THE NANNY

Disclaimer: I don't own anything/anyone you might recognize, this fic is strictly written for entertainment purposes, and no copyright infringement is intended AT ALL.

Title: The Nanny

Summary: Bella is thirty and struggling to find a job, and when she drunkenly stumbles upon Edward Cullen's doorstep, he mistakes her for a nanny and hires her. The only problem is that Edward Cullen has eight kids, each of them setting out from the start to make her job as hard as possible. Hilarity ensured!

Storytype: AU, All Human, OOC

Point Of View: Bella Swan

Genre: Romance/Humor/General

Rating: Fiction rated T

Warnings: Mild coarse language, mild sexual references, slight violence.

Chapter One: The One With All The Beer

Whoa. This is just… bad. Really, really bad. On a scale of one to ten I'd probably rate today as… a minus twenty-two. And it's not like I have really high standards.

'Would you please... reconsider?' I tried to keep the pleading note out of my voice, but I was practically begging now. I had probably been to twenty interviews today and I was still unemployed.

'I'm sorry, but you just don't fit my requirements.' the repulsive Mr. Albright smirked, bits of egg dangling precariously off the edge of his moustache. He was a beefy guy, with little neck and a balding spot on his head which he had covered with a truly horrifying comb over. I blame Donald Trump.

'What kind of requirements do you need to work in a paperclip distributor??' I exclaimed indignantly. Yes, I really was that desperate for a job. I've tried for the most bizarre jobs ever, and bad luck seems to follow me wherever I go. I've been to interviews for dog walkers, babysitters, shop assistants, fortune cookie writer, odd job journalist, and so much more. And now I'm so desperate I'm actually begging to work at a paperclip distributor, for God's sake.

Mr. Albright narrowed his eyes. 'I'm sorry, Isabella, but I've no need for any other employees here at my very successful business.'

I slumped down in my chair, sitting opposite of Mr. Albright, who was so large that he seemed rather squashed behind his desk, and his stomach was drooping out obscenely.

'Thanks,' I muttered, and stood up to leave, feeling utterly depressed.

'Take this complimentary box of paperclips, then.' Mr. Albright tossed me a small plastic box, and I caught it swiftly, exiting his small, cramped office. I stepped out onto a pavement, and started walking back home, sighing all the way.

What on earth is wrong with me? Do I have the words 'DO NOT EMPLOY' stamped on my chest, or something? Who knew it was so hard to get a job after you've been fired? My mood soured even more when I thought of my previous job. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I quit. The reason? My "boss" had reached around me when I was typing some shit and stuck his tongue in my ear. Needless to say, I kicked him where the sun don't shine and left him groaning on the floor as I left the building.

The flat me and Alice shared together was a few blocks away, and my mood dampened even further when I thought of telling Alice the bad news. She was the one who had gone through millions of Classifieds everyday just to help me.

Don't give up yet, Bella. There might be still hope.

I surreptitiously passed by a small pub tucked between a noisy video shop and a hairdressers and eyed the pub wistfully. A sudden craving for a cold, hard glass of beer rose within me. The thing was, I wasn't very good at holding down my liquor. In fact, I was terrible at it. I usually avoided anything even slightly alcoholic at all costs. The consequences usually doubled in my case. Like I got a hangover twice as agonizing.

I shot the door of the bar another look.

Well, maybe just this once…

--

Two hours later, and I was stone cold drunk, dancing on the bar with a beer bottle in my hands, taking occasional swigs. 'Whoo!' I screamed. There wasn't much people in the bar, I was probably the only one making any unnecessary noise. I danced along to the Spice Girl's 'Wannabe', gyrating my hips. 'I'm king of the world!' several people tittered.

'Keep it down, lady,' the bartender shushed, frowning.

'I don't need to keep it down! I'm thirty, I'm hot and I'm having fun tonight-- WHOA!' I slipped and fell on the ground face-first. Scattered applause congratulated me, along with several whoops of 'Nice ass!'.

Ouch. Ugh.

I felt my cell phone buzz in my pocket, and I let out a loud groan before answering it. It was a very worried Alice. 'Hmploo??' I mumbled into the mouthpiece, picking myself up.

'BELLA!' Alice's voice exploded. I winced and held the phone away. I could still hear Alice shrieking. 'BELLA! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?? IT'S TEN AND YOU AREN'T BACK YET!'

