The Annoying Game

by Hic Iacet Mori

Part 2

It was a fine day in Konohagakure no Sato when its fine loudmouthed hero made his way to an area in the village he rarely went off to—if he ever remembered it at all. It was a useless route to him and he wasn't afraid to announce it loudly to anyone who crossed his path. Over and over again, to the same person if need be. Just to be a pain.

He snorted. It was little payback for the pain he was feeling right now.

He grumbled as he plodded on. Nothing good ever came out of the vegetable areas of the market, but he was Uzumaki Naruto and no vile green matter—or orange or yellow or whatever sick transformation it underwent to hide its vile vegetability—would cow him. With dauntlessness unseen in the annals of the Great Shinobi Countries, he endured a couple of hours in the evilest part of Hi no Kuni, selecting produce at the specifications of a fellow shinobi he was ready to throttle at least provocation.

What sucked more than eating any forms of vegetable? Smelling them. Smelling them all around him, smelling them as they clung their disgusting smell on him in a bid to make him a part of them against his will. More so if they weren't really vegetables but fruits living the life of a vegetable.

—or so yelled a red-faced old vendor as he expressed hatred of all things vegetable for the thirteenth time in two minutes.

"Buy already, damn gaki! They're not vegetables, they're fruits! Fruits!"

"You can't fool me, oyaji! Why'd they be in the veggie area if they're fruits?"

"Because idiots like you think they're vegetables!"

Naruto drew in a shocked breath. Fruits?

His eyes widened.

Fruits!

He gasped.

So even fruits can be double-faced backstabbing bastards, forsaking the life of a fruit to live the life of a vegetable for greater recognition?

His fists clenched.

The fruity bastards!

He left after much righteous indignation, gripping his basket tightly with his lips set in a firm line. He'd so kick the asshole's teeth in. How dare he make the future Hokage even look at betrayal in its plumpest, juiciest, reddest form?

"He wants tomatoes, he said. Baskets of tomatoes, he said. As many baskets as I can carry, he said," Naruto muttered, punctuating his words with curses as he turned to the area of the training grounds. "Fucking fruity bastard."

A deep scowl. "That sick pervert. Slave-driver."

A grunt. "He'd pay for everything, right? He said so, right?"

"Perverts are rich. Ero-sennin was loaded." A pause to wipe sweat off tan brows. "That jerk could pay for this. It's like perverts are paid for every dirty comments they make." An even deeper scowl. "Especially if they're damned sick and un-true."

"He better," he growled, "or else I'll hurt him so bad they'd have to give him ink to replace his blood."

"And he can only shit tomato juice," he added with a snicker.

"Or even just the seeds. They're small, na?" A sardonic chuckle. "Like his brain."

"Seedbrain!" he crowed.

A louder yell. "Tomatoshithead!"

"Who," a voice laced with darkness cut in, "are you calling that?"

A chorus of yelps and shouts echoed in the previously-empty Team Seven training ground.

"Teme!" Naruto yelled, an accusing finger pointed at the impassive Uchiha. "Are you spying on me?"

Sasuke scoffed. "Hardly." Before Naruto could blabber more tasteless accusations—or heaven forbid, more utterly uncreative insults—dark eyes looked down in interest. Avid interest. "Where are you bringing all these tomatoes?" he asked casually, gesturing with a tilt of his head. It wasn't everyday he saw Naruto playing market or tomato fan.

"Shut up, teme!"

"They're disgusting! And heavy!"

"None of your business, bastard!"

"Saw Sai anywhere?"

"Just shut up, teme!"

"Usuratonkachi," Sasuke growled. "One of you is annoying already. Release. Your. Kage. Bunshin."

"You're such a jerk, Sasuke-yarou!" the five Naruto screamed in chorus. Sasuke's eyes twitched, one after the other in tempo to a grating beat—his eyes had never done that before.

He swore he heard his eardrums scream.

All pouting so hard to drill the air around them, four of the Naruto thankfully popped out of existence, leaving the real Naruto with the most childish pout of all. The other four baskets of the plumpest, juiciest, and reddest tomatoes that Sasuke had ever seen softly dropped to the grasses—all free for the taking.

"Don't even think about it," a growl sounded on his right. Sasuke glanced at an irritated moron glaring at him like a previously fluffy sheep suddenly finding itself shorn. He felt the beginnings of a smile lifting up his lips, and he calmly averted his eyes to the farthest basket as he smothered the smile.

"Cravings?" he asked with indifference as his intense eyes swiftly analyzed the tomatoes... intensely, finding those he saw enough to make a wild grin break into his face. Well who could blame him for the inclination? These were such beautiful tomatoes, Sasuke was ready to break all Uchiha codes of conduct to break into paeans and exultations for the sweetest ambrosia. Recite ballads and odes for the nectar of the gods. Dance with adoration for the taste of perfection. Craft an exquisite tomato sculpture with his Chidori while doing all three.

... Inwardly, of course.

All good will were replaced with irritation at the moron's next words.

"You can say that," Naruto said, snorting. "The perverted bastard's in the mood for tomatoes and begged me—me!—to buy him as many as I can. 'The plumpest, Naruto-kun. The juiciest, Naruto-kun. The reddest, Naruto-kun'," he mimicked, making his face as blank and whiny as possible in imitation of the artist shinobi. With each word, Sasuke could feel his irritation climbing a rung higher in his suddenly-propped ladder of ire. "The asshole almost didn't let me sleep! Do you know how perverted they sounded when he was whispering those words in my ear? While I sleep?"

Sasuke's irritation soared up ten rungs and was now planting a danger-red Uchiha flag from the ladder top.

"And he kept moaning!" Naruto continued, working up a furious rant. "Breathing in my ear and shit! Do you know how unhygienic that is? It's like he wants to eat my ear! I swear I felt his tongue!" Naruto was unable to see the dark eyes get colder and colder as they struggled to maintain a ruthlessly detached black. He was too busy doing another Sai impersonation. "Mmhmm, Naruto-kun'," he moaned, putting as much feeling into it as Sai did—as passionate as a hungry child's desire to swallow an enticing plate of nails. "Let me taste it, dickless. Your plumpest, juiciest, reddest... nghhhh... to-ma-toh, Naruto-kuuuun."

Sasuke was not-furiously trying to decide which irritated him less—Naruto buying all these heavenly tomatoes for Sai and not him, or Sai molesting Naruto for all these heavenly tomatoes. Because it was molestation, damn him—Naruto may not see through all that 'I'm a poor emotionless bastard because Danzou is a dick' act, but Sasuke sure did. He had the Sharingan—the Sharingan!—and he could see through those lies! And they're all lies!

And he couldn't decide because he couldn't find a rational thought because he couldn't think because he couldn't hear himself think, and it's all because of this noisy moron whining and cursing in his poor abused ear still crying for justice from the previous torture.

"Naruto," Sasuke said, his voice controlled lest a smidgen of his not-there-yet-but-getting-there anger—he was irritated, not angry, and it just so happened he was irritated enough to snap Sai's spine in a dozen places—leak out and turn the idiot into a wheedling kid, "shut up."

Naruto did shut up, but it was more because of hearing his given name spoken through clenched teeth than anything else. He was used to the bastard's ways of expressing negative emotions and there was a shitload of them, most of them including the gritting out of his name. Bastard tantrums, he liked to call them—and Naruto easily classified this as angry!Sasuke-no-likey-talkey, the mildest form of angry!Sasuke.

Which didn't make any sense, as far as he was concerned—he was just whining, an admittedly daily Naruto-activity, and he expected Sasuke to either scoff a dobe or grunt a hn. Dobe because Sasuke would find a sleepless!Naruto—or taken-advantage-of!Naruto—sadistically amusing, or hn because he would find a ranting!Naruto a complete waste of time because he didn't give a damn anyway so could ranting!Naruto please let the world rest in silence before he forced him to?

Angry!Sasuke didn't make sense.

Maybe—because it's about Sai?

His eyes blinked as a little bit of understanding dawned in his mind.

Sai! The pervert planned this!

