Disclaimer: Naruto, its characters and its settings aren't mine
I guess I could have done a lot of things about the bell test. If I'd let things go exactly as last time and the time before we'd have ended up taken on – I'm sure Kakashi had orders that this team was going to pass, or at least Sasuke was supposed to. There was the whole lunch thing, after all.
What can I say? I'm a cynic. I'm more than positive that I know exactly what happened here. Kakashi had his orders, and that's fine, but the whole thing about pairing the best with the worst is a bit of a stretch. You want strong teams, I get that, and I also get that you want balanced teams. But get real here – what are the odds losers like me and Sakura would get paired with the great Uchiha?
Answer, realistically? Pretty close to zero, unless the academy teachers understood Sasuke a lot better then I think they did. Sasuke came first with Kakashi and Sensei basically allowed Sakura and I to hang around. Nothing Sasuke would have done would have failed him, but Sakura and I could have gone back to school fast.
Nice, huh? To this day I'm sure Kakashi only took all three of us because Sasuke shared his lunch before Sakura did. Our Jonin decided then and there that our presence would benefit the last Uchiha, maybe humanize him a little. And that's what I think, you know, that team seven was really nothing more than a snap decision on Kakashi's part. For all I know he had – or will have to explain himself to the council for forcing dear Sasuke to share his Sensei with a pair of losers.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't like taking that sort of risk. It just made more sense to make sure Kakashi realized Sakura and I have some value outside of being headcount to bring Sasuke's team up to three members. I think I had to prove my point to Sasuke and I also think that by suggesting to Kakashi that Sakura and I were something other than useless, that maybe Emo doesn't have to be alone.
Anyway, we did some other stuff that afternoon, then Sasuke, Sakura and I walked back towards his place. Slow but steady to win the race.
After Sakura turned off towards her house the real conversation began. Sasuke as usual was blunt.
"Why did you save the pink one?"
"You saved her before I did, Sasuke. I was just playing along with you."
Sasuke doesn't like people answering his questions with inconvenient facts. "Why?"
"Because you backed her." I grinned at him, somewhat sardonic. As far as Sasuke is concerned I can't even spell sardonic. "I'm choosing to trust you Sasuke. With those Uchiha eyes of yours I'm assuming you're a better judge of character then I am."
Try that on for size, not only do I know about your Sharingan, I'm treating you like a valued partner.
"She didn't do very well," he growled.
"You think?" Said it like I was surprised he felt that way. "She did better than I thought she would. Though I guess it'd be hard not to." Shook my head. "I don't know, maybe we can salvage her, teach her something. If she could learn some support skills she might not be a disaster."
Sasuke grunted. Same deal as before, when he figures the conversation is getting ahead of him he retreats into his shell. I pretended not to notice and did a little more messing with his mind.
Gave him a good heavy sigh. "I've been worrying about Sakura since before I got my headband."
I slipped it into a conversation casually, and Sasuke caught it, just as expected.
"You've only known she'd be on your team since yesterday." One of these annoyingly precise types. I hate that kind.
"I knew the teams in advance, man." Said it vaguely, like it wasn't important.
Sasuke decided it was important.
"What do you mean? You knew what the teams were going to be?" As in, if he didn't know, how could I? He's more intrigued then he wants to be at just how much I 'know' from using ninja techniques on my own village.
"The teams?" I made sure to look a little surprised at the question. "You're the best in the class, I wanted you as a partner. I broke into the offices that night to make sure we were on the same team. I was going to change it if I had to, but thankfully they paired the best in the class, you, with the worst in the class, me, so I didn't have to change anything."
"You were in there, selecting the teams?"
This is like shooting fish in a barrel.
"Yep. I'd figured someone on the staff might fail to assign me to any team at all. Fortunately it looks like the Hokage came through for me. For us both actually; I'm a hell of a lot stronger than anyone else you might get paired with." I actually stopped him, so I could look him in the eye. "I can beat any of them, just like you."
That wasn't relevant at the moment, because it didn't affect him as much as number one fan girl being on his team. And he was actually angry.
