Blaming You

She tried not to think, not to feel because it was just too painful. Just getting up every day was a chore, but she'd remind herself that she had responsibilities, she had people who were depending on her. Getting out of bed staved off that gaping black hole that threatened to suck her right into its deep, dark depths.

She tried not to think, not to feel because if she thought or if she let herself feel, it would destroy her. The despair would rear up, wrap itself around her throat, and choke the very life out of her.

Not that I have a life, she thought as she hacked at a pair of bell peppers she would use for dinner. After all, he'd taken her life with him when he'd left her. She'd been left with an empty house and piles of manuscripts waiting to be translated.

After six years of dating and five years of marriage, he'd left her. Not that she could blame him. It wasn't everyday that the love of a man's life remembered who she was and who she loved after nearly thirteen years of suffering through comas and amnesia, along with the random blackouts.

She'd seen him struggle when she'd first woken up, just a year into their relationship. They'd broken up, she'd gone off to Paris, and he'd stayed by Marissa's side, helping her through adjusting to everyday life when she had no idea who anyone around her was.

The first time he'd come back to her, it had been at Julie's non-wedding to Bullitt. She'd walked out the back door of the Cohens' Berkeley home and found herself unable to tear her eyes away from his. He'd watched her with an intensity she'd never seen before, and shivers had shot up her spine. It was no wonder that, minutes later, they'd been tangled up, naked and sweaty, in the guest bedroom.

He'd told her that Marissa didn't remember him, that she didn't want him around, and he hadn't wanted to force himself on her. Taylor had nodded in the right places and, when he'd told her that he still loved her, she opened her arms and took him back.

It had never occurred to her that his reasons had had nothing to do with her and everything to do with Marissa.

For five years, they'd dated, but she'd always known that he was still secretly pining after Marissa. Or so she'd thought, until Chrismukkah of their twenty-fourth year, when she'd walked into the Cohens' home and found him kneeling on one knee, his expression a mixture of excitement and anxiety.

She'd said yes, leapt into his arms, and believed that they'd live happily ever after. She believed in true love, and he was hers. Forever.

Or until that fateful morning nearly eight months earlier when the phone had rung, and Julie Cooper had told Ryan that Marissa remembered everything right down to the part where she loved him and wanted to spend her life with him.

Taylor had watched Ryan struggle for two days before she'd cut him free. He'd been confused at first, curious as to why she was urging him to leave her and their marriage. And Ryan Atwood being Ryan Atwood, he wanted to stay with her, to keep their family together. Even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness.

But she'd known she couldn't let him do that; she couldn't keep him trapped in a cage, no matter how much pain it would cause her to set him free. But she'd done it. She'd opened the cage door, cut the ties, and let him fly.

He'd gone without a single glance back at her.

She thought that maybe it had been that moment when he hadn't bothered sparing her a backward glance that she'd broken to pieces.

The divorce papers had come a few months later, which was surprising because, in her bitterness and heartbreak, she'd expected them to come much sooner. They'd come, and she'd signed them and the last eleven years of her life away, into the past where she knew he'd already forgotten about them.

Try as she might, she couldn't forget about him. She ignored the pitying looks, the sympathy from his family and their friends. She wished she could talk to Summer, but Marissa had been Summer's best friend first, and Taylor hadn't wanted to jeopardize that relationship in any way. She'd told Summer to go be with her best friend, and, after much protesting—Summer had gotten pretty good at them after all of her years with GEORGE—even Summer had gone.

If there was one thing she'd learned in her life, it was that Taylor Townsend would always come second to Marissa Cooper. Once upon a time, it had been social chair and high school popularity. Now, it was the love of her life. And, as always, even he had chosen Marissa over her.

Even if she wanted to forget the last decade of her life, she couldn't. She kept their pictures up around the house that Ryan had built for them and given to her as part of the divorce settlement. Of course, he hadn't been the one to inform her of his generosity. He apparently couldn't even be bothered to come see her, even in the presence of their lawyers during the settlement.

It had been just one more crack to add to her broken heart.

She wondered when her heart would finally shatter.