He almost shook his head in awe and not a little fond exasperation. Of course he knew that Sasuke loved tomatoes—it was a mathematical fact, really, like Sakura-chan said when she described team formations—"the quiet genius plus the loud idiot plus the hot girl equals a balanced team." In their case, they formed a simple equation—"ramen is to Naruto as tomato is to Sasuke." So it must be killing the bastard that all of these tomatoes—the plumpest, juiciest, reddest tomatoes—were not for him!

And since Sasuke didn't like Sai all that much, and all of these tomatoes were for Sai, Sasuke was doubly annoyed!

He snuck a glance at the quiet Uchiha—quiet, he scoffed to himself—and almost giggled in glee. Sasuke was angry!

And, as if he had timed it all along, Sai entered the ruined training ground, all mask of innocence and cheer. "Uchiha," the ANBU said innocently and cheerfully. His voice was offset by his falsely innocent and cheerful smile.

Sasuke didn't even glance at him, so intent was he to stop himself from drilling his fingers into the older shinobi's heart. He did glance, though, and stiffened without his knowledge, when Sai reached out and patted a blond head. His fists longed to close around the asshole's substitute for a soul.

"Dickless," Sai greeted pleasantly. His smile was noticeably more sincere and affectionate when Naruto beamed back without the usual whining of being treated like a kid. From the bright smile, he deduced that Naruto was happy about something, and because it was him receiving such a response, he deduced that Naruto was happy about something he did.

"I got your tomatoes!" Naruto chirped. He lifted up the basket in his hands and pointed to the others by his feet, beaming with pride. "See? Just the way you like them!"

Sasuke whipped his head to the idiot with disbelief—and not a small amount of annoyance. This was a complete turnaround from the moron's earlier rants. What the hell happened? Why was the loser actually happy to see the retard all of a sudden?

He grunted an out-of-place "Hn."

Sai nodded with satisfaction, eyes on the younger jounin—it seemed Naruto understood what he was trying to do. He had earlier planned on having Naruto buy just a basket, but there was a saying he read in a book last night—the more, the merrier—and Sai thought five baskets of tomatoes would make for a merrier game... whatever it meant.

He was still trying to understand how quantity could affect a person's merriment—as far as he recalled, Naruto's Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu had yet to significantly increase his merriment or even induce it. A multitude of Naruto equated a barrage of yells and screams and shouts and shrieks, and if that's what merriment was supposed to be like, then no one ought to fault him for preferring—he glanced down at his attire—the less route.

His artistic eye found a multitude of Naruto oddly pleasing, though, something he had wondered about before. The incongruous facial colors? The artless clothing materials? The sheer eye-punishing combination of bright hues and black and tan? He dismissed his wonderings when no answer was forthcoming. Besides, his artistic eye was also pleased by the lean form under the baggy eyesore of orange and black. The fact that Naruto chose to cover it lent his figure a more appealing air too. And the fishnet for an undershirt? Made him all the more interesting...

More so when there's none to cover his body. Except for the lamentable lack of penis, of course.

As Naruto blabbered on and on about his market adventure, emphasizing his trials and tribulations with a vigorous interpretative dance, Sai thought that, on top of asking Nara why more was merrier, he'd also ask the laconic genius what he thought of dickless's fashion taste. And if Nara found it as appealing as he thought it was.

"—so I was, oh hell no, o-ya-ji, I ain't taking that crappy excuse of a tomato! It even looks ashamed to be in your stall!" Naruto exclaimed, still into his story. "He glared at me and all and I said I want the plumpest, juiciest, and reddest out there, because I tell you, after losing sleep over that, there's no way in hell I'll settle for less!"

Sai could feel his mouth twitching into, of all things, a grin. It had been fun bothering Naruto about that request, too—Naruto had been very tired after yesterday's manual labor, forced to pay attention to his task, his kits, and the subtly attention-seeking Uchiha. Well, Naruto hadn't picked up on the subtle hints for attention but Sai had, though it made him wonder how the clueless ninja managed to address it even subconsciously. Their interaction had been instructive of the depths of their bond, amazing in that one could address the other's needs without the other vocalizing it.

Sai hoped he could reach that depth of bond with Naruto.

And Uchiha seemed to be a greater attention slut than Sai had initially concluded—if dickless wasn't trying to attack him or scream at him, Uchiha was standing with a sneer as Naruto begged him to do something. All of these were calculated to gather Naruto's attention, Sai thought. And so, with the overly-helpful kits and the number of rootballs needed to bury, Naruto had literally passed out in his own bed with exhaustion—when Sai dropped by his apartment, he was already spread-eagle on his small bed slobbering an ocean on his poor bed.

The window had been left open to let in the autumn wind, cooling the Naruto's normally overheated apartment. The peculiar walrus nightcap had slid down and partially covered Naruto's right eye when he shifted, and a few strands of uncovered gold lifted and fell in time with the wind's gentle motions. His chest rose and fell as saliva dribbled down his chin and sparkled silver under the moonshine, his face shining with a light sheen of oil with his six scars prominent and crude and entrancing. All in all, he looked like a sleeping idiot and yet—

Naruto was beautiful by the moonlight.

Sai almost smiled. It was a strange conclusion, indeed—there was nothing beautiful about dickless at first, or second, or even third glance. However, the more one looked at him, the more apparent his beauty became—all the more because of the light shining within him.

Naruto-kun just grows on you.

He had deftly whipped up his sketchbook and drew the slumbering shinobi, intent on capturing a piece of this oddly attractive young man. A strange warmth welled up his chest each time he glanced at the figure by the bed, leaving him perplexed and not a little captivated. Naruto had always caught his attention—from the unusual features to the unusual views—but he had never captured Sai's attention as completely and worshipfully as a shinobi, as an artist, as a friend, and as a person as he had last night.

It seemed, Sai thought, that his bond with Naruto had just gone deeper—or maybe it had been all this time, and he just didn't know until then? Because if he wasn't mistaken, what he had felt for Naruto had been nothing short of pure, heartfelt affection.

It must be what Ugly feels, he thought faintly. Because when he had caught his reflection in Naruto's mirror, his lips held the same smile that Sakura did, that time Naruto "forgot" her birthday and received a wrathful manly beating, thereby giving the others more time to finish the preparations for her surprise birthday party.

Naruto's swollen eyes and toothless smile as she squealed in joy had been oddly beautiful, too.

"—and here they are!" said blond crowed. "The super-best tomatoes of the world at your beck and call, courtesy of the chosen Nanadaime, Uzumaki Naruto-sama! Hohohohoho!"

And so the sudden urge to tease Naruto with an affectionate wake-up call had come naturally. He had read that in Kakashi-san's book; blowing on the person's ear—making sure his breath was moist and hot, of course—and alternately moaning and purring whatever words he wanted to say was guaranteed to wake a person up in an extremely good mood. He observed that the protagonists also made sure to call each other's name —maybe so the listener was certain he was the one addressed? —until the other woke up with a long, tortured groan.

He briefly wondered what was supposed to follow next, though—the succeeding pages were terribly blurred and wrinkled, and some of the pages were stiff the way a paper usually was when liquid was spilled on it and it was left to dry in air. The pages had a slightly pungent scent too. No matter—what he had done had worked, as Naruto gradually woke up groaning in a long and tortured manner.

Sai was pleased that Kakashi-san's book proved to be very helpful. He'd make sure to borrow another.

"Thank you, dickless," Sai said with a pleased smile. He pointed to a surviving tree at a distance. "Bring the baskets over there."

Naruto raised a hand in a salute, a motion he found curious yet adorable. "Aye, aye, Tai—"

"Why don't you bring them yourself?" a deep voice asked coolly.

Sai turned to Uchiha as Naruto blinked. Admittedly, Uchiha Sasuke had been extemely difficult to read the first time they met, even causing him to feel a strange emotion he classified as fear prickling his nerves. Since the former Avenger started spending his time around Naruto again, though, Sai had found it easier and easier to read the scant emotions in Uchiha's subtle responses.

He found himself admiring the other man—Uchiha was the closest to perfection for a shinobi, able to contain and conceal his emotions without even a second's notice. However, Sai had been, once, the perfect shinobi, an utterly emotionless weapon of death adapting to suit his wielder's whims. Hence, he could, somewhat, see whatever Uchiha was trying to conceal, especially now that he was understanding the concept of emotions.