"If you were in there how did we get the rosette? You could have gotten Shino!"
He said it like I was an idiot. Shino, huh? That's an interesting choice. I would have sworn he'd go for Kiba. That said, how can he be this unobservant? Talk about living in your own little world. Although he did accept that I was there, even when I hadn't been.
I think that Falcon scroll paid off. I don't need him to like me, but he has to trust me.
Even when I'm making things up.
"It had to be a Kunoichi, Sasuke. All the teams are mixed. I looked it up, the last time there was a three man cell straight out of the academy was during the war, because there weren't enough Kunoichi to go around. As long as there's at least one of them for two of us ever team includes a Kunoichi I heard it was to impress the other villages with how many Kunoichi we have."
Dude, you should know this. No wonder the guy was such easy pickings for Orochimaru. Sasuke had the most sheltered upbringing in the village. Everyone did everything for him, including his thinking. He honestly doesn't understand that most people don't get to dedicate themselves to one single task in life.
The rest of us have to eat and so forth.
Anyway, I gave Sasuke a dirty look. "Besides, you think I chose her? Far as I'm concerned there were only three to choose from, the rosette, the Hyuga and Ino. You know all the rest are going back for remedial. I wanted Ino but her old man was part of some super team back in the day with Shikamaru and Chouji's dads, so they put those ones all on the same team. Someone would have noticed if I'd switched her. As for the Hyuga-"
It's hard for me to even say her name.
"-She has serious family baggage and she's also a close combat type, just like you and I. Besides, there's no way they'd two ocular types on the same team."
Sasuke gives me a look. Damn his poker face is good, the guy could make a fortune at cards. He wasn't convinced, so I gave him my secret information look and lowered my voice.
"Besides Sasuke," totally serious here, "Taking her is the worst form of clan politics. There are rumors her old man wants her dead so he can make the younger sister his heir. We don't want to get in the middle of that, especially me."
I hope your little wheels are turning, Sasuke. I'm a shinobi, I'm a tool to kill people and a tool to be thrown away. You have intrinsic value, I don't. Do the math, who would Hyuga approach to make sure his daughter doesn't come back from some routine mission?
All of this is new information to you, isn't it? Or course, all of it would have been new to me, but I'm an idiot that nobody trusted. Sasuke is supposed to be our best and brightest.
"I keep my ear to the ground, Sasuke. Guys like Hyuga would love to see me and my passenger dead, so I try to stay current on what they're thinking." Straighted up a little, can't give him too much darkness in one shot, it will only make him emo or something. "Nah, trust me, the rosette might be useless but she'll at least stay out of our way. The Kunoichi I really wanted was Ten Ten-"
"Who?"
Come on, Uchiha, pay attention. No wonder you got so messed up.
"She graduated last year. Weapons master, specializes in throwing. She'd have been awesome for us, but she wasn't available." I carefully scratched my chin. "We should be on the watch for that one, Sasuke. She's perfect for us. Maybe you could approach the Hokage about having her reassigned?"
Poker face again.
"Right. Something for the future then."
I've got several months left to work on Sasuke, so that's probably enough progress for today. What shocks me most was that I'd originally overlooked this. When I was his age Sakura was my world, and the rosette never even placed on Sasuke's radar.
Pity he didn't take the bait about Ten Ten. He still figured he could get his choice of shinobi to replace the rosette.
We reached the point where I turned off towards my place.
"See you tomorrow, Sasuke."
The next day we started into business. D ranked missions, as fun and exciting as ever. I did them myself, mostly, though I had a few (a lot of) strategically placed clones around the village. That's the plan, no one is ever going to know I can crank out shadow clones by the thousands this time around. From now on I'm going to know a lot more about what's going on around me.
When Project Phoenix starts I'm going to know about it.
Clones are very useful. For example, I have thirty of them doing some very important work involving the Hyuga clan head. One of them tipped me off in time and I called up another to swap out with behind some trees.
"Finish the mission and tell the others you've got something to do. Then go around a corner and disappear."
"Right boss." The clone grinned at me. "Enjoy yourself."
"Oh I will. Believe it."