'I'm in Germany,' I mumbled. 'Hold your thongs, I'm coming back…' I staggered up, trying to hold myself steady. My head swam uncontrollably. 'Ugh…' I moaned. 'Goodbye, boys… see you laterrrr…' I waved, and stumbled out. Oh, God, that's the last time I ever drink that heavily again…

I squinted in the sudden darkness. Since when was night this gloomy? No one was on the street where I was. Hmm. Where was I, again? Somewhere… here…

The ground was shaking like a Tilt-A-Whirl below my feet, and my arms reached out to steady myself. I clutched onto a lamp post, groaning. Jesus. I really, really need a taxi… I scanned the road for any yellow cabs, but for some stupid reason there wasn't a single cab around. 'Hello??' my voice reverberated throughout the whole street. Creepy.

I walked along unsteadily for a few more blocks, stopping every once so often to catch my breath. Building by building passed by, and I assumed that it was possibly midnight already. The moon was glimmering behind a thin film of clouds, and it cast an eerie glow all over the (empty) streets. I had absolutely no idea where I was. Should I call Alice now? Nah, I'd probably get yelled at again…

I passed by a row of large, neat houses. Houses? Where was I? These were huge, three-storeys high with an actual garden to boot. Could I possibly stay over at one of them for one night? Alice would probably murder me to an inch of my pathetic life. My head gave an agonizing throb, and I pushed open the gate of a random house with one of their lights still on. I leaned against the door and started knocking. 'Open up, please!' I yelled out, desperately needing a toilet, and right on cue my bladder gave a twinge.

The door abruptly opened, and I stumbled inside, blinking against the sudden bright light. Oh God, it was killing me. I shielded my eyes against the fluorescent gleam, and peered. Even in my total state of drunkenness, I could see that the person who had just opened the door was a complete GOD. His bright, bronze tousled hair was glinting in the light, and his warm brown eyes were staring down at me, concerned. I couldn't help but notice that his thin white cotton shirt seemed to have lost it's top three buttons, and it was showcasing quite a delicious amount of chest. Um.

'I'm sorry, I--' I hurriedly stuttered an apology. This was such a bad idea…

'Are you the new nanny?' he asked, a voice as velvety as… erm, velvet. Being drunk did nothing to assist my brain, it seemed.

'What?'

'Great, I've been waiting for you for hours.' he sighed, clearly relieved, and closed the door firmly. The hall I had just stumbled into was neatly furnished. 'Come along now, your bed's waiting for you upstairs. You start work the day after tomorrow.'

'Wait, I'm not--' I stopped myself. 'Bed?'

'Yes, bed, third floor, next to the twin's bedroom. You've been here before, you obviously know where it is…' Edward led me up a flight of staircases. I stared after him, trying to find the words to explain this man what predicament I was in.

Well...

Stop it now, Bella, before you get stuck in a shitty situation. Like that time I almost burned me and Alice's flat down because I was fiddling around with a small lighter. Or like that time I accidentally knocked down Rosalie's porcelain vase that belonged to her great, great-grandmother. Which reminds me, it wasn't until I knocked it down then Alice, Rosalie and me found out that it contained Rosalie's great, great-grandmother, too. She was vacuuming her carpet for weeks.

Or maybe, just one night. I really, really need a bed, anyhow.

'I'm Edward Cullen, but you can call me Edward.' Edward turned and smiled. I nearly fell down the stairs in shock; I had never seen anyone with this level of astonishing beauty. Why wasn't he on the cover of GQ? Damnit, he was prettier than me!

'What's your name, by the way?'

'I'm Bella.' at least I managed to remember my name.

'Well, Bella, I hope you enjoy your new job as our nanny.

'Yes, well.' I managed to say. The strap of my purse was cutting into my shoulder, and I just wanted to lie down and never wake up.

'The kids are asleep for now, you'll be taking care of them tomorrow. I have everything tacked up in your room, all you need to do is read them and you'll be good to go.' Edward told me, and I nodded along, not sure what he was talking about. I pictured a soft, snuggly bed in my head, and let out a soft sigh, bones already aching with fatigue.

'Here…' Edward (God, I love his name) opened up a door opposite of the stairs, and I walked into a simply amazing room. If this was where nannies sleep, then sign me up. It was even better than my current room! The bed was particularly eye-catching, it was four-poster with multicolored drapes dangling from them. The room was sparsely decorated, with a small dresser beside the bed, a writing table and a large wardrobe. And it had wall-to-wall carpeting. Wall-to-wall carpeting!!

'I hope you like it. Get some sleep -- you look utterly spent. The kids won't be here tomorrow, they're over at their mother's. They'll be here the day after tomorrow, so I'll give you the day off tomorrow. Where's your clothes?' he asked curiously, surveying my empty hands.