Uchiha's voice may have been indifferent but the slight twitch in his fingers attested to the opposite. His features were blank and cold but his eyes flickered with what he classified as minute irritation. Uchiha was truly good with concealing his emotions but Sai was a curious observer—on top of that, he had the help of the person who could break Uchiha's apathetic mask by simply standing around with an admittedly foolish smile.

"Do you mind, dickless?" Sai asked pleasantly with a smile, a smile Sasuke could only classify as smug. He methodically planned the imbecile's death.

Sasuke had caught his replacement studying him a little while ago—it aggravated his already shortened fuse, helped along by how the worthless ninja had been looking at the idiot. The exchange between the two had affected him more than he cared to admit, resonating—a bit bitterly within him.

He had ended up a mere bystander, something that had never happened to him before where Naruto was concerned. While Naruto regaled his morning misadventures to Sai as the latter affected an attentive air, Sasuke could only ogle like a pedestrian. Ogle and pedestrian were words never associated with an Uchiha. And as his mind cursed the words to linguistic hell, the more sentimental part of his mind was working as well.

He couldn't stop replaying moments in the past, moments when Naruto tried to yell at his ears as he pretended to ignore him. Moments when Naruto screamed for his attention, his acknowledgment. Moments when Naruto talked to him. Only him.

I always listen, dobe.

It used to be Naruto and him.

Even when I don't show it, I always pay attention.

He couldn't show the dobe, though. Everybody knew of his careless disregard of the world in general, and if he started to pay attention to the idiot, everyone would know—especially Itachi. Sasuke could freely admit it to himself now, but he had been scared out of his wits that Itachi would go after Naruto once he learned that the idiot could hold Sasuke's complete attention. If his aniki was ruthless enough to kill his own family, his own kin, his own blood—what more of Naruto? What was stopping him from going after the idiot?

And Itachi did—for an entirely different reason.

Sasuke almost sighed. He was an idiot. And he had become so accustomed to it, pretending not to listen when it was all he could do to stop himself from sitting beside the moron and letting him talk the whole day. He had indulged himself a few times in the past, paying small attention to the moron when the other jabbered on—Naruto's voice wasn't loud when Sasuke showed that he listened, well-pitched and huskier and soothing to his ears. When Naruto talked, Sasuke felt as if he was all that mattered in the dobe's world—as if Naruto's voice was solely meant for Sasuke's ear, as if he was all that Naruto could see. And he liked it, this attention, one received exclusively from this dobe Naruto. It wasn't worshipful, wasn't admiring, wasn'tpressuring or burdening or expecting—it was completely different from what he had received his entire life.

Now, though... Naruto's attention, this special brand of attention that Sasuke wanted, had transferred to someone else.

He inwardly sighed, an acute sense of loss settling within his chest. It wasn't... really fair, to be replaced like this. Naruto was irreplaceable in Sasuke's life. Why wasn't it the same for him?

"Sounds like you care, teme," Naruto said jokingly. Sasuke turned to him and scoffed. One thing still true of Naruto—the less regard given him, the more he fought for it.

He didn't want Naruto's attention this way. But if it would help—

Naruto rolled his eyes and began to walk away, the basket in his hands. Sai followed behind him sedately, hands on his sides and noticeably without any basket. Sasuke wanted to hit the smug lazy bastard—more so when Sai fell in step beside the idiot and the two spoke in low tones.

Right now, Sasuke would have given his left hand to get X-ray vision for his Sharingan. While he could lip-read, he couldn't lip-read when the people whose lips he wanted to read had their backs turned to him.

"Oi, dickhead," Naruto called Sai in a low voice. "I think you're a genius but you still owe me for the tomatoes." His voice lowered in a growl. "And for my crappy sleep!"

Sai's forehead was slightly wrinkled—Naruto realized he was attempting to do confusion the way normal people did. Again. "I thought you would be pleased," he said in a mild voice.

Naruto found he was too sleep-deprived to analyze where the fuck Sai could possibly get that stupid idea. He settled for grunting instead. "Yare, yare, just don't do it again. Seriously."

Sai nodded slowly, not understanding but agreeing. "Okay."

They reached the tree where Sai planned to stand watch again. Naruto gave a little smile. "Bastard seems to be really angry. Just too stuck-up to admit it, che. Whatcha planning with all these tomatoes, anyways?"

Sai, in the rare times he ever did, smirked.

Whatever it meant, Naruto liked it.

Squish!

Sasuke flinched for the fifty-sixth time.

"I went through morning hell for this?"

Vengeance is mine.

"You're a heartless pervert, you heartless pervert!"

I will repay.

Sai looked down from the tree with an amiable smile. He reached for another tomato—squish!—and Sasuke violently twitched. Naruto looked ready to breathe fire when tomato juice dripped down Sai's ash-pale fist for the fortieth time to land on a bottle of ink.

A bottle of ink currently sporting chunks of tomato bits and juices.

"Even traitors don't deserve that kind of evil and disrespect!" Naruto screeched on. "Tomatoes are just probably bipolar anyway, so who're you to judge them and drown them in your pervy ink?"

"Dickless, this is an experiment," Sai explained in a mild tone for the third time in an hour. "I wish to try tomato as an art medium."

"Sensei-chan, what's bipolar?" Naruto's youngest student asked. Kichou Amaya immediately shushed him while muttering a brief explanation of the word in simpler terms. Sasuke heard the words manic, depressive, opposite, poles, and last Uchiha, which had Junsui Tomoaki nodding slowly while expressing his awe at his teammate's superior intellect.

Sasuke twitched again.

"So Uchiha-san is really a tomato?" Tomo concluded with brown eyes wide in innocent fascination. He had never seen a bipolar tomato man before! His eyes widened further in sudden clarity. "So that's why he looks so angry at Sai-niichan!"

I. am. not. angry. damn. brat.

He tried and failed to suppress another twitch.

"Sai-niichan, Tomato-san is mad at you!"

Again.

Mirai Souzou stifled a sigh. Amaya nodded somberly while not-giggling. Naruto coughed to cover the snicker Sasuke could hear just fine, thank you damned much.

His twitching was becoming more vicious and obvious.

"Naru-sensei-chan, how did you meet Tomato-san?" Tomo asked earnestly. Naruto bit on his bottom lip as he grappled for his serious!sensei face. He figured he would have to sit down with Tomo's papa sometime soon—seriously, Yuki should stop with the bedtime stories already. His son never thought twice about believing fantastic stories—the more fantastic, the more believable, in Tomoaki's orange-tinted world—especially if it was Amaya who told them.

Or maybe he should have a really serious talk with Tomo—like warning his cute genin that Amaya enjoyed teasing him?

"Tomo-tan," Naruto started, still biting down a smile, "Sasuke's not a tomato." Just a pricky bastard who loves it so disgustingly much for someone incapable of love, he inwardly corrected. He gave Amaya a considering sidelong glance. The kunoichi shook her head with a sheepish smile.

"Okay, sensei-chan!" Tomo sang. Hearing another squish! he cocked his head to the side. "Why is Sai-niichan squeezing tomatoes?"

Why the fuck indeed? Sasuke seethed.

In response, Sai jumped down. He swiftly drew out his brush and sketchpad and began drawing with impressive celerity. The three genin watched, awestruck, as the pale hand moved almost unseen over the open sketchpad and the tomato-ink bottle, finishing with a flourish that had the three clapping their hands with eyes wide open. The ANBU tore off the page and lifted it up for Naruto's kits to see.

"Sugoi!" Amaya gushed, her cheeks pink and her eyes bright with feverish gleam. Beside her, Souzou was blushing with ill-concealed approval in his eyes as he studied Sai's creation.

Tomo, meanwhile, couldn't stop clapping his chubby hands. "Yokatta!" he cheered. "Naru-sensei-chan looks so strong and pretty! Sensei-chan, sensei-chan, look at what Sai-niichan made! But what is sensei-chan holding, Sai-niichan?"

Amaya nodded at Tomo's question. Souzou tilted his head, white hair falling to the side as he peered closer to the drawing. "Hmm, Tomo-kun's right," Amaya murmured, dark eyebrows screwing close together. "What's this? Maybe sensei knows?"

"Sensei-chan, come see!"