Henged into nobody in particular and walked away. Have to see a man about a confession.
It was a late Thursday afternoon when the head of the Hyuga clan demanded an immediate audience with the third Hokage More from curiositythan anything else, Sarutobi granted the audience.
Hyuga offered no pleasantries when he stormed into the room, his daughter trailing behind him. "Lord Hokage, I demand you do something about that wretched brat of yours!"
Ah. Naruto.
"Naruto? What has he done this time?"
"He's-" The Hyuga went red in the face.
"Answers Hyuga. I may be alone in respecting the fourth Hokage's wishes, but I assure you, I won't punish the boy for no reason."
"My word as head of the Hyuga clan is not enough?"
The Hokage went so far as to take off his hat.
"No."
The Hyuga knew when to back off. The old fool had one major blind spot and the demon child was it. Unfortunately he was a powerful old fool.
"If you must know the gory details Sarutobi, that animal-"
The Hokage stood up.
"You may address Naruto by name or as the boy, Hyuga, but you will not call him an animal in my presence again, is that understood?"
"Very well, Sarutobi," snarled the Hyuga. "That boy of yours has targeted my wife! He's running a campaign of terror against my wife, Sarutobi! After brutally assaulting me without provocation!"
The Hyuga girl finally found her voice. "H-he attacked you because y-you slapped me, father."
"Be silent!"
"No child," said the Hokage. "I'd like to hear this. Your father is one of the most powerful shinobi in the village. How on earth could a boy like Naruto be any match for him, Hyuga-san?"
"He s-surprised father with a c-cock punch j-jutsu."
"A cock punch jutsu."
"He hit f-father in th-"
"Hinata!"
"S-sorry father."
"Yes, Sarutobi, it's extremely amusing! Your boy hit me with a cheap sneak attack, then kicked me while I was down! Then he began a campaign of terror against my wife! I had the entire branch family chasing his damned clones and not a one of them could catch him! But I know that - wait a moment! They call you The Professor, don't they Sarutobi! Well as the Professor, master of more jutsu than any other shinobi in the village, surely you must be familiar with the Amazing Naruto and his Awesome Collection of Ass-tastic jutsu? Perhaps you even taught the Amazing Naruto his Amazing Ass-Tastic jutsu! At first I laughed off the letter of challenge, but it became harder to do when three days ago my wife became a virtual prisoner of her own home Sarutobi! She can't even open the windows!"
"Calm down Hyuga-san."
"I will not calm down! I refuse to calm down! The other day my wife went for a walk in her private garden only to discover two dozen clones standing on the garden walls! The clones immediately dropped their pants and aimed their cheeks at my wife, Sarutobi! the poor woman was so frightened she ran inside to hide!"
"Well, in the face of-"
"Oh, but it wasn't the face, Sarutobi! It wasn't the face at all!"
"Your wife is a Jonin shinobi-"
"My wife is too emotionally battered to leave the house! She tried to open the window to see if the wretch brat had gone away. The second she draws the blind fifteen clones shouted 'Pressed-Ham jutsu!' Do you know the Pressed-Ham jutsu, Professor? Perhaps you taught the brat yourself?"
"I'll admit I've never heard of a pressed ham-"
"The pressed ham," interrupted the Hyuga, "is anther of the amazing ass-tastic jutsu, Sarutobi, only this one involves a sheet of glass, such as the windows to my wifes private chambers! See, your boy takes his bloody bottom cheeks and presses them up against the glass, so my poor wife gets an extra good look! Fifteen clones per window, Sarutobi, all stacked up on top of each other! That's a lot of pressed ham Sarutobi!"
The Hokage considered this. "I wonder if Jiraiya invented that?" Sarutobi hadn't been able to help himself, the crack just came out!
Bwaw ha ha!
"I DON'T CARE WHO INVENTED IT!"
"Well I'll definitely have a word with the boy," said the Hokage, very seriously. "Some time next week perhaps-"
"NOW YOU DAMN FOSSILE!"
The Hokage shook his head. Two dozen clones had to be an exaggeration, and the Hyuga had been annoying him lately. "Oh, I can't do that, Hyuga, really, my schedule is far too tight."
