Disclaimer: the Sookie Stackhouse Series is the creation of Charlaine Harris. Don't sue me Charlaine! I love your books.

I.

I sighed as I took off my apron, set aside my order pad and pen and prepared to leave for the day. It was already the second week of January and I'd worked every day the past week, some days a shift and a half. My feet ached and I was tired to the bone. Coming to terms with the idea that I might never get paid for my work in Rhodes for the Queen of Louisiana, I was determined to save money to assure I'd have my property taxes and insurance covered and a nest egg for those unforeseen expenses that always seemed to pop up. As I removed my purse from a shelf in Sam's office, Sam looked up and regarded me quietly. I stiffened, sensing he was headed into unwelcome territory.

"Sookie, are you really doing okay?" he questioned gently. Sam had been saying all week that I was not myself.

"I'm fine thanks, just tired" I replied, trying to keep any edge out of my voice.

"Sookie, I really think you're working too much. Can't you take it a bit easier?" he said.

"I need the money, Sam. I never got paid for my work in Rhodes and all that time off work with no compensation means I really need the income. I've got bills to pay. I'll be fine. Really."

"Well," he asked in a gingerly fashion, "what does Eric say about the money the Queen owed you?"

I stiffened. "I haven't talked to Eric in weeks, Sam. Before the takeover, he had asked Sophie-Anne, or someone in her retinue about the payment but there was no response. I'm not assuming that Felipe's going to pay off her debts and I'm not asking Eric about it again because I don't want him paying me because it isn't his debt." I'd lost my battle with sounding edgy and in fact, I felt like I was on the verge of tears. Between financial worries and not having spoken to any vampire, let alone Eric, in weeks, I was not in a happy frame of mind.

"I'm headed home, " I said brusquely. "Don't worry about me, Sam, I'm fine."

Sam hesitated. "Sookie, Eric called the other day asking you to call him. I gave you the message. Didn't you call him back?"

"Honestly, I haven't had time, Sam. Besides, was it really Eric or was it Pam? Or Clancy? Or Felicia? " Oh, I hated myself in that moment, sounding like a whining child! "It must not have been important because they didn't call back. One less problem for me to deal with then…." I turned on my heel and walked out of the office, not even giving Sam a chance to reply.

It was already well past dusk as I went to my car. It was quite cold and I shivered in the chilly mid-January air. I closed my eyes and inhaled. The air smelled crisp and cool and almost like it would snow. Snow. Eric would like snow. That thought plunged me right back into a dark place. I felt like slapping myself, but instead just got into the car, started the engine and headed toward Hummingbird Lane.

As I drove I thought about my resolutions for the New Year. Not too different from last year. Resolved: no getting beaten up, shot at, or bombed. No more getting hurt. I thought about adding 'no boyfriends' to the list because that situation was certainly not a promising one. Talk about getting hurt… Between my experience with Bill and Quinn, I was seriously questioning my judgment in the boyfriend department. My mind slipped back into thinking about Eric and I groaned. I seriously needed to snap out of it.

I arrived at home to find the porch light on already and a few lights on inside. I drove around the back, parked and entered through the kitchen. Octavia had been in Shreveport for the past couple of days, staying with friends. Amelia's car was still there, though. Everything sounded quiet in the house, however, and I found a note on the kitchen table from Amelia. "Out with Tray". I sighed. Maybe it was better to be alone. After all, even Amelia seemed to be walking on eggshells with me lately. I'd snapped at her just this morning. I flashed back on my conversation with Sam and felt a tinge of regret that I had sounded so curt with him.

I went to my room and changed out of my uniform, put on a pair of worn, soft jeans, and a light pink sweater. Old, but soft and comfortable. I brushed my hair out of its ponytail and looked at myself in the mirror for several minutes. My eyes filled with tears. I just hated the way I was feeling these days. I felt like I was caught in a whirlpool and getting sucked down… into what? "What's wrong with you?" I said to my own reflection.