Naruto nodded eagerly. "Okay, I will." The wariness in blue eyes was apparent to Sasuke, though. Naruto stopped shoveling to go where his idiotic brats stood in a huddle, crowding around the talentless shinobi's latest work of crap.

Sasuke quietly dropped the rootballs in his hands and cautiously edged behind the moron. He wasn't curious—he just wanted to see where all the blood of those innocent tomatoes had gone off to. Sasuke could hear them crying out for justice that he, as an Avenger, must deliver.

A blood-curdling shriek echoed in the grounds.

"SAI YOU AS—JERK!" Naruto screeched.

"Didn't you like it, dickless?" Sai asked, curious.

Naruto's face was redder than the tomatoes he had brought. "ARE YOU FU—INSANE?"

Sasuke's brows furrowed. Naruto started on his furious tirade punctuated by wild gesticulations resembling attempted homicide, his genin cell conveniently ushered away by a very tardy Kakashi and his talking ninken, Pakkun. He peeked behind the idiot's shoulder, trying to see the piece of paper that had the immature loser's temper skyrocketing to a new hi—

His blood froze.

In reddish-orangeish-blackish ink, Uzumaki Naruto stood in half-naked glory, cloth—silk, his detached mind offered dully—sliding diagonally down his chest and strategically covering—some body parts. Naruto's face was slightly turned away, smoky eyes sliding down to seduce whoever was ogling—the drawing. Swollen lips parted—suggestively, looked ready to swallow an object his left hand was carrying—

—a dildo.

Oh, but it wasn't really the dildo that was pissing Sasuke off. It wasn't even the provocative look of this—Naruto as he showed the promise of a—deep swallow. The level of detail of the Naruto's still-unseen—Sasuke had yet to see them but he wasn't in a hurry to see them, nor was he even looking forward to seeing them—pecs, biceps, and abs was nowhere near irritating him, either. Hell, these things didn't affect Sasuke at all. Art is art, or so they say, and he had to respect that.

No, it was the knowledge that all those tomatoes bled for such a sick and fucked-up shitty perverted son of a motherfucking drawing of his best friend that was royally pissing Uchiha Sasuke the bloody hell off.

"Katon: Housenka no Jutsu!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?"

Sasuke didn't feel forming the hand seals, or placing his hand before his mouth, or blowing the hottest fire that had ever been summoned by any Uchiha, dead or alive—he didn't feel any of these but he did feel grimly satisfied when the charred remains of Sai's art floated down to the grasses amidst shrieks of bastard! and asshole! and are you trying to fucking burn me? in his ears.

"A simple 'I dislike it' would have sufficed, Uchiha," Sai remarked with a false smile.

Sasuke gave the asshole a smoldering glare hotter than the flames of his jutsu. Naruto squawked around as he stomped on the remnants of paper with stubborn tongues of fire. Sai's fake smile grew.

"I dislike it," Sasuke said coolly. He swiftly turned around and walked off—completely unaware of Naruto and Sai smirking at each other.

"Told ya he'll hate it," Naruto mouthed. He just knew that using tomatoes for ink would piss Sasuke off, he just knew it! He drew nearer, this time to harshly pull Sai closer to him with his blue eyes flashing. "Though getting me mad isn't part of the plan, you dick," he growled on a pale ear.

Sai nodded in return and Naruto released him. The ANBU jumped back to his tree, Naruto following behind the steaming Uchiha as he wailed his best friend's name. He watched Naruto throw accusations of attempted arson on a loyal friend! and pyromaniac of the third degree! to the coldly silent genius, who twitched with every reminder of the burned drawing.

Oh did Sai know Uchiha would hate it—but not in the way Naruto thought.

Had he been Uchiha, he would have burned his own drawing too, Sai acknowledged to himself. Even thinking of someone else drawing dickless that way did not sit right with him now—bonds, Sai realized, can make someone more possessive than he was. Or maybe more involved than he wanted to be, more affected than he wanted to admit to himself—like Uchiha.

He knew that Naruto and Uchiha's bonds ran deeper than Naruto and his, though Sai wondered why it felt as if there was something else behind the bond between the two.

And why it was making his nerves prickle in a way that he classed as anxiety.

Lunch break had never been such a disgustingly cheesy affair.

"Open your mouth, sensei!" Amaya sang, her hand holding a tempura lounging between porcelain chopsticks. Naruto happily complied as Sasuke twitched again.

But then, it had been three days since Naruto brought those baskets of the gods and things had been getting cheesier and more disgusting.

"Here, sensei-chan! Papa made takoyaki and I helped him!" Tomo happily announced, waving a boat of takoyaki before his joyfully chewing sun god. "I'm studying how to make ramen too!"

"Really?" Naruto asked, blue eyes shining. "I can't wait to taste your ramen! And wow, takoyaki! Thank you!" He opened his mouth as Tomo drew closer on his knees, pushing the food into the older blond's waiting mouth.

Sasuke wanted to kick that mouth shut.

"I bought your favorite ramen, sensei," Souzou quietly said. Naruto cried tears of joy as Souzou handed him a styrofoam of piping-hot miso ramen. "Ayame-san added two extra naruto and said she hoped to see you tonight."

"Thanks, Souzou!" Naruto exclaimed. Dark eyes noted how the self-assured genin shyly turned away with a little smile. He crossed his arms over his chest, unconscious of his clenched fists. That kid was bad news. What kind of kid used a person's weakness against him?

"Mou, I wish my own team would feed me like this," Kakashi commented from his perch on a tree branch, an eye watching the tableau with amusement. He covered another giggle when an excited Tomo forced another takoyaki on his sensei—Naruto laughingly taking it—and Sasuke twitched.

Another dozen more and he would declare the last Uchiha an epileptic.

Kakashi felt an intense wash of cold killing intent when Sai jumped down from his favorite tree and handed Naruto a big red tomato. Sai bit on the tomato in his other hand, making inappropriate moaning sounds to appropriately express his satisfaction.

Sasuke twitched.

One down, eleven more to go, Kakashi thought gleefully.

"Here, dickless," Sai offered as he sat down beside Naruto—which, to Sasuke's point of view, meant wedging his unwanted asshole self between Naruto and him. Sasuke pressed all his force down on his lower body—no way in hell would he move to make way for this seat-stealing moron. Even if he had to drill his ass on it.

"Oi teme, move over," Naruto said from Sai's other side. "Sai's not comfy."

Exactly. "Hn," Sasuke grunted indifferently. He flinched at a particularly loud crunch. And a particularly low moan.

He hated, hated that lowlife.

Naruto rolled his eyes, finally taking the proffered tomato from the ash-pale hand. "What a hog," he muttered, scuttling closer to his closest student, Souzou, to make way for Sai.

"No need to move, Naruto-kun," Sai said. Before the blond could ask why, the ANBU gave a pleasant smile, stood up, turned around, walked behind the seated blond, and sat down. He leaned back on Naruto who, without even a second thought, leaned back as well.

He observed Uchiha watching them from the corner of his eyes. Sai felt a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing Uchiha's surprised look not completely hidden from his sight. He felt the temptation to smile at the way the eyes grew darker when Naruto casually passed him a bowl of ramen without even turning to look back. There was another emotion in the observing dark eyes, though, something that Sai couldn't quite understand.

"I hate tomatoes," Naruto mumbled as he took a bite of the plump red fruit, grimacing in blatant dislike. He scrunched his face, swallowed, and bit again. "I really, really hate tomatoes. Fruity bastards."

Sai, looking at a point in the sky, passed another tomato over Naruto's shoulder. Naruto took it without being prompted and then passed him Amaya's bento without looking. With a string of muttered curses, Naruto pouted and took a great bite of the new tomato.

"I really, really, really hate tomatoes."

Then why are you eating them?

Sasuke demolished his onigiri with a calmness that interested Kakashi. The former sensei of Team Seven knew that his prodigal was unhappy with Sai and Naruto's interaction—Kakashi was almost tempted to tease Sasuke about being replaced in his best friend's life by his replacement from Root, but Sasuke wasn't above hitting below the belt and he valued his life and his manhood. It was amusing to watch Sasuke pretend not to care, too—however, it seemed the last Uchiha had become severely affected by the closeness that Sai and Naruto just demonstrated. Sasuke was calm, too calm—after his eyes flashed with dejection.