"I'll kill him if I catch him again, Sarutobi, I'll kill him, I tell you!"
"Father caught up with N-Naruto last night," said the daughter, Hinata-san her name was.
The Hokage lowered his brows and leaned forward towards the clan head. "I assume you tried to reason with the boy, Hyuga? I'd be annoyed if you tried to do violence to Naruto."
"C-cock punch jutsu," supplied the girl.
"THAT'S ENOUGH FROM YOU! This is war, Sarutobi! I'll-"
"You'll do what, bitch?"
That was Naruto himself, sitting on the windowsill and glaring at the Hyuga clan head a way no twelve year old should have been able to. "You want a piece of me? You just try for it, I'll tear you apart. And just so you know, my next Ass-tastic jutsu is called the shit storm. You want a look at the shit storm jutsu, bitch? No? Then tell the Lord Hokage that I'm a better man then you."
Hyuga started towards the boy. Naruto didn't back away, he cracked his knuckles and waved the clan head forward.
"I'm gonna hurt you, Hyuga. I'm gonna hurt you like you've never been hurt before. Then I'm going to dump your sorry broken ass in the town square for everyone to see-"
The clan head stormed forward, so angry he forgot the Hokage entirely.
Which was a mistake, because Sarutobi hadn't forgotten him.
It had been a long time since the clan chief had seen Sarutobi angry, and longer since he'd felt that anger directed at him.
"Leave. The boy. Alone."
"Thanks for the assist Jiji but I've got this one, I'll tear this one apart with my bare hands-"
"Naruto, be quiet. Hyuga, you won't hit your daughter again, is that clear?"
"My daughter is-"
"DON'T say it, Lord Hyuga! Do I make myself clear? As for you, Naruto, you've made your point. Leave Hinata's mother alone."
The boy actually growled. "Yes, sir." Then he pointed a finger at the clan chief. "I'm watching you, Hyuga, I'm watching. The years will go by and I'm going to get stronger, and you're just going to get old. You hit that girl again and a talk with the Hokage won't be enough."
Sarutobi happened to notice the silent girl from the corner of his eye. She had her little hands clasped before her, her pearly Hyuga eyes wide in absolute adoration of her pint-sized whiskered hero.
This was going to be a problem.
Naruto disappeared in a sudden puff of smoke.
The Hokage sighed, squared his shoulders. "I trust matters are settled to your satisfaction, Hyuga?"
The clan chief glared at him.
"I would advise against crossing the boy again, Lord Hyuga. You'll find Naruto a stimulating opponent, and the pain he would cause you in terms of sheer embarrassment is greater than you might think."
"So help me, Sarutobi-"
The Hokage slammed his palm down on his desk. "Let me make myself perfectly transparent, Hyuga, if anything should happen to that boy through your actions you will find yourself answering to me, is that clear?" With the daughter in the room Sarutobi chose his words carefully. "You know what you owe his father."
The Hyuga's face darkened and he turned and stormed out. The little daughter bowed several times before excusing herself to follow.
Sarutobi sighed, reached for his pipe. Then he snapped his fingers.
An ANBU materialized, seemingly from nowhere.
"Who do you think would win in a battle between the Hyuga clan head and Naruto?"
The ANBU considered this.
"That would depend, sir. Naruto has no social status to lose, but the Hyuga has a great deal of it. Naruto knows how to attack that." The ANBU considered this. "I would have to put my money on Naruto sir, in anything short of an actual fight."
The Hokage nodded and the ANBU disappeared.
In anything short of an actual fight. Which Hyuga would use the Council to wage.
Naruto, you have picked the wrong enemy.
Except he was your enemy already, you just never knew.
That was the last trouble I had with old man Hyuga for awhile. He'd gladly have made a try for me, and I handily would have kicked his ass, but at the time he was a little more concerned about taking on the Hokage.
I winked at Hinata, which turned my stomach. The hatred she brings out in - I don't even know how I'm going to deal with her.
When did you decide, Hinata? When did it become a mission? And who gave the order?
Was any of it ever real?