'I, um…' I fished around for something plausible to say. 'I lost them in a terrible fire.'

He stared, startled.

'Or maybe I'll just bring them in tomorrow.'

'Okay.' Edward nodded. 'Well, good night.'

'G'night.' I all but collapsed on the bed, barely removing my pointy boots. Oh, this is pure heaven. And to think a sex god is sleeping in the same building as me.

I can deal with everything else tomorrow.

--

Oh, my God. This is torturous. My head was pounding like a drum. My eyes were gummed together and I had to rub furiously to get them open. My limbs were aching and my skin was dry. Ouch. Where was I, again? It seemed like I was asking myself that question very frequently, recently. I tried to remember what had happened last night, but all I came up with was a total blank.

I looked around me, and nothing seemed familiar. Large room, elegant furnishings. Fear gripped me. Was I kidnapped? Was I raped yesterday? I let out a small scream and fell off the bed. 'Mmpgh,'

My cell phone vibrated somewhere, and I groggily plucked it from my pocket, answering it, not even bothering to check the screen. 'Hellogh?'

'Bella!' Alice cried with relief. 'You're alive!'

'Yeah,' I confirmed. 'Don't ask me where I am, I have no idea myself.'

Alice started laughing weakly. 'Typical Bella.'

'I'll be home soon, I promise.'

'Did you get a job?'

I stayed silent. 'What?? Can't hear you, Alice! Sorry, the line's breaking up! I'll be back in a short while!' I ended the call, and picked myself up from the carpeted floor. I blinked rapidly, and hurried over to a mirror propped on the dresser beside the bed. I looked like Amy Winehouse on a bad hair day. I even scared myself. My hair was a mess, there was dried drool on the side of my mouth, and my breath stank like hell. I rubbed my mouth vigorously, and made my way downstairs.

I still had no idea who's house this was. I stepped into the living room, and saw a gorgeous man in his thirties, sipping a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper. 'Hello,' I said, surprised.

'Oh, morning, Bella.' he greeted, smile fading when he saw my bedraggled state. 'The bathroom's upstairs, if you need a wash.' he said delicately.

Suddenly, everything came rushing back. The nanny, being drunk, new beds, gorgeous men, Edward… 'Oh, shit.' I muttered.

'I assume you're going to go get your clothes now?' Edward said, raising an eyebrow.

'I'm sorry, but…' I stood awkwardly in front of him, and he looked up at me, puzzled, on his seat. 'I'm not your nanny. This is all just a really, really big mistake, and I'm sorry I spent the night here, but I'm… not right for the job.' I finished, nervously twiddling my fingers.

Edward lowered his cup of coffee. 'What?'

'It's just that…' I trailed off.

'How could you not want a job that pays you $2500 a month?' Edward demanded, standing up.

Hold on.

'Two thousand and five hundred?' I repeated, feeling faint.

'Yes.'

Looks like I've just found myself a new job. Ha! Against all odds. I felt delirious with happiness. Looks like getting drunk and bunking in someone else's house was a blessing, after all. And I've babysitted all my teenage life, being a nanny should be a piece of cake.

'Um… Haha! Just a joke, Mr. Cullen.' I said brightly, beaming. He looked taken aback. 'April-- er, March Fools!'

'You were joking?' he asked.

'Yes, of course I was! I mean, couldn't you tell?' he probably thinks I'm the weirdest nanny he ever hired. But two hundred and fifty thousand? I'd kill for that! To think I stumbled on this job by mistake. And I can handle a few kids! Come on!

'Well, good.' he looked relieved. 'I've been searching high and low for you and when you agreed, I couldn't be more thrilled. Not many people would want this job.' Edward grinned, and my heart might've just stopped for a few seconds there.

'How come? I mean, it's just a nanny job,' I said.

'The thing is, I have eight kids, but you probably already knew that, so…' Edward smiled a little embarrassedly. 'Thanks a lot.'

'Eight kids?' I repeated, horror-struck.

'Yes. It isn't a problem, right? The agency said that you were fine with it, and that you had taken care of worse.' he said anxiously.

'No, not at all.' I said hastily, heart beating erratically. God, he was gorgeous even when his brows creased in worry. Why are all the perfect men in the world taken? Was he even straight? A man this beautiful could just be gay. Just my luck.

But back to the main problem.

Eight kids. Did I just agree to be a nanny to eight kids?

Oh, shit me.

Author's Note: It's gets better later on, trust me. Imagine the hilarity that ensues with eight kids. So stick with the story, and possibly review to tell me what you think!