Kakashi shook his head. It was time Sasuke realized that Naruto's world didn't revolve around him alone anymore.

From his periphery, said Uchiha saw Sai pass another tomato to Naruto, who took it without pausing from his conversation with a gushing Amaya. He bit down harder on his last onigiri. Logically, he shouldn't, really, be getting affected by the casual closeness between the two—Sasuke had been gone for four years and he had ignored Naruto after his return. Technically, Sai personally knew Naruto far longer than he himself did, and they were bound to become close friends after going on missions after missions—they had risked life and limb for each other and that tended to inspire closeness. This they had been doing since Naruto's return from his training with the Gama Sennin, since they had become teammates - which was more or less three years ago.

Sai was ahead of Sasuke.

His only claim was that he had known the dobe first. That it was him who first acknowledged Naruto as an equal, as a person, as a friend. As his closest friend.

He was mine first, he wanted to say. I knew Naruto first.

Emotionally—it hurt far deeper than he thought it would. It wasn't even about tomatoes anymore—okay, to a degree it was, because why the hell was Naruto eating tomatoes if he hated them unless it's because Sai wanted him to eat it and he wanted to please the pervert and why the hell would he want to please the pervert when Sasuke couldn't even get him to touch a tomato?

He mentally inhaled, inwardly breathless from his last thought. So maybe it was because the few times he and Naruto had been around tomatoes, Sasuke had promptly snatched them before the idiot could even notice, but that wasn't the point—the point was, what hold did Sai had over Naruto that he could get the idiot to buy tomatoes for him and even eat them?

And should they be that shamelessly chummy before the impressionable genin and obvious that they had been shamelessly chummy before? What business did they have sitting back to back and passing each other food without even a second thought, like they're a couple who knew instinctively what the other wanted and needed? Did they know the message they were sending to these brats (he didn't give a damn about and wouldn't think twice to sacrifice to Orochimaru)? Didn't they realize they look like—best friends? Even lovers?

Sasuke felt queasy to the point of throwing up. The idea of Sai and Naruto as lovers was physically sickening.

... Ew.

"You look green," Naruto commented cheerfully. Sasuke would have happily thrown up on the idiot if he hadn't picked up the hidden concern. Expressing outright concern over the other was never their way—the rare times they had to, it was done grudgingly, as if they'd rather slit their own wrists than do so. Or maybe it was just him who'd rather slit his own wrist.

"What, your fragile stomach can't take labor, bi-shou-nen?"

At the back of his mind, he knew that Naruto cared. Moreover, Sasuke cared back.

Pretty boy?

And then some.

You think I'm pretty?

Sasuke turned away, his hair hiding his oddly warm face. He decided he wouldn't decide if he was angry at being called such a stupid name or embarrassed at thinking of such a stupid question.

"Tch. Usuratonkachi."

Tomo jumped up, a small bundle of furious whirlwind that Naruto found really cute. "Why're you calling sensei-chan a thin hammer? Naruto-sensei-chan is Yamato Nadeshiko! Papa said so!"

Naruto laughed weakly, waving his hands in negation as both Sasuke and Sai inwardly agreed without their conscious consent. "Anou, Tomo-kun... Yamato Nadeshiko is an ideal woman—it's for girls." At least, that's what he knew. "Like... remember Hinata-sensei? Hinata-sensei is Yamato Nadeshiko."

At the frown of intense thought, the blond jounin-sensei continued, using his hands for emphasis. "Long dark hair? Freaky eyes? Red face?" With still no recognition, he plodded on, "Hot body?"

Sasuke and Sai blinked. Hot... body?

Tomo shook his head and Naruto stood up. Kakashi watched covertly, more interested with the drama unfolding before his eyes than in his book right now. He hadn't missed those suspicious blinks.

Hee.

The blond took position and with a handseal—

"Henge!"

—Hyuuga Hinata stood in all her curvaceous glory.

"Ah, Camera-neechan!" Tomo exclaimed. Amaya and Souzou tilted their heads in curiosity at this strange nickname, which their sensei voiced.

"... Camera... neechan?"

"Un," Tomo affirmed, nodding his blond head and making picture-taking motions. "Camera-neechan is Yamato Nadeshiko? Can she cook and bake and clean and sew and knit and wash clothes and fold clothes and budget and do a lot of house things like Papa said Yamato Nadeshiko does, sensei-chan?"

Naruto scratched his dark head thoughtfully, a hand resting on the soft swell of a hip. Sasuke found it quite surreal—surreally annoying, seeing Hyuuga Hinata do a very Naruto action. When is he releasing that henge? Sasuke thought irritably. What, he finds her body too hot to let go?

"I'm not really sure," Naruto admitted. Really, he wasn't. Besides, Hinata was the Hyuuga heiress—he didn't see how Hinata would be forced to learn things like that, with all their servants running around ready to do her least wish. Well maybe she needed to learn them, he conceded. Far as he remembered, Neji mentioned that a Hyuuga lady needed to know the mechanics of being a wife, though the servants would end up doing the traditional wife's job, them being house chores. There were a lot of Branch house members and majority was employed as the few Main house members' servants—these servants were trained to do those works.

And there was a huge-ass load of servants in the Hyuuga Main house, Naruto remembered. Steali—Silently borrowing that photo album from Hinata's secret vault inside her secret room under her secret training room in the heavily-guarded forest behind the Hyuuga compound was made all the harder by the all-seeing eyes of those freaky-eyed servants flitting around like flies during summers inside his apartment—and that was saying a lot. Three weeks of the most intense reconnaissance Naruto had ever done paid off when they managed to ste—silently borrow that album.

"Oiroke no Jutsu! Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

After blinding all the Hyuuga servants with the most amusing jutsu combination Sai said he had ever formed.

So maybe transforming into an Oiroke version of Hyuuga Hiashi, and then flooding the northern area of the compound with hundreds of Oiroke!Hiashi was a bit... out of hand, as Sai had cheerily pointed out—but it wasn't his fault that all those servants in Byakugan mode could still see through their shuttered eyes and their clawing hands. What mattered was getting their hands on that album to annoy Hinata, and they succeeded!

Byakugan's not all that, anyway. It's just great for peeping, Naruto thought. Besides, the Head of the Clan and his advisors were away that day—and judging from the fact that he and Sai were still alive to remember that day, none of the servants had told the Head of the Clan himself. They had been weirdly quiet about it. Even Hinata, who had arrived late, didn't know about it.

Hell, some of the servants he bumped into wouldn't even look at him!

"—ings, na, sensei-chan?"

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

Big brown eyes were looking up at him in worship. "But you can do all those things, na, sensei-chan?"

Naruto thought back. Can he cook? Yes, but there's no one else to cook for aside from himself, so he hardly bothered—though things had been changing lately. Can he bake? Well, Iruka-sensei taught him to bake cakes for the academy cake sale two years ago to raise funds for new toy weapon sets for the preschoolers, and he liked to give Sakura-chan his homemade cookies once in a while when she kissed him for it once on the cheek.

He can sew—since he was four, in fact, so he didn't have to buy new clothes unless there's no other way. He learned to knit from Ino a year ago, after she commented that his scarf was ratty and ugly and old and she offered to knit him a new and fashionable one for the holidays. After seeing a ball of neon pink yarn in her hand, he had begged her to teach him instead.

He had been washing and folding his own clothes since he was three because the landlady wouldn't let him use the laundry room. The landlady had since a change of heart, offering even to do those chores for him, but he had gotten used to doing them and he had declined as graciously as he could. Besides, seeing her climb the stairs was already paining him.

As for the house things—he had been living in his own apartment since he was three. There's no one else to keep house for him but himself, so he learned to do that too. Besides, he disliked seeing Sandaime-jiji stoop down to pick up his clothes when the old man visited—it was embarrassing and it looked painful for the old Hokage, so Naruto learned to pick up after himself.

Budgeting? Not a problem. Naruto wouldn't have been able to keep his apartment for years if he didn't know how to. After falling madly in love with Ichiraku ramen, Naruto learned to keep track of his expenses so he would have enough for a bowl of Ichiraku ramen and some cup ramen. Cup ramen wasn't much of a problem when he was ten though, because someone started leaving a box of cup ramen on his doorstep once a week. Sadly, it stopped when he was thirteen but by then, he had enough to buy a box by himself.