It was raining, and she was restless because the rain fit her mood and because the baby was especially active that day. Wandering from room to room, unable to focus on anything, she rubbed soothing circles on her belly, trying not to remember that she hadn't told anyone she was pregnant.

After the first few months of trying to reach out to her and being turned away, the Cohens had given up. She hadn't seen any of them in months. She knew they'd tell her she was being silly by not asking for help with the baby, but she didn't need their help or their pity. She was Taylor Townsend, and she'd been dealing with neglect her entire life. Just like everything else, she'd find a way to make a good life for herself and her baby.

Ryan would be a great father, she thought now before glaring at herself in a nearby mirror.

It was just her lot in life that he'd chosen someone else over her.

She wondered if the pain would ever recede, subside, quiet within her so that she could live her life again. Maybe moving to Paris, having a change of scenery would be a good idea.

Lifting the lid off the pot on the stove, she checked on the dish she was making. That was when she felt it. It was a pop. She hadn't heard it but felt it, and she knew it was time.

Ryan Atwood's son was on his way into the world.

XxX

"Look, she's always told us not to stop by and not to check up on her, so remind me why we're doing this again?" Seth Cohen asked his wife as she maneuvered her car through traffic.

Summer didn't even bother rolling her eyes as she honked at a car that was spewing toxic fumes from its tailpipe. "God, haven't these people heard of electric cars? That car alone is probably going to be responsible for an entire species of plants going extinct."

"It's probably some poor soul who's been living under a rock while you've been campaigning," Seth quipped. "Not to sound like a broken record, but why are we going to knock on Taylor Townsend's door again?"

"Because she's our friend. Or, at least, she was, and she's probably been alone for the last eight months and doesn't deserve it. We're friends, and friends check up on each other, Cohen."

"I'm not disagreeing with that, but might I remind you of how she snapped at us to leave her alone that time we went over after the divorce settlement went through? Yeah, I don't really want to see that snippy, Harbor version of Taylor again." Seth fiddled with his seatbelt as he spoke. He loved Taylor like another sister, but he could live without the rejection again.

Summer shrugged and turned left at the traffic light. "I know what she said, but I know, deep down, that she really does need us. Taylor's not exactly rational when it comes to dealing with emotional upheaval, you know?"

Yeah, Seth knew. They'd all witnessed her ups and downs, and, between the emotional terrorism her mother had waged and living with Ryan Atwood who was always going to be in love with Marissa Cooper, they'd seen Taylor through some pretty terrible times. Of course, she'd usually shared her turmoil with everyone, but, this time, she'd just shut everyone out. Seth reminded Summer of this.

"And that is exactly why we need to go see her because it is not safe for Taylor to keep her feelings bottled up inside of her. Remember that time she pretended to be Ryan's sleep therapist because she couldn't just outright tell him she liked him? Well, that Taylor wouldn't have just let Ryan go without at least trying to get him back."

"Ah, the stalking."

"Yes," Summer replied firmly. "I would've been okay if she'd stalked him, but she hasn't. She's done nothing, and that freaks me out because it's so not Taylor."

When they arrived at the house that Taylor and Ryan had once shared, both Seth and Summer acknowledged that it looked lonelier and more depressing than before. Summer marched up to the front door, Seth trailing after her, and lifted a hand to ring the doorbell when the door flew open.

Taylor didn't even blink as she dragged a small suitcase behind her, while supporting her belly with the other hand.

Summer and Seth gaped at her in shock, but Summer recovered first. "Taylor, you're pregnant!"

"Thanks for the update, Summer. Not like I didn't know that already from the excruciating pain I'm in." She gritted her teeth, the suitcase slipping from her limp fingers, as another contraction struck her. They were closing in on seven minutes apart, and she really needed to get to the hospital now. She didn't want her son to be born on the front porch, no matter how good of a story it would make years from now.

She wanted drugs.

Seth closed his eyes, feeling faint. "Holy Jesus and Moses. I am not equipped to deal with this."

Summer slapped his shoulder before moving in to grab the suitcase and sliding her arm around Taylor's waist. "Okay, don't forget to breathe and lean on me. We'll get you to the hospital."