I went to the kitchen with every intention of having something to eat but found I just had no appetite. I put on the radio and started cleaning the refrigerator instead. A rather unnecessary task with a roommate like Amelia, but hey, I just wanted to keep myself busy. "Where were you a year ago?" the announcer blared on the radio. Time to change that station. I settled on another channel with soft and soothing pop.

Humming along with the radio, I moved on to dusting. Again, mostly unnecessary. I picked up a porcelain bird that had been a favorite of Gran's and was overwhelmed with an immense feeling of sorrow and loss. I missed her, missed the simple feeling of being loved, so much. I began to feel flooded with sadness. I just felt hollow, empty. The radio began playing "What If You". "What if you, Could wish me away , What if you, Spoke those words today, Wonder if you'd miss me, When I'm gone, It's come to this, release me …" Thank you, but no! not right now… and I burst into tears. I strode across the living room to the kitchen and abruptly turned the radio off. Tears streamed down my face. I tried to pull myself together, taking a deep breath.

A sharp knock at the front door startled me. I hesitated, but walked toward the door. I wasn't expecting anyone.

"Who is it?" I asked a bit unsteadily.

"Sookie, it's me" answered Pam. I glanced through the peephole and sure enough, Pam cool, pale face was on the other side.

I sighed, groaning a bit internally. I brushed my eyes and cheeks with my sweater sleeves over my hands and forced a smile onto my face. I opened the door, surprised to find Pam dressed for work at Fangtasia in a black leather dress. Her hair was pulled up. Even though it was freezing, she wasn't wearing a jacket. I swept my arms in a gesture to her, as if to say come in. Pam was a vampire whose invitation to my home had never yet been rescinded. We were, in a weird way, friends.

"Hi Pam, Happy New Year" I said trying to sound chipper and smiling broadly.

She walked in, regarding me carefully, but without comment. After a moment she glanced around as if looking for Amelia.

"Amelia's out for the evening" I offered quickly.

"The Were?" Pam countered, with a look of distaste on her face.

I hesitated. Amelia's date was her business, but I knew she did count Pam as something of a friend. Vampires disliked Weres and I didn't want to say anything that might lessen Pam's regard for Amelia.

"I see," said Pam, immediately taking my hesitation for confirmation.

"So what brings you to Bon Temps, Pam?" I replied quickly in an attempt to steer the subject away.

"Well, Eric sent me to collect you. I'm taking you to Fangtasia, to talk with him." She said this firmly and clearly, as if it was an established fact and that I had no choice in the matter. She crossed her arms to signify that she was not going to take "no" for an answer.

"Well, I appreciate that you may be 'doing his bidding' Pam, but I really don't appreciate the thought that I'll just drop doing whatever I'm doing and go off with no notice." I held my breath, seeing how that was going to go over.

"Sookie, Eric's been calling you for days and you don't reply. We know from the Shifter that you've gotten at least one of the messages and I spoke to Amelia at dusk. You're coming with me to Shreveport, now, tonight. I don't think that cleaning is a good enough reason to say no. And I think you ought to think about how you're going to be explaining ignoring Eric's calls."

I absorbed what she was saying. Had she been watching me from the outside, through the windows? Had she seen me in tears? Damn! And what other calls? Suddenly my insides lurched. I hadn't had my cell phone turned on for days. Amelia told me when I breezed through the kitchen this morning that I had to return phone messages. I had barely listened and left for Merlotte's without eating breakfast, and without even replying to Amelia. I walked over to the answering machine in the corner of the room to see two messages saved on the machine and several notes in Amelia's clear, broad handwriting:

______________________________________________________________________________

Sookie- Calls

Eric called. Said he left message on your cell. Wants you to call back.

Eric called. Message on machine. Sounds pissed.

Would you please check your cell phone? Message from Eric on machine.

Pam called. Says hi. Says you better call Eric. Might come tonight.

______________________________________________________________________________

So Amelia's going out tonight now looked as an attempt to avoid Pam's arrival and being drawn into the whole situation. Great. But she had tried to tell me about the messages. And I couldn't blame her for not wanting to tell me outright that Eric had been calling. I'd been so moody of late. The last time she had even mentioned Eric and Pam, I'd burst into tears and left the room.