Though someone's been leaving him a box every week once again—

Also, he preferred to wheedle someone else to buy Ichiraku ramen for him so he could save money to buy important things, like a bed to replace his broken one or a wrench to fix his faucet. So the house things weren't a problem, either.

His head spun at his conclusion. Maybe Tomo's right—he was Yamato Nadeshiko. But she's a girl!

Naruto frowned.

—Isn't she?

"Dickless can do all those things, dickless junior," Sai replied in his stead. Naruto didn't have to see him to know there was an evil smile somewhere in his black heart. "He even sings."

Naruto accidentally elbowed him sharply. Destiny made him hit the spine.

"In the bathroom," Sai added helpfully.

Naruto not-so-accidentally reached back and squeezed somewhere he remembered Sakura-chan saying where the kidneys were located. He hoped he crushed those kidneys and Sai died of poisoning from all the shit floating inside him.

"He mimics the melody and harmony parts of a song with different voices as well." Sai then turned around to address the enthralled squad of genin, his dark eyes purposefully catching Sasuke's unreadable ones. "Sometimes, dickless likes to stand before his mirror and use his toothbrush as a microphone."

"Break's over!" Naruto announced quickly, standing up and accidentally kicking Sai in the back as his hand accidentally punched the pale face in his eagerness. "Off you go, kits!"

The three genin, caught unawares but not wanting to disobey their commander, made short work of the impromptu picnic and cleared the dishes. A moment later and the grasses were empty of all evidence of lunch. Naruto gathered and led them to the reclining Kakashi with a pointed stare.

"He wants you to take them away so he can kill the pale one," Pakkun said lazily as they approached the tree.

"Which one?" Kakashi asked with disinterest.

"The insensitive one."

He turned a page—he loved the next dialogues. "Which one?"

"Oi, sensei," Naruto called from below. Kakashi waved a hand away and Naruto nodded, bidding a cheerful "Ja, kits!" and leaving the three genin to him. Without taking his eye off his book, he pointed to a general direction on his right and, in the blink of an eye, disappeared.

Pakkun would tell them what to do.

Naruto paused to make sure Kakashi-sensei was taking his squad. When his kits disappeared, he turned around in a running jump and swiftly throttled Sai to the ground.

"You asswipe!" Naruto yelled, his cheeks red with anger as he strangled the smiling bastard. "Why'd you bring those things up, you evil jerk? I'm not the one you're s'posed to drive against the wall!"

"Drive against the wall," Sai repeated to himself as his head was jerked back and forth. His mind clicked after another round of brain-jarring. Ah, an idiom.

"Is it wrong to tell a fact about you?" he asked, brows slightly creased. A particularly harsh throttling made him wince—seeing Naruto's fierce expression on Hinata's face reminded him of the one time the Hyuuga heiress struck him with unadulterated fear.

Sasuke, meanwhile, had returned to planting. He was in no mood to see Hinata!Naruto duking it out with the pervert. Not after learning just how close the dobe and the asshole really were—he hadn't even been inside Naruto's house before! But Sai—Sai had even listened to Naruto sing in the bathroom? Had even seen Naruto sing with a toothbrush as a microphone?

Not that he wanted to see it!

... That much.

The most he had been was outside the loser's door, and half of the time they were to tell the dobe that Kakashi canceled training for the next day.

"You're still in henge, Naruto-kun," he heard the oily voice say. Despite himself, Sasuke felt his dark eyes slide to his right and noted the moron's surprised reaction. Naruto sat up, pushing his weight down on Sai's lap, and promptly canceled the henge.

Sasuke's blood suddenly boiled.

"No excuses this time!" Naruto yelled, back in his body and back to strangling the idiot below him. "Wha—Wha!"

It was suddenly light and Sai understood why—dangling inches above him was a stunned blond held up by a thunder cloud of a dark-haired man. Said thunder cloud of a dark-haired man flashed Sai a dark glare before flinging said stunned blond to the nearest uprooted tree like a bundle of trash.

Naruto crashed into the nearest uprooted tree like a bundle of trash.

"Uchiha," Sai greeted pleasantly, standing up and patting his clothes off the grasses that had clung to him. His lips curved in a smile. "It appears you care for your replacement after all."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed at the irritating smile, not missing the emphasis. His hands clenched and unclenched on his sides, yearning to close around the windpipe of the older ninja. He was severely tempted to finish what the moron failed to do. Sai had no business... no business lying down while Naruto—

He swiftly turned around and caught a furious punch.

"Why'd you fucking throw me like that, you bastard?" Naruto yelled, punctuating his words with his fists. "What crawled up yours? Answer me, dammit!" He growled when Sasuke dodged all his punches. If he couldn't land a punch, he'd kick the bastard until he apologized!

"Not my fault you didn't sense me," Sasuke replied matter-of-factly, inwardly smirking in victory.

"I was trying to kill the asshole! What, you're friends now and you have to save him?"

"Che. You're wasting time," Sasuke scoffed, sniffing in disdain at a blocked roundhouse kick before jumping up to evade a sweeping one. "If you have time to straddle then you have time to plant more trees, usuratonkachi."

"Teme!"

So who's fighting the idiot now? Sasuke asked smugly, dodging a flurry of angry punches and kicks this time. He flipped back to create more distance between him and Naruto, who was becoming more determined to land a hit. He blinked when Naruto vanished from his sight, and it was only instinct—the same instinct that used to tell him when Naruto was in trouble—that he managed to catch Naruto's right ankle with his right hand and stopped a potential hit to his side.

Sasuke tightened his grip, refusing to relinquish his hold. Naruto raised his left leg for a front kick to his stomach. Sasuke's left hand crossed down and caught the left ankle as well.

"Why'd you keep catching my legs?"

Sasuke thought Naruto was entirely too childish. His raised eyebrow said so.

Naruto pouted, his crossed legs held up by the bastard. What a bastard. The position was very uncomfortable and he tried to shift to a more comfortable one to no avail. He could feel blood rushing down to his face—stupid stupid gravity—and the smug asshole wasn't letting go. He attempted to twist his ankles but Sasuke's grip tightened.

Bastard.

"Let go, teme," Naruto finally grumbled, irritated that he had to resort to asking. "See how you like your balls squeezed. Ass."

"Hn," Sasuke grunted, smirking at the annoyed blond—before freezing as the words registered in his mind.

Oh.

A mental hand appeared and squeezed his... mind.

My.

His mouth dried.

Hnnnnnnnnnnnnn...

His grip loosening, his dark eyes widened as he looked down, really looked down, at the pouting blond he held by the ankles. He only had to change which hand held which ankle - he could do that in a second—spread the dobe's ankles apart—he could do that in a heartbeat—lift up those thighs—he could do that without thought—and ram his—Kusanagi at the smirking perverted retard from the tree branch drawing something perverted created by his extremely perverted mind.

That bastard!

Naruto took the chance, forcing his ankles to spread apart until the hold completely loosened, his legs landing ungracefully back to terra firma. He failed to see the unhealthy splash of red covered by the fringes of Sasuke's dark hair.

"Fucking bastard," Naruto grumbled as he gingerly stood up, wincing as pain traveled down his legs from blood rushing back where they were supposed to be. "I think you're just jea—Ack!"

Sai smiled pleasantly as Naruto coughed and sputtered. Sasuke shot him a dirty look.

"Back to work, dickless," the ANBU announced when Naruto finally spat out the cherry tomato. He hadn't even thought of resisting the urge to throw it at Naruto's open mouth. Besides, weren't close friends supposed to do things like this?

Well, the male friend in Kakashi-san's book used that curious object the female friend called a dildo instead of a tomato. He figured it didn't matter, however. Though Naruto might have preferred it if Sai had been cupping the back of his head and pushing it up and down?

Sai's brows furrowed at a peculiar sensation, not hearing Naruto's yells as he was forcibly dragged by Uchiha. He looked down at his exposed stomach.

Strange. Something—liquid-hot, was coiling in his belly and eating tomatoes had never done that to him before.

He went back to his latest sketch of his friend. Ugly's station had a cabinet full of laxatives and he'd simply ask for one. This time, he would make sure not to ask if her assigned station was a reflection of her frequent daily activities.

