? She looked at him again, searching for some sign on his features. As usual, his face was stoic as he faced the lake, but when he turned to her, an unasked question clear in his eyes, she found that she could read much more than usual from him. She read something there that she wasn't sure she was ready to read.

" Sousuke…" She started, but when his eyebrows rose questioningly, she found herself losing her courage. So instead… " I wanted to apologize. It wasn't fair of me to ask you… to ask what I asked you yesterday. So, if you don't want to pretend like nothing happened, that's-"

" Negative." Sousuke's voice stopped her in her tracks. His eyes were serious, but not stony… " There is nothing that you could ask me to do that I would not do for you." He blushed slightly, a little color creeping up his neck and infecting his ears. " It… it's not a question of fair or not. If that's what it takes to make you happy, then that's what I'll do. Besides…" he swallowed. " We have all the time we need. Take all the time you want, Kaname."

There, he'd called her by her first name again. He'd done it that morning also, but at the time, she hadn't noticed. The way he said her name made her happy. Like every syllable was something precious that he wanted to protect. But even those thoughts could not warm the coldness that crept into her gut.

" But what if you leave? What if you leave and don't come back and I can't find you?" She had to ask it. It burned inside her to ask it.

Sousuke was silent for a long moment, looking out over the water. Finally, he turned back to her.

" I'm sorry, Kaname, I can't promise you that I won't ever leave again. And I certainly can't promise you I'll always come back on time, or even at all." he stopped suddenly. He'd lost his nerve, she knew, and was struggling to gain it back. He sighed in frustration. " I'm sorry, there are so many things I want to tell you and I'd made up my mind to do it, but… every time I try nothing happens. It's more frustrating than that stupid Arbalest."

She smiled. A real, genuine smile. Something in Sousuke's features lightened at the sight of it.

" It's okay. You said we have time." She stopped and drew in a slow breath. " You said something about a new arrangement with Mithril…?"

It took Sousuke a moment to recover from the dangerously emotional conversation they'd nearly engaged in.

" Affirmative. It's… well, basically, I asked to re-evaluate my contract with Mithril."

" Oh? So… does that mean…" She was afraid to ask, afraid to voice her hopes. But she didn't need to. Sousuke understood.

"Negative… I will still be required to perform missions, but only those that require the Arbalest."

" In other words, the really dangerous ones." She couldn't keep the sour tone from her voice. Sousuke frowned.

" Not necessarily. In any case though, people need my help. I can't just ignore the skills I have that can help them."

" I know." She sulked a little. Why him? Why was he the only one that could do those things? She knew the factual answer, but that didn't stop her small and feeble anger at fate. " So… Mithril's not paying for your apartment now? Does that mean…"

" Affirmative. Less missions, but now I have to find my own residence."

" So then, they cut your pay, I'd imagine."

" Affirmative. I offered to go down to half, but the Captain would only allow them to cut only a third off."

" When was all this decided?"

" This morning."

" So… two thirds your pay…" She'd never asked what Sousuke earned. " Will it be a problem?" Sousuke's eyes clouded for a moment.

" I don't know yet…" then he shook his head. " Negative, it's not a problem. I'll make it work."

" You can stay with me as long as you need."

For once, he didn't protest, but just offered her a small, funny smile.

" I still have things I need to tell you. A lot of things."

" I know, and…" she sucked in a deep, painful breath. " There are a lot of things I need to tell you too. But like you said, we have time. More tome than ever now. So… let's take it slow, okay?"