CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I told you once you were the one

You know that I'd die for you

Although it hurts to see you go

Oh this time you should know

I won't try to stop you

I felt his strong arms go around me and I circled my arms around his neck. Pressing my cheek against the white of his shirt. I let him carry me into my father's house. "Last night really happened didn't it" I mumbled into his chest, my dry cotton filled mouth barely able to form the words.

"Yes" he said in a low voice as his eyes found mine. The pain on his face was undeniable and he quickly looked away.

Kicking the door shut with his foot Edward carried me inside. I always forgot how strong he was and marvelled even now at how he carried me as if I weighed no more than a book.

The irony of this situation wasn't lost on me either as I remembered the last time I had fainted around him. And how he had carried me then too, away from Mike and the blood testing at school. He had stayed with me in the nurse's office, concerned and teasing before forcibly driving me home. I could still feel the humid dampness within his car as he drove. My squeaky boots and wet hair, the sound of the rain beating against the Volvo's windows as Clair de Lune played on the stereo. That had in many ways been the beginning of us, the beginning of our relationship. How ironic that I should feint today at the end of our relationship, we really had come full circle. During that short drive he had started asking me questions, wanting to know everything about me and after that day he had never stopped.

"Bella can you hear me?" He was kneeling beside me now, an anguished look on his face. At some point he had placed me on the couch in my living room. As I opened my eyes the walls of the room continued to spin and I had to clench my teeth against the nausea.

"There you are, you're coming back to me" he whispered in a tender voice placing his right hand on my clammy forehead, holding it there. The cool of his skin felt wonderful and I closed my eyes, revelling in another stolen moment that I would cherish after he left.

"Can I get you a glass of water?" he offered as he left my side and made his way into the kitchen. "You know in my time girls used to feint regularly, it was almost commonplace"

I could hear the tap running as I struggled to sit up, confused. Why was he leaving me if he so obviously still cared about me?

Handing me the glass I took a sip. Edward sat across from me in Charlie's favourite chair. His yellowish brown eyes looked tortured and he kept them averted as he picked a pine needle off his shirt and brushed dried mud from his jeans He'd obviously been hunting since leaving me last night. After an endless time he looked directly at me and clearing his throat began what I could only assume would be goodbye. I wanted to cover my ears and tie him to Charlie's chair.

"I'm sorry Bella" he began "Sorry for everything."

"You're still going to leave though aren't you?"

"Yes" he sighed "I obviously can't trust myself not to harm you."

"I don't want you to go" I blurted out as I thought of my life without him. My bottom lip had started to tremble as I fought back tears. "I miss you." I was speaking what might just have been the understatement of the year but I couldn't very well tell him the truth. That I could barely function without him.

"I miss you more than you will ever know Bella" he said softly. "But last night has just proved what I've said all along, I am a danger to you and I'll never fully be in control when I'm around you. We were crazy to think otherwise. You deserve so much more than me" he concluded.

He looked so utterly sad and alone in that moment of confession that I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hold him like a little boy. If he felt half as much pain as I did when we were apart why was he leaving?

"But if you can drink from me and not hurt me or change me couldn't you stay?" I questioned "I wouldn't mind if you had to… I don't know, feed from me occasionally."

Edwards's mouth opened as he absorbed what I had just offered him, and then his face changed, a look of disgust crossing over his features.

"Do you really think so little of yourself Bella?" He inquired in stunned amazement. "Would you really be willing to gamble with your life so freely just to be with me?" His hands were clenching the sides of the chair as he spoke, his face twisting. "What happened last night can never happen again" he said with conviction. "Because I can't be certain that I would be able to stop myself next time. Eventually Bella I would kill you" he hissed.

I was crying in earnest now, hot tears rolling down my cheeks. "Then change me Edward" I sobbed.

"I won't do that" he answered coldly.

I couldn't believe what he was saying. After everything that had happened between us last night he was simply going to apologize to me and leave. "So I guess that's it then Edward" I said sarcastically. "Thanks for stopping by and clearing everything up" A strange anger was starting to build within me. I was hurt and embarrassed and it was obvious that he had made up his mind. "I would just like to know one thing before you go. Why are you really here?"