"We're in for a long haul, y'know," Naruto mumbled in between slurps of ramen. He put down the empty bowl and Ayame, the Ichiraku waitress, promptly replaced it with a full one. Naruto smiled gratefully and immediately dug in.

Sai sipped on his tea, his head tilted down to listen to his vertically-challenged friend, his mind attempting to think of a haul long enough for them to be inside of. He nodded as the word idiom came into his mind, and he nodded once more to express his agreement. It was Naruto who knew quite a lot about Uchiha, after all.

"Sasuke-teme, see, doesn't like showing what he feels," Naruto had said after drawing Uchiha's name. "It's the same with anger or other shit he feels like that. The only times he was happy to show them was when he showed how much he hated Itachi."

"Hmm."

He went on, "He's always been stupid like that. Believe it or not, he's actually got a worse temper than me. The thing is, I let it out. He doesn't because he pretends that what's making him angry is not there or something. Really stupid, huh? Like ignoring something makes it go away. Psh."

Sai nodded. "Like you."

"Yeah, lik—Hey! Whatcha mean by that?" Naruto scowled when Sai blinked in confusion. He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, Sasuke's usually okay with handling small things that piss him off. Like I said, he ignores it, but sometimes, he actually notices and just controls his anger because he thinks he's cool and shit. But when little things pile up and he notices that his control's slipping, he gets seriously pissed off. Like Kirin pissed off." He grinned. "The bastard's a control freak who hates losing it. So when he loses it, he loses it."

Ignoring Sai's puzzled stare, he gave a victory sign. "So for our operation? We do all the small things that drive him crazy until it gets big enough to electrocute our asses!"

"Do you like asses to compensate for your lack of penis?"

It had been two weeks since the start of the operation and since then, a day hadn't gone by when Naruto didn't blow up and Sasuke gritted his teeth with fast-deteriorating coolness. The first step, the baskets of tomatoes, had ran out on the first week with Uchiha not even having a touch or taste, forced to watch in rising—according to a gleeful dickless—hatred and agony as they were:

One. used as ink;

Two. eaten by Sai;

Three. forcibly eaten by Naruto;

Four. used as kunai targets on the two days Kakashi-san was on a mission and left the kits back to dickless;

Five. used as close-friend throw-things in lieu of a dildo whenever Naruto opened his mouth too much and he was in the mood to strengthen their bond. He had earlier asked Kakashi-san where he could purchase a dildo, but when Kakashi-san asked why and he answered, the Copy Nin laughed so hard that Yamato-taichou struck the jounin with a Mokuton jutsu after yelling "Kai! Kai! Dammit Kakashi Kai!" and nothing happened.

Sai didn't understand why;

Six. thrown on Kakashi-san by a red-faced dickless after he showed an Icha Icha art to Souzou and the frail genin fainted. Sai was still trying to understand how Hermit's fainting spell was connected with the art and why dickless was mad about said art in the first place. Personally, he found the worm's eyeview of a vagina hovering over a penis not all that interesting enough to feel furious about—unless Naruto was mad about the exaggeration? Twenty inches wasn't real, after all... Or maybe he felt Kakashi-san was making fun of his lack of penis by showing it to Hermit? It would explain why Hermit fainted—it wasn't everyday a genin learned that his jounin-sensei had a hidden vagina;

and Seven. stomped flat by dickless junior in a fit of tiny rage against Tomato-san who won't stop calling Naruto-dickless dobe and baka and usuratonkachi.

In between, Sai had consistently commented on Uchiha's abysmal performance as a shinobi whenever Uchiha and Naruto engaged in an impromptu spar. This he did when he discovered that, though only dickless could truly get a rise out of Uchiha, Uchiha actually welcomed Naruto's taunts. It was another sign of bond, Sai realized. Uchiha, in another consistent showing of his bond with dickless, also appeared unhappy whenever he drew Naruto in varying degrees of undress.

He had drawn Ugly once in the style of Naruto's Oiroke no Jutsu—that is, with strategically placed smoke on her nonexistent woman parts—and only dickless had been unhappy about it. Naruto's Fuuton: Rasengan had grazed his left hand. He still couldn't hold a brush with it.

Ugly had healed him when she dropped by that day. After beating dickless up as punishment for hurting a teammate and then learning why Naruto attacked him, Ugly had accidentally broken his left wrist and it took Nara's Kagemane no Jutsu to stop her from doing the same to his spine.

"What next?" Naruto murmured thoughtfully, breaking Sai from this thoughts. They had already covered the I-dislike-sweet things part—Naruto had announced on the third day that he was in the mood for sweets and all forms of lunch and snacks since then had been sweet, courtesy of his worshipful kits. Naruto had also consistently accidentally poured a cup of sugar on Uchiha's onigiri, and the disgusted Uchiha had taken to gnawing on peanuts while they worked so he wouldn't be forced to see the sea of sweets during lunch and snack breaks.

"Sweets. Tch."

Bright colors—Sai had mentioned that Naruto liked being surrounded by bright colors, especially orange, and his kits had promptly taken action. Amaya braided her long black hair with orange ribbons, and had exchanged her dark blue top for an orange one, paired with her black harem pants tucked inside brand new orange boots. Tomoaki, already bright with his white-blond hair, added a bright orange cap to his attire and exchanged his geta with neon orange boots. Even Souzou, the rational one, exchanged his flak-green fingerless gloves for orange ones. "Glow in the dark too!" like Tomo happily announced.

"Che. Orange."

They also used orange bento boxes and Tomo even had his Grandpapa design orange chopsticks with orange fox prints for all of them. Since then, Uchiha was conspicuously absent during mealtimes, returning the moment the kits were packing up with his face colder and his eyes more murderous. Kakashi would only chuckle and usher the kits away after they had shouted their exuberant "Ja ne!" to their sensei.

Speaking of eyes—Uchiha's eyes had been quite eye-catching lately.

"Naruto," a cheerful voice greeted, which significantly lowered in enthusiasm next, "Sai."

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto greeted back, waving his chopsticks happily. Sai nodded in greeting as Sakura slid on the chair to Naruto's right. After ordering, the medic jounin turned to Naruto with a concerned expression.

"Is something wrong with Sasuke-kun?" she asked.

Naruto paused in mid-swallow. "Waar?"

Sakura was frowning. "I think he's not sleeping well. Does he have insomnia?"

Naruto and Sai exchanged a secret look. Inwardly snickering, Naruto shrugged. "Maybe."

Green eyes narrowed. "You've something do with it, haven't you."

Naruto pouted. Why was he always accused? Didn't Sakura-chan know it's not nice to accuse people? "Hey! 'S not my fault Sasuke-teme can't sle—"

"It is," a cold voice interrupted.

Naruto jumped in surprise. "Teme!"

Sasuke stood behind Naruto, his arms arrogantly crossed over his chest. A great pair of eyebags under clearly tired eyes contrasted sharply with his ivory skin. Spiky dark hair fell over his aristocratic features, giving him a haunted look despite the chilling glare he threw at him. His shoulders were slouched forward, his body a little stooped, and Naruto thought that maybe, waking him up was a bit of an overkill.

Besides, the blue veins twitching around the bastard's eyes were kinda freaky.

He scratched his head with a guilty look. "Just thought you'd like it, y'know. Someone dropping by and waking you up?"

"At three in the morning?" Sasuke hissed.

"That's just one time!" Naruto protested.

"That's just it," Sasuke growled. "You wake me up at random hours!"

"But random's fun!" Naruto argued. "Routine is boring! Don't you think it's boring waking up at the same time every damned day? Like roosters?" At Sasuke's cold glare, Naruto inched away. "What? I'm just trying to save you from rooster-hood! I'm not even going to talk about your hair!"

Sasuke's voice was throbbing with danger. "Dobe. I wake up at the same time everyday as I require consistent sleeping hours like everybody else." He leaned closer, his breath hot and furious against Naruto. "Wake me up again at three, or four, or five or even six in the morning and I will castrate you and feed your suddenly detachable body parts to the roosters you adore so much."

Naruto sputtered. "O-Oi! That's too much! What d'you have against roosters anyway? And my dick stays out of this!"

