Funny Thing Is, It's No Joke

By: CrystallicSky

Disclaimer: I don't own Xiaolin Showdown/any of its characters or the dirty jokes (but they're public domain, so...)

Warnings: Sexual innuendo/references, language.

Two couples, the Spicers and the Youngs, were rather close. One day, they decided to go on vacation together, and arranged to spend the three-day weekend at a very high-end hotel.

Once there, Mrs. Young suggested a partner swap to perhaps spice up the weekend. Her husband, Chase, was satisfied with this idea, as Wuya was becoming a bit boring to him, and so readily agreed with the idea. Ashley Spicer also found it agreeable, as she had only married Jack for his money, and found sex with him relatively unappealing.

Having already checked into their hotel, each then went to their rooms with their new partner and immediately began having sex, which was passionate and heated.

After about an hour, Chase turned to his new bed-partner and opined, "That was wonderful, the best sex I've had in years: we should have done this sooner. How do you suppose Wuya and Ashley are getting on?"

Jack grinned at him cheekily, straddling the other man's waist to indicate he was ready to go again as he scoffed, "Who the fuck cares?"

--

As the secretary of the bank's president, Jack Spicer was the natural choice to meet with the bank's most valued client, a very rich Chinese man by the name of Chase Young.

In the middle of their dinner together, during which financial matters were being discussed, Jack was stunned to be met with a marriage proposal. Now, Chase was not ugly by any means, and though it probably wouldn't be all that bad to be married to him, it was, admittedly, a bit sudden; Jack decided he would reject the offer.

However, he had to be careful about how he did it, because if he was too harsh, then the man would surely cease all business with his bank, and he did not want to lose his job, so he'd have to think of a clever way to dissuade the client from wanting to marry him.

Thinking quickly, he said, "I'll only marry you under three conditions. Number one, I want a seventy-five carat diamond ring and a two-hundred-carat choker to match." He'd never use the jewelry, but it was a good obstacle for avoiding the marriage.

Undaunted by this, Chase nodded and agreed, "Very well; you shall have it."

Jack cursed internally: that'd been too easy a condition! He would have to try something harder. "Secondly, I want you to build me a mansion in New York with one hundred rooms, and a vacation home in the middle of the best wine country in France."

Again, without so much as a flinch, Chase took his cell phone from his pocket and made a few quick calls. In minutes, he snapped the phone shut again and assured, "We should be able to move in within a few months."

The young secretary had only one condition left, and so he took a moment to think on it, and finally came up with one; a really good, impossible one.

"I like sex," he said honestly. "If I'm gonna marry a guy, I want him to have a fourteen-inch cock."

And now, the beautiful Chinese man seemed disturbed, unwilling to make eye-contact as he instead looked to the floor, distress evident on his face. Eventually, he ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "I suppose…if you truly wish, I could cut it…"

Jack's eyes went wide at this statement, and he stood from his chair, snatching up Chase's hands with his own. "You know, two-out-of-three ain't bad; let's get married!"

--

Jack was surprised to find a complete stranger sit down in front of him at the sidewalk café.

"My name is Chase Young," the stranger said, "I'm gay. I'm twenty-two years old, I make 40 million dollars a year, I have at least six penthouses scattered across the globe, speak various foreign languages, and have a personal chef and a private jet."

"Um…" The goth blinked at the man for a moment in complete incomprehension. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Would you have sex with me right now for $100,000?"

Jack gaped at this before frowning. "I don't know who the hell you think you are or what you've heard, but I don't appreciate that kind of a joke! I don't carry that kind of money on me, dammit!"

Chase stared at him oddly; how had that been misconstrued? "…what if…it were for free?" he tried.

"Oh, well, then," the goth chirped, "that's different! Where's the nearest hotel?"

--

Jack had been in the computer business for four solid years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys a nice, quiet plot of land in China, as far away from humanity as possible. Jack sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet, just as he wanted. After about six months of isolation, someone knocks on his door just as he's finishing dinner. He opens it, and there before him is possibly the most handsome Chinese man he has ever seen.

"Hello," the man greeted, "I am Chase Young, your neighbor from a few miles over. I'm having a party this Saturday, and I thought you might like to come."

"Great," says Jack, "after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some new people; thank you!"

As Chase is leaving he stops and adds, "I feel I should warn you, there'll be plenty of drinking."

"Not a problem! I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Chase stops. "It's likely there'll be some fighting, as well."

Damn, Jack thinks, tough crowd. "Well," he eventually said, "I've been in fights before; I know how to weasel my way out of them. I'll still show up, but thanks for warning me."

Once again, the man turns from the door, only to stop and turn back. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now, that's not a problem," said Jack with a smile. "I've been alone for six months so wild sex sounds like the kind of party I could get into! I'll definitely be there. Oh, hey, wait, what should I wear to the party?"

Chase glanced at him casually over his shoulder and shrugged, "It doesn't really matter, it'll just be the two of us, anyway."

The young man stared at Chase oddly with this statement before posing, "So, no shorts, then?"

--

They made an engaging-looking couple in the swank restaurant. The older man was handsome, sophisticated, and obviously well-off; the man he was with was young, charming, and intelligent-looking.

As they read their menus, the older gentlemen asked his date for the evening what he would like to eat. Jack scanned the menu again, and said, "To start, I'll have two champagne cocktails, a dozen oysters on the half-shell, and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrées I'll have the fillet of English sole and pheasant under glass, plus an à la carte order of asparagus tips. As for dessert, they can just bring over the cart."

A bit surprised by his date's appetite and taste, Chase wondered aloud, "Do you eat this well at home, also?"

"No," Jack admitted slyly, "but nobody at home is trying to fuck me."

"Point taken," Chase confessed as he called over the waiter.

--

Jack meets a gorgeous man in a bar one night. They talk, connect, and end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows him around his apartment, Jack notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet, cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute, small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, with cuddly, medium-size ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf.

He is surprised that this man would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one so extensive, but he decides not to mention it in favor of a chance at getting lucky.

Jack turns to him, they kiss, and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this incredible man, as they are lying together in the afterglow, Jack rolls over and asks, "Well, how was it?"

Chase smirks at him and purrs, "Help yourself to any prize from the top shelf, and get your ass back in bed to try for another…"

--

Three couples want to join a church: the long married Hannibal and Wuya Bean, the newlywed Raimundo and Kimiko Pedrosa, and the yet-unwed (by law) Chase Young and Jack Spicer. They all talk to the pastor of the church to see what must be done to join.

He says, "You must go without sex for three weeks." Each couple agrees.

Three weeks later, all the couples return. The pastor says to the Beans, "How did you do?"

"Oh, Father," they reply, "we did fine. We've been married for twenty years! We're used to going without sex."

"Very good," says the father. "Welcome to my church."

He then asks the Pedrosas how they did.

"It was kind of hard, Father. We've gone up to two weeks without it, but never three. Somehow, we managed, though."

"Good, welcome to my church," he says.

"Well?" He turns to the third couple.

"Well," Chase, the man of the relationship answered, "we were doing fine up until this morning. We were at breakfast, and Spicer bent over to pick up his napkin, and I just couldn't help but take him."

"I'm sorry," says the pastor. "You are no longer allowed in my church."

"Oh, that's okay," Jack chirped, smiling brightly. "We're not allowed at that restaurant anymore, either!"

A/N: Bought myself a new dirty jokes book (probably about the fifth I own), and decided I just couldn't resist writing this. ;P

Hope you liked it! :)