Taylor breathed through her teeth, trying to remember how the Lamaze instructor had shown her. "I don't even know why I'm doing this," she muttered to herself. "What could possibly have possessed me to do the ultimate act of insanity and deliver this baby through a ten centimeter opening that doesn't even sound natural and is sure as hell painful?"

Seth turned pale—well, paler than normal. "I'm going to vomit."

"Seth! Get the door, and do not vomit, or, so help me God, I will kick your ass." Summer took charge the way she always had and shot out orders for her husband.

But even before they reached the car, Taylor dug her feet into the pavement, which was rather unsuccessful but it did make Summer stop for a moment. "Look, Summer, it's nice to see you and all, but you really don't need to be here," she began slowly.

Summer cut her off with that Roberts glare. "Keep moving, Townsend. I have a lot of skills, but midwifery is not one of them. Open the door, Seth," she repeated and watched Seth leap into action. Taylor wisely chose to shut her mouth.

On the way to the hospital, in an effort to dispel the tension and keep Taylor from focusing on the pain, Seth kept up a babbling stream of consciousness which did nothing to diminish his own nerves. "So, hey, there was this anime about this awesome pregnant warrior," he said at one point, remembering that Taylor shared his passion for Asian film. "Have you heard of Yuki? She was pretty badass and defeated her enemies."

"That's nice, Seth." Taylor barely listened as she'd started to fret over another problem she was sure to encounter.

Now that Seth and Summer knew that she was having his baby, there was nothing keeping them from calling Ryan and letting him know. And, as happy as she would be to have Ryan back in her life, she didn't want to guilt trip him into coming back to her. If Ryan Atwood would ever return to her, she wanted it to be because he loved her more than anyone—except maybe his parents and their son. She wanted to be first for someone for once in her life. Was that so much to ask for?

"Hey, do you want me to call Ryan?" Summer asked quietly enough so that Seth wouldn't hear. She hated to admit it, but her husband was still an awkward sixteen year old on the inside and not exactly mature when he needed to be.

Taylor's eyes widened at the question and the contraction that was leeching her energy at the moment. "No," she gasped out between breaths. "Definitely not."

"Look, Taylor. I know he left you, but he deserves to know that he's going to be a father. He'd be a great dad," Summer reasoned.

"I know," Taylor responded, blowing out shallow breaths. "I know he would be, but I don't want him here. He made his choice."

Summer didn't have a chance to reply as they pulled up in front of the emergency room doors at the hospital. She hopped out of the car, grabbed a nearby wheelchair, and helped Taylor into before rushing her into the ER.

"Hey!" Seth called after his wife. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Park the car, Cohen! Meet us inside!" Summer shot over her shoulder before disappearing into the hospital with Taylor.

Women. Seth shook his head. They were still a mystery to him even if he was married to one. And childbirth? It was one of his greatest fears, right up there with Newpsies.

Parking the car in the garage, he made his way into the hospital and pulled out his cell phone along the way. Dialing a number he used at least once a day, he waited until the line was picked up on the other end. "Hey, man. It's me. I have news for you…"

XxX

The line had been long dead, but he still sat clutching the phone to his ear. Dozens of thoughts whirled through his head, all pinpointing down to three words.

Taylor. Baby. Now.

Without hesitation, he would be the first to admit that he'd treated his ex-wife horribly. When he'd left her, he'd known in the back of his head that he was making all of her worst fears and insecurities come to life. On their wedding day, he'd promised her that he'd never give her a reason to doubt his love for her or feel insecure for the rest of her life.

Then, he'd broken that vow and practically stabbed her with its shards.

He wondered if, given a second chance, he would go back and change the choices he'd made. He'd chosen Marissa over Taylor without a second thought because loving Marissa had always seemed as natural as breathing to him. The past few months with her had—with a few exceptions—proven that to him. He'd loved Marissa since the night he'd seen her standing at the bottom of her driveway, and he had never doubted that love. Not even when he'd fallen for Taylor.

Ryan Atwood would be the first to admit that what he felt for Taylor was not at all the same as what he felt for Marissa Cooper. After all, they'd had a shared past.

Now, the news he'd just received from Seth had changed everything.

