The Things We Regret

Part 1 – Beautiful

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Summary: Serena van der Woodsen isn't always herself. And she's not too beautiful when she isn't.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl. But I will, I tell you! MUAHAHAHAHA! *cough*

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So you really want to know? I'll tell you the whole dirty truth. It won't be easy, but it won't be hard, either.

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Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder why people say I'm beautiful.

Actually, I do it all the time.

Every blonde-haired, blue eyed person is declared beautiful. It was like that during World War II. Hitler saw it that way. Nate, Jenny, and I? We would have been the beautiful ones. Chuck, Blair, Vanessa, and Dan? They would have been the undesirables, the untouchables. The ones with dirty blood. They were the ones to be considered better off dead.

I am not beautiful. I am a monster.

Being beautiful requires so much more than blonde hair or blue eyes. I've done too many things, made so many mistakes. I can't change who I've already become. The person that I've already been molded into isn't going away. That person is ugly. I shudder when I look at her in the mirror. She's waiting to take over, waiting to find Serena's vulnerability. It may be when I meet someone new. It may be when I try to seek revenge.

She drinks, she parties, and she sleeps around. She's still there, waiting. And although I have not been her for a long while, every person has a moment of weakness. She's on the prowl for that weakness. One day she'll find it, and I'll be her once more. Maybe for a day, a week, a month. I'm not really sure. I would blame it on the fact that I've grown up around temptations, but I think this is how I was meant to be. I'm meant to be a reckless person. I'm meant to be a horrible friend to Blair. The people I know deserve so much more from me, but the Serena I want to be doesn't know how to show that.

One day I'll be able to overcome her. I don't know when that day is, but I'll be strong enough that day. I'll be strong enough to come through as Serena van der Woodsen, the girl who's done battling her demons. I can't wait to be that Serena.

But until I become her, I'll smile through the bad days, and try to be happy with what I have. For better or for worse, Serena is going to make her comeback. And soon.

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Author's Note: Well, here's the first part of this story. There's only seven parts, and they are in no relation to one another. They are each from a specific character's point of view. Next up is Dan. Just so you know, Blair and Chuck are coming at the very end. I know I'm mean. XD

Reviews, please! I will love you for it. Thanks, Cass