He didn't answer me right away "I don't know" he finally said "I didn't mean to come here; I know I shouldn't be around you but…"

"You didn't have a problem being around me last night" I snapped. Edward grimaced as my angry words cut into him.

"That should never have happened" he spat out. Anger creeping into his voice too. "I can't believe what I did to you. I had thought I was stronger, that I had more self control but I was wrong, Are you sure you're okay?" he asked concerned once more. He made a move like he was going to get up and come towards me and then thought better of it, leaning back in the chair he ran a hand through his tousled hair as his conflicted emotions silenced him. His multiple personality disorder was starting to show I decided.

"Yes, I'm fine, but how am I fine Edward?" I spat out "Why am I not writhing in pain as I go through the change, why didn't you change me? Why did you come back here at all if you don't want me?" I was beginning to shake with frustration.

"I… I" he stammered "I got carried away. I wanted to make love to you but I was so thirsty I couldn't stop myself. I'm sorry Bella" He said turning his head away from me. "I'm a monster."

"Just answer my question. Why did you come back here?"

"I didn't intend to."

"You keep saying that but your not really answering me. What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry Bella" was his only answer.

Something inside me broke in that instant. As I watched him sitting there in Charlie's chair. Refusing to answer me, refusing to even look at me while he fidgeted and squirmed, anxious to get this over with so he could go. All the pain that I had ever felt over him these last few months, all the grief and depression turned into rage. How dare he, I seethed, embracing the rage that was filling me. How dare he let me fall in love with him and show me a world that I could only imagine and then leave me. And how dare he come back here with no explanation, almost make love to me, bite my neck and then leave again. Was I insane? Why was I putting up with this crap? He was right, I did deserve better and I knew exactly who was better for me too. Jacob. I now knew that I needed to be as far away from Edward as possible. He was bad for me in every sense of the word.

"You know what Edward I'm getting really tired of your self loathing pity party." I said slowly, trying to control my anger "It's not all about you, you know."

Surprise flashed across his face as he noticed the change in me. Then he nodded. "Yes, it would be better if you hated me."

"I do hate you" I snarled. My face felt contorted and ugly but my tears had finally stopped falling.

Edwards head dropped onto his chest, his shoulders hunched as if someone had punched him in the stomach "As much as you hate me now" he said remotely "You should know that it pales in caparison to how much I detest myself."

"Stop saying that" I shrieked "It's always poor me, with you. Isn't it. Oh I'm such a monster. Grow up Edward. If you could just stop hating yourself for one minute you'd see that you actually have it quite good. What with your eternal youth and superhuman strength, plus you have a loving and fantastic family. Suck it up pretty boy, we should all be so lucky." My sarcastic tone mocking him.

Edward never once looked at me. He just sat completely still, his head tilted to his chest as he took in my outburst. Listening to me scream the worst things I could think of. I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me. When I'd finally stopped yelling I realized that I was standing and had been pacing up and down the length of the couch the entire time. I sat down again feeling dizzy and deflated. What in gods name had I just done?

Edward remained seated for another minute then he gracefully stood up from the chair and walked towards the door. He paused before he opened it, but didn't turn around "Before I go Bella I need to warn you. Be careful around Jacob Black he's not who he seems to be."

I stood up again, crossing my arms across my chest. How did he even know I'd been spending time with Jacob? I thought "He's my friend and I trust him" I said proudly. "He wouldn't ever hurt me or use me and then abandon me" I added.

Edwards shoulders tensed then he said quietly "Just don't make him angry."

"Goodbye Edward" I said bitterly. "Say hi to Alice for me"

He didn't turn around or close the door as he moved through it. He just walked away from me forever. I got a glimpse of him getting into his car as I closed the open door. Then I heard the Volvo peel away, the tires angry and screeching on the pavement. As I turned and went to go upstairs I heard his voice. It was loud and clear as though he were still in the room, standing right beside me "I love you Bella, always know this" he whispered into my ear and then he was gone.

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Authors note: Wow, this was fun to write. Let me know what you think. I personally think it was about time Bella let him have it.

Coming next; Bella revisits the meadow and encounters Laurent and a pack of wolves. As we continue directly along Stephanie Meyer's version of New Moon. Of course I may change things a bit.

J bug