"Once you find it," Sai reminded nicely.

Naruto shot the ANBU his filthiest glare. Sasuke began auctioning his soul for a chance to shoot laser through his eyes.

"You fuc—!"

"So what now, u-su-ra-ton-ka-chi?" Sasuke asked through gritted teeth.

Naruto kicked Sai instead before scratching his nape sheepishly. "Anou... I say didn't you know that's the longest thing you've ever said?"

"Dobe..."

Naruto pouted. "There's nothing wrong with waking you up! The way you talk, 's like you don't want me to wake you up!"

"Yes!"

Naruto huffed and turned away, his arms across his chest. Sakura finally spoke up. "You shouldn't be bothering Sasuke-kun like this. Naruto, you out of everyone should know how much Sasuke-kun likes to sleep in."

Sasuke glared at her in a frosty denial while Naruto pouted. "That's the thing, Sakura-chan. There's such a thing as liking it too much!"

"Liking it too much?"

Sasuke blanched while Naruto nodded. "Un. It was Wednesday, I thi—"

"Na. ru. to."

Naruto waved his hand, unaware of the malevolent aura encompassing the white-faced Uchiha. "Maa, maa. I told ya it's an ordi—"

"One. more. word," Sasuke said calmly, darkly. Naruto swallowed, seeing the threat in the red-tinted eyes and not a little excited about it. "One more word, Naruto."

It was embarrassing enough, Sasuke thought furiously, to be caught in a situation beyond his control—it would be downright humiliating if he explained how it came to be. Not to Sakura, no—but to the idiot. Not that Naruto expected him to explain—Sasuke had lived his life without going around explaining to everyone who would listen. He expected everyone to understand in one go and shut the hell up. But when a topic is constantly brought up, a person talks sooner or later even against his will.

And no way would Sasuke do that.

He wasn't lying when he said Naruto was the cause of his atrocious sleep, but it ran deeper than the idiot knew of. Frankly, being woken up early wasn't much of a problem to him, not after Orochimaru whose tongue tended to be grabby and not after Karin whose hands tended to be wandering. Fact is, Sasuke actually liked the idea that the moron was willing to wake up early to wake him early.

If only the damn moron was consistent, though.

Sasuke grunted. It was this damned inconsistency that was driving him insane. How was he to take care of his fucking problem when he was in danger of having the utter idiot popping up on him during random early hours? It was bad enough that it wasn't really an innocent problem—having Naruto discover it for what it really was would make things worse!

He finally sat down beside Sakura, not keen on sitting beside Sai. He mechanically ordered beef ramen and inwardly sighed as he waited.

His body, for reasons unbeknownst, had betrayed him.

Another inward sigh. It seemed the past years of sexual indifference and unconscious abstinence were in a hurry to make up for lost times. As if being... hormonal at inappropriate moments for the past days weren't bad enough!

It began last week and it had been frustrating him since. The first time he had those... strange dreams, he had woken up hot and feverish and confused, feeling an acute need to release something that hurt so much it was a physical ache. He had forgotten his dream as soon as he had woken up, but there were lingering visions of sweat and skin and he was panting too hard too fast too deep and when he looked down—

Oh. Shit.

It explained everything.

Fuck.

And he didn't know how to take care of it.

When he had shifted to cool himself and his sheets accidentally rubbed against his crotch, he ended up hissing and writhing and feeling so damned humiliated about the wrongness of it all. All lessons of puberty during the Academy had been forgotten in the face of the painful newness of his situation, and his only logical thought had been—

Hot. Must shower.

And so he had.

Two days after, Naruto had begun popping up to wake him. Sasuke had managed to wake early enough to jump into the shower to take care of it, his mind trying to remember his dreams to at least have an idea of who he needed to fucking kill. It was damned frustrating, being on the brink every—damn—time with no release forthcoming, with having his sleep cut off, with having to wake up wrestling with his sheets, with having to wake up humping his pillow that had magically slid down between his legs, with having to wake up gasping for breath because he was choking and moaning and wanting.

Then one day, Naruto came to wake him up at three in the morning.

Something was up, alright—and it wasn't him.

Sasuke had woken up in bewildered panic, remembering vivid flashes of gold and bronze, only to rub against his silk boxers and bite down on a hiss.

"Na, teme... you have morning wood? Like, seriously?"

His glare had been darker than his unlit room. Which, thankfully, hid the mortified blush under his flushed, sweaty skin.

"Wow, so even stuck-up bastards get them too!" A cock of the head—no! he thought wildly, not head, not cock!—and Naruto frowned. "What's up with you? Er... hehe, no pun intended. You just kinda look like you're in pain or something."

Sasuke was too busy gathering shreds of dignity to speak up.

Naruto shrugged. "Morning wood doesn't usually hurt, y'know. I mean, I barely feel mine. It goes away sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. I just jerk it off." His brows furrowed and he rolled his eyes. "You're probably too good for that, na, teme?"

When Sasuke didn't answer—couldn't answer—Naruto bent forward, placing his hands over his knees and towering over the bed. His eyebrows wiggled suggestively. "Want me to help you out?" he purred. "I can—"

"Shower," Sasuke gasped out, scrambling gracelessly out of his bed and running to his bathroom.

"—stab you and the pain would make it go a—eh?"

Seconds later and there was a sound of cold running water. And thumping as Sasuke tried to kill himself by banging his head on the wall.

Minutes later, he returned to his room with the idiot sprawled on his bed and slobbering his version of Nakano River. Sasuke kicked him out of his bed and pushed his still unconscious form outside his window. The explosions and screams from his activated traps appeased him somewhat, though it didn't stop him from wondering again how Naruto managed to bypass them in the first place.

Since then, Sasuke went to sleep in a state of anxiety. His dreams couldn't be trusted and so was his infernal self-appointed alarm clock. He couldn't sleep, and the most rest he could get were from naps that only left him more tired and irritated. Added with the daily punishment of facing the genin cell from orange hell, the useless former jounin-sensei who was consistently useless, and the smiling asshole in need of another friend to steal, Sasuke thought he might just drop dead one of these days and it would be the happiest day of his life.

"SASUKE!"

He automatically glared, his mind processing the voice ownership. Shrill. Female? Husky. Male? Loud. Both? His glare didn't abate as he swiftly drew a conclusion, dark eyes landing unerringly on the abominable creature from ramen dystopia.

"Dobe."

"Finally," Naruto exhaled with exaggerated exasperation. "I said, since you wanna be a rooster, I'd stop. So thank me!"

A chilly glare. Relief hidden well.

"'Sides," he went on as he stood up, Sai following beside him. "Sai-baka just asked me to wake him instead. At least, there's someone who appreciates my kindness!"

A blink. Sharingan hidden well.

"Will you take care of my morning wood, dickless?"

The ramen stand exploded.

Temper... not hidden well.

Notes:

Katon: Housenka no Jutsu

(Fire Release: Mythical Fire Phoenix) A Ninjutsu technique utilizing the Fire Element. The ninja does the necessary hand seals and then emits a series of small fire balls. The ninja can also hurl a projectile which is covered in these same flames. To the opponent the attack appears to be only the balls of flame, they do not see the hidden threat within the flames. Meaning that even if the flames are put out, the projectiles still converge on the target. The flames can be used to cover different projectiles like shuriken or kunai.

Fuuton: Rasengan

(Wind Release: Spiral Sphere) Wind Element version of Rasengan developed by Uzumaki Naruto to stay on equal footing with Uchiha Sasuke. This expands the original concept of Rasengan and mixes his own chakra element, wind. The predecessor to Fuuton: Rasenshuriken.

Kagemane no Jutsu

(Shadow Imitation) aka Kage Shibari no Jutsu. Kage Mane no Jutsu is a Ninjutsu technique developed by the Nara clan. It's original purpose was as a skill to help delay any pursuers. After forming the needed hand seals, the clan member is able to manipulate their shadow along any surface. By using other nearby shadows they can further extend the reach of their shadow, however they are limited to the surface area of the original cast shadow. Once the clan members shadow reaches the targets shadow, it will attach itself. While attached the target will be frozen, only able to replicate in mirror form the actions of the clan member. If the clan member is low on chakra, the Kage Mane will falter and the shadow will return to its normal form.