I glanced over at Pam and felt sheepish. "I haven't had my cell phone on in days and it seems that Amelia took some messages. She mentioned them, but I guess I really wasn't paying attention."

"Save it for Eric, Sookie.," she said, waving her hand. She looked at me intently. "What's up with you? You don't look well." She hesitated, as if trying to decide whether to continue. "You should change. You're not suitably dressed for the bar."

"Well, I didn't know I was going to be going to the bar," I countered angrily.

"Come on, Sookie. You are going to the bar. Change. Brush your hair. Try to make the effort to clean yourself up. It will cheer you up. If I take you looking like this, it will only make you feel worse. And… wash your face." That did it. She clearly knew I'd been crying. Great.

I hesitated. "Why do I have to go tonight? Is this some business thing?"

"Whatever business it may be, Eric isn't discussing it with me. He's discussing it with you."

I sighed. Okay. I'd change and go. I simply didn't have the energy to argue with Pam about it anyway.

I walked back to the bedroom and stripped off the old sweater and jeans. Standing in my underwear, I stared into my closet, and then at my dresser, unsure of what I wanted to wear.

"Sookie, you've really lost weight," Pam said from behind me. I jumped. I didn't know if I'd ever get used to vampires and their quiet stealth. I didn't reply.

I thought about wearing a dress, but that whole idea made me mad. Damned if I was going to dress up for a man I hadn't spoken to in a month, even if he had tried to call me. I still wasn't even sure if he was calling me, or if Amelia's messages meant that Pam had been calling me for Eric. That whole idea annoyed me. But she had specified that Pam had called in one of the messages. What did Eric want anyway? Probably just more work. Well, that was good because I could frankly use the money. Maybe work for Felipe. I shivered uneasily at that thought and then pulled a pair of black denims and a red scoop necked sweater out of my dresser and put them on. Pam followed me to the bathroom and watched as I ran the hairbrush through my hair. I brushed my teeth, washed my face a bit, put on a clear lip gloss, and turned around to look at her.

"Okay, I'm ready to go."

Pam looked unsure. She was used to my taking much more care of my appearance than this. She hesitated as if to say something, but she turned to leave the room instead.

I went to the closet in the kitchen and retrieved my jacket. After turning off some of the lights around the living room and writing a quick note for Amelia, who would worry if she came back to find me not home, Pam and I went out the front door.

It was cold and the air still smelled as if it could snow. I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them and turned, I was surprised to find that Pam had driven Eric's car. She very amusingly opened the passenger side door and motioned for me to get in, carefully closing the door after me. If I had been in a better mood, I would have laughed, because it seemed as if she was on a real mission to do Eric's bidding in careful fashion just as Eric would have done. She even checked to make sure I put my seat belt on before roaring off. These vampires really did drive like racecar drivers….

We barely chatted on the way to Shreveport, more my doing than Pam's. She asked me how Jason was doing but I firmly squelched that topic, saying that I didn't know and didn't have any interest in calling him. Sensing that was a dead end, she asked me about Merlotte's. After a few single word answers, she gave up talking and settled into a silent drive. Shortly before we got to Fangtasia, she surprised me by saying,

"You know Sookie, you need to take better care of yourself. You seem very unhappy. It shows all over you."

I stared at her. "Why thank you, Pam," I replied with a cold tone. "I'll just have to keep that little suggestion in mind."

She chuckled as she pulled up around the back of the bar. "That's more like the Sookie, I know," she said with a wink.

She got out of the car, but I sat in the seat for a few moments longer, quavering internally. I really didn't want to get out. I felt very conflicted. Part of me was so angry at myself because I really wanted to see Eric. Another part of me was afraid, both because I hadn't returned his calls and because…. I really wanted to see Eric. I sighed heavily, feeling tired and vulnerable, got out of the car, and followed Pam through the employee entrance and into the bar.