Taylor was about to give birth in Berkeley, and he hadn't known she'd even been pregnant.

She was giving birth to his child, and he wondered if she'd told anyone about the pregnancy. Probably not.

The blame for that, he knew, rested with him. He'd convinced her to trust where she was always so nervous to trust others and herself—and then he'd blown that trust to pieces.

"Ryan?"

He glanced up to find Marissa approaching him, concern in her expression. Though the accident had caused her great neurological damage, she was still so much the way she'd been in high school, right down to her beauty. Sometimes, he'd watch her sleep and marvel at how lucky he'd been to have her in his life again.

She sat next to him, wrapping an arm around his waist and resting her chin on his shoulder. "You look like you've been thinking deep thoughts. What's going on?"

"I just got a call from Seth," he began.

"Really? How is he? How's Summer?" Marissa's face softened at the mention of her best friend and her husband.

Ryan shrugged. Seth and Summer Cohen were not his main concern, not even close. He suddenly had the overwhelming urge to jump in his car and speed his way up to Berkeley to be with Taylor. "They're fine," he said aloud. "They're actually at the hospital."

"What?" Marissa lifted her head to frown at him. "I thought you said they were fine. Is everything okay? Sandy? Kirsten? They're okay, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, they're fine." He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "Actually, it's about Taylor." He felt Marissa tense up but continued on. "She's in the hospital."

Though she might have hated the idea of Ryan and Taylor together for so many years, Marissa seemed concerned enough about his ex-wife. "Is she okay?"

He couldn't sit anymore, so he stood and began to pace, trying not to think of how much pain Taylor was probably in. "She's having a baby. She's in labor." She's alone.

"Okay," Marissa said slowly after a few moments. "Well, the baby can't be yours, right? I mean, she would've told you if she'd been pregnant with your baby, right?"

"Honestly? I don't know." He held up a hand when Marissa's face darkened. "Marissa, I just packed up my stuff and left her to be with you. Taylor's always had problems with people leaving her, so I'm not at all surprised that she didn't bother telling me. Doesn't make what I did to her any better."

Marissa leapt up and cupped his face in her hands. "Ryan, she is an adult, and she can take care of herself. That's probably why she didn't tell you. Don't blame yourself." When he opened his mouth to protest, she lifted a brow. "I know you. I was there the last time one of your girlfriends was pregnant, remember?"

He nodded. Theresa. He hadn't forgotten about her, but he hadn't been married to Theresa. He hadn't promised to love, honor, and cherish her 'til death do them part. He hadn't been in love with Theresa for nearly twelve years.

"Ryan, don't make any irrational decisions, okay?" Her voice hid a slight hint of desperation. "Taylor's obviously not alone because Seth and Summer are with her. She doesn't need you there to take care of her because she would've called you if she'd needed you."

No, Ryan thought as Marissa continued to list the reasons why he didn't need to go and see Taylor. No, she wouldn't have called him if she'd needed him. He'd made it perfectly clear to her that he'd wanted Marissa more than her. He hadn't quite forgotten that look of despair in her eyes when she'd cheerfully told him he should be with Marissa because it was his destiny. He'd never forget the haunting sound of her weeping he'd heard when his guilt had made him turn the car around and drive back to their home. He'd wanted to comfort her, but he hadn't known how to without driving up her hopes, so he'd left.

"I have to go," he interrupted Marissa. "I'm sorry, I have to go see her."

"Ryan, don't do this." Marissa's voice went from desperate to icy in an instant. "If you go now, you can't come back. I'm not kidding."

He stared at her. Really? Was she really going to do this now? He sighed and shook his head. "It's my child," he said simply before leaving the room.

When she heard the front door shut and the lock click into place, Marissa grabbed a vase and threw it at the wall, breathing heavily as she watched it shatter against the wall.

XxX

So, this is my first attempt at writing OC fanfic, and I hope you'll let me know how I'm doing. I've had a blast reading a lot of the really great Ryan/Taylor stories on this site, and, since I miss them and their quirkiness like crazy, I decided I'd try my hand at writing a story about them. Thanks for reading, and I really hope you'll let me know what you think :)